Work Text:
(Iida hand-chops to get everyone’s attention.)
Iida: Everyone! It has come to my knowledge that the coffee machine in the commons room has been broken! We shall find the culprit!
Midoriya: I’ll pay for a new one!
Ochako: No, that’s not fair! The person who broke it should pay!
Kaminari: It’s most definitely Bakugou. Who other than him would break a coffee machine?
Bakugou: It’s not ME, damn it! IT WAS YOU!
Kaminari: Wait, what?
Bakugou: Yes, you heard me, YOU broke the coffee machine!
Yaoyorozu: Where’s your evidence?
Bakugou: My evidence is HE BROKE IT.
Kirishima: Bro, you can’t just accuse someone like that!
Bakugou: Yes I can.
Tokoyami: We aren’t going anywhere with this Bakugou, your accusations are false.
(Bakugou flips out in the background.)
Ochako: How did the coffee machine break again?
Iida: On the outside the coffee machine is cracked and hit in different places. When I first discovered it, it was on fire.
Ashido: Then it has to be-
Midoriya: Me!
Ashido: What? No! You can pay for the coffee machine but we’re trying to solve a murder here. Anyways, the murder of the coffee machine has to have been orchestrated by Todoroki!
Kaminari: …Why?
Jiro: Because of the fire, right? But that could’ve also been done by Bakugou.
Bakugou: No I wouldn’t! I don’t drink coffee!
Midoriya: What do you mean, Kacchan, I remember that in the one hundredth and seventh page of my ‘Kacchan’ notebook, I wrote down that you do, in fact, drink coffee, and you also like spicy food too.
Bakugou: What kind of nerdy creep has a notebook dedicated to their own enemies?
Midoriya: Well, I wouldn’t consider us as enemies, we’re more like frenemies but at the same time you bullied me as a kid, so maybe we have a bully-victim relationship. But I do consider you as a friend, so would that be called a one-sided friendship…
Ashido: But back to my point, I think Todoroki killed the machine with fire!
Todoroki: Why would I kill a machine?
Ashido: Why would I know?
Todoroki: But you…made up the theory that I killed the coffee machine…
Ashido: …That makes sense.
Kaminari: I still think it’s Bakugou, because the fire aligns perfectly with his quirk!
Bakugou: It wasn’t me!
Sero: Your innocence has yet to be proven, for the time being you remain a suspect.
Bakugou: I’m not suspicious, Tape Arms!
Kaminari: Yes, you are.
Ashido: So, it’s him?
Bakugou: NO!
Sero: Yes!
Iida: Let’s do this in an orderly way, who thinks Bakugou has broken the coffee machine?
Kaminari: Me! I bet 5 yen on it!
Jiro: 5 yen is basically worthless…
Sero: His face says it all! I bet 5 yen!
Bakugou: This is my normal face!
Ashido: If they think it’s Bakugou, I agree too!
Tsu: He would definitely break the coffee machine, and all the evidence we have points to him, so I think it’s him.
Iida: Is that all the votes for Bakugou? Does anyone disagree with the statement that Bakugou broke the coffee machine?
Bakugou: ME! I DISAGREE FOUR EYES! I never broke ANYTHING!
Kirishima: I agree with Bakubro here! His explosions wouldn’t cause a fire anyways, the coffee machine would just burst into pieces!
Yaoyorozu: Kirishima is right, the explosion would create a spark, but it would be easily extinguished by the coffee inside.
Midoriya: Kacchan wouldn’t-
Bakugou: YOU shut up, Deku! You don’t get to vote!
Midoriya: But I was helping you…
Bakugou: I don't care! Shut up!
Iida: So, we seem to be unable to come to a conclusion. Do we have more suspects?
Ochako: What about the other classes, like 1-B?
Kaminari: Then it’s definitely that guy who laughs at our class every time we see him! I don’t know his name but I know it’s him!
Midoriya: Like Monoma?
Kaminari: Yeah, Momoma or something like that.
Jiro: It could be him, he’s so jealous of us, he would practically do anything just to spite us.
Hagakure: Can they come here? I thought they were prohibited from going into the 1-A building.
Ochako: I don’t think anyone said that they couldn’t come to our rooms, but maybe it’s an unspoken rule.
Yaoyorozu: Let’s just put a question mark on it. Next?
