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2025-11-01
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2025-11-02
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2/2
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Me Relinque/Ne Me Relinque

Summary:

"Leave Me / Do Not Leave Me"

The foolish boy who sacrificed himself to protect the one he loved, leaving everything behind as he trusted the lies of love—wishing her a better life without him.

The lonely girl who dearly wanted a companion—forsook it herself with the excuse of making their lives better. Now she bears the consequences that the world has punished her for. The promise she made won’t matter; all she can do is try, and try again, to have him by her side once more.

Notes:

There's once exist many Fal.
Falwind, FalEarth, FalWater, FalFire.
but then, all vanished.
sybau i lowkey abit delulu.
so my first time trying out angst. tho have to rely on someone premise. well atleast it uh...agnstier?

Chapter 1: The Day I Wish I Will Die

Chapter Text

The cat-man darted across the forest, his footsteps cracking down small tree branches, breathing in panic as he held a piece of paper—a letter, to be precise.

“Subaru-kyun! You stupid fucking idiot!” Ferris shouted with all his might. Accompanying him was an old man, whose face was etched with worry and fear.

“Subaru-dono! How foolish you are to think that way! I’ll not allow such a thing!” Wilhelm slashed through the trees, opening the path. His words were also accompanied by the argument of a furious earth dragon.

“GRAGHHH!” Patrasche expressed her anger. She used her beak to pick up the running Ferris onto her back to hurry the chase.

All three of them used all their might to speed up to Subaru’s location, who had been gone for a while ever since the successful conquest of Sloth. He said he was just going somewhere else to settle something during the battle, but the content of the letter terrified all of them.

Ferris bit his lip as he flipped open the letter, checking back at the content.

 

 

Dear Ferris,

If you’re reading this, then you know that I have disappeared for a long while now.
I’m sorry for what I’m about to say and to do. But I have many bad news for you.

First, the Sin Archbishop of Sloth has the ability to possess someone. The mechanics of it, I’m not so sure. But it only works for some specific individuals… which sadly includes me.
To truly take down Sloth, we must take down every single Finger before he can possess a body. I have gone through this information with you guys before. But it will not stop because I’m here.

I made sure that when you read this letter, Ferris, the battle is completed, and the possession will truly start. I have managed to use my own body as a trap, however. Do not kill me under any circumstance. He can only switch when the target is dead, so I made sure my body will become useless for him.

Do not try to capture me either, it only leads to futility. He still has his invisible hands. We have wiped out all of their lower subordinates. Sloth will recover late or might never, I hope. As I said, do not capture me. Other Sin Archbishops will come anyway. We don’t have Reinhard here, and they will attack quickly—there’s no time to call for him.

I’m sorry for doing this, but this is the only way this could have ended.

Second, I’m sorry to say this, but Crusch-san has been attacked by Gluttony. She has lost her memory—including who she was, of course. I hope you’ll be gentle and aware of her anxiety and condition. There’s also a girl named Rem, who has lost both her name and memory and is currently in a coma right now. Nobody remembers her except me. Please escort her to the Roswaal mansion and find a maid named Ram. She was her twin sister. Remember to give all the letters I wrote to everyone that has their name in it.

Please don’t ask why I know this—not like I can answer you anyway. But I’ll tell you all of this: I never directly partook in it, yet it was still my fault that they suffered like this.

I was never a Witch Cultist or anything like that. I hope you understand, Ferris.
I wish we could talk together more, maybe even hang out as well. But this is the end of my journey, Ferris. I sincerely thank you for your help these past few days, and I’ll never forget you.
I hope you’re happy.

Natsuki Subaru

 

 

“Why? How dare you! Trying to leave behind everything like this? What about Lady Emilia? What about the Rem you said? Don’t you want to save them?” Ferris spat out in frustration.

“Subaru-dono’s mind is not in a good place. Maybe he was mourning the loss of the maid and Crusch, but to do a suicide mission like this without telling us…” Wilhelm gritted his teeth. He couldn’t let his benefactor do this—not ever. Wilhelm hadn’t even repaid him for helping the Sword Demon get revenge for his wife.

“Subaru! Where the hell are you, nya!” Ferris shouted out, his scream echoing through the forest.

“…Grahh… Ahh!” A loud grunt replied back to the call. Ferris instantly snapped to its direction and ran with all his might.

There he saw it—Subaru. The operator who led the successful conquest of the White Whale and Sloth just now. He was lying on the grass, struggling through as he painted the entire place with blood.

