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I
Sasuke is surprised to find that this is the first time he’s okay with dying. That he thinks dying would be fine. It seems like a good option.
He’s not surprised to find that he wants to die. No, that feeling could have come so much sooner. With his brother letting him experience his family’s massacre over and over again. With his hopeless revenge mission that others might have even qualified as a suicide mission. It could have come when he found out his brother was set up, though not quite innocent.
But it comes now.
It comes with a sense of wholeness.
Naruto next to him, dipping in and out of consciousness. He’s vaguely aware that they’re both bleeding out, have lost their arms somewhere and would have been touching if they’d still had them. He’s glad he’s also losing consciousness. Dying, probably. He’s glad he doesn’t have to watch Naruto die. Doesn’t have to leave him behind again.
He realises that wanting to die — or being okay with dying — is inherently linked to the fact that he’s dying next to Naruto and that he, in this state of delirium, is so fucking sure that they’ll be together in an afterlife.
He’s got no clue what it’ll be like — a heaven, or hell, or floating like spirits in nothingness — but they’ll be together.
He vaguely regrets not telling Naruto he loves him before they die. They’d be good last words, but not even dying can get those out of his mouth. The idea that he’ll get another chance in another universe, or timeline, helps.
Naruto slowly opens his eyes again. There’s blood coming from his mouth and he looks at Sasuke and smiles. Sasuke is pretty sure that that does it. It knocks his last breath out of him.
He tries to smile back but he’s pretty sure he cries instead before he passes out.
II
The first time he tried to kill Naruto, all those years back, he’d been collecting reasons to hate him like he’d been starving for them. Once he found one, he clung onto it.
For one, it was what his brother had told him to do. Kill your best friend. Your dearest. Your only. Sasuke did what his brother told him to do, in spite of hating his brother too.
His brother too wanted to die, but wouldn’t unless it was by his hand.
So his brother lived.
Sasuke should have wanted to die, but he wanted to kill his brother. So he also lived.
It was a simple and completely fucked up construction and Naruto should have had no place in it. But he was always there. Somehow getting stronger than Sasuke; another good reason to hate him. To cling to.
He made Sasuke weak. Another reason.
And — and Sasuke realised that how he felt for Naruto was not how friends felt for each other at all. That mere fact pissed him off. The fact that Naruto called them friends pissed him off. The fact he used the word brother was another reason to hate him.
Sasuke had a brother.
He had a brother and he loved Naruto, was in love with him, and Naruto’s words stung and burned uglily. It was not just his breaking heart, or him being gay, that made him feel like the monster he was allowing himself to become.
Monster he saw Naruto become for the first time during that fight.
Naruto passing out before him — losing — and him surviving that fight, made that monster lay down and whimper. Looking down at Naruto’s body in the rain, able to stab him to death in one go, all of the hate he’d gathered slipped from him with the drops. He just loved Naruto.
Naruto who had wanted to break all the bones in his body to bring him back, but had no plan beyond that. No way to keep him from leaving again. No plans on helping him succeed.
Maybe they should have died together right there and then. Done. Both dead at twelve. End of the story.
But Sasuke got up. To kill his brother. And his brother had waited for him, let him.
Eventually, he let Naruto kill him too. And Naruto let him do the same. Fin. End good all good.
III
“Is he going to wake up?”
“Yes, Naruto. I told you—”
“No but when?”
Sasuke’s hearing comes back before his sight does. Sakura’s voice is there as well and he’s quite sure he’s on a bed — an uncomfortable one but a bed nonetheless. Rumbling in the hallway.
He’s probably not dead then.
And in Konoha.
“Naruto, I’m going to check on other patients. Just be patient for a bit more okay? And don’t get out of bed.” The door closes behind her, but not before Naruto actually grunts as if staying in bed is the worst thing that’s happened to him.
Sasuke waits until he hears her footsteps on the other side of the wall. Turns his head.
He thinks of dying. He thinks of Naruto smiling at him in what he thought to be his last moment.
When he opens his eyes, a grin breaks through on Naruto’s face. He seems like he’s about to yell, so Sasuke hushes him.
Naruto closes his mouth. Stares at him.
He’s staring and smiling and he might be crying too; brings his hand to his face and rubs his eyes. “Fuck—“
Sasuke turns to look back at the ceiling. Not quite sure what to say and nervous with Naruto’s eyes on him. He doesn’t want to cry.
“Sas—“ Naruto whispers. He gets up from his bed.
Sasuke turns to him and wants to tell him that he should stay in bed, that he’ll hurt himself, but he’s distracted by the missing arm. Then, seconds later, he becomes aware of his own arm missing as well.
God. They’re so fucking stupid.
“What are you smiling about?” Naruto asks him.
Sasuke hushes him.
“Hey Sas, can I—“
Sasuke scotches over. It hurts like a bitch. He has no idea how Naruto is up and moving. In that second, he manages to make enough space for Naruto to lay down beside him.
He’s warm; radiating energy and happiness.
“Thought you died,” Naruto whispers, fidgeting with the sheets.
