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Most days, Yosuke felt like a living lie. Especially when he sat by the river with his best friend, trying to act like he was still the same ‘guy’ Souji had known all these years. Yosuke couldn’t remember how it all started. Just a few panicked late night google searches, way too many tears into his pillow, and suddenly he was at the doctor’s office getting prescribed some shit he felt like he didn’t deserve.
He.
He.
Yosuke was a guy. It didn’t matter what pills he took, what name he went by, that was never gonna change. Yet he still had to take these stupid pills or each day felt like a new round of torture. Here he was with his best friend pretending nothing had changed, knowing that if Souji knew the truth he would think he was a disgusting–
“Yo, earth to Yosuke?”
Souji’s hand swishing by his face brought Yosuke back to reality. Souji always did that, getting closer before Yosuke even realized it.
“Oh, uh, yeah. I’m here. Sorry,” Yosuke muttered.
“What’re you apologizing for?”
“I dunno. Sorry.”
Souji chuckled. Yosuke would do anything for that stupid grin. Idiot.
“Y’know, you seem different lately,” Souji said.
Yosuke frowned. “Like how?”
Souji shrugged. “You’ve been, like, spacier. And, uh…”
“What?”
“...You smell different.”
Yosuke turned bright red, nearly falling over backwards. “Excuse me!? Do you make a habit of sniffing me or something, weirdo?”
Souji held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, hey, don’t be like that. I just have a good sense of smell and couldn’t help but notice, that’s all.”
“Whatever, fuckin’ perv…”
Souji held his hand up to his heart like he’d been shot dead. “Guilty as charged!” he said, before falling over.
Yosuke giggled, but just as quickly he was back in his head and quiet once again. Souji still smiled, but seeing Yosuke made his expression soften and he was pulled as well into Yosuke’s solemn gaze on the river.
Abruptly Souji stood up. “Hey, you hungry?”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess,” Yosuke replied. “Is anything even open?”
“Worth a check.” Souji shrugged.
Luckily after heading a bit closer to town they found their favorite ramen stand and sat down with two piping hot bowls, warm aroma filling their icy cold faces.
“Man, I’m gonna be out of money by the end of this week,” Yosuke sighed.
“I’ll cover you until you get some more money then,” Souji said.
“H-Hey, c’mon man! You don’t need to do that, I can ask my dad for some more, it’s no big deal.”
Souji shook his head. “You don’t like talking to your dad though, right? Let me help you then.” He smiled. “In return, however, I’m gonna need a taste of that ramen as compensation,” and suddenly Souji was way too close again, leaning right up against him.
“Dude, what the–”
Souji opened his mouth. “Spoon me up, c’mon.”
Yosuke couldn’t help but laugh. “Jeez, fine,” and he lifted up the bowl to deposit a taste in Souji’s mouth. The gesture was… oddly intimate, and Yosuke felt his face growing hot (and not from the ramen).
Souji hummed in satisfaction as he sat up. “Whew, that’s some good stuff.”
“You ordered this last time, partner, what are you sayi–”
Yosuke went quiet, realizing what he just said.
“...It’s been a while since you’ve called me that,” Souji said softly. And it was the truth. Yosuke had been avoiding saying that. It was a small way he tried to put distance between Souji and himself, in preparation for when Souji decided he wanted nothing to do with him.
Yosuke just stuttered, nothing in particular. What the hell could he even say?
“Did you think I had a problem with it? With being your partner?” Souji said.
When Yosuke said nothing, Souji slung his arm around his back, just like he always used to. “‘Cause I don’t. Not at all.” Still Yosuke said nothing, because what could he even say? That any act of kindness from Souji was being wasted on an inhuman freak like him? That even this gesture that used to mean nothing made his heart pound and he hated the idea he might see Souji that way because there was no way feelings like that would ever be reciprocated and he just hoped all of this shit was a lie and–
“I think we should go home,” Yosuke said. “Sorry, man.”
Souji unwrapped his arm and sighed. “Alright. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? We’re friends, you know.”