Ferris, with the experience of an expert healer, noticed his wounds. Subaru had a deep cut on his wrist, one that, at worst, would not allow him to use his hand anymore. He also saw a large slash wound on one of his shoulders, around the brachial plexus. Looking down, Subaru’s legs kicked around, showing a large cut as his two feet lay beside him—it seemed like he had cut off his own legs.

“…Oth…lieve…ove…” Subaru muttered through a tongue that had been sliced, trying to say something.

The group’s breaths hitched. They were observing if this Subaru was himself or not. Wilhelm readied his weapon, Ferris’s hands glowed—preparing to heal if it was Subaru. Patrasche watched intensely.

“…ARGHH… VE… SELS… DARE… TRICK!” Subaru’s eyes turned into that of a madman. His howl tore through the air, shaking the group with deep regret.

“…uch… love—this… ligent… so… dilig…” Subaru wailed around as blood spurted through his mouth. The veins in his eyes reddened, seeming about to burst.

“…I… Petelgeuse—Hrghk… mance… Pghh… conti…” Petelgeuse announced himself in Subaru’s body. He coughed up even more blood and spilled it all over the grassland.

“Subaru-kyun! Please fight back! Don’t give up just yet!” Ferris begged. He still hesitated to approach the shaking figure, aware of his ability to summon invisible hands.

“Subaru-dono! There’s still much for you to do! Fight! Fight for it, Subaru-dono!” Wilhelm tightened his grip on the sword, veins on his forehead starting to grow as he gritted his teeth as hard as possible.

Petelgeuse slowly crawled through the mud. He stood with his limbs, the figure now only resembling a beast—not a human.
With a maddening laugh, the corners of his eyes wettened as tears started to seep out.

“GA! AHA! Hew… diligence! Such—grkk—wonderful showing of… LOVE!” Petelgeuse cried out.

“Much… sacrifice—to protect… you’re truly—GHRK… my perfect… vessel!” One of his arms gave up, dangling on a loosened shoulder. Subaru had managed to cut the tendon of his right arm, making it paralyzed.

“Get out of his body! You monster!” Ferris cried out. He grabbed Petelgeuse’s face and boiled his blood open.

“RAGHAHHH… AHHHH! SUCH… PAIN—ONLY DEEPENS MY LOVE—RAGKK!” Petelgeuse laughed like a maniac, his mouth open as he jumped at Ferris—trying to bite him. But before that could happen, Wilhelm dislocated his jaw.

The dislocated jaw started shaking as Petelgeuse tried to say something, but all he could muster was the groan of a wild beast.

 

[Now playing: Through Patches of Violet (Slowed + Reverb) | Limbus Company Canto VI by Mili...NotherWael remix]

 

Inside the shadow of his mind, Subaru stood there silently watching.
“Oh~ believer of love. I must confess that the show you put on to express your love is phenomenal! HOW DILIGENT! EVEN I HAVE TO ACCEPT SUCH LOSSES! Oh! How slothful I am.” Petelgeuse, right after praising Subaru, instantly held his collar. The two foreheads touched as he whispered,

“But—this is not over yet. I have fault the words of the Gospel, of the Witch’s Love! But no matter! It shall continue!” Petelgeuse came so close that their eyeballs came into contact. Subaru could feel the wetness, the shaking touching his eyeball.

He shoved Petelgeuse away, but all he could manage was to weakly fall and land hard on the floor.

“Don’t even try. Believer of love, I have taken complete control of your body. Never have I had so much control over a body like this. This is the perfect, most compatible vessel I ever got. So, so, so, so, so, so.” Petelgeuse played around with his finger; it started trailing up and down Subaru’s face.

“I’ll try to heal it. Don’t think such foolish tactics would affect me forever. You may have won the fight, but not the long battle, oh believer of love—so affectionate toward his way, but failed to see farther than he could. THAT IS SLOTH! OH, HOW SLOTHFUL-DESU!” Petelgeuse raised his arm around.

“…Whatever.” A small voice put a stop to Petelgeuse’s charade. He glanced at Subaru’s direction.

“I don’t care anymore. Others will protect her—Roswaal, Ram, Puck, Beatrice would do better.” Subaru slumped down in defeat, giving in as he rested on the hard floor.

“All I could do was sacrifice myself for her, just this one time. The only time where no one was there to protect her… not enough.” He placed his hand to cover his eyes, desperately trying to hide away the tears.

“THAT’S IT? You’ve given up on your love to somebody else? How slothful! What was the determination and diligence to defeat me for?!” Petelgeuse shouted. He couldn’t believe this—the one who defeated him could be this slothful? He couldn’t accept it.

“DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW? Do you know how much… how desperate I am? Finding a better future, a happier life with her? I’ve made up my mind already!” Subaru stood up.

“She has suffered through my impotence! My own ignorance! I was nothing but a vulgar beast that ruined her everything!” Subaru slammed Petelgeuse down; he squeezed the collar as hard as he could.

“ALL! ALL I DID FOR HER! Was just myself spinning another version of the past! A WORLD THAT DOES NOT EXIST! SOMEWHERE NO ONE EXCEPT ME EVER KNEW! I did it to fulfill my ego! My fragile and prideful heart! How could you know? HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU UNDERSTAND?!” Petelgeuse was shocked by Subaru’s explosion; he glanced at him with nothing but pity.

Subaru released his grip on Petelgeuse and instead hugged his head.

“I am the reason why… I am the one who made her suffer. Her own smile, her hope has been stolen by my own hands…” Subaru hugged his head as he finally snapped.

“Over and over… round and round again. I will keep hurting her, believing that I was doing something right in the process… so that’s why. I gave up. I also abandoned the hands that reached me…like Rem, and even I cannot save her.”

“No… because it was me… because the only one who can save her is me. So Rem can’t be saved.” He shook his head.

“So that’s why… Emilia… as the final gift for my love…the feeling that went untold…

I wish you have a better life… without me by your side.”

“This is unforgivable! Abandoning the love that you once had! Slothful! Utterly slothful! You disgust me! How can I lose to someone with nothing but sloth! My diligence was supposed to win!” Petelgeuse cried out.

“Because… it was love,” Subaru whispered.

“Huh?” His words stunned Petelgeuse; he didn’t understand.

“Love was the only reason why… that I believed I would win…” Subaru gave Petelgeuse an eerie smile.

“So good luck, Petelgeuse—your love wasn’t as powerful, nor as superior, as mine…”

“YOU… YOU SLOTHFUL CREATURE DON’T DESERVE TO—” Petelgeuse ran up and choked Subaru, but he stayed silent, unmoving, uncaring.

“The message has been said… through the letter that I wish you never read.” His eyes gave out, and all Subaru could see was darkness. The light amidst the nihility of his mind finally faded.

 

 

 

The night at Crusch’s mansion was far from quiet. The sounds of many talking and shouting echoed through the garden. There stood a girl—a beauty with silver hair—glancing around, looking for someone.

Emilia stood in solitude, her figure fidgeting. She noticed something was wrong.
She heard that there was an attack at the Mathers domain, and an alliance between Crusch and Anastasia was made to support and take care of the invaders. But Emilia wasn’t allowed to participate. They concluded her also as a victim and quickly transported everyone from the mansion and Arlam Village to the Capital and the Sanctuary.

This way of doing things reminded her of someone—Subaru, a foolish boy who used to work as a butler in Roswaal’s mansion.

Many things had happened between the two, especially after the argument where Emilia had decided to cut ties with Subaru, still believing that it would benefit him somehow, as long as he didn’t acquiesce to a half-elf like her.

If he kept doing things like that—disrespecting the knights and nobles at the Royal Meeting, fighting Julius—a knight—and ending up wounded, even trying to harass him again after so many things happened…

Emilia was hurt when Subaru did such things for her sake, but she never asked for that. Emilia didn’t want Subaru to hurt himself in her stead. So she left him behind.
Maybe then he would move on, change to someone else’s camp maybe? Crusch seemed to take an interest in him, although such a thought made Emilia’s heart throb painfully for some reason.

No, she shouldn’t think like that. This was the best choice. Subaru didn’t need to suffer for her.
But now, after everything that happened, Emilia couldn’t help but suspect that the one who led this operation was Subaru himself—the overprotectiveness and worry toward her were too familiar.

Maybe this was his way of saying sorry? Emilia didn’t know. But breaking a promise was bad. And Subaru had done it—would she forgive him after this?

So many thoughts surrounded her head, but all she wanted now was to talk to him. Maybe then she could finally understand why he did all of that.

There it was—many dragon carriages had arrived at Crusch’s manor entrance. Emilia bit her lip. She knew how downturned the mood must be after hearing that the candidate they served had lost her memory like this.

Quickly shoving her doubts and fears away, Emilia ran up to the carriages. There she encountered Ferris and Wilhelm, who she remembered also took part in the battle against the invaders. Emilia could ask about Subaru now.

Approaching the two figures, Emilia’s breath hitched as she saw the expressions both of them currently had—mourning, grief, even regret and hatred.

“Huh…” Emilia suddenly gasped. The sky started pouring down rain so suddenly, it quickly covered the entire mansion with water.

