Chapter Text
“Officially off the Record”
Skyguy: Hello everyone, welcome to the group chat of the 501st!
Snips: Since when?
Skyguy: Since NOW!
snips has changed skyguy’s username to thechosen_none
Thechosen_none: Snips: 🖕
thechosen_none has changed snips’s username to teenage_rebellion_general
Teenage_rebellion_general: Thechosen_none: Kriff you!
Captain_Rex: General Skywalker, Commander Tano, with respect, what the kriff is this?
Arc_fives: you’ve never heard of a group chat Rex?
Captain_Rex: STFU Fives
arc_fives has changed their username to the_smart_one
Arc_echo: really Fives?
The_smart_one: yes LMAO
captain_rex has changed arc_echo’s username to the_ACTUAL_smart_one
The_ACTUAL_smart_one: thank you Captain
Captain Rex: yes
Tup: Hi Commander Tano!
teenage _rebellion_general: Hi Tup!
teenage_rebellion_general changed tup’s username to ahsoka’s_favorite
Captain_Rex: Hey!
teenage _rebellion_general: Lmao, sry not sry
the_smart_one changed captain_rex’s username to captain_stress
Captain_stress: FIVES, WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!
Thechosen_none: this is not going how I wanted
Thechosen_none: but who cares this is way better!
Jesse_the_best: Hey vode!
Combat_medic_kix: General, what is this?
Teenage_rebellion_general: It’s the 501st groupchat! Hi guys.
Hardcase: Hi Commander Tano!
Teenage_rebellion_general: Hi Hardcase!
teenage_rebellion_general has changed hardcase’s username to ahsoka’s_favorite_also
Captain_stress: I thought I was your favorite!
Teenage_rebellion_general: You didn’t say hi. Sry not sry
jesse_the_best changed captainn_stress’s username to jealous_blond_boy
Jealous_blond_boy: Jesse, so help me I will tan your hide!
Ahsoka’s_favorite_also: LMFAO
Ahsoka’s_favorite: what does the F mean?
the_ACTUAL_smart one: we’ll tell you later
Ahsoka’s_favorite_also: I may have just blown up one of the training salles.
Jealous_blond_boy: HARDCASE
Teenage_rebelllion_general: Really?
Ahsoka’s_favorite_also: Sorry Mom… and Rex
Jesse_the_best: 🤣 Hardcase called the Commander MOM!
the_smart_one changed teenage_rebellion_general’s username to commander_mom
Commander_mom: Really Jesse? I’m literally 16!
Jesse_the_best: that was Fives
Commander_mom: FIIIIIIVVVVEEESSS!
the_smart_one changed jealous_blond_boy’s username to captain_dad
Captain_dad: FIVES! I AM GOING TO THROW YOU OUT OF AN AIRLOCK!
The_smart_one: Worth it… Dad. 😂
Thechosen_none: Why is Rex the dad?
The_smart_one: it’d be weird if you were the dad. Plus, REXSOKA FOREVER!
Commander_mom: FIVES I AM WARNING YOU….
Captain_dad: really fives? 😣
The_smart_one: Soooo, commander mom? What do you and Rex do in his office at night?
Commander_mom: Paperwork, Fives, paperwork. Also, planning when we are going to FINALLY throw you out of an airlock.
The_smart_one: STILL WORTH IT! 🎉
Ahsoka’s_favorite: what am I missing?
the_ACTUAL_smart_one: tell you later vod’ika.
Thechosen_none: Ahsoka? Why is Fives shipping you with Rex? Did I miss something?
Commander_mom: no, there is nothing going on
Thechosen_none: then why r u using all lowercase and no punctuation?
Commander_mom: Speak for urself.
The_smart_one: Yeah MOM?? What’s going on?
Commander_mom: You’re the one who’s doing the shipping. Why don’t you tell me?
The_smart_one: 😏You’re never in your quarters… having fun with Rex?
Captain_dad: FIVES!
Commander_mom: I fall asleep doing paperwork. Tell him Rexy.
The_smart_one: REXY??
