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The day Church walked out on him, Washington wasn’t surprised. Hurt, angry, confused, but shocked wasn’t among the myriad of emotions he felt at the time. That was what Church did, he was self-sabotaging and frustrating but he was Washington’s no matter how imperfect.
More than a year passed since he last heard from Church and there wasn’t a day that went by where he didn’t think about him. When they started dating things were great, when they moved in together things were wonderful, and when Church left, things fell apart. Wash retreated into himself and none of his friends knew how to help him. For an ex-freelancer who’d been through a world of shit, it was amazing he was still standing but there was also only so much more he could take. They opted for an apartment instead of a house because neither owned many things but even then, their apartment was cozy. The walls were lined with pictures of them together in happier times, their friends, and probably too many pictures of their cats. The kitchen was stocked full of cooking utensils and baking supplies even though they ate out most nights. The bathroom still had all of Church’s somewhat used up toiletries littering the counter space the way he left them. It was unbearable for Wash, almost a shrine to the man who left him. Every room he walked into meant walking into a memory he had of Church. In winter when Church could’ve easily grabbed more blankets or turned up the heat, he instead insisted on nuzzling further into Wash’s embrace for warmth. Now the bed was cold and half empty. In the spring when they sat out on their patio drinking beers at night and looking at the few stars they could see, Church would nudge his knee and smile over at him. Now the chairs collected pollen. When Church left, he took the life out of everything with him too.
After about six months, Carolina questioned why he didn’t change places or at least get rid of some of his stuff, Washington balked. “He might come back, he’s done this before! That’s an awfully harsh thing to do.”
Carolina shrugged, “He did an ‘awfully harsh’ thing to you.”
Washington didn’t talk to her much about the situation after that.
Though maybe he preferred her bluntness to Caboose’s visits. It usually began with Caboose collapsing into and all over him wailing about ‘oh poor Church is out there alone, who will feed him’ and ended with Washington cradling him on the couch until he was asleep. He appreciated Caboose’s sentiments, it was nice to know he wasn’t alone in his pain, but he wasn’t sure he enjoyed how Caboose’s grief manifested itself.
Sarge didn’t mention it, Simmons didn’t know how to broach the subject, Tucker usually took him out to a bar to supposedly get drunk but Wash was sure it was his way of trying to help him find someone new, and thankfully Grif only ever clapped him on the back in consolation. They all tried, they did, but what can somebody do in a situation like that? There are no words or gestures that resolve the situation, only offer a moment where he forgot the man he loved cared deeply for left him. The person he spent so much of his life trying to forget (only to find he wanted to create new memories with him), somebody who he grew to trust, somebody who had seen his mind and wasn’t scared off, someone that was kind of as much of a dick as he was, that person left him and that was fucking terrifying. If Church, someone who knew him inside and out and so wholly could up and leave without so much as a warning then what hope was there for Washington with anyone? There wasn’t and much to Carolina’s chagrin he kept all of Church’s belongings and he kept the apartment. It was a reminder he had something great once and hell if he was going to forget that.
-*-
It was 9:48 on a Thursday night and the sound of distant thunder rumbled across Washington’s living room. He drew back the curtains on the double-doors that led outside to his patio and he watched the thunderstorm in silence, reveling in the sound of the raindrops hitting the window pane and the way the glow of a somewhat close-by lightning bolt briefly bathed the contents of his apartment in a blue-white hue. He smiled to himself softly until he heard a soft rapping at his door. Puzzled, he moved across the space to answer the door. He hadn’t ordered any food and he wasn’t expecting any company either. It was possible maybe Simmons wanted to have an impromptu yet impeccably planned not-sleepover at his place tonight but that was last night. Regardless, he smoothed down his shirt in case it was Simmons or a random neighbor complaining about something or another. When he opened the door, he wasn’t surprised Church was standing there soaking wet. Wash was hurt, angry, confused, but he wasn’t shocked.
Church looked gaunt, tired. His drenched shirt hung loosely on his lithe chest, the glasses didn’t do much to hide the dark circles under his eyes and the color of his skin was more pallid than Wash remembered it. Water dripped from his dark tips, slid down the bridge of his nose as his entire frame only collected more water as Washington looked at him wide-eyed and unsure of what to do. When Church left, he took the life out of himself.
“Can you let me in? I’m gonna get sick if I stay out here any longer.”
Wash’s mouth softly fell open incapable of settling on a single question to ask or comment to make. Regardless, he stepped aside and watched Church walk into the bathroom connected to their bedroom. He trailed a few steps behind still trying to figure out what to make of the situation. He opted to stand in the doorway and watch Church for the time being because if he was being honest, he wasn’t obligated to say anything in this fucked up situation because he did nothing wrong. It was Church who owed him an explanation and an apology.
There was silence as Church stripped off his rain-soaked clothes and toweled himself dry. Any other instance, Wash would’ve welcomed the sight of a naked Church in front of him but he was too thrown off, too furious, too confused to even indulge in letting his mind or hands wander. Church walked past him into the bedroom and pulled out some of his favorite clothing, getting dressed. Washington continued to stand in the doorway in silence until Church finally turned around.
“So how’ve you been?”
That was it. That’s how Church wanted to address the elephant in the room? Washington was bewildered how he could be so cavalier about this, about what he did. He pushed off the doorframe, standing up straight, back rigid and arms crossed. When he finally spoke, his voice came out icy, quiet. “That’s what you have to say for yourself? You left without so much as a goodbye and you come back without a hello to greet me and now this is what you’re asking me?”
Church laughed nervously, “I thought I’d break the ice, I was just making a little joke.”
