Work Text:
“can i come with you?”
humin’s request surprises sieun, he didn’t expect it— especially not after today.
they got out of the church where was held baekjin’s funeral a few minutes ago. hyuntak and juntae went home, and sieun was planning to directly go to see suho.
the mood was weird around them, not really knowing how to react. baekjin was still hyuntak and humin’s childhood friend— despite everything.
humin looks like shit, sieun notices : his eyes are red and puffy from the amount of crying he did, his nose is still runny so he keeps sniffling, and his face is slightly damp. most importantly, his eyes are shining with tears, but at the same time they hold a sadness that he’s only seen in his own when he dared to look at himself in the mirror.
“sure,” he replies “i’ll let suho know.” he takes his phone out of his pocket.
“thanks,” he says curtly “sorry for imposing.”
“if you were truly sorry,” eyes still on his phone, replying to suho’s text. he then turns his phone off and looks at humin. “you wouldn’t have asked me.”
that gets a raw and short laugh out of humin, that doesn’t quite reach sieun’s ears. “true.”
suho has woken up a month ago, he’s doing good, a miracle as the doctors tell him. he’s not quite the same suho— but sieun doesn’t mind at all— he loves him all the same.
suho waking up has not made his troubles disappear : they still have a lot to talk about, he still takes sleeping pills, he still has nightmares at least twice a week and still has to be reminded to eat at times.
but, it has been better— he takes less pills, and on the days when he doesn’t have nightmares, his sleep makes him feel rested. he has gained some weight, along with some muscle. he got slightly better at basketball and since he got the permission to use his phone again, suho spams sieun’s phone with texts to make sure he has eaten until he sends him a picture of his dinner. since after the fight against the union, sieun doesn’t feel like breathing and existing is a chore anymore, and with suho back too, the tension in his shoulders has consequently decreased.
today’s news have been unexpected. hyuntak had called him while he was going over a math problem with juntae. he called sieun in tears, telling them that baekjin is dead and that him and humin are waiting for him at the church 25 minutes away from their school.
unlike hyuntak and humin, sieun hadn’t known baekjin personally : the only times they talked is when suho was still in a coma after seongje came to the hospital, and when they fought.
even so, sieun felt conflicted : he didn’t hate the man, in fact— they had a weird understanding going on between them. and seeing his friends in such pain had been enough for sieun to be brought to tears.
the bus has come while both of them were lost in thought, they get in and sit side by side, in silence.
the ride to the hospital is 20 minutes long.
around 10 minutes in, while the bus is stopped at a red light and the sun is shining brightly outside, sieun hears erratic breathing and repetitive sniffling. he turns his head to see humin trying to contain his sobs— with little success.
it’s weird, sieun remarks. it’s like seeing himself from the outside. he remembers sometime last year he was in the same position, trying to not breakdown in the middle of the bus on the way back home.
it pains sieun to see his friend in pain, especially since he knows what he’s going through— he’s been there.
he wordlessly puts his hand on top of humin’s knee, and if he breathes a little louder— just enough for humin to hear and try to match his breathing— that’s no one’s business but his.
a few moments have passed, and humin’s breathing is normal again. he speaks, voice rough like it has been unused for days.
“it’s weird isn’t it ?” he says while looking at sieun’s hand, still on his knee. “crying for someone that i should hate.”
“it’s not weird” sieun says, looking at the back of the seat in front of him, a man is sitting, earbuds in his ears, while texting someone. “he’s your childhood friend.”
“i wish he wasn’t.” humin replies, as if he was admitting defeat.
sieun doesn’t add anything else, they stay silent.
“you know, he was the one who ruined gotak’s knee.” he pauses. “he’s the one who made all those schools target the eunjang students. he has hurt you, hurt so many people. but i couldn’t bring myself to delete his number from my phone.” his hands are limp, resting in between his slightly parted legs, he’s still watching sieun’s hand. “i shouldn’t even be in this state, i should be saying ‘deserved, you fucking bastard. rot in hell.’ not fucking cry over him.” he pauses, and he’s staring back and forth at sieun’s hand and his own hand, hesitating if he should hold it or not. his hand doesn’t move as tilts his head up so that he’s looking towards the roof of the bus, he closes his eyes.
“the worst thing, sieun-ah,” he says, smiling, but it doesn’t reach sieun’s eyes. “is that i can’t even pretend that i didn’t know why he did all that. i knew, he knew that i knew. when we were fighting against each other, i smiled at him, and he smiled back— despite everything.” he breathes heavily.
“that fucking son of a bitch, he loved me.” he says, voice wavering at the end of that sentence.
sieun eyes widen slightly, surprised.
“and-” humin clears his throat “i can’t even blame him, a part of me does too.”
sieun’s grip on humin’s knee tighten involuntarily “that’s what hurts the most. despite everything that he’s done, i fucking loved him. i don’t think i can ever forgive myself for that.”
sieun’s throat tighten, and he has to level his breathe to stop his eyes from watering.
no one talks for a moment
“the one who put suho in a coma was our friend.” this is the first time sieun talks about beomseok. he hasn’t talked about him to anyone, not even to suho.
humin turns slowly to sieun, their eyes meet for a second— if humin is surprised about the sudden admission, then he doesn't let it show.
“his name was beomseok” saying his name is like chewing on glass shards, but he continues. “he was one of my first friends, and i loved him too.” he pauses to breathe.