The loud and thunderous lightning struck down, the white light flashing through echoes of the mansion as rain poured down heavily on both the whole and the wounded.
Despite this, Emilia needed to know. She had grown worried for the past few hours after waiting for the expedition team to come back. She needed to know first—about Subaru. Everything else could wait.

“Rain, huh? Maybe it’s a good way to hide our weeping after all… old man Wil,” Ferris’s hand spread out, the raindrops falling in his palm as he watched in sorrow.

“I suppose that such a thing is needed… Emilia-sama is here, behind us right now,” Wilhelm announced, making Ferris turn back.

There she was—Lady Emilia. The night of the pouring rain made Ferris unable to really see her face amidst the various raindrops, but he could clearly tell how worried she was with just how hurried and clumsy she was running.

“Wilhelm! You’re here! Did you win the battle?” Emilia asked.

“Yes… Emilia-sama. We’ve won against the Witch Cult. Our first victory against a Sin Archbishop.” Emilia didn’t know who this Witch Cult was, but she could clearly tell that anything with “Witch” in it never went well.

“Please tell me… is Subaru a part of this? The way the operation was carried out was just… very similar to him.” Emilia clasped her hands, her eyes flickering with a glimmer of fear. If Subaru was in the battle… where was he?

“Yes, Emilia-sama. Subaru-dono was the main leader during the White Whale and Sloth battle. He was a determining aspect of our victory. You must have know him very well.” Wilhelm said. The rain made sure that his tears were hidden.

“Where is Subaru then? I want to talk to him, like really—about a lot of things.” But then Emilia noticed—the way the water trailed down Wilhelm’s face was a bit different.

And finally, it was said.
Those words were spoken in utter solemnity. A wet and soaked paper—no, a letter—was given out. And just like the tears in the rain, her wailing also went unanswered as the roaring thunder blocked out her wretched weeping.

 

 

“Please leave me.”

“Don’t leave me behind.”

 

Chapter 2: His Hand That I Let Slipped

Summary:

Ngl man, even i cried abit writing this chapter. i feel bad for emilia now...
well no matter, thing will get worse, espcailly at the santuacry

Chapter Text

It was dark, so dark. The night.

It was loud, so loud. The thunder.

It was soaked, my entire body.

It was soft, the letters.

I remember the rainy night. The day everything ended for me.

 

 

The pouring rain made me shiver, but I still stood there unmoving, the grip on the letter hardened as I bit my lip.

No… this can’t be. Subaru, he’s fine. He’s supposed to be alright… isn’t he? This is not true, everyone is a liar. Subaru will appear with a stupid smile on his face as he jumps out and spooks me, right? Right?

Why? Why is everyone so… silent? Where is Subaru? He’s supposed to crack a joke now. This is not funny at all, Subaru. Please come out quickly.

Please…

“Lady Emilia… I’m sad to inform you that Subaru-dono didn’t return from battle.” I could hear the voice of Wilhelm… No—this is not true.

“He’s still alive—nyah… I have to clarify it first.” My eyes widened. What does this mean? Subaru is still alive? He’s safe, right? But why didn’t he come? Is something wrong?

“Then… where is Subaru? Did he suffer from any wounds so he can’t come here?” I asked, wishing it to be true, because the implication in my mind was much worse than what I spoke out.

Felix shook his head, my heart throbbed painfully… but I stayed silent.

“Did he… just leave?” I asked, knowing full well that it was the truth. I hurt him, betrayed him, left him behind. Of course he would— not like I even expected him not to do such a thing.
I am a monster after all.

I should have been grateful that even when he decided he had enough of me, Subaru still tried to save me. He was too kind—too caring. He still tried to save me.
Maybe I should have known that I—

“No… it’s not the case here, Lady Emilia.” Wilhelm spoke, making me even more confused. What happened now? I can’t understand.

The loud crash of thunder rang out as he bit his lip. I noticed his voice choked in sobs.

“Subaru-dono… had figured out the abilities of the Sin Archbishop of Sloth: Possession. He can possess someone under conditions that even we have no idea of. And unfortunately… this worked on Subaru-dono.” What? I don’t get it. Possession? Taking control of someone’s body? And why did Wilhelm say that it worked on Subaru?

“Wilhelm… please tell me that you’re joking. This is…” I tried to say something, but my breath hitched—the eyes of his. I could clearly tell he wasn’t lying.

“Emilia-sama…Subaru used his own body as a trap, mutilated every part of his body he could lay his hands on to forever imprison Sloth in a useless body,” Felix announced, making me stunned.

