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The first time it happens, it's because Yoongi is lazy.
Really, his favorite clothing store isn't even two blocks away, but he finds that he really can't be bothered to leave his apartment (aka his cave of solidarity, a name bestowed upon his humble abode by none other than Kim Namjoon). So, instead of simply pulling on some shoes and trekking down to buy the new hoodie he just has to have, he groggily opens his laptop and places the order online.
Two days later (really, he could have just made the trip after work or when he was meeting up with Namjoon, but evidently the three minute detour was too much of a hassle), when he was draped over his couch, the doorbell rang, startling him out of his daze.
Rising to answer the door, Yoongi yawned and blearily reached for the doorknob.
He was not expecting to be greeted with undoubtedly the most beautiful person he'd ever laid eyes on.
He nearly staggered back, his sensitive eyes blinded by the freaking sunshine that this boy was radiating out of his mouth, his pearly whites a stark contrast against his orange hair. (Seriously, was this guy for real? Or, Yoongi was having a really weird dream. An orange-haired angel had landed on his doorstep. Yep, sounded about right with the amount of sleep he'd gotten.)
Yoongi then decided that he also wasn't allowed to eat pizza right before bed anymore.
Then the angel cleared his throat and Yoongi realized that a) he was most definitely real and b) he had been standing there like a dazed idiot with what was most likely the stupidest expression plastered across his face.
"Yeah- uh, sorry what?" Yoongi asked, internally wincing at how hoarse his voice was as he rubbed sleepily at his eyes.
"Min Yoongi?" The angel asked, holding up a package, his voice like tinkling bells and dear god he needed to stop that because Yoongi was going to lose his mind-
"I have a package for you," he said almost nervously, biting down on his lip. Yoongi nodded, an empty gesture, as he continued to daze off like an idiot.
Great and now he was staring at his lips-
Crapcrapcrap dammit you useless human being just move.
And then, out of nowhere, he startled, grabbing the package from the other boy's hand.
"Ah!" He exclaimed, shaking his head in a flustered, very un-Yoongi-like manner. "Yeah, sorry, that's me," he said a bit more nonchalantly that time, his typical demeanor washing over him. He was Min Yoongi goddammit and he was not going to ruin his image over a total stranger.
He was silent. Cool. Detached. Fashionably impassive.
And was most certainly not a blundering idiot who was going to dissolve into a mess of giggles and internalized screaming with just a few words from a cute delivery boy.
(Or if he was, he sure as hell wasn't going to show it.)
"Oh!" the boy exclaimed suddenly, suddenly looking very worried. "I'm so sorry, did I wake you up?"
"No- uh, I mean yes but really it's fine-" Yoongi squinted at his name tag "-Jimin."
"Ah, Yoongi was it? I'm so sorry I'll just, yeah I'll just go I'm gonna go now-"
"No it's fine really I-"
And then Yoongi shut the door in his face.
Shit.
...and promptly slammed his forehead into the closed door.
Goddammit, you idiot.
* * * * *
The next time it happens, it's because Yoongi is sick.
Yoongi is honest to god sick and even walking too fast proves to be too strenuous as he almost blacks out when trying to get to the bathroom.
On the fifth day of what Seokjin (aka the one Namjoon has been pathetically crushing on for about a billion years now) has so subtly dubbed 'the plague' Yoongi decides that enough is enough and he is not going to be held down just because of some little illness. He's Min Yoongi for fuck's sake.
That's what he tell himself just as he stands sup too quickly and ends up on the floor with spots dancing across his vision.
Yoongi then decided that he was not leaving the comforts of his home for anything short of a house fire or someone's imminent death.
Which is exactly what led to him just ordering batteries online because getting up to change the channel on the TV every goddamn time is just too dangerous. (Yoongi had somehow become a risk to himself and cannot be trusted with the responsibility of leaving the house and returning in one piece.)
Of course, with his shitty luck, his TV remote would die when he needed it the most. Of course.
Yoongi's head was swimming, so it's no surprise when he shuffled to the door, he's thinking of anything else but the cute delivery boy from last time.
That is, of course, until he opens the door and said delivery boy is staring at him with something that any sane person would recognize as thinly-veiled concern.
Of course, Yoongi isn't really in the best state as it is, and the other boy's ability to make him flustered certainly doesn't help. Therefore, he doesn't quite count as sane and therefore continued to stare back uncomprehendingly with an expression clearly reading what the fuck are you looking at?
Yoongi was not expecting this.
He just stared back at him, like an idiot, delicately sniffling as he struggled to stay upright.
Jimin nearly shrieked as Yoongi's balance suddenly wavered, leaving the older tipping forward precariously.
Yoongi winced.
"Shhhhhh," he shushed him irritably, sending him the most miserable glare one could while wearing something that could be only described as a blanket burrito. "Jimin-ah, lower your voice," Yoongi chastised.
"Ah, Yoongi, are you alright?"
"M'sick," he mumbled, snatching the box that lay forgotten in his Jimin's outstretched hands. And then proceeded to have a coughing fit. (Again, delicately.)
Yoongi moaned, as the pounding in his head increased tenfold, leaving him staggering.
"...well good morning Jimin," he finally said, his voice weak and his forehead beading with sweat.
"Yoongi!" Jimin exclaimed, suddenly fussing over the man who way swaying like a leaf in the wind. "Yoongi! Ohmygosh ah-" he appeared to be panicking. "You should lie down! Hydrate! Ah ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh-"
"Jimin," Yoongi interjected, looking steadily at the spot just next to Jimin's head. "I'm fine."