Yosuke chuckled dryly as he stood up. “Yeah, I know.”
They walked home in silence. The dark path through their town, sparingly interrupted by streetlights, did nothing to improve the mood. Yosuke found himself unable to look Souji in the eye, just staring down at his feet as he walked and occasionally at rocks he found instead.
Yosuke imagined this was it. Souji probably thought he hated him or, heaven forbid, could see that something was wrong. Well, it was hard to keep your high school friends into college anyway. It was only natural they would drift apart.
They next time they saw each other Yosuke felt like Souji was scrutinizing him. Every look seemed way too curious. Souji’s vision was too good, his mind was too sharp. Eventually Souji would figure out the sort of freak that Yosuke was, and then he’d leave him behind.
Yosuke was taking these pills and doing all the steps but he wasn’t actually sure where it was going. He’d told his parents one simple thing: Mom, dad, I hate being a guy. I hate it.
It’d taken a while for them to accept it. For years it was: No, you’re making this up, you just need to get out more. Then when he did everything right, started university, and still felt this monster clawing at him from the inside it turned into: Fine, you’re going to take these ‘hormones’ discreetly, and once you look like a woman you will live as one full time and get a sex change. Then you will marry a man and start a family. His dad tended to dominate most of these conversations. He set the agenda as usual in their household. The only difference was that it was now his mom pushing for him to get married, giving tips on how to do makeup and attract men, instead of his dad coaching him on how to get girls.
It wasn’t really that different. They were still so obsessed with their little bit of wealth and equally obsessed with him carrying on the family line so he could advance the Junes ranks. Yosuke didn’t get it. He didn’t know if he wanted to get married. He didn’t know if he liked boys or girls or what. He was just miserable. He hated being a guy but the way his mom talked about being a woman sounded equally miserable.
Souji moving back to Inaba had helped. Yosuke had not been expecting it, not in a million years. They kept up over text but he’d assumed Souji was done with the town he’d nearly died in. He was back though, going to the same school as Yosuke, though in the dorms instead of living with his parents like Yosuke was. For him it was an exciting adventure somewhere new, living on his own. He could have just lived with Dojima but Yosuke figured he wanted something different, wanted Inaba to feel unique even if it hadn’t changed at all since the days of the Investigation Team,
Yosuke didn’t know much of anything. He knew that he would always be male, no matter how far he got. Not that that comforted him. It was a fact he hated. Souji being here helped but also made things worse, because the other thing he knew was that he was definitely in love with his best friend.
It was wrong. No matter what Yosuke just couldn’t see himself marrying Souji and starting a traditional family and all that, it didn’t feel right and Souji himself had no interest in something like that. He turned down every girl at school who asked him out, looked bored at every mixer, especially when they started discussing plans for the future. What Souji and Yosuke had was different. They were partners, best friends. Nothing normal or traditional could work for them, even if perhaps it could be romantic. Yosuke certainly couldn’t stop himself from daydreaming about it.
But of course it didn’t matter anyway. Souji didn’t see him like that, and never would. Yosuke wasn’t worth the time.
One day Souji dropped by for an unexpected visit. It was the weekend right before finals, and Souji had said he was busy studying. Yosuke hadn’t been mad, he was equally busy, and would’ve had to turn down any invitations from Souji to hang out.
When the doorbell rang Yosuke barreled down the stairs. It was late in the afternoon but he still just wore his pajamas. He hadn’t even eaten breakfast yet.
“Partner?” he said as he opened the door.
“Hey,” Souji breathed. He was panting.
Yosuke paused. “Dude… Are you good? Need some water?”
Souji laughed, stumbling inside. “Yeah, that would be great actually.”
He’d been here many times, so he just went into the kitchen and poured himself some tapwater without waiting for Yosuke. He then filled up the glass twice more and chugged two more helpings down. Yosuke raised his eyebrows.
“Dude…”
“Sorry, I just ran out of breath. And got thirsty.” He turned towards Yosuke. “I’ve been trying to study, but, I don’t know, I just can’t focus. I’m totally stuck. I need your help, Yosuke.”