Todoroki: Endeavour.
Kirishima: Endeavour?
Todoroki: Endeavour.
Tsu: It does make sense, with the fire. But I doubt he would come here, what would he reason even be?
Sero: Hey! Let's return to the Bakugo theory! He is the most suspicious one here.
Bakugo: How many times do I have to tell you, IT’S NOT ME!
Sero: Hmmm, still most likely you.
Bakugo: NO!
Kaminari: Can your arguments be more baseless and empty? You’re not even trying to prove your case.
Bakugo: Shut up, Dunce Face! My argument isn’t baseless, because I didn’t break it!
Kaminari: That’s just basically like “I didn’t break it because I didn’t break it according to myself!”
Tokoyami: Do you have anyone proving that you were never here at the time the coffee machine was broken?
Ochako: When did it get broken?
Iida: Who was the last to use it?
Mina: Who knows, and seriously, no one’s going to admit themselves. The one who used it last has to be the coffee machine killer!
Iida: We have to be honest and admit our wrongdoings! Please, everyone state the last time you used the coffee machine.
Everyone: …
Yaoyorozu: Since no one is willing to start, I will share first. I had never used this coffee machine, because I have one in my room that has my favourite kind of coffee.
Tsu: I don’t use the coffee machine either, because I don’t drink coffee and would prefer water.
Ochako: I have used the coffee machine this morning, since it’s a free drink and I’m not turning down a free drink.
Kaminari: That means it’s you!
Tsu: It’s probably not, if she were to do anything to the coffee machine I doubt she would break it, she would just steal it.
Ochako: I would, breaking it is just a waste.
Sero: What about you, Kaminari, all you have been doing is accusing people, which makes you automatically suspicious. I saw you around this area at about noon!
Kaminari: How dare you assume I drink coffee! And I was using the water dispenser, it’s right next to the coffee machine.
Sero: …ok, I’ll leave you off my suspect list for now…
Tokoyami: You know, you haven’t exactly proved your innocence too.
Sero: Look into my eyes. I did not break the coffee machine. Do I have the eyes of a lying man?
Kirishima: I can only see the manly spirit of a man. He’s innocent!
Ochako: I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to deduce if someone is lying or not, but okay.
Yaoyorozu: This is impossible! I wish I had installed cameras beforehand.
Todoroki: …But there’s one right there.
(There’s this camera on the wall, with the adhesive that is sticking it to said wall being a grape, with a note saying: Please come closer if you see this note.)
Mina: Mineta… I am so going to kill him.
Tsu: Before you kill him, we have to use his camera to find the culprit.
Kaminari: The monitors are in his room, I’ve seen them before—not that I was peeping of course.
—a few minutes later—
Mina: Tell us where the camera monitor is, or else.
Mineta: Or else… what?
Mina: Or else all the girls in the class will wear completely covering clothes for the entire month.
Mineta: They're under the bed.
Midoriya: I’ve found it, when should I rewind it to?
Ochako: I saw it in the morning.
Kaminari: I think it was still here at about 1?
Midoriya: So the only period of time it could’ve been broken is from 1:00 to 2:30.
(Midoriya rewinds the monitor to show the coffee area at 1:00)
Sero: Look! That’s Kaminari with the water!
Kaminari: I take offence, I’m not a disgraceful water drinker, I’m a tea drinker!
Tsu: What’s wrong with water?
Iida: Quiet down! We cannot hear what is happening! Bakugo has just entered the coffee area!
Kaminari: You don’t even need to hear, you can see the screen.
In-video Bakugo: You stupid coffee machine! Does this look like a full cup to you? Yes? Well then, DIE!
(In-video Bakugo smashes the coffee machine, creating a huge explosion.) (The coffee machine had no coffee left in it, so it was soon engulfed in flames.)
Kaminari: It was you!
Bakugo: No, it WASN’T!
Sero: We have the evidence, you’ve been judged as guilty.
Iida: As class representative, I’m afraid I will have to order you, Bakugo Katsuki, to pay for another coffee machine on account of the class.
—the e-
Mina: Wait! This case has been solved. But there is still an execution to be carried out. Sero, wrap the tape!
(Sero wraps the tape like a cocoon around Mineta.)
(Mina sprays acid on it.)
(Who’s that indistinguishable Pokémon? It’s a pervert!)
—the end—