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You sat quietly, alone. To those who didn't know it was an alarming sight. Your usually exuberant personality always shone so brightly, it was hard to ignore. You were always talking a mile a minute, or engaging in a passionate conversation, or simply laughing along to what someone else said. To see you so quiet would make any of them worry that you weren't well.
But to those who did know you, knew the truth. You were always the quiet kid, always stuck to the sidelines, never wanted to be seen or garner any attention onto yourself. It always made you feel awkward whenever it did, made you uncomfortable to be put on the spot. You would much rather just observe and keep your thoughts to yourself.
After all, you were mocked for saying your thoughts aloud many times before.
Perhaps it was because you were the quiet kid. Weird. Off-putting. That whenever you did garner the courage as a child to speak what you thought was a fun, or interesting, it was shut down completely. The kids at school would give you weird looks before moving on. Your family would simply roll their eyes and tell you to actually think before you spoke. So, maybe that's why you changed course. Maybe if you were louder you would fit in more. People would be more willing to accept you.
But being louder made it hard for you to think. For you to play the part you were so good at; the observer. It's hard to know what's going on around you when you're putting on airs after all. Hard to gauge a situation. Hard to understand where your social standing stood.
It made your head spin, made you dizzy. It was why you decided to take a breath away from it all. Just to sit and be you; authentically you.
Your eyes scanned around you, looking at everything and yet nothing at all, as your ears picked up mumbling snippets of many a conversation. You weren't doing it to for a real purpose. Not to gather information, or intel, you were simply doing it because it gave you comfort. It felt like home. To be surrounded by everyone living their lives around you, willfully ignoring you as they did so.
'Ugh, it sounds awful when you put it like that.' Your mind scolded you, and truly, if you were in a better mindset, you would agree. There were people in your life now that just enjoyed that you existed, no expectations. But your mind just couldn't wrap your head around that simple, and true, fact. It was far easier to think otherwise, after all, you had done it for so long.
Your eyes didn't mean to land on Kaji, you figured they would glance over him like everyone else. At first they did, but soon enough, they would land themselves right back to him. Over and over again, your focal point always ended up being him, no matter how hard you tried. You furrowed your brows in frustration; no longer were you just spacing out into nothingness. No, now you just had to be present in the moment with your thoughts, what a joy.
But you suppose there were worse people to absentmindedly stare at. At least with him, you wouldn't have to deal with a possible confrontation. Besides, you always admired him. You couldn't not be honest about that. Admired how confident he was; how he never felt the need to fill a space with his voice. That he was comfortable just sitting the silence - like he was now.
You wished you could be that way. But as your friendships grew in numbers, as you were welcomed into the gang, you always felt the need to do something; to say something. That you had to prove that your existence was worthy to be among them. Worried that if your louder facade was to falter, was to go even slightly back to your drab older self, that they would all change their minds and leave you.
You couldn't be left alone again. Not after finally having a taste of what it was like to be a part of something. It would destroy you.
And yet you knew Kaji never had to worry about that. Everyone already loved him as he was. Headphones and all. Even his quick temper or yelling was met with slight annoyance at best. Oh, how you wished that was the case for you. Your younger self hearing those soft chuckles and understandings whenever your feelings got too much.
"You know better than this!"
"Why are you always causing a scene!"
"We're trying to keep the peace! Why are you wreaking it!"
"Jesus, I don't have time for this! Stop pestering me!"
You shook your head to rid yourself of words long since passed, knowing that if they continued, you would slip further into yourself and that wouldn't be fun for anyone. For the last thing you needed was to cry in the middle of this courtyard, and for people to surround you with their concerns and pitying eyes.
And yet, you still felt your eyes begin to well with tears; a clear indication that you were losing. Abruptly, you stood, your legs moving on their own as they carried you in hurried motions out of there. You prayed that you were graceful enough not to have anyone notice, but you knew that probably wasn't the case. You just hoped whoever saw you didn't feel the need to follow you.
~
It was a beautiful day, you had to give that some merit. The breeze was nice and cool as it washed over your flushed, and blotchy, cheeks. And with how sunny the day was, no one would want to be located behind a silly building in the shade - leaving it all open for you to take. A small silver lining to a not-so-great situation.
"Stupid… stupid…!" You muttered, blinking up at the sky to try and stop the ever-flowing tears that kept flowing as you slid down the wall behind. Angry at yourself for ruining a pretty decent day with your descent of thoughts.
