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I see you sleeping as I stand by the door. I am captivated, enamored by your simple beauty. Of how your hair tumbles down your shoulders. Of your smile and laughter. When you were younger, just after we moved to Evenfall Hall, you used to run around, wild and free. You still have that mischief within, except you’re more grown up. At the age of ten, you are wise beyond your years. And a lot more taller, I might add.
I have the urge to brush away a lock of hair from your face. I slowly make my way towards you, the urge growing stronger. I kneel and tuck the golden strand of hair from your rosy cheek. Suddenly, panic begins to consume me, my breath coming in short puff. I place my hand (the real one) on your back to check your breathing. The fear dissipates from my stomach, down to my legs.
“Jaime,” Your mother whispers. I am unable to move or get up. I stay perfectly still, my hand on your back. I allow for my legs to get up with your mother’s help. She says my name again, asking me a question I cannot understand.
“Brienne,” I breath her name, guiding her soft lips into mine. Her name is a tonic. Her eyes of blue hypnotize me. I never knew a love so innocent, so full of life. Of you and Brienne. The two loves of my life.
You know everything. About my past life. From when you overheard the Dragon Queen talk about it during the council meeting here in Tarth. About the other love that was my life, who was my sister. About our three children and their grizzly deaths. I never allowed myself to feel anything for them, especially Myrcella. I had so much to do, battles to be fought, numbing myself completely. The Iove I shared with Cersei was my obsession, our special and secret love. The love that was doomed from the start.
“You look unwell, Jaime. Are you sure you’re alright?” Brienne asks me.
“I’m fine, don’t worry.” We enter our room, sitting next to each other on the bed. “Just checking up on Serena.”
“You’re scared it will happen again?” What she means is of you getting sick again. You fell violently ill as you shivered in bed. The sweat dripping down your face. Your bright eyes dull and nearly lifeless. Brienne and I were informed that you wouldn’t last long. That your days were numbered. This was direct punishment for all of my sins. To lose the first child I can truly call my own.
I refused to leave your side, getting up multiple times during the night, as I checked your breathing. You moaned with pain, saying “Make it stop, please make it stop.” If I had to give my life for you, I would have happily taken your place.
For many days, I spent time with you, talking and trying to keep you in this world. I told you the story of how your mother and I were almost mauled by a bear and our journey together. We took turns keeping watch over you, hoping and praying you would get well. Finally, you slowly but surely got better. Regaining life again.
“Don’t think that. Serena is okay.” Brienne shared another kiss with me. I hunger for her and I can see she feels the same way.
I lie in bed, my body pressed against hers. My arm draped across her stomach. Try as I might, my thoughts drift away into the past. Of those defining moments in my life, the moments I would rather forget.
“Long may she reign…” Those words echoed in my mind as I saw her sitting on the Throne. She finally got her wish, her desire to rule. To become Queen. Her method was a direct inspiration from the Mad King.
Her gaze fell on me. Her eyes said it all. Ambition. Vindication. Ruthlessness. A burning desire to destroy all enemies that were not Lannisters. My own look betrayed nothing. I couldn’t feel anything. My body felt heavy and numb. And yet I managed to stand upright. She might have assumed I would stay by her until the end of her reign. Because we both knew, however much she wanted to deny it, that her reign would not last very long.
Cersei’s embrace used to bring me life, an untamed hunger to have her inside me. She was what mattered to me the most. But now, as we kissed, I wanted her away from me. The more I pushed her away, her fury would be revealed.
She paced, walking to and fro, swearing vengeance. Our forces were too weak, not standing a chance against outside forces, led by Daenerys Targaryen. I tried to reason with her, to convince her to see reason.
She called me a foolish cunt and other names that were spewed with such hatred. There was no love, no life, no regard for anyone else.
It wasn’t until Cersei screamed those three words that sent a bolt down my spine. Those three words that I heard once before and never thought I would hear again.
“Burn them all!”
Those words made for Cersei to morph into the Mad King. The king I was sworn to protect. I had a similar oath to keep. To protect the one and only love I had ever known.
