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T'Pol did not require the update, but she listened as Lorian told her how they picked up Enterprise on the long range sensors. They had been in the Expanse for a few months now, just based on the date and records, but it was the first time they had actually seen them, even many light years away, still.
"Are you prepared?" she asked.
"I'm as prepared as I can be for the upgrades to their ship," he replied. "I'm not prepared to look Captain Archer in the eye and explain to him how I failed to stop the probe."
"Even he would have hesitated to sacrifice his entire crew."
"I don't know if that's true, Mother.
She thought back to where Jonathan's mind was at that time. He had been so angry. He would have done anything to stop the Xindi. He often did unconscionable actions. She thought of Sim. Yes, Jonathan would have gone to great lengths to complete his mission, but he wouldn't have been reckless.
"He would have done it if he could have been one hundred percent certain it would have worked," T'Pol said. "Any variation in those odds, he would have paused, too."
Lorian didn't respond immediately. "The chances were only eighty-nine percent of success."
"Nothing would have been gained if we had died if it hadn't worked. It would have only given them more information ahead of time." She reached out for her son's hand. "You did the right thing."
He took it and sighed. "Be sure to tell him that."
It was not Jonathan she was anticipating seeing. She wavered back and forth on whether or not she wanted to see Trip. It was illogical to want this. It would make no difference on her life as it was, and could only cause pain. However, he had been her husband. She had been so resistant to him. She wasn't sure if the advice she wanted to dole out was to him or her younger self. It could be easier for them, as she had made it very difficult for herself.
One hundred and seventeen years earlier
Archer's anger had fueled them through the Expanse as much as the warp reactor had. T'Pol had done what she could to largely ignore it unless she felt it was endangering the crew or innocent bystanders. She had her own emotional trials without trying to regulate his.
It was becoming more difficult to manage now that it seemed to him that he could not do anything at all. His anger funneled into frustration and then cycled around to anger again. It was beginning to make the crew uneasy.
They had only been in the past for three weeks, and while most of that time had been spent determining that they could not go back through the corridor, and that there was no way back to their own time. Once that had been determined, the discussion became what to do now. The determination by the senior staff to become a generational ship had been set, but it had not yet been relayed to the crew. T'Pol suspected that with the current climate, it might not go over well.
"Permission to speak freely?" T'Pol asked, near the end of a conversation in the Captain's ready room.
Archer nodded. "Go ahead."
"I understand that our mission remains, but we need to approach our situation logically. The majority of the crew as it stands now won't live to see the mission through, including yourself. Viewing this as linearly as possible, the events that incited the mission have yet to occur. Our priority now is the survival of this ship so it can intervene with the Xindi probe, or barring that, to prevent us from entering this situation at all."
"We've discussed all of this at length. What's your point?"
T'Pol sighed. "Holding onto your anger is not going to serve the crew or yourself in this new reality."
Archer's shoulders tightened and shifted his weight back and forth from the front of his feet to his heels several times before he responded. "What do you expect me to do? Purge my emotions?"
"It requires great discipline to endure the rituals of kolinahr," she said, though she knew he was being sarcastic. "You might first try meditation, or perhaps engage in sexual relations."
The first time she had suggested the crew relieve their stress through sexual relations, she had been met with the human uncomfortableness with their own sexuality. This time, Archer seemed annoyed by it.
"With who? Even if we relax the rules, I'm still the captain."
T'Pol raised an eyebrow. "It doesn't take an engineer to know that we won't be able to sustain the ship for a hundred and seventeen years with the supplies we have now. We'll have to find allies amongst the planets in the Expanse. Those planets will have women on them."
"I'll take that under advisement," he replied dryly. "But first I have to figure out how to tell the crew that we want them to couple up and have kids as quickly as possible without making it seem like they're broodmares."
