Chapter Text
By the time the recruits of platoon 2032 graduated bootcamp, they were all intimately familiar with each other. They knew who snored the loudest, and whose shit smelled the worst. Most importantly though, they were all very aware of the fact that Cameron Cope talked to himself. A lot.
___
Ray first met Cameron during the summer before his sophomore year of high school. The Cope’s had just moved in a couple houses down, and Ray’s mom insisted that they do the proper neighborly thing and bring over a batch of freshly baked cookies.
One of the first things that Ray noticed about Cameron was that he lacked confidence. They were only a year apart, and were similar heights, but the way that Cameron carried himself made him seem significantly smaller. It was pretty obvious that he was going to be bullied once the school year started, but Ray still wanted to be his friend anyway. It wasn’t like he had a lot of close friends to begin with, and everyone knew by then not to mess with him.
After their first introduction, they began to hang out quite frequently. Ray saw a lot of himself in the way that Cameron would sometimes zone out while clenching his fists tightly at his sides. He even found himself wondering if he would’ve acted the same if his dad hadn’t been the one to help him manage his nerves.
___
It only took a few months after meeting Cam for Ray to discover just how much he talked to himself. Whenever something interesting would happen, Cam would look off to the side and start talking as if there was someone there. The first time Ray saw it happen he had been nearly convinced that Cam had completely lost his mind.
Ray had walked out of class just in time to witness one of Cam's usual bullies shoving into him as he walked past. Almost immediately after it had happened, Cam had looked off to the side and said, “I know,” in a long drawn out way.
That, in itself, would not have been too odd. The undeniably strange part of it that Ray couldn’t help but notice, was that there was no one next to Cam. He appeared to be talking at a wall, which was highly concerning behavior for an otherwise perfectly normal person.
“You okay?” Ray asked a bit tentatively as he walked up to Cam.
“Yeah, I’m good,” Cameron answered like nothing was wrong. He had a faintly confused look on his face as if he couldn’t fathom why Ray would be asking, but was trying to hide his confusion for Ray's sake.
Ray saw the confusion that Cam was so obviously trying to hide, and began to question his own sanity. Had Cam somehow not noticed that he had spoken?
Before he could ask another question, he heard Cam speak up again. “Oh my god, my teacher just…”
Ray decided it would be better to just drop it.
___
The second incident was only about a week after the first one. This time Ray walked into the bathroom to find Cam standing in the middle of the room with soaking wet hair. It was painfully obvious what had happened just before Ray walked in. The wet hair and dejected look on Cam’s face were pretty par for the course, so he didn’t pay much attention to either of those things. What caught his attention was the fact that Cam was once again speaking directly at an empty wall.
“It’s not like I wanted it to happen,” Cam said in an exasperated voice. He was waving his arms around as he talked, and he looked as if he was in the middle of an argument with someone.
“Hey man,” Ray called out, deciding to announce his presence.
Cam startled a little when he heard his voice, but turned around quickly and plastered a grin onto his face. He lifted his hand in a wave and enthusiastically responded with, “hi!”
“You good?” Ray tried asking. He meant the question in reference to the argument Cam had been having with seemingly no one, but he wasn’t too surprised when Cam misunderstood.
“Yeah,” he said sheepishly, “it’s not like this hasn’t happened before.”
Ray once again decided not to push the issue. Cam was clearly not having a great day, and Ray was sure the last thing he needed was for his best friend to start grilling him with questions in the bathroom.
___
The third time Ray caught Cam conversing with nothing was nearly two months after the second incident, and Ray had almost forgotten about it by then.
They were sitting across from each other at a table in their school's library, and were both working on separate assignments. Ray was finishing up his chemistry homework, and Cam was in the middle of writing his report on Great Expectations.
It was almost completely silent in the library, so Ray startled a little when he heard Cameron whispering, “I can’t write that, Mr. Montgomery would kill me!” His tone was a lot more playful than his words, and Ray couldn’t help but wonder what sort of joke he had thought of.
“Huh?” He said glancing up from his chemistry assignment. He had originally assumed that Cameron was talking to him, but the fact that he had to glance up from the floor to respond to Ray proved him wrong.