Washington shook his head in disbelief. “None of it was ever a joke, Church. What you did, you can’t just come back here and expect that things are going to be okay. You were gone for over a year, you left me and it didn’t look like you were coming back this time. Do you have any idea what you put Caboose through? Do you have any idea what you put me through?!” His words started off as an inaudible whisper but they crescendoed until his voice was an octave deeper and stern.
He sighed and almost seemed to retreat into himself. “Wash… I know apologizing doesn’t make what I did alright, and I don’t expect you to forgive me but I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, please believe me. I didn’t… I didn’t know what to do.”
Washington narrowed his eyes. “Didn’t know what to do? What does that even mean? Why did you leave, Church?”
He breathed in deep, steeling himself because he knew there was no explanation here that would be satisfying or could make sense of what he did or why. “It was all too much. What we had… what we have, I couldn’t take it, it was too intense. The last time I had feelings this deep for someone was Tex and you know how that turned out. I was scared, Wash, I rely on you so much, I trust you completely and I was afraid of what would happen if you left me.”
Wash was furious, his chest heaved as he took a few measured steps forward. “You were scared of your own feelings? So you thought it was okay to just leave me instead of talking about them? Did you ever consider that maybe I felt the same way too? Did you think maybe it terrified me too how much I care for you? Because it does, it does scare me, Church, but that’s the difference between you and me, I’m willing to stay and talk it out because I know it’s good for us. You… you run at the first sight of anything resembling emotion.”
“I know, Wash, I know, you have every right to be angry at me. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, I really am but I’m back, I’m here now and I promise I’ll never leave you ever again. I know better now, I know I was wrong. All those months I was gone, all I could think about was how much I missed you, how much I missed you holding me at night. How you used tug on my cowlick when you ran your fingers through my hair…”
Church looked up and he was taken aback to see Washington towering over him. He held his chin high, ready to take on whatever was about to happen next. What he didn’t expect were the back of his knees hitting the edge of their bed and Washington whispering under his breath quietly, “You ‘missed’ me? More than a year, Church, more than a year.”
He nodded, maintaining the intense eye contact between the two of them. “I know, Wash, but I did, I missed you more than you could ever imagine.”
Chapped, cracked lips brushed against his own and he heard an even quieter murmur soon after, “did you miss this?”
Church nodded into the contact as his eyes slid shut, “I did.”
Washington kissed him harder, more forceful. Parting Church’s lips further, goading him into a deeper kiss. “How about this?”
Between kisses, Church managed to get out a hoarse, “All. I. Ever. Wanted.”
With one last searing kiss complete with him tugging on Church’s lower lip as he pulled away, Washington pushed Church onto their bed. He tried to prop himself up on his elbows but Wash wasn’t having any of it. The amount of time it took Wash to get Church undressed felt like far greater than the amount of time Church spent actually wearing his clothes. “We aren’t finished talking.”
Church nodded in agreement while he rushed to rid of Washington of his clothes as well. Whether he heard those words or not, it didn’t matter too much in the moment; they needed this. More than a year apart and he could feel the life spreading through his extremities. Every inch of skin that came in contact with Church’s exposed form set ablaze. His lips couldn’t get enough of the way Church tasted: slightly bitter like cheap instant coffee and the last remaining drops of the passing thunderstorm. He couldn’t still his fingers, the way they traced over Church’s collarbone or down his sides. He wanted to reacquaint himself with every inch of Church but that implied he forgot anything about him the past year.
-*-
They lay their quietly in the moments that followed. Washington exhaled, withering and slow as Church gently caressed the side of his face repeatedly. The tension dissipated between them with the waning thunderstorm outside and all that was left was everything hanging unsaid. Church cracked a slow, contented smile.
“I did miss you. So much. God, I missed this.”
“Then why did you ever leave, Church? You didn’t have to go, this could’ve been yours all along.”
Church sighed, stilling his hand to rub his thumb across Wash’s stubble and scar laden jaw. “Wash… It’s hard to explain. Deep down, I know that, I know that, really, I do but there’s also something in me that keeps telling me ‘no, don’t believe that, this is too good to last, he’s too good for you, he’s going to leave you.’ I know there’s no truth to any of it but it’s constant. I feel like I care for you too much and it’s fucking scary, always thinking this way and knowing none of it’s true but you also can’t stop these thoughts from occurring. And then you worry and you think more and you convince yourself against all reason all of it is true and it fucking destroys you. I know these aren’t good reasons and there will never be an explanation good enough to make what I did okay but I’m sorry and I need you to know that. Apologies don’t do shit but it’s the best I can do to start making it up to you.”
Wash nodded, mulling over what to say next. “What made you want to come back?”
“I missed you. I missed what we had. Time apart didn’t stop the thoughts but it made me realize just how fucking good we have it together. Compared to the relationships I’ve had across the span of my life so far, platonic or otherwise, as fucked up as this one is sometimes it’s also probably the most …emotionally intense one I’ve had so far.”
Washington snorted, laughter rolling off his lips the way the remaining rainwater cascaded down their roof. “That’s a lie for so many different reasons and you know it.”
“Fine, whatever asshole, I’m trying to open up to you here and you just laugh in my face. Yeah, yeah, whatever, real supportive. If I’m being honest, I can’t pinpoint what it is about you or us that made me want to come back but whatever bond I have between you, it’s different… it’s so strong and I don’t want to shut you out. If anyone gets my fucked up train of thoughts, it’s you.”
He let a small smile grace his features, “I forgive you. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to take me some time to be okay with this past year but it’s behind us now. I’m not really sure what the right things to say are here but neither of us can change what happened, we can only talk about it and make sure it doesn’t happen again. I need you to be open and honest with me for that to occur. I need you to tell me what I can do to help and what you need from me in return. We’ll work through this together, Church, I’ll help you, I’m here for you.”
Church nuzzled closer, “I can’t promise everything is going to be fine forever from now on but I can try to do better.”