Captain_dad: She falls asleep doing paperwork. I don’t have the heart to wake her up and tell her to leave.
Jesse_the_best: OOOO
The_smart_one: SEXY REXY! MOM?
Commander_mom: O SHOOT. 🤦♀️ I SLIPPED.
The_smart_one: There is something going on!!!!
Thechosen_none: AHSOKA TANO! WHAT THE KARK IS GOING ON?
Commander_mom: NOTHING!
The_smart_one: 😏 REALLY?
Captain_dad: LEAVE THE COMMANDER ALONE FIVES
Ahsoka’s_favorite_also: I just finished putting out the fires. WHAT THE KRIFF DID I MISS. REX… AHSOKA!!!
Combat_medic_kix: Echo? Why is Fives shipping the Commander and Rex?
the_ACTUAL_smart_one: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Don’t look at me
Jesse_the_best: This is so entertaining. 🎉
The_smart_one: I saw the Commander leaving Rex’s office with her shirt on backwards.
Thechosen_none: AHSOKA???
Commander_mom: My shirt had been on backwards all day long. Fives just chose that moment to notice.
the_smart_one changed commander_mom’s username to sus_togruta_lady
Sus_togruta_lady: Fives! I’m literally only 16!
jesse_the_best changed captain_dad’s name to sus_clone_brother
Sus_clone_brother: Jesse!
Sus_togruta_lady: I…. I am speechless and don’t know what to say.
The_smart_one: Is Rex really that breathtaking?
Sus_clone_brother: Fives… I am warning you. 😡
Sus_togruta_lady: Someone remind me HOW we got to talking about this? 🤔
Ahsoka’s_favorite_also: I believe I called you mom. SORRY!
Thechosen_none: AHSOKA SNIPS TANO! PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY HALF OF TORRENT CO IS SHIPPING YOU AND REX!!
Sus_togruta_lady: YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE! Also, that’s not my middle name, Skyguy.
Sus_clone_brother: That’s my girl.
The_smart_one: WhAt 😳 YoUr GiRl?
Sus_clone_brother: OH NO. Ahsoka…. RUN!
Sus_togruta_lady: I HAVETH MY DIGNITY! I SHALT NOT RUNETH!
Thechosen_none: I am so confused now
Jesse_the_best: Commander, did you just use TH words?
the_ACTUAL_smart_one: it’s called Shakespearean, Jess.
Jesse_the_best: 🖕
Ahsoka’s_favorite: ECHO! Jesse just did bad sign language.
the_ACTUAL_smart_one: Thanks for addressing that vod’ika.
Ahsoka’s_favorite: ☺️
the_smart_one changed sus_togruta_lady’s username to REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: FIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVEEEEESSSSS!
the_smart_one changed sus_clone_brother’s username to SEXY_REXY
SEXY_REXY: FIVES… THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!
The_smart_one: Try me b*tch 🖕
SEXY_REXY: I’M COMING FOR YOU NOW!
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: GO REXY!
Thechosen_none: AHSOKA TANO! WHAT IS GOING ONE BETWEEN YOU AND REX!? TELL ME NOW YOUNG LADY!
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: Try me b*tch 🖕
The_smart_one: That’s my line!
The_smart_one: ECHO, VOD! HELP ME!!!!!!!
the_ACTUAL_smart_one: Naaaahhh, ur on ur own.
Thechosen_none: AHSOKA! I’M COMING FOR YOU! YOU LITTLE SH*T!
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: YOU’LL NEVER FINDETH ME SKYGUY!
Thechosen_none: TAKE YOUR SHIELDS DOWN AND REVEL YOUR PRESENCE NOW SNIPS!
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: MAKE ME!
general_kenobi has joined the chat
Ahsoka’s_favorite: Hi General Kenobi!
General_kenobi: Hello there Tup.
General_kenobi: Since when is Ahsoka Rex’s girlfriend?
The_smart_one: Since I made it so!
SEXY_REXY: I’M STILL COMING FOR YOU FIVES!
The_smart_one: LMFAO!
Ahsoka’s_favorite: I still don’t know what the F means.