“My help? Seriously?” Usually it was Yosuke asking Souji for help, not the other way around.
“Yeah, lemme show you,” Souji said. He walked up to Yosuke’s bedroom and Yosuke followed.
Souji was stuck on a paper he had to write for his classic lit class. This was a class Yosuke was not taking. He wasn’t doing any sort of literature class. Yosuke was focusing on economics and culinary arts, since of course he was obligated to take over the store at some point. Truthfully he didn’t want to do any kind of school. He didn’t know anything. He just wanted a break.
He mostly just listened to Souji drone on about the class and how much it sucked, how stuck he was. This was another thing different today. Normally Yosuke was the one to talk Souji’s ears off while the other sat and listened. This was another consequence of Yosuke retreating into himself, trying to stop Souji from noticing anything different. But Souji always noticed, he noticed and changed accordingly.
Yosuke didn’t know how to help Souji, and the conversation turned into nothingness as they lay on his floor and stared at the ceiling. They went through everything, the weather, their other classes, the latest updates and meta changes in Yosuke’s favorite game, the last good movies they watched. Every topic passed them by until they were back reminiscing, since of course the future was too scary to think about.
“You were crazy back then, man,” Souji laughed. “Signing up the girls for the swimsuit contest? What were you thinking? Chie nearly killed you.”
“She didn’t. She just forced us into the drag competition instead, even worse.” Yosuke groaned.
Souji paused. “Do you still have that costume?”
“Uh, no,” Yosuke lied. “Do you have yours?”
“Yeah, I do,” Souji said. “But it doesn’t fit me anymore.”
Yosuke went silent. Deathly silent. How he was he supposed to tell Souji that not only did he still have it, and it still fit him, but he liked to wear it all the time when no one else was around, that he daydreamed over and over about Souji seeing him in it and telling him how cute he looked.
The way his mom talked about womanhood sounded suffocating, depressing, full of obligations and free of agency. As embarrassing as that contest had been it was different. That was femininity for fun, all a performance, exaggerated and turned up to overdrive. It was exciting, and when he wore it he felt like he was on top of the world. If he was a girl than it was that kind, like a magical girl, fun and carefree and in control, not a trapped housewife.
But it’s not like Yosuke hated being a guy. It was just a fact of life. It was the expectations of it, the burdens of masculinity, that really got to him. He repeated to himself over and over that he was a guy and he was male, because it was familiar, because he knew how to do it, and trying to find out what he actually was was just too nerveracking. Being a guy on estrogen was weird but made sense, was simpler than the reality, which was a total mystery.
Souji propped himself up on his shoulders, squinting at him. “You’re lying.”
Yosuke sputtered. “Huh!?”
“You totally still have it.”
“No, I don’t! Why would you think that?”
“It’s the way your eyes are moving.” Souji pointed at his face. “You only do that when you lie.”
“Dude, you’re crazy.” Yosuke tried to laugh it off.
“Dude, I was the leader of the Investigation Team remember? I solved a murder case. I can totally figure you out.”
Yosuke felt cold sweat trail down his neck. You can’t figure me out, he thought. Not even I can do that.
“I’ll find it,” Souji said.
“Wait–“
“It’s in here somewhere. I’ll find that outfit and prove I’m right.”
Souji stood up, a determined look on his face. Yosuke swore. Souji darted around his cabinets, closets, under his bed. Yosuke jolted up from the floor and pounced on him, crying out words of protest as Souji tore through his room and made a mess of the entire space. Clothes covered the floor, sheets flew in the air, everything quickly became a mess. The room hadn’t exactly been clean to start with but now it was even worse. Yosuke begged and begged for Souji to stop his search but Souji wouldn’t listen. That was probably Souji’s most annoying trait, how stubborn he was, yet it was the same one that had made Yosuke fall for him.