“I said burn them all!” I stood there, seeing the desperation grow, the hatred ranging in her eyes. “Burn them—”
My sword plunged into her stomach so I was able to see the life slip away from her eyes. The blood pouring around her. Her crown falling into the pool of blood. She still whispered those three words. I twisted the sword deeper into her, until I knew she was dead. Her last words were those three words. What an irony that I stabbed the Mad King in the back so I wasn’t able to see his face. But now, I saw Cersei’s cloudy eyes that were in shock.
I took my seat on the Iron Throne. Staring at my bloody sword. I knew what was to come. I had nothing left. What good is it to live anymore?
The blade felt slippery against my throat. I would really end the Lannister’s reign once and for all. But I saw someone approaching me. Must be the Mountain to come finish me off. It was a young girl, also covered in blood, holding a sword. Arya Stark. Another irony that Ned Stark’s daughter found me slaughtering the Queen. She would do me a huge favor. “Go on, finish me off. Avenge your family’s name.”
“You aren’t on my list.” She responded. From her appearance, I knew she took care of the Mountain.
“Turn around, then.” I ordered. But she stood there. “Alright then.”
When I was about to slice my throat, I heard someone shout, “Jaime, no!” I recognized the person. My brother. With him were dozens of soldiers. “Jaime, don’t do it.”
The one brother I loved once. The one who murdered our father. He did have his reasons. My hand trembled, the blade of the sword jiggling against my throat. “You’re the last Lannister standing.” I said. My voice trembling.
“It doesn’t have to end this way. Put that sword down.”
I looked down at Cersei, at the blood, her crown. Then I looked to Tyrion, his eyes pleading with me to reconsider my choice. There could be a chance for me. Something new. Something good. But at that time, I felt no hope.
My brother’s pleading eyes changed my opinion.
I dropped the sword, landing with a loud clank.
With shaky legs, I got up from the Iron Throne, finally surrendering.
Sleep doesn’t seem to find up. I get up, looking straight at the darkness. It was in that same darkness, in a tiny cell, that I had to face my crimes, to really think about all of the things I’ve done. I completely lost it at one point, screaming, kicking, demanding to be put out of my misery. Had I been at a window, I would have jumped to my death, just like Tommen.
The cell door finally opened, my vision tunneled. The first thing I saw was a pure blue. Sparkling blue. The blue that nearly blinded me. No words were exchanged between us. My mouth hanging open. No words came out.
She placed her hand on my cheek as she started at me with something I never thought I would see. Compassion. Mercy. Love.
“Why did you come?”
“Why shouldn’t I have come? Because I wanted to.” I snorted at her response. “Look at me.” She grabbed my face with both of her hands, her eyes set hard. “I refuse to let you rot in a jail cell.”
“It’s what I deserve.”
“It is not!” She barked. “Honor has compelled me to fight for you. For us.”
There was no need for a trial. Lady Sansa was there as was Ayra, both against the notion of my death. No one, not even the Dragon Queen, dared cross Lady Sansa. Tyrion quietly advised her not to take out her vengeance against me. “What do you have to say for yourself, Kingslayer?”
The words no longer meant nothing to me. I looked towards Brienne who nodded her head. “I want nothing. I deserve nothing. All I really need…is her.” Everyone knew what I meant.
Being exiled to the Sapphire Isles was more like a reward than punishment. As we sailed away, as soon as we knew that we were well away from King’s Landing, we shared our first kiss. After holding these emotions in, after everything that has occurred, once we arrived in Tarth, I did something I never imagined I would do. I wept. By both the beauty and of being stripped away of the shame and guilt. Being able to start again. Given a second chance.
I know you have always seen me as a hero, someone you can do no wrong in your eyes. Even after everything you heard, you still hold nothing but love for me.
Your room slowly begins to brighten by the rising sun. Your smiling eyes open up as you whisper, “Good morning, father.” You fall into my arms as I wrap my own arms around you. Warm and soft. I inhale as you exhale, a slow rhythm.
Words are meaningless at this point. It is only our arms around each other that speaks volumes. I pull away from you, looking into your crystal blue eyes. “Father, I love you. No matter what.”
“And I love you, my Lioness.” The thought comes to me clearly. I whisper these words that I cannot hear.
“Jaime, that’s not true.” Your mother wraps her arms around me. “You deserve her. And me.”
This all feels like a dream. Having arms around me. In the arms of the women I love.