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“Leave me alone.”
That’s what you said when we first met. Remember, Zimms? You’d flubbed a goal at our game, and I didn’t think it was that bad because I had done a shit ton worse that night. You didn’t really talk to anyone back then, but when I saw you looking sad—I dunno, I figured you might want to talk to someone about it.
Don’t get me wrong—I’d noticed you before, Zimms. And not just because of your ass (kidding!) or the way you skated, but I saw you smiling when the other guys said dumb shit, like you were chirping them without words. I wanted in on that smile.
So I came up to you—I dunno if I remember the exact words, but it was probably something like, “Hiya, Zimmermann. You okay?”
And that’s when you told me to leave you alone. I didn’t, obviously.
Would we be here today if I had left? I don’t think so. Silly, young, fucking cocky me thought that you didn’t actually want me to leave, and that’s why I stayed. But maybe you did, Zimms. Maybe you did.
Anyway, so I stayed, and you didn’t say anything so neither did I. And then it was time to ride back on the bus, and I had been sitting with Schwartzy before but he was being fucking loud that night and I kinda wanted the quiet. So I sort of just—sat next to you. Hell, I’m still laughing at the glare on your face when I did it. But you didn’t tell me to leave, and when I offered you one of my earbuds you took it because you didn’t have your own music to listen to.
Not gonna lie, Zimms, I was kind of surprised when you sat next to me for the next roadie, and the next one. And also—really happy, because the third time we sat together, Schwartzy said something dumb down in the back of the bus, and I can’t even remember what it was because that’s the first time you ever smiled at me. Smirked, really.
Everyone says I have a trademark smirk. No one knows that I actually that I picked it up from you, because you never let anyone else see it.
Um, I gotta go, I think you’re starting to wake up. I told your mom not to tell you I came, because I don’t think—fuck, Zimms, I don’t want you to tell me to leave again.
Because I think you would, if you knew I was here. Because it’s—fuck. It’s my fault, Zimms, it’s my fault, God…
So, bye, I guess. I’ll come back.
xXx
Hey, Zimms. I think Alicia thinks it’s weird that I’m here while you’re sleeping again. She always loved me though, so she’s letting it slide, thank God.
You’re getting discharged tomorrow. I don’t know if I’m gonna see you for a while after that, because I’m—I’m moving to fucking Vegas. I don’t even know if I like Vegas. And I knew we would have to split up after the draft, and I thought we were gonna be okay, Zimms, but I never thought it was gonna be like this—
Fuck, I’m so… mad, I guess. Not at you. Just at everything, and mostly myself, I think.
“Leave me alone.” You said that again, over and over when you would make excuses to go to the bathroom, and I did, I thought maybe if I didn’t hover over you then you would sort yourself out, because you didn’t want me there, but damnit Zimms I knew you were taking too many pills—
And my cowardly asshole self didn’t do anything. How’s that for friendship?
I dunno. Maybe you never wanted me there in the first place. If I was a better friend, maybe I would have tried to make you stop. But I didn’t, because I’m too selfish. I wanted you to tell me you loved me more than anything, because I said it all the time and you—you said you wanted to wait until you were sure. And I get that. But I wanted you to say it so bad, Zimms, I wanted you to look at me and smile and tell me you loved me, and so I didn’t tell anyone when I saw you taking those pills.
I thought it would make you hate me, if I told someone. But then, you might hate me anyway at this point. Fuck, I’m so—I wish things were different. I already miss you, you know.
You know, I was only really happy to go first for like, a millisecond? Because the minute I saw your face, I stopped wanting it. It wouldn’t have killed me to go second.
But it did nearly kill you.
Yeah, fuck, I think I was talking too loud, you’re starting to move. I wonder if you’d wake up if I kissed you? You always slept like you were dead to the world. That’s what I thought when I first saw you lying there, you know. I thought you were just taking a nap. Till I saw the bottle, that is.