Thechosen_none: MASTER! HELP ME FIND AHSOKA!!!
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: YOU SHALT NEVERTH FINDETH ME! TRIETH YOU MIGHTETH. BUT YOu NEVERTH SHALT!
Thechosen_none: AHSOKA, ENOUGH WITH THE TH WORDS!
General_kenobi: Would someone like to explain to me what’s going on?
Jesse_the_best: Fives started shipping Rex and Ahsoka and now we have chaos. That’s the gist of it, General Kenobi, sir.
General_kenobi: I see. We shall see how this plays out. It is actually quite entertaining. Oh, and Anakin. I’m not helping you find your padawan.
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: HA! HE LIKETH ME MORETH THAN THOU SKYGUY!
Thechosen_none: AHSOKA I SWEAR IF YOU DON”T STOP RIGHT NOW!
General_kenobi: She might be right, Anakin
. REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: THE GRANDMASTER HATH ADMITTED IT!
The_smart_one: Ahsoka, will YOU help me??
SEXY_REXY: Fives, don’t even…
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: Sorry Fives, I am also currently being hunted.
The_smart_one: DANG IT! I SEE HIM!
SEXY_REXY: I’M COMING!!!!!
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: LMAOTH SRYTH NOTETH SRYTH
Thechosen_none: GOT YA SNIP!! HAHAHAHA
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: REX HELPETH MEE!
SEXY_REXY: I AM TRYING TO CATCH FIVES BABE!
Jesse_the_best: bAbE??
SEXY_REXY: 🤦OOPS SORRY BABE, I BLEW OUR COVER!
The_smart_one: HE ADMITS IT!
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: RREEEEEEEEEXXXX YOU LITTLE SH*T. I”M COMING FOR YOU!
General_kenobi: Perfect entertainment. 👌
Thechosen_none: MASTERRRRRR
General_kenobi: Sorry not sorry Anakin. This is payback for your years as a padawan.
commander_cody has joined the chat
Commander_cody: WHAT THE KRIFFING HELLS!
SEXY_REXY: ORI’VOD HELP!
Commander_cody: WITH WHAT?
SEXY_REXY: MY GIRLFRIEND IS CHASING ME!
Commander_cody: so?
SEXY_REXY: SHE’S SCARY WHEN SHE’S MAD!
Commander_cody: also, since when is Ahsoka your girlfriend?
The_smart_one: I”M FREEEEEE!
SEXY_REXY: WHO KRIFFING CARES! HELP!!!
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: CAPTAIN REX.
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: WHEN I FINDETH YOU
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: YOU ARETH SOETH DEADTH
Jesse_the_best: she’s doing it again. 🙄
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: SHUTH UPTH JESSE. I HAVETH A CAPTAIN TO FINDETH.
SEXY_REXY: 😳
SEXY_REXY: cody
SEXY_REXY: please
SEXY_REXY: help
SEXY_REXY: me
Commander_cody: no lmfao
Ahsoka’s_favorite: I STILL don’t know what the F means.
Jesse_the_best: You’re never gonna find out kid.
General_kenobi: Ahsoka, dear…
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: Yes Master?
General_kenobi: You're my favorite. Don’t tell Anakin.
Thechosen_none: This is a group chat Obi Wan.
Ahsoka’s_favorite_also: I’m back, what I miss? Jesse?
Jesse_the_best: Rex is no longer after Fives. Mom, is chasing Dad. General Kenobi and Mom are conspiring against General Skywalker. How abt u?
Ahsoka’s_favorite_also: Oh, okay. I’m good.
Combat_medic_kix: Jesse, I’m concerned.
The_smart_one: Where’d the love birds go?
SEXY_REXY: YOU’LL NEVER KNOW! RIGHT BABE?
REX’S_GIRL_FRIEND: RIGHTETH YOU ARE REXY!
Everyone collectively: 🤯👀
Thechosen_none: SNIPS. WHERE ARE YOU.
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: WOULDN'T THOU LIKETH TO KNOWETH
Commander_cody: Rex, vod, are you two actually together or are you just messing with everyone?