The subject change was welcome. "There are significantly less women to men on board, and while we would require as much... participation as possible to continue ship operations for two-to-three generations, it would be unethical to order them to bear children. I would emphasize that this is an encouragement and not a requirement. We should also bear in mind that we are currently not in a time constraint and these things may occur naturally. There are several couples on the ship already. I'm sure they weren't intending to have children in the Expanse, but now that the situation has changed, they may feel differently."
"We could find some way to... incentivize..." Archer threw his hands up instead of finishing the sentence. "We could reconfigure quarters to accommodate couples and families. Offer privacy that doesn't exist for the majority of the crew. It'd be a lot of work, but..."
"Enterprise is now our home, more than it ever has been," T'Pol said. "We're already rebuilding. It is logical to rebuild it with that in mind, as opposed to Starfleet efficiency."
Archer nodded and leaned back against his desk. "Maybe we can get Phlox to research how to impregnate men."
"He could start with Commander Tucker as a test subject, since he has experience."
At that, Archer laughed. It was the first time she recalled hearing him laugh in months. "I'm sure he'd love that."
"Would you like me to help you draft a speech?" T'Pol asked, as to move the conversation away from Trip as quickly as possible. She shouldn't have even introduced him as a topic.
"No, I can take care of it. I'll run it past you, Trip, and Malcolm once I'm finished. We can discuss solidly what those relaxed fraternization policies will look like. We need to be very clear."
She nodded. "I'll leave you to it." She turned to leave, but then the Captain said her name. She stopped and turned back to him. "Yes?"
Archer appeared uncomfortable, not quite meeting her eye. "If... if you have some time in the coming weeks, maybe you could give me some meditation tips."
T'Pol raised an eyebrow, but didn't offer commentary. "Of course."
"Thank you."
The majority of the crew gathered in cargo bay one, with the Captain's speech being broadcast throughout the comm system for the rest of the crew. T'Pol stood on the catwalk above the cargo bay next to Archer, with Trip on his other side, as a sort of confirmation that the senior staff agreed with his statement. She wasn't paying attention to his words, since she had read over multiple drafts of the speech. The mission was going to continue, but it was going to look different. Yes, dating was no longer a nebulous gray area, and was being actively encouraged as they transitioned into a generational ship. Romantic relationships between ranks were now no longer questioned unless that person was a direct subordinate.
No, T'Pol's attention was on the way Corporal Cole was looking directly at Trip while the Captain spoke. She had no idea if Trip was looking back at her, as she would have been obvious to everyone. She tried to look elsewhere, but she kept coming back to Cole.
It was too late, she reasoned. She had spent so much energy pushing Trip away, and they wouldn't be able to have children anyway. He should go to someone who could provide him with emotional support and children, even if it was not Corporal Cole. She should want what's best for him.
Was that the human definition of love? She wasn't sure.
When Archer finished his speech, the entire cargo bay erupted into everyone talking over each other, with an element of echo in the large space. T'Pol excused herself, as the sound was too much for her sensitive hearing.
She was nearly to her quarters when she heard the sound of footsteps behind her. She turned and saw Trip behind her. "Yes?"
"It's a madhouse back there," he said with a smile. "I got stopped by about six women on my way out."
"It sounds like you have many options," she replied.
His smile faltered. "I guess so. I thought... I know the last time we talked, you said you weren't interested in pursuing a relationship, and I respect that, but the circumstances changed. Maybe your thoughts did too."
T'Pol stared at him. "I... don't know what you mean."
"You were in there, right? You heard the whole speech. Hell, you wrote part of it. I don't know about you, but I'm not looking to marry some woman from security I've talked to twice. Romantic relationship or not, you can't deny that we've got something here."
"I'm sure there are options that exist between a woman you've spoken to twice and me. I saw Corporal Cole eyeing you during the Captain's speech. You two have a history."
"We're friends."
"I am to understand that friendship is a strong foundation for human relationships."
Trip narrowed his eyes and sighed. "I'm not interested in Amanda, not like that."
"I thought the two of you had so much in common. She told me she thought you had nice arms."
