Work Text:
Part 1
"Shepard?"
There’s only a muffled reply to my knock on his cabin door. "Kaidan?" He’s saying more, but I can't make it out. But he must have asked EDI to let me in because the door opens with a soft woosh.
Once I step inside, I can hear the shower running. It's a wonder I could hear his reply at all. I half-expect him to repeat whatever he was trying to say, but all I hear is water. Maybe he was inviting me to join him… or is it too soon for that? We’ve been together for almost two weeks now, and since the night after our dinner at Apollo’s we’ve spent nearly every night here in his cabin, in his bed. I just don’t want to presume anything, I guess… After waiting so long to be together, I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to take things at his pace.
The low table by the couch is clear of data pads, so I set down the two mugs I've been carrying and settle in to wait for him.
It looks like the aquarium fish have just been fed and I watch their antics as they chase one another in their scramble to get some of the food. I hadn’t realized how many different kinds Shepard has managed to collect, and wonder if some of them were those he’d found when the SR2 was still a Cerberus ship. It’s possible that someone might have fed them during those long months when the Normandy was in drydock and Shepard was being held incommunicado in Vancouver.
"Kaidan?"
He has a small towel wrapped loosely around his hips and otherwise looks barely dry. "Wasn't expecting you so soon... I'd just stepped into the shower."
"No problem. I finished the report I was writing up and stopped by the Mess. Brought you a cup of tea, if you're interested."
He reaches for the mug I hand him, taking a careful sip. "Mmm… this is good. Just the way I like it too. Thank you, Kaidan. I appreciate it."
Padding over to the wardrobe, he lets the towel drop and pulls on a pair of sweatpants. He turns to catch me staring… I guess I wasn’t quick enough to avert my eyes. But he’s smiling as he picks up the towel and finishes drying his arms and chest. “Enjoy the view?”
“Yeah… not gonna lie to you.”
“Art appreciation?”
I can feel the sudden warmth that tells me my ears are turning more than a little pink. “Among other things.”
That brings a flash of a smile and maybe just a trace of color to Shepard’s cheeks before he turns back to the wardrobe, rummaging around for something else to wear. When he seems to hesitate about making a choice, I step over to the bed and retrieve his N7 hoodie. "Looking for this?"
We both take a step or two toward each other and he reaches out to cup my face between his hands, kissing me softly and murmuring against my lips. "What would I ever do without you?"
I reach around his bare shoulders to drape the hoodie across his back. Before he can slip his arms into the sleeves, I've wrapped my own arms around his waist holding him against me for a long moment, feeling him relax into the embrace. After another kiss I reply. "You'll never find out."
“I was hoping maybe you’d join me in the shower.”
The warm pink on my ears turns to bright red. “I couldn’t make out anything in your reply beyond my name… I didn’t want to make any assumptions about joining you.”
He smiles and puts the mug back on the table, wrapping his arms around me as soon as his hands are free. He feels warm and still damp, and he no longer smells of gun oil and battle as he had when he'd kitted down next to me in the shuttle bay. “Next time, join me.”
I’ve forgotten why I felt shy about it as I slide my hands down to rest on his hips, holding him close for another long moment. “Okay, I’d like that, John.”
He pulls away enough to finish putting on the jacket, leaving it unzipped as we both turn back toward the two mugs waiting on the table. Sitting close enough for our legs to touch from hip to knees, I take a sip of my coffee and smile as he wraps his hands around his still-warm mug of tea.
"How'd you know how I like my tea?"
"Some things I don't forget. Do you remember a night back on the SR-1... when we ran into each other in the Mess? You said you were hungry, but settled for a cup of tea... and you asked me to join you with my coffee."
His eyes defocus for a moment as he thinks back, finally nodding. "I couldn't sleep, as I recall. We talked for a long time that night. The first of many. I appreciated the company... kept me from thinking too much."
"I'm glad I could help. Seems like there wasn't much else I could do... about the nightmares..."