SEXY_REXY: …
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: …
The_smart_one: THE SILENCE IS DEAFENING
Jesse_the_best: They're definitely together
Ahsoka's_favorite_also: Wait, so Mom and Dad are actually Mom and Dad?
Combat_medic_kix: Hardcase, that's not how that works
Ahsoka's_favorite_also: Oh
General_kenobi: This is truly delightful. Anakin, are you alright?
Thechosen_none: NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT
Thechosen_none: MY PADAWAN IS DATING MY CAPTAIN
Thechosen_none: AND MY MASTER THINKS IT'S FUNNY
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: 1. I'm not "dating" anyone officially 2. Rex isn't YOUR captain, he's THE captain 3. Master Kenobi IS right, this is funny
The_smart_one: "not dating anyone OFFICIALLY" 👀👀👀
Thechosen_none: yeah snips, what’s that supposed to mean?
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: NONETH OF YOURETH BEESWAXETH
SEXY_REXY: DAMN RIGHT BABESOKA!
The_smart_one: bAbEsOkA? 👀
Commander_cody: "Babesoka"? Really, vod?
SEXY_REXY: You got a problem with that, Codes?
Commander_cody: Actually no, it's kind of cute
SEXY_REXY: 😊
Thechosen_none: I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: NOBODYETH ASKEDTH THOU SKYGUY
General_kenobi: Anakin, perhaps you should meditate on this
Thechosen_none: MEDITATE?? OBI-WAN SHE'S 16
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: And he's a perfect gentleman, so calm down
The_smart_one: PERFECT GENTLEMAN??? Tell us EVERYTHING
Jesse_the_best: Fives is literally taking notes rn isn't he
The_smart_one: You're damn right I am 📝
Ahsoka's_favorite: What's happening now?
the_ACTUAL_smart_one: Still don't worry about it, Tup
Ahsoka's_favorite: Oh, okay… I’m confused Echo.
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: HE GIVETH ME FOOTETH RUBSETH AFTERTH LONGETH CAMPAINETHS AND BRINGS ME FLOWERSETH WHEN I AM SADETH!
SEXY_REXY: AHSOKA
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: OOPSETH
The_smart_one: FOOT RUBS???? FLOWERS????
Jesse_the_best: Captain "Perfect Gentleman" Rex strikes again
Commander_cody: Rex, you OLD ROMANTIC
SEXY_REXY: 😳😳😳
Thechosen_none: I'M GOING TO BE SICK
General_kenobi: That's actually quite sweet, Rex
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: REXY I'M SORYTH I SLIPPEDETH AGAINETH
SEXY_REXY: It's okay babe, the damage is done
Combat_medic_kix: So they ARE together
Ahsoka's_favorite_also: This is adorable actually
The_smart_one: Rex, how long has this been going on?
SEXY_REXY: …
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: …
The_smart_one: THE SILENCE RETURNS
Thechosen_none: REX. ANSWER THE QUESTION.
SEXY_REXY: Soka, help!
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: LMAOTH NOETH!
SEXY_REXY: PLEASE BABY!
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: LMAOTH NOETH!
SEXY_REXY: AHSOKA. PLEASE!!
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: LMAOTH NOETH!
Jesse_the_best: I’m sitting right next to Commander Tano right now. She’s just copying and pasting.
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: JESSEETH YOU TRAITORETH
Jesse_the_best: Sorry Commander, but this is too funny
SEXY_REXY: You're sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HER and won't help me??
Jesse_the_best: Nope 😂
The_smart_one: JESSE WHERE ARE THEY
Jesse_the_best: The mess hall
Thechosen_none: ON MY WAY
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: JESSEETH I AM GOING TO KILLETH YOU
SEXY_REXY: Soka we need to RUN
REX'S_GIRL_FRIEND: RIGHTETH!
Jesse_the_best: They just bolted out of here holding hands
Commander_cody: HOLDING HANDS??
The_smart_one: HOLDING. HANDS.
Ahsoka's_favorite_also: That's so cute!
Combat_medic_kix: Jesse, describe everything. For medical records.
Jesse_the_best: "Medical records" sure Kix