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They decided to try for a baby in April of last year. By May, Buck was off his contraceptives and in June, it was a hit. Two weeks after his ovulation he had a positive pregnancy test in his hands.
It’s been over a year since their first positive pregnancy test. Buck couldn’t believe it, pregnant on the first try! 2-3 weeks the test had said. He was overjoyed, and when he told Tommy he had tears in his eyes of happiness as he picked Buck up and hugged him.
1 week
That’s how long he was pregnant, 1 week after that first positive test the cramping and bleeding started. Terrified, he called the doctor, but he was told there was nothing to do but wait. “It could be an implantation bleeding” she had said. But he knew, Buck knew exactly what was going on. He was losing their child, if he could even call a barely 6 week embryo that.
But, it was for him! Their child was already there, he could already see them as a family, sitting at their table having dinner, Tommy and him both holding one small hand while walking through the zoo, going on holidays together.
Not fully understanding why, but when the bleeding got heavier he felt a sort of dirty, not even a shower could wash it away. Online he read that most people felt that way. He couldn’t stop crying, didn’t want to come out of bed. He ended up finding some comfort in the science behind miscarrying. It meant he was very suddenly loosing all of his happy hormones. It meant that his body was basically in the same hormonal state as a person battling depression. Though unlike a depression, it would take less time for the hormones to balance back to normal.
He was thankful for Tommy being there for him, both of them taking time off work to process this, but he always had the sense he could never really make Tommy understand. No one could. Not even others who had been in this situation. 1 in 4 he read, he stood in the grocery store one day with at least 8 people in the same isle. Statistically, that meant some one else in that isle had gone through this. He wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or not.
It took 5 days for the bleeding to stop and after a week he started to feel a little better. He went back to work, where no one but Chim and Bobby knew the real reason he had been gone.
Eventually he told more people though, Hen, Eddie, they all noticed something going on.
The hardest thing in the beginning was smiling and not getting angry at some of their well meant words.
“At least you know you can get pregnant” was probably the toughest to hear. He wanted to yell sometimes, if he can get pregnant, why couldn’t he have stayed pregnant?! He never did though. He mostly just replied with “Yeah, that’s true.”
Their third try was a faint positive, he knew he shouldn’t have tested early but the waiting got the better of him and there it was; a faint positive line on the first, second and third test he took. Scared to be happy this time he let it go. When the cramping started once again he hated himself for testing. Promising himself he wouldn’t do it again. He almost didn’t tell Tommy, wanting to keep him from the heartbreak. But Tommy came home from shift that night, took one look at Buck’s face and knew something was wrong.
After their fourth try, they went to see their family doctor. He then referred them to a fertility clinic. He explained that they would, under normal circumstances, wait at least a year to refer couples to a fertility clinic but, because Buck was 34 years old now and with Tommy turning 40 soon he decided they would skip the wait.
At the clinic the fertility doctor agreed with their family doctor’s standpoint and ordered multiple tests. After weeks of waiting, the results came in, they didn’t find anything wrong.
Nothing to worry about. Easier said then done Buck thought.
They decided to take a break from trying for a couple of months, both feeling the need to put their minds on something else for a while. Allowing both of them some rest.
Maddie told them in November, she was pregnant. Buck was genuinely happy for her, but sad for him and Tommy. That night Tommy held him, crying until he was to tired and fell asleep.
The holidays went by quick and come January they were ready to try again. In April Maddie gave birth, and it stirred up new feelings, but he found that he was mostly happy. When July rolled around, a year after their first miscarriage, they still weren’t successful.
Sometimes Buck worried that this was going to put a strain on his relationship with Tommy. Being Buck he had done his research and he had read about relationships ending because of this. But, and he wasn’t sure if should have been surprised, Tommy was there with him, and he never made him feel like he was to much. He did gently nudge him to stop using google so much.
In September they went back to the clinic. They redid most of the tests and still, nothing was found to be wrong with him or Tommy. No reason he couldn’t get pregnant. The doctor gave them two options, they could keep trying or, they could start IVF. She would give them sometime to think about it but Buck already had his mind made up. And so they decided to take the next step. Something he never thought he was ever going to need. But he was happy, or maybe relieved was a better word, IVF did give them a higher change of a successful pregnancy.