"Is that so?" Trip's smile returned, this time with a laugh. "T'Pol, I'm not interested in Amanda. Don't get me wrong, she's great, but I knew a bunch of girls just like her in high school. They're fun, and I have a great time, and I will get bored in a month. You have been interesting for three years. In fact, the more I get to know you, the more interesting you get."
T'Pol tried to keep her breathing steady, but she could not stop her heart from beating faster. "I don't know what to say to that."
"Say you'll give me a real chance."
"There's no point in doing so. The purpose of encouraging the coupling is to produce children. I can not have children with a human."
Trip shrugged. "I'm not worried about that."
"Why not?"
"I'm going to live the rest of my life on this ship. I'm going to die here. Maybe not for another fifty, sixty years, but it's going to happen. Sure, we want to make sure there's someone to run this ship in a hundred years, but I have to consider what my life is going to look like. The only person I'm interested in on this ship is you. If I'm going to live the rest of my life here, I want it to be with you."
"Trip, I... this is illogical and clearly proof that you can not have a physical relationship without bringing your emotions into it."
"Physical relationship," he repeated flatly. "T'Pol, we don't have a physical relationship. We spent half a night together and then you bailed. You've barely even looked at me for weeks."
"It was—"
"An exploration, I remember." Trip leaned in closer to her, placing his hand on the wall behind her. His face was inches away from hers. "You think you explored human sexuality in one night? We barely scratched the surface of human sexuality."
"Half a night," she said quietly. She couldn't stop looking at his mouth.
He smiled, but it wasn't his typical, wide grin. It was sensual. Possibly even seductive. "If you wanted to really explore human sexuality, I could prove to you that I can have a physical relationship without bringing emotions into it."
T'Pol swallowed. She was tempted to agree, to kiss him and pull him into her quarters, but she could not, in good conscience, agree without informing him of the facts. "Trip, only a third of the crew is female. Those six women will not be available after you waste your time on a dead end."
"I don't think you're a dead end, and I don't want a back-up plan. It's my time to waste."
She had to remember to breathe. "That is a valid counterstatement." She reached up and placed her hand on his chest. She could feel his heart pounding nearly as fast as hers. "I am a scientist after all."
"Is this exploration or experimentation?" Trip asked.
"Both, possibly."
"I can work with that."
Her fingers curled around his uniform, slipping inside between the jumpsuit and his shirt. "My quarters are right here."
He grinned. "Yeah, I know."
Over the following months, T'Pol wasn't sure what part annoyed her more: how much she was enjoying having sex with Trip or how much she enjoyed waking up next to him.
She was already awake when his alarm began to sound. It had been her intention to get up when she had awoken, but at some point in his sleep, Trip had draped his arm over her waist. He was a heavy sleeper, moving his arm wouldn't have bothered him, but she found she liked the weight of it while she listened to the sound of his breathing.
Trip moved his arm to turn off the alarm, then put it right back as snuggled closer to her. He kissed the back of her neck and mumbled, "Morning."
"Good morning," she replied. "You need to get up. Your shift begins before mine."
"Who makes those schedules anyway?" he asked with a snicker.
"Your engine report is needed before the first shift on the Bridge. Your shift beginning earlier is logical."
"I know, I know." Trip gave her a squeeze. "It's just getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning."
"You could try sleeping in your own bed," T'Pol replied as an attempt at humor, but from the way he pulled away from her, it was perhaps too early for that.
"Is that what you want?"
"No. The current arrangement is acceptable."
He leaned back in, burying his face in her neck. His skin was warm against hers. "If you insist."
"Except that you need to wake up now."
Trip groaned, but released her and stretched his arms up over his head. "If you insist."
While the rest of the crew was openly compiling relationships, T'Pol and Trip kept their arrangement in the privacy of their quarters. During the day, they were nothing more than colleagues. The only way anyone would have been aware of their relationship would be if they were particularly observant. Or if Trip told them.