Sasuke doesn’t know what he’s going to do now. He killed his brother. He killed Danzo. He almost killed Naruto and he’s not planning on trying again — they’ll just end up next to each other. Both alive. With Sasuke awfully aware that he loves him.
Naruto reaches out with his only hand and grabs his. He’s still smiling, interlaces their fingers and squeezes his hand. Sasuke’s entire hand feels like it’s burning, tingling.
“I’m tired,” he whispers.
He doesn’t mean it in the way it sounds; he’s tired of having lived the way he has. Tired of revenge. Tired of being manipulated. Of trying to pull himself back into sanity. Of running from Naruto, who chased him to hell and back and must love him too but not in the way he wants.
He’s tired of having to stay alive and picking something to live for.
He’s so, so tired.
“You can sleep some more,” Naruto mumbles. He strokes his hand with his thumb. Sparks erupt underneath his skin. He’s too tired for those sparks too, for the way his stomach twirls, but these feelings don’t ask for permission. “Rest your head on my shoulder. If you want.”
He doesn’t have the energy to deny him anything. If Naruto can’t kill him, maybe he should tell him to live for him. In that moment, he wants nothing more than Naruto to tell him again to live for him. Lay your head on my shoulder. Stay with me.
Sasuke lets his head fall to the side. Naruto’s shoulder is not quite soft but it is warm.
Naruto turns to face him and presses his nose onto his hair, nuzzles it. Sasuke can feel his lips against his crown as he whispers: “I’m here. Just close your eyes.”
IV
Sasuke remembers the cicadas fading. Even when the night came, the dense heat of summer. Their sleeping bags zipped open in the hope that they wouldn’t wake up drenched in sweat. Thinking back now, Kakashi might have stayed awake. He’s not sure.
He remembers Naruto stirring, his usual sleeping bag not there to stop him from rolling around. Enough to bump against Sasuke, his breath heavy in Sasuke’s neck. His body warm, sweat against his forehead. Sasuke kept his eyes closed and pretended to sleep. Pretended to sleep in the way he always pretended until sleep would take him; always lightly. Sometimes he’d just pretend all night, his eyes closed, hoping he’d get some rest.
He never slept the way Naruto did. He’d always stir. Always have nightmares. He’d always lie half asleep, slipping in and out of consciousness.
He turned his head lightly, his nose slipping against Naruto’s. The heavy breaths against his skin. Naruto’s sweaty forehead touching his. Breathing in and out. Following Naruto’s breaths.
He tried to convince himself that he really was asleep. Why else would he want to lay close to Naruto, if it was not unconsciously?
Later, he’d find himself looking for that same excuse. Had they punched each other to the ground just to have an excuse for laying against each other?
Sasuke had let his arm slip out of his own open sleeping bag, had felt for his hairs stood up straight when they touched Naruto’s skin, his rough and calloused fingers. He remembers listening to Naruto’s breathing, his entire body tingling. He remembers slipping into a wave-like state. In. Out. Reaching. Coming back. Eb. Flood. Moon. Sun. Sleeping. Waking. Conscious. Unconscious. Panic. Calmth.
It hadn’t been long after that he’d realised that Naruto was the first one he ever loved after his family had passed.
V
“Sasuke,” Naruto comes to lay next to him on the futon. How long has he been lying here? Naruto was gone for a while. Groceries? Training? He doesn’t ask. He knows that Naruto always comes back. Big blue eyes looking at him.
Naruto reaches out and touches his face. “Did you sleep?”
“No,” Sasuke replies, his voice hoarse. He hasn’t been sleeping well.
He got a house, the upper floor of an old minka that survived the war. There’s a yakiniku restaurant on the first floor and it gets loud in the evening. The owner made Kakashi promise that he wouldn’t cause any problems. When Naruto comes over, he hears the owner greet him happily. Hey Hero, he’ll say jokingly, but he obviously means it.
Sasuke is not leaving the house much. Naruto’s eyes are really deep. “Can I do something for you?” He asks.
Sasuke doesn’t want to die. Not really.
He’s gotten this far and it seems like a shame to. He just — maybe he’s not really alive either. Time has been passing and he’s not been keeping count. Naruto has been coming over. Bringing in ramen. Getting some beef from the restaurant downstairs. Sometimes even trying to cook for him.
He doesn’t know that he’s all Sasuke has left to lose.
Naruto reaches out and places his hand on his cheek. Slowly, he lets his fingertips rub his temples, the muscles of his jaw. Sasuke closes his eyes, allowing himself to feel Naruto’s calloused fingers. The fingers move from his temple to his hair, the skin of his head, pulling his hair slightly. “Sasuke—” Naruto repeats again.
Sasuke opens his eyes. They’re close. They’re so fucking close.
In his memories, he sees puddle of blood between them. He imagines the rain pouring down on him. He hears the cicadas fade. Downstairs, he hears the first customers of the yakiniku restaurant coming in. The hero. He thinks, but he sees a boy who got beaten up for having a demon inside of him. He sees a boy who couldn’t even make a shadow clone but who managed to beat Sasuke down onto the floor out of jealousy — just to prove himself. He sees the wind and the sea and the sky and the earth.