All right, yeah, you’re gonna wake up soon. No kissing today. Probably—fuck, probably not ever, right? Oh God, that fucking hurts. I loved kissing you, Zimms, I—
I gotta g-go. Fuck. Bye, Zimms.
xXx
Well that fucking sucked. The first time I see you in years, and you shut me down like—like we were never friends. Like I was one of those dicks who would joke about you not getting laid, back in the Q, and they never knew that we were—fuck, Zimms, I just wanted to talk to you! I know you never answered my texts and maybe I should have called? But I thought if I called then you would tell me to leave you alone again. I thought it would have been harder for you to turn me away if I was there for real.
But I guess you did tell me to leave, didn’t you?
If it helps, I never wanted to go.
I feel like I’m falling, Zimms. I’m out here driving and I’m talking and pretending you’re there, even though I probably sound like a fucking maniac, because if I look over and you’re not there I’m gonna fucking break. So, how’s that? You pretend to be there, and I just—won’t look.
I’m sorry I came to see you after winning. I should’ve known you’d hate that. I didn’t mean to flaunt it in your face, honest. I just—it was sort of like a game, I guess. I thought if we won, then you would call me up on your own and I wouldn’t have to bother coming over there.
But you didn’t. I waited and I waited until I wasn’t even happy about winning anymore, I just wanted to talk to you so fucking much. I’d trade it all, Zimms. I’d take losing if it meant getting you back. Winning was always better when it was with you.
I—I’m still in love with you, I think. How fucking pathetic, right? But when I saw you, it was like I was finally happy again, and I didn’t even know I’d been miserable in the first place.
I guess you need time to cool off. And I need—well. You.
“You need better friends,” you told me once. I’ve got friends now, really great ones. I wish you could meet them. I think you guys would get along.
I think if I talk any more then I might start to cry, so I’ll stop. Maybe I’ll pretend you’re waking up, now, like those nights at the hospital.
Even though you h-hate me… fuck. I’m so glad you’re alive, Zimms. Even if you don’t ever wanna see me again.
xXx
Not gonna lie, I’m really fucking bitter, but I’m also really fucking guilty. Fuck, Zimms, you’re never going to want to talk to me again, never ever—I fucked it up so bad, Zimms.
I feel like I’m gonna fucking vomit. It’s not fun. Shit, I didn’t even drink that much, so it’s definitely the guilt that’s doing it. Have I apologized yet? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I wish you could hear me, but you’re not here. You’re probably in your room panicking, and I did that, I did that—
I never meant to hurt you. I hate myself a little for saying those things. A lot, actually, but being angry at myself won’t fix it.
Should I go back? I don’t think that’d help. Besides, you’ve got that blond kid there to lean on.
I think that might’ve been what did it. I’m really fucking petty, aren’t I? I just—fuck Zimms, he even looks like me! But he’s way nicer than I am, I could tell. He never would have said any of those things to you. And I—I did. I feel so disgusting, Zimms. Jack. Jack.
You don’t want me to miss you. I get it. I remind you of things, probably. But that doesn’t stop me from missing you, even though you’re probably not even the same person anymore, God.
So I guess that’s the last time? I don’t—I don’t think I can fix it anymore. I can’t—I don’t know what to do, I’ve been t-trying so hard and n-now, fuck Zimms, I can’t, I can’t, you’re never going to want to be my best friend again and I’m still fucking in love with you and I hate this!
Um, okay. I—I’m gonna. Stop.
You looked really happy, before you saw me. I’m glad you’re happy.
Maybe you’ve finally woken up.
xXx
Your boy called me today, Zimms. I’m going crazy. I don’t think you know either of those things, to be honest, but he called me and now I’m pacing around my apartment and I don’t know what to do?
He wants us to talk. He seems to think that it bothers you that we never talked, but I tried, and then I stopped trying and I thought I was over you but—hell no, I guess I’m not.
I’m scared. I really am.
Your boy is nice. I think I was probably rude to him, but he took it pretty well. He said he’d give me time to think about it.
I just don’t know.
xXx
He keeps talking to me, Zimms. And no, you don’t know about it. This whole thing with me and you must’ve really been bothering him. I wonder if he’s jealous? I dunno, I’m kind of a shitty person to be jealous of.
My teammates think I’m dating someone, because I’ve been texting him so often. Isn’t that funny? He is cute, I’ll grant you that much. Funny. I like him, as much as I kind of hate the idea of liking him.