He sets the mug back down on the table and reaches for my hand. His is warm as he traces his thumb across my palm. "You did enough, Kaidan. It meant a lot." The way he meets my eyes makes me sure he doesn't just mean the tea and late night conversations.
But we’ve never spoken about what else I’d done. How from time to time I’d hear him trapped in a nightmare, the muffled cries I could hear through his cabin wall if I was working at my station. How on those occasions, I’d slipped into his darkened cabin and knelt by his bed, or perched on the edge of it, reaching out with a silent touch, trying to convey that he wasn’t alone. When he calmed and fell back into normal sleep rhythms, I’d slip away again. And we don’t speak of it now. One day, maybe.
"It wasn't long after that night when I tried to hand you some reports and you asked me to leave them in your cabin. I was kind of surprised."
"I didn't want to haul them around with me while I made the rounds to talk to the crew. I trusted you."
When I'd let myself in to drop off the reports, I'd noticed his collection of models... there was one partly assembled on his desk... looked like the Mako. I'd asked him about the models during another late night in the Mess. He'd told me that several of the ships were ones he'd bought already assembled. But to get the Mako he'd had to build it himself.
The first time I'd had a chance to look around his cabin here on the SR-2, I'd noticed the ship models again. But some were missing. Including the Mako.
"I have something for you something besides tea." I hand him the small package I'd brought with me.
"A present? It's not even my birthday, Kaidan."
"Just open it."
He does, and his smile lights his face. "A Mako kit! I haven't had one of those since the first Normandy!
"I didn't think you had one, and I saw it in a little shop on the Citadel. Since we’ve been spending time together here, I’ve noticed that you have quite a few ships displayed, but don’t seem to have any models that you’re working on I thought it might be a good way for you to relax a little.”
"Will you help me build it?"
"I've never made any models, but sure, I'll try to help! Lots of memories of that Mako."
His smile widens. "Yeah, I had fun driving that... dunno about you passengers, though."
My turn to smile – it’s been long enough to have forgotten the worst of it. "We lived. Kind of a little too exciting sometimes, but we lived. Good times, Shepard."
“Hey, I was a good driver! I even braked for thresher maws… sometimes.”
I have to laugh along with him “Yes, you did... sometimes. Promise me something though… when we get back to Earth, let me drive in Vancouver.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ve never driven in traffic.”
He puts the model kit aside carefully, and finishes his tea before turning to stretch his legs out on the couch, lying down with his head in my lap. I slip a hand beneath the hoodie to rest it on his chest before bending to kiss him.
"Just need to relax a little. This is nice… "
"Yeah it is."
The fish are still chasing around the tank and I watch them for a long time after Shepard's breathing has slowed into the rhythm of sleep. He gets so little of that. With my hand still resting over his heart, my own eyes finally drift closed.
Content.
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Part 2
Maybe I’m early.
Stepping out of the elevator outside the door to Shepard’s cabin, I wonder if I’ve gotten here before he has.
Shepard might still be making his rounds after today’s mission. Compared to a lot of what’s gone down lately, today was easy – just retrieving a banner for some Turian officer from a remote planet in the Apien Crest sector. It got a little more exciting when we had to evade some Reaper activity on our way out of the Castellus cluster, but other than it was pretty routine. Still, Shepard always tries to talk to the crew afterwards… says it keeps him in touch with morale.
I’m not sure how he gets involved in doing all of these small missions… I guess people talk to him, or he overhears things on the Citadel. And honestly, I think he kind of enjoys helping them out, unasked, expecting little reward beyond a bit of good will. Maybe I do understand. And I like seeing him feel good about himself. He’s been through a lot that didn’t help much with that.
My hands are a little full and I bump against the locking panel on the door as I’m reaching for the buzzer. And the door to the loft opens. Huh? Was it unlocked?
Stepping inside, I look for a place to put the box I’ve been carrying. Shepard’s desk is littered with piles of data pads. He's probably been going through the numbers of fleets and ships... again. They cover the surface whose last purpose was a place to spread out the tiny parts so we could assemble the Mako model. Which now sits proudly on a little stand above the clutter.
