Work Text:
Tonight’s the night Garry decided to do it. This was the only way he was ever going to be seen, the only way that the boys would ever see who he was and why he did the thing he did. This way he would be with them forever.
They would understand how much he wanted to be one of them and how much he wanted to be a part of the musketeers, the nickname for the group of boys that lived on the floor above him. He could hear them every night. He could hear Pete playing on his guitar while Ray sang along until Hank and Art begrudgingly joined in. He could hear later at night when Art and Hank left, and Ray and Pete made love in a way he knew he would never get to have. He would do anything literally anything to be a part of something like that to love someone else like that. He thought he understood how it worked. He saw how the other boys would bust each other's balls and he thought that was the way to make people like you but like everything else he did it wrong. When he tried it on his dorm neighbor Rank, he ended up in a fist fight and if it wasn’t for Rank admitting later that he threw the first punch he would have been expelled. Despite that, people still avoided him like he had the plague. He didn’t mean to come off so mean but he got caught up in the moment and he thought at first that it was going well but the next thing he knew Rank was swinging at him and he swung back harder. He had always been bad at that, understanding social cues and when someone was angry at him until it was too late. Even his roommate Collie refused to speak to him unless it was absolutely necessary. He overheard Stebbins say that Collie was trying to get transferred to his room and after that Garry would truly be all alone and he just couldn’t live with that. Garry knew how he made others feel, he wasn’t completely unself aware, he was aware how off putting he could be, and he didn’t entirely blame Collie for not wanting to be around him.
This is the only way he told himself again while making his way up the stairs. They’ll finally see me, and they'll wish that they had gotten to know me. When he finally got to the door, he hesitated for a second but inevitably pushed it forward leading himself to the roof. It was an unsurprisingly cold late November, but he didn’t care he walked up the edge of the roof tightly gripping the cold metal railing that lined the edge. No one will fucking care a voice screamed in his head. You're doing them all a favor by throwing yourself off this roof. Every shitty thing he’d ever done flooded back to him in this moment every time he called Pete and Ray fags in his head as the held hands in the hallway. Every time he’d put someone smaller than him down just to make him feel better about his own lonely self. Tears started to trickle down his face as he stared at the concrete sidewalk below. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” He kept muttering under his breath.
He thought back to the Orientation day when all of them were sitting in a circle introducing themselves and he smiled since that was the last time he had genuine hope that he had finally found a group that he could be a part of but no all he had to do was open his dumbass mouth and then all he got back was blank stares. He slapped himself in the face hard. Ugly, Dumb, Faggot, Retard, Worthless piece of shit. He ruined everything. That was just a fact of life. He just had to make it stop, had to make the pain go away so he climbed. Right when he was sitting on the railing preparing himself, he heard the door swing open.
He turned around startled and there was golden boy Raymond Garrayity. He had a cigarette that fell out of his mouth once he noticed Garry. After what felt like an eternity of them staring at each other Garry finally managed to choke out “Go away Ray.” He was suddenly aware of how he looked, his eyes red from crying, snot running down his nose.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea Garry” Ray said with those kind eyes of his and that smile that made you feel like you were the only person on earth.
They continued to stare at each other until Ray started to walk towards him.
“Don’t” Garry shouted leaning himself closer towards death.
“Okay, okay” Ray said, hands in the air standing still “But you’ve gotta talk to me man”
Garry hesitated for a second looking down at the concrete below imagining what his body would look like once he jumped but he looked back at Ray with those kind eyes.
“I just can’t take it anymore” Garry sobbed
“It’s okay whatever it is you’re going through I promise it will get better” Ray said with a confidence that made Garry almost think it was true.
“Wherever I go whatever I do I’ll still be me” he took a handoff the rail to point a finger directly at his heart for emphasis.
“What are you talking about, Garry, you're incredible. I remember that photography showcase you did and it made me feel like you really saw me. That one picture of me and Pete holding hands with the sunset in the background literally brought me to tears.” Ray once again gave him that pleading stare that told Garry that he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arm around him and hold him till the hurting stopped.
Garry was taken aback he didn’t think anyone gave two fucks about his pictures and what Ray said was so close to home. He used photography as a way of making himself feel like he was a part of things, a part of a community without actually being in one. He couldn’t bring himself to form any words after that.
“I'm going to walk closer to you now Garry.” Ray said with his arms still up.
Garry wanted to scream at him to stop but he couldn’t put the words in his mouth and Ray took his silence as an okay. Before he knew it Ray was standing next to him and slowly pulling him down from the railing and then they were on the ground Ray holding him while Garry bawled in his arm like a child. “I’m sorry I’m so so sorry” Garry kept muttering over and over.
Ray just held him tight and let him and eventually Garry heard the door open again and out came Peter McCrives with a six pack of beer.
“Sorry, that took so long Ray I …… Is that Killer what is he doing up here.” Peter said with a confused look on his face
“Don’t call him that” Ray shout whispered back, “He just needed a little support that's all.”
Gary suddenly painfully aware of how pathetic he looked, curled up in Ray's arm, broke out of his embrace and tried to make for the door.
“Woah there ki—Gary maybe that isn’t such a good idea. Why don’t you stay with us for a bit,” Ray said while moving to block his escape.
“Th-thank you, Pete, but I wouldn’t want to be a bother” Garry said while shivering suddenly able to feel how cold it was.
“Hear take my jacket I’ve got a hoodie on anyway” Pete commanded handing over his jacket to Gary. “In my experience there's never been a problem that getting drunk and talking hasn’t solved.
And so, they did for the rest of the night they stayed up there on the roof listening to Garry talk. Garry told them about how he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at a young age. How he had been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for hurting himself or hurting others. He even told them about the time when he got beat up by the entire soccer team after he scored a goal on the wrong side. At the end of it all when the sun started to rise, he noticed that Pete and Ray had both fallen asleep in each other's arms and he wasn't even jealous of their connection just happy to be there to see how much they loved each other.