“not in the same way you did with baekjin, but-”
“certainly not in the same way you and suho do.” humin says, as he finally puts his hand on top on sieun’s— sieun looks up at him to see humin looking at him knowingly.
one thing about humin is that he’s emotionally aware– he might be a lot of things, but dense is not one of them. there’s a reason he’s told all that to sieun, and that’s because he know he could relate. sieun isn’t surprised by what he said, he knows it himself and he won’t deny it.
“yeah.” he replies
they stay silent for a moment.
“the day i learned about suho’s coma, i went to beat up every guy who has hurt him— that’s what got me kicked out from byuksan.” he sighs “i beat up every single one of them except beomseok. i couldn’t bring myself to, it haunts me. he’s ruined our friendship, and suho’s life. yet i can’t fully hate him, he meant too much.”
sieun breathes for an instant. he doesn’t tell humin that he’s hated himself too. it’s probably obvious, and again there’s a reason why he’s telling him all this.
“that doesn’t mean i forgive him though, i never will.”
sieun slightly tightens his grip on humin’s knee.
“but, you don't have to hate yourself for caring about him, he was your friend for a long time, and you cared about him. not hating him doesn't mean you excuse everything he has done. and hyuntak is still here, even after you joined the union— even after everything, despite everything.”
and the conversation stops there.
it’s weird sieun remarks, once again, as the bus slows down to reach their stop, they just had the most personal talk so far, and it happened in the middle of a crowded bus— yet he doesn’t care.
weirdly enough, even if it’s not him that needs the comfort, it soothed him nonetheless.
he hopes it’s the case for humin too.
they get off the bus, and as they walk towards the hospital, they decide to stop at a restaurant on the way for takeout— sieun doesn’t mind waiting until he gets home to eat, but he heard humin’s stomach growl, and suho won’t ever say no to some food, especially since it’s from outside.
they’re now waiting for their order, the restaurant isn’t full, but not empty either. and it smells like grease, meat and soy sauce at the same time.
they don't talk while they’re waiting for their order, they don’t need to. the mood between them isn’t as charged and heavy anymore. even though humin’s eyes are still red, they're less puffy, and his shoulders are less tense.
as he observes his friend, sieun lets out a silent sigh of relief. he knows humin won’t be fine for at least a few weeks, hell— even months.
but all sieun can do for now is be there for him and pray that his friend doesn’t have it as bad as he did, as he still does.
after getting their takeout, they exit the restaurant.
humin hands him a bag to carry— and knowing him, he probably gave him the lightest of the three.
they walk in comfortable silence until they start to approach the hospital.
seemingly out of nowhere, humin speaks. “i think we should start to be less harsh on ourselves.” he says as they’re approaching the main entrance of the hospital, and he says it like he’s telling a joke, that only sieun would get.
sieun looks at him with wide eyes for a moment, then laughs softly– it’s the first time he does in front of humin, and this time the latter doesn’t bother to hide his shock.
sieun doesn’t respond back, doesn’t feel the need to.
they walk slowly towards suho’s room in comfortable silence, as they approach the room, sieun simply says “it’ll be okay.”
that makes humin stop in the middle of the hallway for a few seconds, sieun doesn’t stop walking.
he doesn’t reply back, all he does is catch up to sieun, ruffle his head and flees before sieun can have the time to remove his hand from his hair.
humin turns around and says “i’m telling suho that you’re actually a huge softie. i still can’t believe you’re capable of laughing— gotak and juntae will be sooo jealous.”
he’s trying to alleviate the mood, but it hardly works, his voice is still too hoarse, too fragile, and he’s sniffing every now and then. but sieun humors him, for once. he sighs “do you really think suho doesn’t know that already? and i am not a robot.”
humin smirks “sure, ice princess.”
they arrive in front of the door of suho’s room, and there’s music faintly coming from it.
they stay still for a moment, and humin turns to look at sieun.
he’s not exactly smiling, his mouth is still straight as ever. yet, his eyes betray him—every single emotion he feels are expressed by his eyes—he doesn’t think he’s ever seen his friend like that.
sieun knocks twice, the humming stops, then he opens the door.
even if he will not be okay for a long time, humin knows he’s not alone.
he gets inside, and he looks, properly looks, at suho for the first time ever. his face is sickly thin, his hair long and greasy and he doesn’t look at him. he can see his tired eyes soften as he looks at sieun next to him.
he would’ve said something, usually, but he’s not feeling it today.
after an instant suho finally looks at him and as they maintain eye contact—it hits him.
he boy in front of him—just a little more than a month ago—was still on life support, with no guarantee of his survival.
suho speaks, eyebrows lifted— humin can’t really decipher his expression. “so you’re baku, huh?”
humin raises his eyebrows at him back, a small smile tugging at his lips, “and you’re the famous ahn suho?”
suho scoffs softly at that, “the one and only” he replies. he gestures to them to come in.
they organize the takeout they’ve brought with them on the small table and start eating. humin talks less than usual, and for once, it’s sieun who’s doing all the talking. it's nice, he'd rather be anywhere but on his own right now.
as he watches suho lift his chopsticks to his mouth—all weak and trembling—he suddenly remembers one of the quotes he has wrote on multiple sticky notes that are plastered on his bedroom’s wall
life’s tough, but it’s okay, i’m tough too.
suddenly, his throat tighten, and he can feel his eyes water fast. he looks away, trying to breathe deeply without making it obvious. that specific quote has gotten him through various situations, he didn't realize he had forgotten it. he glances at suho, who's making a face at sieun with his cheeks puffed. then to sieun, who's doing his best to conceal his amusement by rolling his eyes at him. surprisingly, a soft amused huff escapes his mouth. both the boys turn at him, and he joins their conversation.
he’s going to be tough, too.
no matter how hard it gets, he’ll stay tough.