She did not intend to eavesdrop, several days later, but caught in the corridor between the Bridge and the Captain's ready room, she overheard Trip and Archer talking about her. She stopped. She could ring the chime, or she could listen. She chose to listen.
"I didn't realize it was so serious," Archer said.
"It's not. It's not... supposed to be." Trip huffed a short sigh. "She says she doesn't want a relationship. I'm trying to respect that, and I don't want anyone else. I'm in love with her."
T'Pol inhaled as quietly as possible. There was no way they could hear her breathing on the other side of the door, but she certainly didn't want to be caught. She had suspected this from his actions. How he would rub his thumb over the back of her hand when she spoke, or kiss the back of her neck in the morning, or even more simply, he would always notice when her glass was empty and refill it.
He had never said the words to her. He had successfully been respecting her wishes.
"Have you told her that?" Archer asked.
"No, but I think she knows. I'm not so good at hiding my emotions. And we spend a lot of time together."
"Are you still doing the neuropressure?" Archer paused, and Trip must have given him some kind of look, because he added, "Oh. You think that's a good idea?"
"Probably not, but I figure there's one of two outcomes to this. Either she's going to come around, or I'm going to get hurt. From where I'm standing right now, I'm willing to take the risk. It just, uh, seems like she's not."
"Well, she must be interested."
"It sure seems like it. I think it scares her, that's all."
Archer chuckled. "I thought Vulcans didn't experience fear."
"I think they feel a whole lot more than we give them credit for." There was another pause and then Trip asked, "You know how their marriages work?"
"No idea."
"They're all arranged when they're kids. I don't know how it's determined, but there's no dating. No one falls in love. Well, maybe, but not until after you're already married. You don't even get the chance to get to know if you like each other."
"That's all really interesting, but what's your point?" Archer asked.
"You think it's nerve-wracking for one of us to put ourselves out there? Imagine if you grew up where no one ever did that. Everyone you know was married to the person they were told to and they didn't have to make any of those choices or take those risks. And not just that no one ever did it, but it's discouraged. You're supposed to just do what you're told. No matter how much fear you can suppress, and how far away you are from your planet, doing something else has to be scary."
T'Pol let her head drop back against the wall. She appreciated that Trip hadn't pressured her for more than she was willing to give, but she had underestimated his emotional understanding of her situation.
Logically, this information should have been permission to not have to change the situation. He was willing to remain, at least for some time, with the arrangement they were currently in. However, the response she felt was not logical. It made her want to give him more. She suddenly also wanted to take the risks he was so willing to, right alongside him.
She listened again, and the subject had turned from her to the Captain's love life. She waited thirty seconds and then pressed the chime.
"Come in," Archer said.
T'Pol entered the room and held out a PADD to Archer. "Captain, Commander. I ran the surveys of the neighboring system as you asked. There are several M-Class planets and many of them are inhabited. There is one that appears to be warp-capable, but not particularly interested in space travel."
"Well, who would be in the Expanse?" Trip asked. He was not dressed in his uniform, but his civilian clothes. She knew he was off-duty today, but she was surprised to see him dressed this way.
"Sounds like a good place to make first contact," Archer said, ignoring Trip. "Tell Travis to plot a course."
"Yes, sir," she replied and turned to the door. She hadn't taken a step when Trip was standing next to her.
"I'll walk you," he said.
"To the Bridge?" she asked, and she could hear Archer stifling a laugh behind them.
"Humor me," Trip replied. He glanced over his shoulder. "I'll see you later, Captain."
They walked together out of the Captain's ready room and into the corridor. Trip was reaching for the console to open the door to the Bridge, but T'Pol grasped his wrist to stop him. He looked up, surprised.
"I'm going to remain on the Bridge for several more hours, but you could join me in my quarters afterwards," she said. They spent most evenings together. It was hardly a surprising invitation.
He smiled. "I'd like that."