It wasn't Kaji's fault after all. In fact, you were so happy he was able to surround himself with people who understood him fully. You just… wished you could too.
"Why would you….? why are you so….?" You let out a frustrated groan as you buried your face in your hands; grinding your palms into your eyes in an attempt to ground yourself "Why are you always doing this!?"
"Doing what?"
A familiar deep timber broke you out of your trance, causing you to jump out of your skin with a yelp and fall out of the precarious crouch you had been in. You hadn't expected anyone to follow you, and you certainly were hoping for anyone but the figure you were now blinking up at.
"Kaji…. you scared me…" You breathed, eyes darting away to focus on the ground next to you, knowing you looked an absolute mess.
"Sorry." Was his simple response, one you grew accustomed to, as he outstretched his arm and hand to you; growing slightly agitated when you just stared at it, "Come on, get up! You'll get your dress dirty…"
If you were in a better state of mind, you would find it interesting that he would slip that final comment under his breath; instead, you simply just sigh and looked away again, "Who cares about some dress?"
"I care."
Your brows furrowed as you regarded him again. He no longer looked at you fully, his eyes had darted away as his cheeks flushed a light shade of pink while he nervously used his free hand to scratch the hair at the base of his neck.
"Hurry up," Kaji muttered, clearly not a fan of your scrutinizing gaze.
You did as he asked, quickly taking his hand and allowing him to pull you up, not wanting to invoke the famous fury he had been known to dish out; even if it was just him yelling. You gave him a nod in thanks before turning your attention to your skirt, wiping off the dirt and gravel that had gotten on it after your little stumble.
"You're upset. Why?." Again, you admired his straightforwardness; you just really hoped not to have his attention on you at the moment.
"It's nothing." Your reply was too curt, to immediate for him to buy and believe; you knew it too when you felt his stare grow irksome. "Really, it's nothing important."
"Not true. You're crying"
"Was crying." You corrected, "Everyone knows I'm a crybaby. I can, and will, cry at pretty much anything, big or small. In this case small." You tried to be light, casual, to get him to quit it, but the way your hands clenched your skirt told him all he needed
"So tell me." He asked, his headphones moving from their usual spot on his ears to around his neck
"What?"
You could tell by the way his brow twitched that he wasn't going to repeat himself. You could also tell when his hands moved to nestle into his hoodie's pocket that he was willing to wait all day for your response; your honest response.
You sighed, eyes looking back at the bright blue sky ahead of you as you tried to figure out how best to formulate your racing thoughts; your jumbled feelings of mediocrity and melancholy, without delving too far into your past and scaring him off.
"I feel like an annoyance." You finally settled, head nodding slightly in agreement with your own words.
His deafening silence racked through your body, making your heart beat in your ears as you tried to calm yourself once again. Reminding yourself that if he was asking, he was not going to mock you. When you finally found the courage to look back at him, you could see confusion etched on every part of his features - like a toddler when a toy breaks.
"It's just, whenever I am around people I can't help but ramble! I go on and on about all sorts of useless stuff, that just don't matter. Oftentimes, interrupting people while I'm at it! And I guess, I don't know, I'm sure its exhausting to constantly listen to me yammer on and on. Or hear my annoying laugh, or, or, to constantly just have me hanging around. To never really have a reprieve from me. I'm sure its overwhelming and not welcome half the time, and on days like today I feel like all of you only put up with it cause you pity me or some shit…!"
You let out another sigh, one that came out in a wave, as your body practically crumbled upon itself; no longer tense from holding your inner thoughts in anymore. You waited a moment for him to respond. When he didn't, you did what you did best, and filled the silence for him.
"I know it's silly, but…. but sometimes your mind just plays dumb tricks on you I guess."
"It's not dumb." Kaji finally managed to utter, shoulders going stiff as his gaze turned serious "Don't ever say something so stupid again alright? You're allowed to feel whatever you want."
He avoided your wide-eyed gaze, knowing that you never heard him say so many words to you, but he didn't care at that moment. And well, he decided (at least in your mind) that since he was on a roll, he would continue as he shifted on his feet, “Besides….I like when you talk” He pulled his headphones back in place “I just…dunno, like how your voice sounds”
And for the first time, in a long time, you were left speechless. Standing there, as you face flushed for a different, more bashful reason. Watching as he fiddled with his phone as if what he said didn’t mean anything; like it was the most obvious and common fact - like saying the sky being blue.
But it meant everything to you.