Chapter Text
Chapter 1: A Question… (Identity Crisis)
Things started to quiet down for the day as night fell on Cybertron; the setting sun reflected off the metallic street and her shiny black and silver armor like diamonds. Nightshade stopped to enjoy it for a few clicks. As she did it occurred to her that she never really took the time to appreciate her new home due to simply being homesick for Earth. She missed the sounds of nature from earth but in that moment she realized the hums, the sounds of this planet, were just as peaceful. She had been busy and had very little time to really focus on what could be. She spent far too much time thinking about what was despite the scary yet wonderful changes that took place over the last three Earth years.
The planet could now sustain life but as of yet it was unclear if new life could be birthed there. Nightshade volunteered to be part of the research team that was working on solving that problem. Even before the fateful night on campus that made her what she is now she loved science. She loved anything related to biology from as far back as her childhood and now her focus shifted from her old planet and old body to her new one. Getting used to her new body had been quite a challenge. She laughed quietly as she remembered trying to fake being comfortable and pretend she had always been Cybertronian. She was still surprised that she acted good enough to fool as many doctors as she did.
She headed home to do some studying and to hopefully get a few cycles of recharge in. It had been a while since she felt she really recharged enough. The project alone kept her busy, along with her medical studies with Ratchet she had plenty to think about. She tried to be social and spend time with her "spark mate" if she dared call him that, and her new friends took up the rest of her time. Come to think of it the last 3 years had been really long! She needed a vacation or at least time for herself.
Back at her place she reclined on her berth, off lined her optics, and initiated the recharge procedure, she ex vented as she expected each of her secondary system to power down. However, after several nanoclicks the only message on her HUD was something about an error and being unable to engage the protocol. Something felt wrong. Her processor ached. He door wings twitched as if under physical stress and the room began to spin. She guessed that this was the Cybertronian equivalent of a nervous breakdown. She was stressed about her studies, her job, and her relationships with her fellow bots. She could not let go of the idea that something terrible was about to happen. Perhaps she was still a bit war weary. She remembered something said in jest by her angry attacker that echoed in her processor. She was told she was not really what she appeared. She began to panic. Nightshade had to talk to someone before she absolutely glitched. She didn’t dare call Knockout, the thought of their first encounter and where they were now made it seem awkward to call him. The only one she could think of at this point who could prevent it and give her peace of mind she needed was her mentor, Ratchet.
"Ratchet," Nightshade commed, "do you have a couple of nanokliks? I want to, no NEED to see you. The sooner the better."
"Sure," Ratchet replied. He could hear the panic in her voice and he knew his charge well enough to know something was up. She didn't usually overreact. "Sending a ground bridge now."
Nightshade walked through the ground bridge and almost collapsed. Ratchet could now see her fear. "What happened? What is wrong?"
Nightshade tried to play it calm. I guess it is about time for a maintenance check,” she managed to whisper.
He immediately began a quick scan. "Please, Nightshade! I usually have to hunt down bots for checks and threaten to weld them to the berth to get them to comply. You come willingly, early, and at this time of orn? I am touched but I don't believe you just came for maintenance." Ratchet smirked. "You care to tell me the real reason?” He gave her a look of disapproval.
“I am having trouble recharging.” She answered still shaking and her vocal processor cracking.
“Nightshade, there is more to it than that.” He looked at her with impossible patience. “I have only ever seen you panic once and that was when you joined us thinking your life was in immediate danger. You were close to a panic attack. That was understandable for you then. What has frightened you so much this evening?”
Nightshade cycled air through her vents. A noise like a sob escaped her vocal processor. She spoke so fast most humans would have missed half of what she said. "A few years ago everything was perfect. I had my family, my friends, and I even began the very early stages of training for my dream job. I was going to be a surgeon. Then in a matter of a few days it was all taken away. Sure I was only going to live a vorn but hey that was average. I loved life. Now, I have grieved what I lost and I have adjusted. I have fought on both sides in the same war. The war is over, I have a new family, new friends, I'm still going to be a surgeon but I fear I'm going to lose it all again"
Nightshade was certain she was going to go into involuntary stasis lock. “Is this what glitching is like?” she wondered out loud.
"What if it is all in vain? What if I'm not what I think I am? What if I am inferior? What if I really am a failed experiment? What if I don't even get a vorn to live now?'
Ratchet sat down beside her. He could clearly see where this was going. "Let me see if I am understanding you" he said. "In short you don't think you truly are Cybertronian. Am I correct?"
Nightshade simply nodded. He was good. She silently thanked Primus she didn't actually have to say it or she definitely would have glitched.
"Nightshade, who found you? Cons right? You served how long aboard the Nemesis? I seriously doubt you would have been able to get past the morbid curiosity of Knock Out and never mind Shockwave if you weren't really Cybertronian. You would have been an experiment all right, in Shockwave's lab, if you even got past Knock Out. That fragging glitch still loves to take things apart and would have had you on his dissection table in half an astrosecond if he expected otherwise. Then we found you. Do you think I don't know a fellow Cybertronian when I see one? I didn't believe your story at first, remember?" He was right about that. She still wasn't completely convinced but at least she was no longer on the edge of a major shutdown.
"You still don't look like you believe me and on the chance that there is something beyond your stress that is causing your problems recharging let's do that maintenance check."
"Let me see your arm. I'm going to show you something now that you will know what you are looking for. Take off the armor on your forearm for a nanoklik." Ratchet scanned it and projected the readings on the med bay's main computer. "What is it composed of, Nightshade? Any earth alloys?"
No, it is all of Cybertronian origins, Cybertronium among others" she replied.
"Good," he said. He set the armor aside and thumped her arm; there was a soft metallic ring. "See, nothing organic there!" Ratchet grabbed some vials and set them beside Nightshade. "Straighten your arm" Ratchet said as he probed the bend in her arm. He found a small energon line and filled one of the vials. Ratchet smiled at her. "I'm not even going to comment on how Cybertronian this is, and what it does to organics. It fills your circuitry." Nightshade smiled. Yeah, it was her life blood now she thought. He closed the line and probed deeper for smaller lines and filled a couple of vials with other fluids. He replaced her armor. "Ok, Nightshade lay back quick scan" Nightshade complied. The hum of Ratchet's scanner filled her audios and as she felt the electromagnetic tingle through her body she decided to off line her optics for just a moment.
She on lined her optics 3 breems later to find Ratchet standing over her with a cube of energon. From the smell of it, it was at least mid-grade. "Nuh uh sit up and drink!" he barked. When she finished ¾ of the cube he spoke again. "Care to tell me when the last time you refueled was? Never mind the last time you got a full recharge. Your energy reserves were almost completely depleted!"
"I can't remember," was all that Nightshade could get out as a reply.
"I thought as much! I am ordering an increase in energon rations for you for the next few days and at least 8 mega cycles of uninterrupted recharge. If your energy reserves aren't back up in the next few days I will be forcing energon in you and welding you to that berth and putting you in stasis. Do I make myself clear? If that fragger of a spark mate of yours prevents it rest assured I will take great pleasure in welding his pompous, arrogant aft to a berth too." Nightshade could only nod, and smile. She was going to be ok.
"Oh, and just so you know the rest of your 100% Cybertronian body is functioning within normal parameters. I don't know what the future may hold. I do know that eventually we are all going to offline for good. Barring any cataclysmic events you have several hundred thousand vorns to live. Nightshade, you have a great future ahead of you, you'll make a great surgeon. You need to focus on living and not on dying. Ok. It doesn't matter where we came from and how we got here. The only thing that matters is where we are going. You are going to rest. Now get out. You are underfoot. I'll see you in 3 Orns. "