They both got sweaty and ruffled as Yosuke fought to conceal his secret. Eventually though Souji gave the closet at the back of his room a second look, and tucked away in the corner was that same dress he had worn on stage all those years ago.
Yosuke fell to the ground with a groan. He’d been defeated. Souji crawled into the closet, panting, and retrieved the dress. “Wow, huff, it’s still here. Phew! And still in great condition, look at that!”
“Screw you.” Yosuke stuck his tongue out. He was totally red. “I keep it nice and ironed…” he muttered.
It was too quiet, and Souji just pursed his lips. “What was that? Speak up.”
“I said go to hell, stupid partner!”
Souji laughed, but then frowned just as quickly, as if he’d finally recognized he might have crossed a line. Trashing his room hadn’t done it, but seeing Yosuke pout made him pause. “Sorry, this was too far, wasn’t it? If you’re not ready you’re not ready, I shouldn’t be forcing you into anything.”
Yosuke said nothing.
Souji sat down and rested his head on his knee. Fuck he was so cute. Fuck!
“I…” Souji started. “If you don’t want to tell me anything then don’t, but now I’m just wondering about the–“
Yosuke didn’t need to hear the rest of it. The smell, why you look different, blah blah blah. “Just spit it out, asshole.”
Souji winced, then took a deep breath. “Sorry for trashing your room and digging this out. I just got bored and pissed off about the essay and wanted to liven things up a bit.”
Yosuke’s face softened. “Apology accepted.”
Souji chuckled. “What the hell am I doing? Jeez… What the hell are we doing?”
What on Earth did Souji mean by that?
He didn’t follow up on it, and neither did Yosuke. Yosuke just kept staring at the ceiling.
“So, uh, should I put this back, or…?” Souji held up the dress.
Yosuke glanced at it. He hated Souji for finding it, but a part of him was also grateful. He knew it would have just stayed a secret if he hadn’t. Yosuke would have kept burying himself away until there was nothing left.
Maybe it was time to dig everything up.
“Gimme that,” Yosuke said. Souji looked shock, then handed him the outfit. “Now close your eyes.”
“Oh, uh, okay.” Souji closed his eyes then covered them up with his hands for good measure.
Yosuke was totally read. He always felt like this when he put it on. Having Souji here, even with eyes closed, made it so much more intense.
He stripped down and shoved it on hastily, ruffling up his hair even more. Sometimes he put on a bra too and dolled himself up with makeup. He wasn’t great at it, and he tended to smudge the stuff all over his face. Most of the time he just liked to wear it unkempt and messy. It was all a performance after all, and Yosuke liked feeling like he was flipping off womanhood, as if he was a cosplayer stuck in her costume after getting drunk at an after party, the entire look ruined the next day. She liked to be like that, a ruined girl.
Fuck, here it goes. Once the dress was on Yosuke started to see herself different, think of herself different. It clicked a switch in her brain and then every he shifted into a her. It was nice though, she couldn’t lie.
“Okay, open your eyes,” Yosuke said.
Souji opened them, and smiled as he saw how she looked.
“Nice,” he said.
Yosuke sat down cross legged in front of him. She had the bead in her hair holding it up in a ponytail, and the bow on her collar. It was all a bit lopsided, a bit messy, but Souji didn’t seem to mind. Yosuke was immediately embarrassed, she always got like this when Souji looked at her like that, all affectionate.
“Yosuke,” Souji said.
“Yeah?”
“I have a question. You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to. But I can’t not ask it.”
Yosuke nodded.
“Are you a girl?” Souji asked.
“Do you want me to be?” Yosuke replied.
Souji’s eyes widened. “Uh,” then he just shrugged.
Yosuke laughed. Then she kept laughing. It was such a different response then she’d ever daydreamed about, but it was so Souji, she really should have expected it. Souji started laughing with her and it filled the room. Yosuke fell on her back again, tired. She was glad the house was empty today. This was going to take some explaining regardless, but at least she could avoid that until later.
“I have no idea,” Yosuke said, once she ran out of breath. “I feel like one where I this.”