In November he started with the hormone injections and even though he knew those two weeks were going to be filled with side effects he did not expected them to be this bad. He had constant headaches, felt dead tired all day and he had literally cried over spilled milk while making himself a coffee. But he hoped, this was going to all worth it. And so even the faint bruises on his stomach where Tommy would inject him every day started to become little blobs of hope.
After 10 days he went to the hospital where they did an ultrasound. The follicles were growing nicely and he had to back every day for a new ultrasounds until they grew big enough. 14 days after starting the hormones he was giving the okay to take the last one, the HCG.
The egg retrieval was horrible. Firstly the HCG injection made him nauseous and feeling unwell, secondly the morphine IV he was given wasn’t nearly enough to not make him feel the pain. Tommy tried to talk him through it, bless him, and it did work a little and after fifteen very long minutes later it was done.
12 eggs! They had 12 eggs! They had to wait for 5 days to see which embryo’s successfully made it to the blastocyst stage and to say the wait was nerve racking was an understatement.
The day before thanksgiving, 5 days after the egg retrieval Buck got a call from the fertility’s office. 7 embryo’s made it. Buck couldn’t stop smiling, Tommy couldn’t stop crying. The office told him he could come in the next day for a fresh transfer.
Thanksgiving day, they went to the clinic in the morning and he was surprised at how easy the transfer was. They were in there for maybe 10 minutes. That evening they ate with their family, hoping that next year there would be an extra seat at the table.
They were told that 10 days after their transfer they could take a pregnancy test. So at day 9 Tommy and him went to the drug store to buy one, stopping by a small display with baby accessory’s and two rompers – one blue and one pink. They bought one of each, Tommy calling it “a piece of faith.” Buck was scared buying baby clothes might jinx it but seeing Tommy’s face made him fold.
The next morning came, both of them woke early, they knew by now that the first time you go to the bathroom was the best moment for testing so that’s what they did. Buck put the test down on the sink and walked to their kitchen to the smell of fresh coffee.
“Only decaf for me from now on.” Buck had said after their very first attempt. He took two sips of his coffee before he realized that the nerves swirling around his stomach were too much to drink more. Judging by Tommy’s face, he was feeling the same. A little ding let them know the five minutes of advised waiting time was up.
“Will you go?” Buck asked Tommy. “I’m too nervous.”
Tommy took his face in between his hands and kissed his forehead. “Of course baby.” He said.
Buck watched Tommy go in to the hallway and emerge within seconds. He tried to read Tommy’s face but found himself unable to. Probably because he wanted to spare himself any possible heartbreak.
“And?” He carefully asked. But then he noticed the ear to ear smile on Tommy’s face.
“It’s positive. Baby, it’s positive!”
Buck flew into Tommy’s arms. He looked into Tommy’s eyes, and noticed the happy tears in his eyes that he definitely shared with him. He took Tommy’s hand to look at the test and there was no faint line this time. This line was a lovely shade of dark pink next to the same shade of the testing line. He couldn’t believe it! He also couldn’t believe that he would ever feel this happy again seeing a positive pregnancy test.
When he was 8 weeks along they had their first appointment for an ultrasound. The doctor showed them the sack with a small little blob in there. But when she hummed Buck felt his heart drop only to be thrown into joy again after second which felt like hours when she asked them if they wanted to hear the heartbeats. “Heartbeats?!” Tommy had said, comically loud with wide eyes. Buck was equally in shock. Two babies, identical twins.
The swishing sounds of the heartbeats were the most beautiful sound Buck had ever heard.
The doctor left them alone for a moment and Tommy told him “See, those rompers definitely were our good luck charms.”.
“Yeah, those two rompers even gave us two babies.” He took Tommy’s hand and put it on his lower stomach over his own. “You’re safe with us, keep growing little ones. Your daddy and I already love you more than anything.” They shared a small kiss and eventually left the office with a few pictures of their ultrasound in hand. Ready to start the rest of their lives as a family of four.