T'Pol tilted her face up and kissed him briefly. Even though there was no one around, she had never offered physical affection outside of either of their quarters.
"What was that for?" Trip asked, his eyes bright.
She wanted to thank him for his patience with her. She wanted to express that she knew he wanted a different sort of relationship with her, and even if she could fully grasp the scope of his feelings, she would never be able to return them in the same way, even if she wanted to.
There were still couples getting married, and she saw how wistfully he watched them. He could have had that if he had wanted it more than he wanted her. She didn't know how to approach gratitude for that.
"I'm not sure," she said. "It seemed like the thing to do."
He grinned. "Well, I liked it."
"All right." She reached for the console and opened the door.
As Enterprise entered its second year in the past, there were now three babies aboard, and several more women were pregnant. The plan to turn Enterprise into a generational ship was clearly working.
T'Pol tried to ignore it as much as she could, but it was difficult to eat in the mess hall during any reasonable hours without there being a child or someone patting their pregnant stomach. She did not resent them for it, but she could not separate the purely illogical sense of loss she felt when she saw them. She knew she could not have children here.
She supposed it could be worse. There could have been another Vulcan aboard and it would be assumed she would mate with him. It wasn't that she was opposed to other Vulcans, but after walking away from an engagement where it was assumed she would marry him, she did not want to be put into that situation again.
With Trip, she made all of those choices on her own. When she thought of it, she felt a sense of pride. Pride that she committed to someone on her own. Pride that he had prioritized her over everyone else. It was a self-indulgent emotion, but she could scarcely stop herself.
Perhaps, it was time to confirm what they both already knew.
Trip spent the evening in her quarters as he often did. They didn't always have sexual relations, as it was this evening, but they merely spent time together for the comfort of each other's company.
They sat together on the bed, each reading from a different PADD. She was pretty sure his was Engineering reports, though she knew he would occasionally opt for fiction. She rested her feet on his lap, and occasionally, he would mindlessly stimulate the neural nodes in the soles with this thumb.
T'Pol set her PADD aside. "Trip?"
He looked up. "Yeah?"
"I have observed that you spend a considerable amount of time in my quarters. More than in your own."
"Is that a problem?"
"No, merely an observation. But it has given me thought. If we are becoming accustomed to living together, it may be time to make that arrangement permanent."
Trip stared at her for a second, clearly trying to decode the admittedly complicated way she had phrased her statement. "Are you asking me to move in?"
"No. I'm asking you to marry me."
His confused stare turned into a blank one, as if processing the much simpler statement required more of his brainpower. After several seconds, he settled on whispering, "What?"
T'Pol was fully aware that he understood her, and this was often a human response to confusion. She repeated herself anyway. "I would like to know if you want to marry me."
"I—I don't know. I mean, I do, but I thought you didn't want to have a relationship and now you're asking me to get married?"
"This has been a relationship for quite some time, I believe, even if we did not label it as such. I know I was... hesitant." She paused and shook her head. "No, I was afraid. You understood what I needed better than I did. You offered me a safe place to explore this relationship without any added pressure. And I believe I fell in love with you."
"I've been in love with you for a long time," Trip said hoarsely. She could see a tear welling up in the corner of his eye. "I never could keep my emotions in check."
"I suppose I never really wanted that from you. My fears were never really about you. I was going through something. I'm still going through it, but I... I think I would rather go through it with you."
The tear spilled over onto Trip's cheek as he smiled. "I'd like that, too. T'Pol, I'd love to marry you."
"Good. Thank you."
His smile spread into a grin. He tossed his PADD aside and carefully removed her feet from his lap. He moved closer to her and kissed her softly. "I daydreamed about a hundred ways I was going to propose to you. It never once occurred to me that you'd be the one to do it."
"Would you prefer to ask me at another point in time?" she asked, unsure if she had stumbled over some sort of human cultural event.
Trip shook his head. "No. This was perfect. Way better than anything I imagined."
