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EXCLUSIVE! SUPERMAN SPEAKS OUT ABOUT HAREM RECRUITMENT

Summary:

So.

Did you hear about Superman’s holding auditions for his super harem?

Notes:

This is set after Superman (2025).

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Three Stooges

Today 9:05 AM
Jimminy Cricket 🦗
So
Did you hear about Superman’s holding auditions for his super harem?
What?
Jimminy Cricket 🦗
It’s all over the Metro.
Hot Stuff ❤️
I haven’t seen anything.
What a sirprise. The most "offline" person we know hasn’t seen what’s plastured all over the Metro app.
Hot Stuff ❤️
I didn’t realize The Lois Lane had time for anything but chewing pens.
Jimminy Cricket 🦗
As much as I enjoy your weird flirting, can we focus here?
SUPERMAN HAS A HAREM.
Did he ever mention this to you, Kent?
Hot Stuff ❤️
No.
He never mentioned anything like that to me at all.
Jimminy Cricket 🦗

*

Cat 🐈‍⬛

Ummmmm

DID YOU SEE THE NEWS?

SUPERMAN HAS A HAREM?

Yeah. Kind of sounds like bulshit.
Really?

I could totally believe it.

Why?
I mean, he’s an alien from another planet.

He’s tall.

He’s got a great ass.

I can understand being an alien having something to do with it, but you lost me with the other too.
Have you ever seen an ass like his before?

It’s really firm.

You have a point.

*

Hot Stuff ❤️

I don’t have a harem.

I promise you this, Lois.

Are you sure?
Please. I’d be sure.

Jimmy and Cat found evidence that Superman does. Care to coment?
😫

How off the record is this?

So off the record its in outer space.
Unless that’s inapropriate of me to say.
I can’t believe this is coming up again.

I can.
Superman has a great ass. Who wouldn’t want to tap it?
Lois.

#SuperAss
Look it up.
Oh my gosh. 🤦🏻

I think I preferred #SuperShit.

I’m a little jealous.
The Metro—and the hole world—have gotten ass pics from you, but your girlfriend hasn’t.
You’re holding out on me, big boy.
Girlfriend?

🥰

Send me an ass pic.
That’s highly inappropriate, Lois.

I also have no idea how to do that.

*

Three Stooges

Yesterday 9:55 PM
Jimminy Cricket 🦗
You can totally sneeze with your eyes open.
I’ll prove it to you.
Will you be giving us a live demonstraytion?
Jimminy Cricket 🦗
No.
I don’t want to lose my eyes.
Just in case.
Girls love my eyes.
Many say it’s my best feature.
Yesterday 10:11 PM
Hot Stuff ❤️
Many say my ass is my best feature.
Today 9:05 AM
Jimminy Cricket 🦗
Okay, so I found something.
About the harem.
Not about whether you can sneeze with your eyes open. I’m still firmly in the camp that you can.
http://dailyplanetarchive.dp/supe8jsf
Hot Stuff ❤️
That doesn’t prove anything.
Jimminy Cricket 🦗
Doesn’t it?
During Superman’s early interviews, he mentioned how Krypton was open to all sorts of ways of life.
Clearly hinting at a harem..
Hot Stuff ❤️
That’s a reach.
Is it?
Hot Stuff ❤️
All he’s saying is that he’s come to Earth with an open mind.
That he’s being open.
Jimminy Cricket 🦗
To many wives.
Hot Stuff ❤️

*

Hot Stuff ❤️

There is a way out of this, you know.
I catapult myself into outer space.

You’re cute when your dramatick.
Today 2:05 PM
Superman speaks out.
An exclusive with The Daily Planet.
I can’t interview myself, Lois.

I’ll interview you.
Today 2:16 PM
I’ll take your silence as a yes?
Today 2:37 PM
Lois.

Today 2:45 PM
Yes.

My place.
Tonight.
Bring pancake mix.
I haven’t eaten since lunch.
Hot Stuff ❤️

*

THE DAILY PLANET

EXCLUSIVE! SUPERMAN SPEAKS OUT ABOUT HAREM RECRUITMENT

BY LOIS LANE

Superman denies he is currently hosting open membership for men and women over the age of 21 to join his alleged harem.

Claims about open membership have risen over the last week, specifically on Metropolis’ popular social media app, The Metro, by users claiming to be members of Superman’s harem.

"I want to make it very clear that I do not have a harem," Superman said exclusively to The Daily Planet.

"I have never had a harem, and I will never have a harem."

"I urge anyone who applies for harem membership to be aware of what information they’re handing over and what they are applying for. I am not holding recruitment and I never will."

The harem was first mentioned when restored footage featuring Superman’s Kryptonian parents claimed they sent him to Earth to rule over the human population and impregnate as many women as possible aired across Metropolis’ screens six months ago.

"I’m sorry to say, but I have no desire to have a harem. I apologize to those who are disappointed by this news," Superman said.

When asked about his fallen planet, Krypton, Superman expressed sadness and grief over his lost home, but reaffirmed that he does not want to bring Krypton’s marriage customs to Earth.

"I want to give back to the people who welcomed me with open arms," he said. "There are aspects of Krypton I want to bring to Earth. A harem is not one of them."

When asked what Kryptonian customs he would like to introduce to Metropolis, he said, "Hope."

To clarify: Superman does not want anyone to hope that he will change his mind and open membership for his harem.

*

Cat 🐈‍⬛

He does not stare at me, Cat.
How is it that you are one of the best reporters The DP has, yet you’re so blind?

I don’t pay attention to the things that don’t matter.
Yesterday 11:03 PM
But C.K. is so giving you the eyes, Lois.

If you’re going to reject him, let him down easy, okay?

Sure.
Today 3:26 PM
What a bummer.

That 🍑 deserves a cult following, Lo.

The world morns, Cat.

*

Hot Stuff 👅💦

Yesterday 1:26 PM
I really hope that article settles everything.

I enjoyed interviewing you, you know.
Me too. 🥰

We should do it again sometime, Miss Lane.

Be careful.
You’re going to make a girl blush.
Today 7:26 PM
Did you get my picture?

🍑
What’s a girl got to do to apply for harem membership?

*

Notes:

Lois Lane is secretly an emoji user, a mush and anti-spellcheck. The deliberate misspellings are a reference to Lois being the greatest reporter in the world but not the best speller.

Newspaper skin and iOS skin.


You can find me at Tumblr.