Work Text:
Transcript of Fall Cybersecurity Training from Chetwood IT Team
Slides available in Training Repository (link to recording)
IT@Chetwood: Welcome. Today we will be discussing cybersecurity at Chetwood. This will touch on some of the topics you’ve been receiving as a part of your monthly training videos.
IT@Chetwood: Reminder that your “Go Phish? No Phish!” training is due tomorrow at end of day. You will receive an e-mail if you have not yet completed it.
[clears throat]
IT@Chetwood: We at Chetwood IT care about two things in particular: ensuring that all staff and students have access to just the right amount of technology and demon-proofing the internal network.
IT@Chetwood: Yes, Dr Walden?
Dr Walden: [inaudible]
IT@Chetwood: Yes. For the highest level of demon-proofing, Chetwood would need to remove technology altogether. Any sort of device is a vector for possession, as our PEP policies can attest. We understand that the slow network and blocked social media sites are frustrating. But allowing access without proper protection is asking for a daemon to become a demon.
[pause, as if waiting for laughter]
IT@Chetwood: Next slide.
IT@Chetwood: How does technology work alongside demons? This is a question that is hard to answer. Rather than fumble our way through that answer, we are turning things over to our thaumaturgic expert, Dr Walden.
Dr Walden: Thank you. To understand why technology and demons do not mix, we must first understand what demons are. There is a world beyond ours. Let’s say that demons live there, for simplification. Demons want nothing more than to move from their world into our own, and to do that, they require a foothold.
Dr Walden: Demons like complexity, and technology is nothing if not complex. A smartphone is filled with logic gates and little machines, and when you add personhood on top of that, it becomes a prime target for possession.
Unknown: [inaudible] personhood?
Dr Walden: If you want to talk about the nuances of personhood through a lens of thaumaturgic theory, we can discuss it over tea! My office is open. But for our purposes, personhood means acting as if an object is alive.
[shuffling, a thumping sound]
Dr Walden: If I bump into a table—"Oh, excuse me!” Or if I’m feeling puckish: “Watch it, lad!” In either case, you ascribe personhood to an object, such as this table.
Dr Walden: A table is unlikely to become possessed. It is simple. It lacks the energetic material that demons require. However, if the object is complex, such as an electronic device…
IT@Chetwood: Poof. Demons.
Dr Walden: Quite right.
Dr Walden: That is the root of demons, a core of their demonic nature: to take the chances they are given for the sake of self-enrichment. It is an egocentric act.
IT@Chetwood: So, demons want to be on this side, and they do whatever they can to make it over. Usually in a computer.
Dr Walden: Half points.
[chuckling from audience]
Dr Walden: Demons do seek to leave their domain, and they will do anything within their means to do so—telling lies, making promises. But it’s not always a computer, just something complex.
IT@Chetwood: With that said, let’s look at how computers can be infected, and how you can do your part to prevent a campus incursion.
IT@Chetwood: Next slide.
IT@Chetwood: Firewalls. You may have seen the wards across campus, maintained by Dr Walden. In our IT infrastructure, we also have wards, of a sort.
IT@Chetwood: Wards are encoded in the code for the network port on this very computer. How? Magic. No, but really, it may as well be. Steganography can do marvellous things, and all IT staff are trained on the basics of ward steganography to ensure campus safety.
IT@Chetwood: The firewall is the only reason technology is allowed at such an aetherically active school. The firewall is why you can use campus devices to share your PowerPoint slides without the screen packing up.
IT@Chetwood: This is also why it is vital that you do not use personal devices on the grounds. The network may be slow, and the computers may be slower, but it’s for the safety of everyone. We must model cybersafety for our students.
Unknown: [inaudible] software in my [inaudible] class.
IT@Chetwood: Good question. If you must use any advanced software, it needs to be on the school-approved list of apps. Approval forms can be submitted for new technologies, and proposal software will be assessed for compliance with the Children's Code and wardability.
IT@Chetwood: If a software company has refused to sign privacy agreements, then that is already concerning. But even the most secure apps may be unacceptable for use if their APIs do not support warding. There is no specific legislation in place that specifies how companies must prevent virtual incursion.
IT@Chetwood: We may be able to provide a warding dongle with prior notice, or a VPWN, virtual private warded network. This is still considered insecure, so a marshal may need to be present during the lesson.
Dr Walden: [inaudible] safety form.
IT@Chetwood: Yes, safety procedures are paramount. Do as the Director says.
IT@Chetwood: So. Takeaways. Use school-provided devices only, even if you think they are rubbish. [laughter] Use campus networks and understand that incursions that occur from use of external networks are to be considered a result of employee misconduct and will be followed up by disciplinary action. Mistakes happen, but when people’s lives are on the line, you cannot be too careful!
IT@Chetwood: If you see issues with an electronic device that indicate demonic influence—your device’s clock going backwards, the cursor on your computer going “mental”—please put in a ticket with IT.
Unknown: [inaudible] ask the marshals directly?
IT@Chetwood: It may just be a garden-variety hacker, so no. Ask IT first, and we will redirect as appropriate.
IT@Chetwood: Any further questions?
[audible silence]
Dr Walden: Well, then, we’ll end early. Give us back those five minutes, shall we?
Dr Walden: Thank you for helping to foster a culture of safe technology use at Chetwood. Head teachers, if you’ll remain? I’d like to discuss the upcoming assessments…
[audio ends]