How? Why did he do that? Why did he sacrifice himself?
No. This is not true. No… No…impossible.

“THIS IS FALSE! It have to be! Please, Felix! At least… did you capture Sloth then? We can still save him! There has to be a way!” I grabbed his shoulders, tears falling freely from my face as I begged.

“Sadly no… Subaru-kyun told us not to kill him or capture him. You know that Crusch-sama was attacked by another Sin Archbishop, right? If we captured him, they would lay waste to the capital—somewhere Reinhard couldn’t reach right now.” Ridiculous. I don’t care. I want Subaru back… what does this even mean? It doesn’t make sense.

“So you just let him run away? Why? Why did you leave him?” I shouted with all my might. How dare they leave him behind—they were supposed to try their best to save him, they…

“You think it was easy? You did leave him behind as well! Just because he was acting stupid! I tried! I tortured Sloth to make him get out of his body! I tried to intervene their Od! It didn’t work!” I realized… that’s true. I did leave him behind for a stupid reason. Why I even thought about I have the right to judge?

“No… Subaru… Argh… Subaru… Subaru…” I slumped down toward the cold and wet dirt, dirtying my dress—but I didn’t care anymore. He’s gone… gone.

“I’m disgusted to see how you can be this hypocrite… I understand that you’re grieving, but please don’t put the blame on him, on me, on Old Man Wil, and on everyone,” Felix grunted as he climbed up the dragon carriage.

Wilhelm gave me one last look—the one filled with pity, even hatred. And before leaving, he said one last thing.
“Remember to check the letter… Lady Emilia.”

I squeezed the soaked envelope tighter, raindrops wetting the paper for as long as I could remember holding it.

I stood up, walking away from everything—away from the buzzing shouts, away from all the injured—and entered Crusch’s mansion.

The hallways were covered with dirty footsteps made by many who evacuated the wounded into the mansion. I walked past all before standing at a guest room door.

The mansion staff had given me this room just a few hours ago. I held the doorknob and gripped it tighter—too tight.

I didn’t know what to feel, I didn’t know what to do… The only guiding light right now was the letter in my hand, so I entered the room, uncaring toward my soaking outfit. I sat down on the chair and carefully opened the envelope. It was reaaally full for a single letter… so I thought it contained more than one letter, and maybe something else.

Inside were two pieces of paper, a small note, and something that looked like a black gemstone. I decided to read the small note first.

It was his handwriting. I knew this after I saw him study in his room the other day. Although coming to this country was a new experience for him, he still tried his best to learn the language here… not like it matters anymore.

Please read the one with the red mark first. I tried to write everything I wanted to say at first, but it was too much for a single letter. The red one is just between you and me, the blue one is for many things that I want you to do—or I wish to… like about Roswaal, Rem, Ram, and Beatrice.

I don’t remember the name Rem. Was this an acquaintance of his? The name was almost a parallel to Ram—the maid that was working at the mansion.

So the red one first then… I bit my lips to not let my emotions burst out. Just holding the letter was already painful enough.

I tried to dry the letter with a bit of fire magic, although I much prefer ice spells. Such a thing was needed right now.

Holding it, I started to read through the lines of his writing. I could feel the emotions he had—it felt like he had perfected it. Every word, every sentence was correct in terms of grammar and vocabulary. I felt like he had written this many, many times.

I didn’t know what to feel, but I shoved my thoughts aside and started reading.

 

Dear Emilia,

If you are reading this letter, then I hope you already know what happened. I trust Wilhelm and Felix to say everything—that was what I pleaded for them to do in their letters, after all. But if the information didn’t reach you, then I guess I’ll briefly explain it.

The Witch Cult is a terrorist organization that worships the Witch. I know, scary right? And they seem to target you after the announcement of the Royal Selection.

I already knew about this, so I made an alliance with Crusch and Anastasia, seeking help. I’m sorry that I had to use the right to mine the magic crystal in the Elior Forest for that. I don’t know how much you care about this place, but it was necessary—at least for me.

Sloth is an Archbishop, the highest rank of the group. He can summon many invisible hands, and I just found out that he can possess someone under a few conditions that I do not know.
But it worked on me, Emilia. As long as I’m still in the battle, I will be possessed by him. But I cannot let the fight happen without me, the Witch Cult’s strategy is unorthodox and chaotic—only I can deal with them.

So I’m sorry. I used my body as a way to trap Sloth, weaken him, and defeat all the Witch Cultists so that he would be forced to stop the attack. This is stupid, I know…I never truly get rid of him after all. But I’m useless, Emilia. This is the only way I could think of.

Just don’t try to save me.

