Work Text:
Despite her best efforts, Kagami was a hypocrite. A person who would do bad things and pretend she didn’t, who would chide others for behaviour that was also hers. The worst kind of person.
‘I don’t hesitate’, for example. Those were the words of a hypocrite. She hesitated in most areas of her life: speaking back to her mother, gaining friends, asking for help.
But when she came to that ice rink and saw that Adrien had eyes more for Marinette than for her, or that Marinette could become the centre of attention just by falling over, jealousy took control.
Kagami strode forward to pull her up before anybody else could reach out their hands.
When their gloved hands met, though, Kagami … got it. The reason Adrien considered Marinette such a good friend that he’d gush about her to a stranger. The reason both Luka and Adrien couldn’t keep their eyes off her. There was no magical quality to Marinette’s grip, no hidden depth in her eyes, no incredible voice that could spell-bind a sailor. There was just a je ne sais quoi, a detail that only emerged when Kagami got the complete impression of Marinette Dupain-Cheng.
The girl could command attention like few others. No wonder she had two suitors with her. She probably had many more, waiting just around the corner. She inspired emotion, and even if you hated her you would have to hate her with intention; it would be difficult to be ambivalent towards her.
Kagami did hate her with intention — for a while. In the time after the skating rink, she knew just how much competition she had from a girl who couldn’t even open her lips to speak her desires. Even that was hypocritical, because Kagami had many desires she didn’t speak. But when Marinette kept mum, it was… more, somehow.
Everything to do with Marinette was… more.
The hate faded, though. They were matched for Friendship Day and Kagami was overjoyed that she hadn’t been matched with a complete stranger. Sure, she didn’t understand Marinette, but the girl had nonetheless been described to her as a good friend. So it was awful beyond description to learn that Marinette had been trying to sabotage her that whole day. Then, half a minute later, Marinette tried to patch everything up — and it was equally awful to recognise that even though Marinette was indecisive and capricious, she still had the strength of mind and heart to own up to her mistakes and try to fix them. Even at the cost of her own dignity.
And her wallet, because when she invited Kagami out for orange juice, she insisted on paying.
“I looked through your phone,” Marinette admitted as they sat underneath a café parasol. “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have.”
“There was nothing to see on my phone,” said Kagami, truthfully. “So it doesn’t matter if you saw.” This felt like a lie.
“That still means I found out secrets about you, though,” said Marinette. Her smile was awkward, but probably genuine. “I violated your privacy.”
Warm blood rushed to Kagami’s face. “You found pictures of my underwear?”
“No! Nonono!’ Marinette also flushed. “Do you really have those on your —”
“I do not!” said Kagami. “But you said you violated my privacy!”
“I meant privacy, like…a phone is kind of private, isn’t it? You can have all kinds of secrets on it, like — like your contacts. Which I looked through. I’m super sorry.”
Kagami dropped her gaze about halfway through Marinette’s denial, when it became clear this was just another misunderstanding. “Oh,” she said. “Good. My phone isn’t very private.” Again, it felt like a lie.
It also felt a little bit frustrating that Marinette didn’t say anything straight away. Even though Kagami had no idea what she actually wanted Marinette to say, she at least wanted to hear something, and the wait was interminable —
“Hand me your phone, then,” said Marinette.
Kagami frowned. “Why?”
And Marinette just…winked. “Trust me. I won’t do anything bad.”
And then…Kagami did hand her the phone. She even unlocked the screen first. The wink had gone deep into her chest and dug out a little space for itself, and Kagami knew it wouldn’t disappear from there any time soon.
A few moments later, Marinette finished typing. Then she held the phone up to her face, made a silly expression, and lowered it again. After nodding at the screen, she handed the phone back with a proud smile and said, “There! I’ve added myself as a contact. Now you have something to keep private!”
Kagami reached out her hand, but didn’t take the phone just yet. “I should keep it private that you’re my friend?”
“Well…you never know. Maybe I’ll be radioactive next week and nobody will want to associate with anyone who’s ever even talked to me.”
Kagami snorted. “Okay. If you say so.” She grabbed the phone. “I’ll keep our friendship a secret.”
“Good.” Marinette beamed.
Then she pulled her arm back and knocked her entire glass of orange juice into her lap. After a pause to make sure Marinette wasn’t upset, Kagami started laughing, and then Marinette followed suit.
That was the final seed. It was planted thoroughly between Kagami’s ribs and now it only needed to sprout, to grow into her heart and lungs and become the horrendous tree of love it was destined to be.
They spent more time together, but mostly with Adrien placed between them. For Kagami, that meant her breath hitched for him more than for Marinette; there was no reason to imagine it could hitch for anybody else, because Marinette was just a friend. Adrien was her crush.
And then, her breath hitched unambiguously for Marinette, by a piano on the roof of Le Grand Paris, as Marinette emerged breathless and hairband-less from a ball pit. It hitched again under an umbrella outside the swimming pool, after Marinette had spent an hour trying to push her back together with Adrien. It was a useless hitch, because Marinette loved Adrien so much that she would never look at Kagami like that, with eyes that could swallow stars and shine even stronger in their stead.
What did it mean, then, when Kagami’s feelings for Adrien also returned? Or when Marinette and Adrien finally started dating? When Kagami found herself possessed with the idea that Marinette didn’t want to spend time with her anymore and, not coincidentally, discovered that Marinette was also Ladybug? When the akuma caught her and she became a lonesome cloud giant?
Maybe it meant… that when she sat alone by the Seine, unable to see or hear a single living person, she was happy. Marinette had locked her out and kept secrets from her, just like Adrien had, and so it felt good to ignore her. It felt good… until it didn’t any more. Her eyes and ears were blocked off, but her memory wasn’t, and so she heard those memories speak to her.