There’s enough room for this box if i gather the data pads together a bit, so I leave it there and settle down on the couch. Shepard isn’t in the shower, so I guess I was right about him getting waylaid while making the rounds.
I’m still surprised that the door was open to me. But this isn’t the first time. I close my eyes and it’s way past midnight back on the old Normandy. From my station just outside Shepard’s cabin, I’m hearing again the strangled sounds of a man trapped in a nightmare – trying to scream, but somehow prevented from it. The previous time I’d heard it, I was determined to try to help. I’d used all my tech skills to pick the door lock and knelt close to his bed, resting a hand on his shoulder until he finally calmed and fell back into more normal sleep.
I was prepared to repeat that, lockpick and all, as I heard him struggling with another nightmare. But I’d found the door unlocked… and it always was that way from then on. One of those things we never spoke of, but it meant a lot to me to be able to help him sleep a little better.
As I’m lost in memories, the door to the loft opens without my hearing it.
“Kaidan?”
“Hey, Shepard… down here.”
I’ve barely gotten to my feet before he’s crossed the room to meet me by the aquarium, wrapping his arms around me and stealing a kiss.
“Hope you didn’t mind if I…” The rest of my words are lost in another kiss, deeper this time, as one hand slips up into my hair at the nape of my neck and his other arm tightens around my waist.
“Just glad to see you here, Kaidan… sorry I got delayed. Barely escaped getting pulled into a poker game.”
"That’s serious stuff, especially if James was involved! You might have missed your chance to clean up. But I brought you something that might make up for that.”
"Sounds intriguing… much better than that guilty feeling I get when I beat Joker again. Some people should not play poker..." The sound of his laughter is welcome. I hear it all too seldom these days.
Our next kiss lingers, as John’s hands slide down to my hips, pulling me against him. I murmur against his mouth before I get too distracted. "Don't you want to know what I brought you?"
He pulls his head back enough to meet my eyes, not taking his hands from my hips. The glow from the aquarium makes his eyes look even more blue than usual. "You’re here, Kaidan... I don't need anything else."
"But you're a little curious, am I right?"
He touches his lips to the pulse at the base of my neck before releasing me. It makes me shiver and I take that as a promise for more to come, later. "Yeah. You're right…”
Picking up the box from the desk, I follow him down to the couch, handing it to him as I settle close by. He shifts it between his hands, not shaking it exactly, but figuring out what it is.
“Another model kit, Kaidan? You must have liked helping me build the Mako.”
“For all the help I was, yeah I did. I learned a lot just watching you… handing you parts sometimes. But what I really liked was seeing you relaxed and having fun building it. ”
“You watched me building the other Mako model back on the SR-1 too. Thought maybe you might try building a kit yourself after that.”
I rub the back of my hand across my forehead, shaking my head. “I did try once. But my fingers felt too big and clumsy… or something. I don’t know… I didn’t get far with it.” Taking a deep breath, I nod toward the unopened package. “Go ahead… unwrap it.”
Before he opens it, John reaches for my hand and strokes his fingertips across mine. “I don’t think you have clumsy hands, Kaidan. Never noticed anything clumsy about them when you handle a gun or summon a barrier. Or when you touch me… just so you know.”
I don’t know how to reply to that, so I just watch as he tears off the wrapping paper. He takes one look at the model kit and looks up to meet my eyes. “The Normandy! Kaidan, I don’t have a model of the SR-1. I did once. Twice, I guess. Cerberus must have found out that I liked model ships because there were several of them here in my quarters when I first came aboard. The Normandy was among them. I added a few more along the way. Even found a little quarian liveship… still have that one.”
“I didn’t see the SR-1 here. And I thought it should be.”
He nods, slowly turning the box in his hand, as if he would need any illustrations to know how the ship should look. “I found models scattered all over the ship here when I came back aboard… literally all over the ship. But I never found that one.” He leans in to kiss me lightly. “Thank you, Kaidan… you’re right – I need the original Normandy. It’s a wonderful gift.”