Starting rough, huh? I wish I could joke during these times, but this is a letter, and I know you will get mad at me. But I already faulted you before, Emilia, so I’m sorry. But I’ll made sure this will be the last time.

I want to say a lot of things to you, but many will be left unsaid. So before that, I at least want to say what I want to the most.

I can’t help but feel like this letter is too much—too final. But Emilia…

I love you.

I love you so much Emilia, and I still love you now. But I only figured it out now that I should never have loved you like that—treated you like a doll, making up a perfect version of yourself wasn’t the way to love someone.

I projected my insecurities onto you, relied on you like a perfect figure that would shine my path.

Sorry… maybe I’m ranting too much. How many “I” did I write now, huh? Well, moving on.

All my feelings for you were wrong and uncalled for. You never asked for it, right, Emilia? Yet I still hurt you—hurt us because of my one-sided love.

As much as I want to be with you, Emilia…to hold your hands, go on dates, talk and laugh together—this is my end now.

When I first arrived in this world, I was saved by you. Maybe you don’t remember—and even if you don’t believe it, just know that your kindness helped me once.

But then it quickly turned into obsession—one that I never realized until I met Sloth. He was the same as me, using love as an excuse for his horrible actions. And now I understand.

My love for you was disgusting, lesser than even a vile beast. And at the end of my eleventh hour, now I only know this.

So I’ll bring an end. Maybe I will die along with Sloth sometime in the near future, maybe the Subaru you knew will disappear forever—replaced by a monster. Although I still think it won’t change much. I’m not even human, after all.

I was born wretched—a filthy meat wrapped in some rags pretending to be human, hurting anyone who tried to help me: my parents, you.

But still, still there, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. The love I have, no matter how long or how painful, is still there, lingering inside my soul. So I gave you this Onyx gemstone (is it called like that? I’m not too sure). It’s not exactly pretty, maybe you would be grossed out or disgusted by it. You can throw it away if you want—I just bought it from a merchant during the Sloth fight after all—but I just want to give you something that resembles me, one that wouldn’t be infected by horrible actions.

Please don’t try to save me, Emilia. Don’t remember me anymore aside from the gift that I gave. Forget me, leave me behind, and live happily. The contribution from the fight—I made sure some will go into your camp. Maybe this was my way of saying sorry, not like it’s worth anything, however.

I want you to be happy, Emilia. Just be a queen, and even if you fail, I believe there will be someone who will care for you, who will love you properly, and treat you like a genuine person—not a doll like me.

Maybe all your wishes can’t be fulfilled, but I think it’s just that even our desires weren’t true to ourselves either. So pick up your own tools, carve your own path, and find your purpose, Emilia.

I’m sorry for everything—for loving you, for hurting you, for making you ashamed in the assembly hall, for lashing out and demanding your love just because I saved you.

You never owed me anything. Never will.

I love you. So if you care about me.
Please leave me behind.

Natsuki Subaru.

 

The tears fell freely on the letters. The grip of my hand loosened as I released it to hug my face, trying to wipe out everything.

“Argh… Subaru… no.” I’m sorry, Subaru. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I should have…I shouldn’t have…

You said you love me. You told me that I didn’t ask for it. That was true. I didn’t ask for any love. I didn’t know that I could be loved, Subaru. But… why did you love me? Because I saved you? I don’t remember.

All of what you did… was because you loved me? Why didn’t you say that sooner? Would I have acted differently if you had said it? I don’t know. But I still wish to see it.

But you’re gone. Subaru. Why? Why did you sacrifice yourself to try and save me? WHY!

“WHY! SUBARUUU!” my scream rang through the room. I don’t understand.

“Hurk… I don’t deserve to be loved. You don’t have to do this… ahhhhh.” I burst out crying. I can’t handle it. I can’t fathom it.

Subaru loved me. But I ignored it. All those words he said, all those compliments he gave were true. But I never knew. I never understood.

Oh Subaru, why are you so foolish to love someone like me? A wretched half-elf who doesn’t even understand what you implied, what your feelings were. And I thought I knew a lot about you.

Maybe I have no idea what kind of person you are, Subaru. But please. Your love is not disgusting, it’s not weird—I just didn’t know what to do. I’m lost. I didn’t realize it.

“Puck…” I whispered for my father figure, but he didn’t answer. It was night after all, but he was also one of the people who told her to leave him behind.

Was it his fault? No, it was still the monster named Emilia. All was my fault. Subaru was possessed and turned into a monster because of me. Subaru suffered because he was left behind—all because of her. Of me.

It was all my fault. I had condemned the only person who trusted me, who loved me, to the most tragic fate.