When Ray got a good look at his face, he saw that Cam looked completely and utterly confused. “What's up?” Cam asked clearly thinking that Ray was the one who spoke first.
Cam’s question made Ray sputter for a moment. How was he the one who was confused?
“What did you say earlier?” Ray asked, finally deciding to confront the issue head on.
“I didn’t say anything,” Cam responded. The look of confusion on his face only seemed to grow.
“I heard you,” Ray insisted, “you were looking down at the floor and talking!”
“I’m pretty sure I’d remember that,” Cameron said, and Ray did have to admit that he had a bit of a point. “Are you feeling okay?” He asked. His question was kind, and laced with so much sincerity that Ray would’ve felt too guilty turning it into an argument.
“I’m good,” Ray responded with a smile, “I must’ve just heard someone at another table.”
___
Ray can barely remember the fourth time that he heard Cam talking into an empty space. He had just received a failing grade on his chemistry exam, and he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. It was the end of the school day, so he was thankfully able to go outside and get some fresh air. Being outside didn’t make him feel any less like his lungs were collapsing, but the cold chill of the winter breeze was definitely preferable over the hot and stuffy air inside the school.
Ray’s ears were ringing and his vision was tunneling, so he didn’t notice Cam approaching until he was directly in front of him. Cam was pacing back and forth mumbling to himself while looking distressed. “I don’t… No I can’t… but I have to… but what if… No, you’re right.” He turned suddenly and crouched down in front of Ray who had apparently at some point ended up on the ground. “Hey,” he said gently while slowly reaching an arm out and placing it on Ray's arm. “I need you to breathe with me.” Ray desperately wanted to explain that he couldn’t, but he was unable to force the words out. Cam noticed the panicked look on his face and kept talking in a soothing voice, “It’s okay,” he said. “I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise it’ll all be fine if you just try to focus on my breathing.”
Ray was thankful that Cam didn’t ask any questions about it once he calmed down. He trusted Cameron more than almost anyone else, but he still couldn’t find it within himself to explain that this wasn’t just a one time occurrence. He didn’t know how to explain that he put his maximum effort into everything that he did, because this was the price that he paid for failure.
___
By the fifth time that Ray had heard Cam having a full blown conversation with himself, he was no longer surprised.
It was the day that Ray was set to leave for the Air Force Academy, and he wanted to stop by Cam’s house first to say goodbye. He heard Cam’s voice behind his bedroom door, and gently pushed it open.
“I know I’ll regret it if I don’t tell him, but what if saying it's worse? No, you don’t know that for sure. He could end up hating me… Yeah, he probably already knows anyway.”
Cameron didn’t seem to notice Ray pushing the door open, so he knocked gently on it while standing in the doorway.
Cam was startled a bit and quickly turned around. “Hi,” he said, his voice portraying how nervous he was.
“Hey,” Ray said back, waiting for Cam to say whatever it is that he so clearly wanted to.
“I…” Cam started and then paused before trying again, “You’re my best friend, and I just want to be honest with you before you leave.” The pause is several seconds longer this time. He looked down at the ground and finished his statement in a much quieter voice, “I’m gay.”
Ray honestly wasn’t sure what the right thing to say was. It didn’t matter to him that Cam was gay, because Cameron was Cameron, and Cameron was his best friend which was really all that mattered. “I know,” he said with a smile on his face that he hoped was enough.
Cam exhaled a near silent laugh and looked up at Ray with a grin on his face. It was all he needed to see to know that he said the right thing.
___
Ray was ashamed of what happened while he was at the Air Force training. He knew that Cam would never mock or shame him for it, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth. “It’s my eyesight.” He said to everyone that asked. It was a blatant lie, but not one that anyone saw any reason to question.
When Ray first suggested that they should join the marines together, he wasn’t actually expecting Cam to go through with it. One reason was that Cam wasn’t what people typically thought of when they pictured a marine. The other, more important reason, was that he’s gay. He’d be breaking the law by enlisting, and he’d have to hide a big part of himself to get away with it.
Regardless of the risks, Ray couldn’t help but feel relieved that Cam would be enlisting with him. He reminded Cam of the risks associated with being gay, then said, “Oh, and one more thing. Everyone's going to think you're crazy if you keep talking to yourself.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cam said, but the shit-eating grin on his face gave him away.