“Naruto—”
Naruto frowns, rubs his cheeks. A flash of the idea that Naruto might love him back comes and leaves again.
“I don’t want to die,” Sasuke tells him, because he thinks it might help.
It doesn’t. It comes out weirdly. It’s a weird thing to say.
Naruto flinches. “But?”
“There’s none.”
“Sasuke—” Naruto says, it sounds like he’s scolding him. “You… you’re not—”
Not what? Living? He hasn’t been. He knows that. He’s been lying here.
“I’ve got nothing," he tries to explain.
Naruto flinches again, he pulls back his hand. He looks like he might cry. Sasuke wants him closer again.
“When you thought we were dying,” Naruto starts. “That’s the last time I’ve seen you smile. And you’re telling me you don’t want to die?”
There’s no blood between them. No stones, no river, no statues above them. No rain falling down on them. No revenge. No demons slipping out. No curses taking over. There’s just a soft futon, the top floor of an old restaurant. A touch.
“I smiled because you were there.”
“Well, I am here. I’m here now.” Naruto raises his voice a little. “What’s the difference? What did you want? To die together?”
Sasuke nods.
“Why the fuck do you not want to live with me?”
“Naruto—”
“I’m serious, Sasuke.” He brings his hand back, wraps it around the back of his head. Naruto’s hands are big and warm and still rough. Even the smallest hairs on Sasuke’s skin stand up. “You want to die with me? Live with me. C’mon, let’s go somewhere. Move in with me. Let’s—”
They haven’t died together. He’s not going to get that afterlife with Naruto. In that moment he’s so awfully aware that this is it. This is the afterlife they’re going to get.
He lurches forward like he’s being pulled in. He pressed his lips to Naruto’s recklessly and ends up clashing their teeth together — Naruto halfway through his sentence — his lips hurting and Naruto’s lips warm and steady on his.
It takes a good second to realise that Naruto is not punching him. That he hasn’t pulled away. That he’s not looking at him questioningly — he’s pulling him in.
Naruto kisses him and reaches until Sasuke is pinned underneath him and softly kissing him. He remembers leaning over Naruto and deciding he couldn’t do it. The killing.
His hand finds its way underneath Naruto’s shirt. Naruto’s hand is still caressing his cheek, his ear, his hair. He pulls Naruto’s shirt, watches as Naruto pulls it over his head, then pulls him back in. Naruto kisses his neck. His skin is warm against Sasuke’s body. The waves. Pulling him in. Breathing out. Naruto’s hand moving from ear to jaw. He’s not dreaming. He’s not drowning, his consciousness is not leaving him. He’s—
“Sas—” Naruto whispers sweetly, rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone.
He’s crying.
“Fuck,” He breathes out. “I’m— don’t—”
Naruto lays an arm around him, pulls him against his bare chest, and falls down next to him. Sasuke turns his head, presses it into Naruto’s neck. His cries break out of his mouth as if they’d been locked up somewhere deep inside of him for a long time, hammering and screaming, unheard.
“It’s okay.” Naruto hushes him. He kisses the top of his head. “It’s okay now.”
VI
The cicadas wake early. Naruto does too, these days. He remembers a time where Naruto was late, sleeping in and snoring until the afternoon. Was waking with the sunlight a part of getting old?
He hears the water boiler. Naruto getting out cups and bowls. He hears the cat complain, wanting her breakfast. He hears Naruto talk to her, hush her and tell her not to wake him. Sasuke looks at the sliding doors to their bedroom, amused that Naruto has not yet figured out that he doesn’t sleep through anything.
That he doesn’t mind that much.
When the sliding door opens, Naruto is holding a tray with two bowls and two cups. Their orange cat, who’s definitely a little too fat, is walking in front of his feet and he almost stumbles. The great hero. Sasuke chuckles.
“Jerk—” Naruto tells him, amused. He kneels down and puts the tray next to their futon. He’s made rice with egg, some soy sauce and tofu. Two cups of tea. “Morning. Slept well?”
Sasuke grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls him in. “Fine,” He mumbles, his nose against Naruto’s, their lips almost touching.
“I made breakfast,” Naruto tells him.
“I’ll show you breakfast,” Sasuke whispers against his lips, amused, jokingly.
Naruto laughs, kisses him. “Maybe as a dessert.” He pulls back, hands Sasuke his bowl and covers himself with the sheets as well. Sasuke can live with that.
The cat finds its way onto Naruto’s lap as soon as he’s sat down. Sasuke kind of wants to lay his head against Naruto as well. “I don’t have anything planned today,” Naruto tells him. “Want to stay in bed?”
Sasuke leans in and kisses the side of his head. “Want to go pick up a book,” he mumbles against his jaw. “Maybe we can go to the river. Swim some.”
He softly caresses their cat, who side eyes him as if he’s disturbing her, and then scoops up a bite of his breakfast.