I can’t forget you, Subaru. I will never allow myself to forget you. I can’t…You have become a part of me. There will always be the echo of you in the back of my mind. Now every time I go out I will imagine you holding my hands, when I eat I will remember your banter at the dinner table, when I study I will wait for you to bring me snacks and tea.

I held the gemstone closer to me. It never shine any light expect reflecting the buzzing light in the room, it reminded me of his outfit—one with black and orange as its main color. I only realized how handsome he looked in it.

You weren’t disgusting, nor was your love. I was the one who was the monster. I hurt you, I betrayed you, I… I…

I don’t want to live without you, Subaru. Please, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Come back, please, Subaru. I will do anything. Subaru, be here with me again. So I can answer your feelings. So I can be together with you, to listen to your heartbeat, to feel your warmth.
My emotions were all over the place, the letter, instead of giving me some light, just snuffed out the only path I could see. Subaru, please… I’m here now, Subaru…

“Subaru… I forgive you. I’m sorry. Be here. Be here.” I cried out and reached toward the distant starlight. The distance between me and it was far—so far away.
The stories he shared, the laughter and the smile he had when he told me about the stars—they shone so brightly in my mind. My hands stretched out in futility, blindly searching for him.

“Argh…” And then I fell off the chair. I didn’t bother to stand up, to recover. It was useless anyway. I would never reach it. Subaru is gone. It was my fault that he was possessed. It was always my fault.

“Subaru… SUBARU!” The wailing of mine grew louder, my voice hoarse and dry from shouting. But I kept doing it, I had nothing better to do anyway.

“Argh! Ah! Please! Why! I don’t understand myself! Why did I do that! Subaru! Subaru! Subaru! Subaru!” I shoved everything on the table aside, leaving only the letter. The lamp fell and cracked on the floor.

“Subaru! Puck! Ram! Beatrice! Roswaal! Anyone! Please tell me what I should do! Please say that I can still save him! I beg of you!” I pleaded endlessly, but no one answered.

Why did he have to suffer? Why not me? He was just a boy who loved me. He shouldn’t be the one who was hurt. I brought the curse onto him. I should have died. He should have left me behind forever—leaving to live a better life.

“Why did you save me! Why won’t you leave me behind! Why do you want me to be happy!” I smashed through the window, glass shards flying in every direction.

“Your life is worth much, much more than mine! You have someone else to care for! Someone to love! Not me! Why me! Subaru! Answer me!” I begged, I called, I prayed for the voice of his.

“I love you! Please! Tell me that you’re still there, Subaru! I’m sorry I couldn’t say it sooner… but…” My voice turned down to silence, all that was left was a whisper in choked sobs.

“I love you… I realize it now. Why… Why couldn’t I say it when you were still there?” It was so unfair. Why is life so cruel? Why only when he’s forever gone can I finally say those words?

No… it is because it was doomed from the very start. As long as he kept loving me, then there was always failure.

But I don’t care. I want to be with him. I want Subaru here again. Nothing more. Just Subaru. The stupid and silly Subaru who was at my side.

No matter if our love was wrong from the very start, I just need to fix it. I just have to change it. For Subaru. Only for Subaru.

But how? I’m useless. I don’t know what to do. How can I even save him? Sloth has taken his body forever. Can I find him? How would I save him from the hands of Sloth?
Someone, someone please tell me what to do… please…

 

I landed softly on the bed, picking out the blue letter and reading it right there.
This letter now was formal, almost… forced. I only skimmed through it… the content didn’t have much for me to care.

It was just him talking about bringing Rem back, the twin sister of Ram that was forgotten by the world. Telling me to try and make friends with Beatrice and ask about Roswaal’s intention. He also told me to make Roswaal tighten the security and request proper protection for me.

Even when he’s not there, he still cares about me… you’re so stupid, Subaru.

I don’t know how much time has passed, the tears have stopped because I have nothing left to cry. Maybe tomorrow I will.

I hold the gem with my dear life, this is my everything now. The only piece of Subaru that I have left.

I thought about what I should do with this, where I can wear this. This is the most precious thing I’ll ever have. The gift of someone who used to love me.

I shut my eyes, imagining me and Subaru living happily together. Was this too fast? Was I this disgusting to think about me living with him right after I just killed him myself?

I don’t care. I just want something to get it off my mind. But I know it will never fade.
Maybe we can have children together. Although they might think badly of themselves for their appearance just like me. I’ll make sure that they know how cool they are—having such an awesome father like him.