I think one of these days, he’s gonna convince me to come talk to you.
We’ve got a game coming up in Boston next month.
xXx
“Leave me alone.”
“Jack,” Bitty frowns, his lip trembling. “I’m sorry, but. You really should talk to him.”
Jack looks at him, and more than anything he looks frightened. “Bitty—he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He stopped texting me, you know, and even though I never answered before he kept doing it for years.”
“Jack,” Bitty sighs. “I don’t think he stopped texting you because he doesn’t want to talk to you. I think he stopped texting you because you didn’t want to talk to him.”
“What?” Jack’s eyes widen. He looks caught off guard, like he’s on the edge of falling.
Bitty leans over and hugs him. “He misses you. He really does.”
“Really?” Jack relaxes just the smallest bit, but he’s still shaking.
“Really. He tells me that quite a lot, actually,” Bitty smiles ruefully.
There’s a moment of silence, and then Jack sighs. “You—you must have talked to him a lot, to have invited him over here.”
Bitty nods. “I—I have been. Sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“It’s okay,” Jack says, but he’s looking at Bitty funny.
“What?”
“What do you think about him?” Jack asks pensively.
Bitty bites his lip. “I like him a lot. Wouldn’t have invited him otherwise.”
“Bitty?”
“Huh?”
“What if—“ Jack stops and bows his head. “Would you hate me if I was still in love with him?”
“No, sweetheart, of course I wouldn’t,” Bitty shakes his head. He swallows down all his fear and uncertainty because honestly—he’d kind of already known.
Jack shivers, but then slowly his shaking stops. “I love you,” he murmurs, looking back up at Bitty with shining eyes.
“I love you,” Bitty says back.
Leaning back into the couch, they wait for him to arrive.
xXx
I’m so happy, Zimms. I’m so fucking happy, it’s just—unbelievable. I don’t even know how this happened.
Bitty’s good for you. I think he’s good for me too, honestly. We haven’t been that relaxed around each other since before the draft started fucking things up.
But I—wow, fuck. I can’t believe he let me kiss you. I can’t believe you wanted to kiss me. Probably the happiest and strangest moment of my life.
I dunno where we’re going from here, but for now you and Bitty are asleep, and I’m out here—huh. Maybe I’ll be able to actually talk to you now, instead of pretending like this.
I—
The screen door opens with a clang. “Kent?”
I expected it to be you, but it’s Bitty, stepping out onto the deck and looking at me like he’s trying not to laugh.
“Are you talking to yourself?” Bitty yawns.
“Nah,” I say, even though I totally was.
“Right,” Bitty says. He still hasn’t put most of his clothes back on, even though the sun is rising and your neighbors will probably wake up soon.
He’s raising his eyebrows now. He’s caught me looking, heh.
“Don’t you even think about it,” he says, and I’m a little sad but he’s still smiling. “Breakfast first. Then we can talk.”
“Talk,” I say, and I grin at him and he blushes.
I like his blush, Zimms. You did good.
We walk in the house and there you are, looking at us and smiling and also not wearing anything except your boxers, and whoops, there goes my self-control. Almost.
But when I walk forward you hug me and Bitty’s hand is patting my arm and this is really, really great. I’m so happy.
So I say it. “I’m so happy,” I murmur into your shoulder, and when I pull away you’re grinning at both of us and—I’ve never seen you smile like that, Zimms.
And I feel—complete. I was happy before, but there was always that part of me that missed you, missed you so much that it still kinda hurts to think about it. But I think things are gonna be better now.
I must have zoned out, because you open your mouth and say “I love you,” and I figured you were talking to Bitty but you’re looking at me—
My throat is all tight. “Jack—“ What about Bitty, I’m thinking? But I look over at him and he’s still smiling. He knew, and I kind of—I’m glad he knows, because that means we might all be okay together, and that’s basically my idea of heaven if I’m being honest.
And you’re pulling me in and holding me and I feel so alive, Jack. “I love you so much,” I say, and I’m definitely not getting teary-eyed. I just love you a whole lot. So, so much.
I’m so proud of you for waking up, for finding the stuff that makes you happy and just living, Zimms. But you know what? I think maybe I just woke up too.