And then let out a devastating, body-convulsing, impossibly loud sneeze that bashed their faces together.
Yoongi's blood turned to ice.
While he was sure he wore a composed mask of frozen horror when looking back at it, the only thing Yoongi registered in that moment was the little voice inside his head screaming at him.
Shitshitshitshit abort abort get the fuck out of here-
"Sorry," he choked out as he stared in horror at the red mark blooming on the other boy's forehead.
-and then closed the door in Jimin's face for the second time to avoid further human contact aka Avoid Finding More Ways To Fuck Up As A Functioning Human Being.
Later, when confessing his complete and utter fuckup, Namjoon had gone ballistic laughing.
Yoongi failed to see the humor in the situation.
* * * * *
The third time, it's because Yoongi hasn't shut up about Jimin since their last meeting two weeks ago, and also because his friends are dicks.
Which is why, when Jimin comes bearing a mystery package that Yoongi certainly does not remember ordering, Yoongi is nothing short of baffled.
"Uh," Yoongi had started, momentarily stumped by the beaming fucking bundle of sunshine on his doorstep. "...are you here so I can apologize because I've been planning an apology ever since then and really I am so-"
"Ah, Yoongi-hyung, don't worry about it. I'm just glad that you seem to be better now." Suddenly, the corners of his mouth turned up, his eyes mischievous.
"Yoongi," he purred with a sly grin "did you order this just so you could apologize?" He asked, his eyebrow quirking up in amusement as he pulled the package from behind him.
"I mean I was going to but no I haven''t ye-" Yoongi wanted to smack himself. "I mean- ah no that not what I meant but- I didn't order anything." Yoongi finally said, Jimin's assumption having hit so close to home having made him flustered.
"Yeah no I didn't order anything," Yoongi finally said, tilting his head to the side, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion.
"Here, just give me a second," he said, puling his keys from his pocket. Using the jagged edge to tear through the tape, Yoongi paused at the typed note taped to the box inside.
It was one of those messages that you could put in a package that was meant as a gift, and judging by the stupid cartoon animals bordering the paper, Yoongi had a sneaking suspicion of who this was from.
'Have fun ;) -from your favorite hyung' was all it read.
"That broad shouldered, Joonie-loving bastard," Yoongi swore under his breath. (He was gonna rip Jin a new one when he got his hands on him.)
Yoongi ripped the piece of paper up and crumpled into a ball, throwing it over his shoulder carelessly.
And then actually looked at the stupid box and choked on his own spit.
"What the ever loving fuck," Yoongi spluttered, already pulling his phone out and thumbing through his contacts furiously.
Jimin was like a confused puppy, with that expression on his face, his lips turned down in a frown. (Even through his irritation, Yoongi's heart melted.)
"Yoongi," he said, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. "Are you alright?"
But Yoongi already had the phone to his ear, the phone ringing twice before Jin's lilting laugh came through his speakers.
See, Yoongi had a superpower.
Yoongi could talk really, really fuckin fast.
Before Jin could get a word in Yoongi was off like a rocket, words tumbling off his tongue as he furiously ranted into the phone.
"andwhatthehellwereyouthinkinggodheprobablythinksI'mapervertandyou'renotmyfavoritehyunganymoreyoutraitorwhatdidIdotodeservethisandwhatthefuckwereyouthinking-"
"Wait," Jin cut in, sounding as if he'd been hit by some divine revelation.Yoongi tapped his foot impatiently as Jin went silent. "Wait Yoongi- did you open it in front of him?"
Yoongi's fuming silence was answer enough.
"Oh shit- oh shit HA!" Namjoon shrill laugh was loud enough to reach even Jimin's ears. Clearly, he had also had a hand in this very hurtful (and really not that unexpected) betrayal. (Yoongi had a sneaking suspicion that Hoseok was somehow involved as well; no way the two of the would come up with this on their own.) "You opened a box of 400 condoms in front of the cute delivery boy?" Namjoon's booming voice echoed in the air between them.
Jimin went still, his eyes flicking down from Yoongi's face to the box clutched tightly in his other hand.
Yoongi was suddenly very aware that he had made a tactical error by calling two of the loudest people in all of Korea with Jimin still in his room with a box of condoms in his hand.
"How did he react when he saw? Did he just turn around and leave or-"
"He's... he's actually still here," Yoongi stuttered out, glancing over at the boy who'd gone still.
Dead.
Fucking.
Silence.
"...so 400 condoms huh?" Jimin finally said shyly, breaking the silence. He laughed, the tinkling sound interrupting the steady montage playing in Young's head; the story of Jin and Namjoon's grisly deaths.
"Not bad," he said mostly to himself, scratching his chin thoughtfully.
Taking the phone from a stunned Yoongi- astounded by how well Jimin was taking the weirdness of his friends in stride- Jimin brought the speaker to his mouth.
"Well, we'll be sure to put these to good use, thank you!" Jimin chirped into the phone and Yoongi swore all of Asia could hear his jaw drop.
Jimin promptly hung up then, shutting Yoongi's phone with a satisfying click. Turning to Yoongi, he sent him a coy smile as he placed the phone carefully in his other hand.
Yoongi continued to gape.
"...I have a couple of friends like that," he finally said. "You kind of get used to it."
And then, clutching a conspicuous amount of condoms in one hand and wearing that stupid hoodie that had started the whole thing, Yoongi leapt forward and pressed his lips to Jimin's.
They ended up using Jin's little gift very soon after.