“Hrgk…” I suddenly noticed the bed sheet was stained with tears. I cried again, didn’t I?
Whatever… It’s not like I’m not suffering enough. So I just let my tears flow freely again. Thinking about Subaru alone now just made me want to go mad.

Subaru.

Subaru.

Subaru.

I repeated his name many times in a single night now. Might be forever ever since this night. I hope so, that will make me suffer, will make me remember him.

“…”

Then a sudden idea popped out in my mind, my hand glowed a blue color as mana started to focus there. The atmosphere turned cold as I used my magic to manifest something.

I never made such a complicated thing out of magic. But I still tried anyway… it was surprisingly hard.
The first few attempts were a total failure, just like my life. I kept trying again and again. After a while, I made it.

Surrounding the black gemstone was a small ring, I think white goes very well with black. It’s not really that detailed, just a vague imagination that was conjured to life by my small and idiotic mind.

My breath slowed down as I tried to put the ring on my finger, the fourth one in my hand… the ring finger.
It fit perfectly. Makes sense… I have been trying to change the size for a while after all.

The white and black ring highlighted on my pale hand, I checked it again and again. Lost in its beauty.

“What am I doing?” I put down my hand that was wearing the ring. I am so delusional now, am I? Desperately trying to imagine me together with him after all of this.

If your love is as vile as the monster named Sloth, then what I did to you was nothing short of atrocious, baleful, and disgusting. I’m a sinner that has faulted you now, Subaru.

When will it end? I don’t think I even deserve one. I have so many things I want to say, so many things I want to do. But all was just to see you again, Subaru.

No goodbye. And the last words I said to you were the cruel and malefic farewell.

Help me.

 

 

 

 

H̸̛̹̜̞̝̙̣͔̜͙̦̲͇͇̩͇͕̖̀̓̒̎̄̀́͆͒́̃͑̓́̀̿̓̃̐͝ͅḚ̶̡̧̟̰̹̻̙̤̥̬̤̦̮̗͚̫̞̹̬̘̹͛̋̍̽̉̍̅̄̑̍̏͒͂̊̉̈́̚̕̕͜͝͝L̵̨̨̻̹͇͎̖̺̲̺̟͇̞͇̞̻͔̳̥̲̠̬̻̦̗̮͚̰͆̄̒̐͆̊̎̒̈́̈́̾̈̽̋́̈̍͋̏͑͑̄̓̓̆͗̏̋̕̚͘͝͝ͅP̷̧̢̡̢̛̛̖̗̼͙̝͖̻̝̘͖̣̥̱̱̭͓̫͍̣͓͉̲̠̏̅̎͋͑̇̀͊͐̅̋̈́̀̽̇͛̀̈́̾͐͛̅̓͗̍̽̾͘̚̚͘͜͜͝͠͝ͅͅ ̷̝̣̟͍͖̯̲̟̤̫͕̞͈͍͙̮͕̤͕̜̻̮̝̰̼̱̳̠̮̙̫̭̐̽̽̑̊͑̓̾́̿̀̀̅̒́̐́̇̕͘̚͝ͅM̴̡̢̗̫̦̙̻͓̜̱̤̼͓͍̹̻̎́̍̈̅͜͜E̵̢̡̥͚̮͔̺͇̘̫̙͍̺̖̰͍̤̺̤͕͚̳͎̥̺͓͚̥͒̒̾͜ͅͅ ̶̢̢͔̥̙͕̮̩̖̥̟̠̟͇͔̙̫̟̣̻̹̀̎̄̾̏̉̓̓͋̇̆̇͐̊̽̏̀͋́̀̓͌̃̾͛́̃̉̾̑̒́̓̕̕͜͝͠͠͠S̵̛̛̙̜͖͇͖̞͋͛͊̀̀̂̐̑͐́̌͂̎̄̽͗̉́̋̈́̾́̄͋̎̓̕̕Ù̵̳͕̹̭̞͗͑̽̊̑̈̆̌̆̎́͒̀̈͝͠B̵͉̣̮̠͊̀̑́̃͆̑̇̈̿́̕͠͠͝͝A̸̤͉͓̻̻͍̙͈͈͂͗̓̎̐̾̒̉̆̈́̀̋̈́͆̋̌̽͂͛̽̍̀̒͐́̚͘͝͝ͅR̶̨̢̢̹̹͓͓̪̗̺̪͇̗̻̻͚̞̩̺͉̹̯̲̮̹̺̣̜̠̥̭̹͓̺̩̈́̎͝ͅͅͅŰ̶̺͓͖̜̙͎̱̤͙̞̑̓̀̇̈́̔̃̅͒̕͝͝