She had experienced many emotions over the last year, both positive and negative, but unrelenting. She was beginning to suspect that these emotions would never leave her. But if she could feel Trip's unrestrained love for her, it was going to be worth it.
One hundred and seventeen years later
T'Pol sat at her terminal looking over the other Enterprise's schematics. The ship was more damaged than she had remembered, and while all of those files were on record, it was different when the ships were docked together.
She didn't look up when the door chimed, only calling out, "Come in," and expecting whoever it was to announce themselves as they entered.
The door opened, and there was no announcement, but she didn't need to turn around to know who it was. It had been over ninety years since she had held Trip in her arms, but the scent of his skin was alive and well in her dreams.
"I told Jonathan not to send you," she said.
"He didn't send me," Trip replied, followed by the sound of the door closing. "I came on my own, but I can go if you want me to."
"No." The word was out of her mouth before she even considered it. She stood slowly and turned to face him. Her vision wasn't what it used to be, so it was difficult to make out the details of his face, even from the short distance, but the shape of his body was familiar. Every part of him was like he stepped right out of her memories. "Let me get a better look at you."
He moved in closer to her as she stepped toward him, meeting in the middle of the room. She brought her hands up to gently cup his face. He smiled with such warmth that her breath caught her in her throat. She had ninety years to prepare for this moment, and she didn't know what to do now that it was here.
"It's like looking into the eyes of a ghost," she said softly.
"I hope that's OK," Trip said. His smile faded slightly.
"No, no, it's wonderful." T'Pol pulled her hands from his face, and he took her left hand into his right hand almost immediately. "Sit with me, will you?"
His smile returned. "Yeah, of course."
They sat down together on the bed, Trip still holding onto her hand. His thumb moved absently over the back of her hand.
"I spent some time with Lorian," Trip said. "He's great. It's strange. He looks so much like my dad, and then he talks and he sounds like you."
T'Pol shook her head. "Oh no, he talks and he sounds like you. We fight constantly."
Trip chuckled. "Well, I imagine if anyone spent a hundred years living with their mother, they might fight from time to time."
"That's a reasonable determination." She squeezed his hand. "You never met my mother."
"Not yet."
For every hundred things T'Pol intimately remembered about Trip, somehow she had forgotten about his unrelenting optimism. There were days when it had annoyed her to no end. Perhaps with the distance of time, she now found it charming.
"But you didn't come here to talk about my mother," she said.
"I... I didn't want to come here just to talk about T'Pol, but I have to ask. From where I'm standing right now, I don't know how we ever could get married, have a kid." He sighed and shook his head. "Maybe I'm just kidding myself and the only way this ever works out is if we're thrown into the past and you don't have a better option."
T'Pol considered him for a moment, taking in the details of his forlorn expression as he gazed at the floor. She released his hand to touch his cheek again, gently turning his face to look at her. "I can't say what will happen for the two of you, but in my experience, we were in love. You must be patient with her."
"You know I'm not good at that."
"I know, but you'll have to try. These emotions are new to her. She has never been put into a position where she needs to make a choice based on her feelings. You don't know how frightening that is to navigate. She'll learn, and you can guide her there."
Trip nodded. "I'll do my best. She's just so... she's made it clear that she's not interested in a relationship."
"You're in love with her," T'Pol said, the words leaving her lips as she came to the realization. She knew he had loved her, but she hadn't realized he already had those feelings.
"I don't know about that," Trip said, looking away from her again for a second, his cheeks flushed. "I think it's worth it to try. Or maybe I'm just being a romantic."
"She likes romance more than she lets on. She's... going through a lot right now."
"I'll keep that in mind. Thanks."
"You should go back to your Enterprise. They need you there." She thought about letting go of his hand, but she couldn't quite bring herself to do so.
It was Trip who released her, but instead of standing, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "If you don't mind, I'd like to stay a few more minutes."
T'Pol rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "That's all right."
She took a deep breath and allowed herself to be held by her husband one last time.