You know what? I’m glad we’re friends.
I’ll always be there for you, Kagami.
You’re strong, you’re perfect!
A winking face that said, Now you have something to keep private…
She thought she could see Marinette waving at her from the Saint-Martin canal bridge, smiling boldly and warmly. She thought she could feel Marinette’s hands wrapped around her in a ghostly hug. She thought she could hear Marinette’s voice shaping words it had never made before, like a distant echo, a memory of something that never was —
Kagami, I… I love you too…
They were terrible dreams of lies and nothing, and they hurt in a way she hadn’t felt since she broke up with Adrien. The two people she loved were dating each other, and ignoring her, and it was so much easier to just ignore everyone right back and vanish into nothingness than to continue existing in their presence. The roots of the horrendous tree of love had pierced through her heart and she was bleeding, the tree’s crown choking her lungs.
Love wasn’t worth it, and so life wasn’t either.
So… what did it mean when a hundred people showed up to tell her she was loved? What did it mean to escape the akuma and be hugged by Marinette first as Ladybug, and then as Marinette, and love the touch more than she’d loved anything? What did it mean when she didn’t really care that a hundred people showed up for her, or that a dozen people added her to their contacts? That the only part she really cared about was when Marinette told her, 'I still want to be your friend'?
What did it mean that Marinette might soon fade into just being one of many friends?
It didn’t mean that the crush stopped. If it did, everything would be so much easier. In a way, Kagami didn’t even realise she had a crush: she knew deep down, but she kept pushing it deeper, because it was so much easier to convince herself that she only loved Adrien than to face the indignity of loving both sides of the most perfect couple to ever exist. Once she did that, it was so much easier to listen to Lila — to let herself be convinced that Marinette was two-faced and cruel. Because if Marinette were two-faced and cruel there would be no reason to love her. Adrien was perfect. Marinette was chaos. She was crumpled paper and missed steps. If Adrien let himself get too close with her, he would be tainted.
It was so easy to think that… until she met Marinette again.
Everything was so easy when Marinette wasn’t involved.
And then Kagami stood de-akumatised by a fountain, surrounded by Marinette and Cat Noir and a thousand things she had tried to ignore. And Marinette was holding the protective charm out to her, and she wouldn’t — couldn’t — daredn’t accept it.
Until Adrien appeared.
“Marinette's not a liar nor a manipulator,” he said, and she knew he was correct. “She's brave, generous. She listens to others. Unlike Lila, her actions prove it every day. And that's why I love her. I'm sure deep down, you can feel it, too.”
And the deep down burst, and she became a fountain. She could feel it, too. She sank to her knees in their embrace.
“I love you both,” she said, the first time she’d admitted it, the first time she’d known it for sure. They were perfect for each other — but she wanted their perfection to include her, too. She wanted to be inside Marinette’s more.
“We’re sorry,” said Marinette.
“It’s not your fault,” Kagami cried. She squeezed her arms together, like if she touched them back they might disappear and be yet another dream: like they were the cloud giants who couldn’t see or hear her, who would blow away into the wind if she dared to acknowledge them.
Even as she felt her posture soften between them, even as the last of her walls were being cracked apart and torn down by the growing roots inside her — she was terrified the two of them would vanish if she opened her eyes. But the longer they held on, the longer Adrien murmured comforts and Marinette repeated, “I’m sorry”, the more she was sure they were real.
And the more she knew she would be tortured forever without them.
She pulled back from their embrace, maybe too roughly, maybe too fast. She saw in their eyes that they were surprised. Marinette’s mouth opened and closed, like she was about to say something. Whether she decided against saying it or just didn’t have the courage to, Kagami found herself longing to hear it more than anything. Even if it was nonsense, even if it was thoughtless, even if it was empty comfort. Because what she needed to hear right now was just Marinette’s voice.
“What were you about to say?” said Kagami, wiping her sleeve across her eyes.
“That… that we love you,” said Marinette. Her voice was thin.
Empty comfort. Thoughtless. Nonsense. It was all three. But Marinette was honest to a fault and loving beyond reason…
And Kagami decided to challenge her.
She grabbed the back of Marinette’s head with both hands and pulled her close, until their lips met. It was forceful and rude, but if Kagami didn’t do it, if the only lips she ever tasted were Adrien’s, she would never know peace. She heard a sharp intake of breath from Adrien and she smelt all of Marinette’s chaos, her deodorant and her hair oil and her sweat, but she held on.
How long they kissed, Kagami would never know. But as she pulled back — with her tears on both their cheeks — she realised Marinette hadn’t tried to get out of the kiss.
There was still surprise in Marinette’s eyes. Maybe there was worry, too. But the fullness and depths of those eyes were indecipherable now. Was it because Marinette had indecipherable emotions… or had she herself gone stupid from the time their mouths were joined?
“I meant what I said,” Kagami said, staring straight into the incomprehensibility before her. Her tone was clear, but frayed. “I love you both.”
Maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe she’d only loved Adrien in the past, or maybe she still loved him, or maybe she loved him differently from how she used to. But she knew for a fact that she loved Marinette.
Adrien’s eyes had shot up wide. But that didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that Kagami hadn’t hesitated this time. She had spoken her desire as clearly as she was able.
Marinette opened her mouth again. Her eyes weren’t just indecipherable, they were beautiful. And Kagami knew… whatever passed through those lips, whether oblivion or that distant echo… she would accept it.
Because that, too, would be delivered in Marinette’s voice.