I should tell him.
Shepard opens the box and some of the pieces tumble out onto the table. They had originally been packaged in several small bags. “I apologize for the parts being all mixed up there.” Shepard looks up at me, head cocked to the side, not sure what I’m talking about.
“I bought this a few years ago... when I wanted to try building one myself. I was in a little shop on the Citadel and saw that they had model ship kits.”
He nods, beginning to sort out some of the pieces. “I think I remember that shop… Zakera ward, wasn’t it? Mostly a tourist shop? I used to buy models there too.”
“I think so, yes.” Shepard has picked up one of the larger pieces of the ship’s body section. Memories come rushing back. “That’s one of the pieces I started with too.” I’m surprised that my voice is steady. “I didn’t get very far with it.”
“You might have been better off to start by putting together some of the sub-sections that will attach to it… like the thruster assemblies maybe...” He sorts through the small parts, looking for something to show me, and I pick up the large body piece when he puts it down.
It’s happening again. As I turn the piece in my hand, I’m seeing not only this piece of plastic and metal, but everything that it represented in real life… and death. And my hands are no more steady now than they were on that day, less than a year after the Normandy had been destroyed… and Shepard killed.
“It wouldn’t have helped… My hands weren’t very steady…” Without putting it down I wipe the back of my hand across my eyes. “And it was hard to focus on it… things got kind of blurry…”
John looks at me, concerned, as I’m trying to explain. He sees my hands trembling and probably notices the tears too. “Kaidan… are you okay? What’s wrong?”
I meet his eyes, reassurance that he’s really here now, alive. “My hands weren’t steady when I tried this before either… So many memories. I wasn’t seeing just the model… it was the Normandy - everything inside - the Bridge, the Mess… your cabin... “ My voice drops to a whisper. “You.”
John chews on his bottom lip as he takes my hands between both of his, gently stilling the trembling within his clasp. “Steady hands are important. I understand.” He pauses, searching my eyes while still holding my hands. “Kaidan, maybe both of our hands would be steadier. We could try to build it together.”
“We could… I’d like that,” I can’t begin to tell him what it means to me that he understands what I can’t quite say here. His hands are warm, his thumb rubs across my palm with slow gentle strokes. Before he releases them, he kisses one set of fingertips and then the other.
We’ve never really talked much about the attack itself, or about his death. This is still so new, being John and Kaidan instead of just the commander and the major. I wipe across my eyes again. Maybe someday we can.
“Kaidan, I can’t think of anything you could have given me that would mean more to me.”
He’s starting to gather up the scattered pieces of the model. “There’s something else you should know about it.”
“Really? Seems like it has quite a story already attached.”
“When you were being held in Vancouver, I thought you might like something to do to help pass the time. I’d been carrying this around with me for a long time, and I decided to send it to you there.”
Shepard shakes his head. “I never got it, or even heard about anyone trying to send me anything. Except my mother, I guess. Hackett tried to pull some strings to allow her to write me, but no go. Anderson told me about the attempt – at least I knew she’d tried to communicate."
“I know.” This time I reach for his hand. Our fingers fit together like we’ve done it a thousand times, even though we’ve only been together for a few weeks. “I got the package back unopened - marked Return to Sender.”
“I’m not sure I’d have done much better than you did at putting it together. I’m trying to imagine getting a package like that… the original Normandy… from you, Kaidan. I think that might have been pretty overwhelming. I was still trying to sort things out, you know?”
“Yeah, I can see that. Maybe it means that we were meant to build it together… to remember the good times and the hard times.”
He puts the box aside carefully and then pulls me close, wrapping his arms around me and guiding my head to rest on his shoulder. “We’ve had both. But now… after all this time… you and me.”
Reaching out to touch his cheek, my fingers are steady now. John covers them with his own and his kiss makes it clear that he doesn’t want anything else in this moment. My words, murmured into the kiss, simply echo his own.
“You and me...”
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