“So you’re a girl right now?” Souji said softly.
“I don’t know man,” Yosuke groaned, face in her hands. “I don’t fucking know. Being a girl all the time sounds exhausting, so many rules and bullshit to think about! But being a guy feels like that too. It was so much for years and now I just can’t do it anymore. But I dunno what I’m doing instead. I just want to do nothing.”
Souji scooched closer to her. “Nothing.” Their heads touched, just barely, and they both looked at the ceiling. “I like that. That’s kinda beautiful.”
“Excuse me?”
“You just get to be you,” Souji said, grinning. “Whatever you want, whenever you want. Or not doing anything, just existing. That’s awesome.”
“I’ve never thought about it like that,” Yosuke whispered. “I guess you’re right.”
Souji reached his arm around and pulled her in closer. She rested her head on his shoulders and sighed. “Is that alright?” Souji said.
“Mhmm.” It was more than alright. Yosuke felt like she was on fire, in a good way, not in a scorched with an Agi by an angry Shadow way.
“Just tell me what you want to be called,” Souji continued. “And then change it if you want. Again and again. I just want you around, whatever you’re like. I just want you.”
“D– Dude.” Yosuke winced. She was so embarrassing. That was just how Souji made her feel.
Souji snickered. “Yeah, dude. Or wait, dudette, I don’t know.”
Yosuke shrugged. “Girls can be dudes. And boys can be girls, I guess. Who’s to say?”
“True…”
After another quiet moment, Yosuke started again, “So… Are you a girl?”
“Nah,” Souji responded. “I’ve thought about it, but no. I like being a guy, always have.”
“I see.”
“I’m not a regular guy though. I don’t want to get married and have a family and all that stuff. That sounds so boring. I just want to have fun, be myself, and have someone to do all that with.”
Souji flopped on his side. Yosuke did the same, and she suddenly felt very nervous. Souji looked right at her lips, then her eyes, a serious expression on his face.
“Someone like a partner?” Yosuke murmurred.
“Yeah.” Souji smirked, then he grasped both sides of Yosuke’s face. “Partner, er, Yosuke. I like you. A lot.”
“So do I,” Yosuke muttered. “Dumbass.”
Souji laughed. His face lit up so bright even as the sun started to set, and Yosuke’s heart clenched. “I have for so long. It’s embarrassing. I liked you all throughout high school and I could never work up the courage to say anything.”
“Dude, what!? I liked you in high school too!”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah! I thought it was so obvious, I was just hoping you would, I don’t know, pick up on it.” Yosuke shook her head.
“I was hoping you pick up on it,” Souji retorted. “I’ve never once confessed someone. They always come to me.”
“Well, now you have,” Yosuke said.
“Damn right.” Souji grinned.
He held Yosuke for a bit, as if piecing together words in his mind and needing her as anchor. Yosuke’s heart was pounding. She didn’t know how to take the next step, didn’t even know what the next step was.
“Yosuke,” Souji finally said. “Do you want to be, uh, partners who kiss?”
Yosuke’s eyes popped out of her head, face shocked. Then she laughed, bright and loud, totally flushed. It was both joy and embarrassment, flowing through her and infecting everything around her. Souji’s smile was so huge it looked like it was gonna break his face.
Yosuke didn’t answer. She just kissed Souji, soft and quick. That was gonna be it, then she planned to give him a speech she’d rehearsed in her head a few times, but he grabbed her close and kissed her back, much harder, pushing in her mouth with his tongue and making her sigh. They kissed and kissed and each time one pulled away a trail of saliva followed. After a while they ran out of breath and just laid together, not knowing where to go from here but knowing there was no need to know. It didn’t matter as long they were here.
“Wow,” Yosuke said.
“Yeah,” Souji replied. “Awesome.”
“No you’re awesome,” Yosuke teased.
“Whatever,” Souji chuckled.”You’re awesomer.”
They went back and forth for a while. Souji always broke her plans, was never what she pictured in her daydreams.
Yosuke wouldn’t have it any other way.