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she realizes she likes girls when she was in her third year of middle school. being around multiple girls in the orphanage didn't help, but she never had a crush on any of them.
the first red flag was during her second year of middle school when some girls in the orphanage that she was close with snuck inside her room to watch a romance movie together. everyone gushed over the male lead while her face was stuck in a grimace, not at all pleased with the male lead’s looks, personality, or actions. her eyes were always glued onto the female lead, not understanding that it was out of the norm for a teenage girl to appreciate a woman more than a man.
“seulgi! you've been quiet. did you like the movie?” her friend, soojin, asked with a big grin on her face. the rest of the girls turned to face seulgi, awaiting her response.
“t-the actress looked… nice…” she stammered, tilting her head down with every word she spoke, hating how all the attention was on her suddenly.
groans and complaints filled the room, a quick shh! being heard to quiet the girls down and to avoid being caught outside their respective rooms.
“she wasn't even paying attention!”
“hey! did you not see that handsome man blessing the screen every time he popped up!?”
“we ask her this question every time and every time we get the same answer!”
“she always pays attention to the girls more than what's happening in the movie!”
seulgi uncrossed her legs and pulled them up to her face, planting her tilted face into her knees in embarrassment.
“hey! leave her alone. we need to go to sleep anyway, i'm tired.” soojin removed herself from seulgi’s side, standing up to stretch like a cat.
the other girls followed suit, saying their goodbyes and good nights to one another. it’s only when seulgi heard her room door close did she lift her head up from her knees. she felt her cheeks heating up—
“seulgi.”
seulgi yelps, opening her eyes in shock as she whipped her head towards the voice. soojin was still besides her, but now standing above her. seulgi felt like prey–something she knows all too well, dealing with bullies and all–and soojin, the predator. this was the first time in seulgi’s life she's ever been afraid of someone she considered a friend and she didn't like it.
“do you like girls?”
seulgi froze. she knew that liking the same gender wasn't too fond of anyone, especially in school. all crushes and relationships revolved around boy and girl; man and woman. boys would goof around with each other, touching one another or say something that always ended their shenanigans in laughter with a comment being “that's gay.” girls would compliment another girl and her friend would ask did she like her. it always ended the conversation with an “ew, no. that's gay.” it was always exclaimed with harshness, so seulgi assumed gay was something she shouldn't be.
no, of course not! why do you think that?
or
ew, no.
is what tries to come out of seulgi’s mouth when she opens it, but all she could get out was a shaky “what?”
soojin sighed, sitting back down next to seulgi. “i asked, do you like girls? i'm just curious.”
seulgi lets out a sharp breath, closing her eyes briefly to regain her thoughts. “...no. no, i don't.” she opened her eyes to find soojin looking at her intensely. not like how the female lead would look at the male lead when she finally realizes she’s in love with him, but a look that left seulgi feeling trapped.
their staring contest lasted a few seconds
(to seulgi, a few hours)
and all that came out of soojin’s mouth was a small hum. she stood up again, grabbing the remote to turn the tv off, and walked towards her bed. seulgi soon followed suit after a few seconds of realizing she was still on the floor just watching soojin’s every move. seulgi laid down in her own bed and covered her whole body with her blanket, feeling the urge to hide herself and her thundering heartbeat away from soojin.
“i'm just saying…” seulgi hears soojin start, but never finish. after a few seconds, she slowly takes the covers away from her face, turning her head towards soojin who's still sitting on the edge of her bed, eyeing seulgi. “i'm fine with it.”
“...fine with what?”
“you liking girls.”
“i don't.” seulgi replies a bit too fast.
the both of them don't say anything for a while, studying each other with just their eyes. soojin backs down after a minute, finally laying down in her bed with a small “okay.”
seulgi doesn't like okay. she hates it, she realizes. she feels vulnerable and she despises it. she watches soojin turn her back from her, pulling the covers up to her shoulders and most likely closing her eyes. why did soojin ask? why does soojin assume that? what does soojin know that she doesn't?
the silence is unbearable when seulgi decides that she's been staring at soojin’s back for far too long. “why- do you think i do?” the words fly out of seulgi's mouth before she can stop them. there's no response and soojin doesn't budge, so seulgi assumes she's dead to the world. she sighs—
“i'm noticing things.”
seulgi’s breath hitches — suddenly in need of some water because as she swallows, her throat is still dry.
“w-what… things..?”
“you never look comfortable when we start talking about boys, you take care of us like you were casted as the picture-perfect male lead, and i'm your best friend; i can notice when something changes about you.”
now that soojin has laid it all out, seulgi starts recounting all the instances soojin just referred to, realizing that maybe it's not normal for a teenage girl to feel or do those things.
“that doesn't really mean anything, though.” seulgi denys. not every woman had to like talking about men all day and friends could help their other girl friends out!
“did you miss the part where i said that i’m your best friend?” soojin chuckles, finally turning her body towards seulgi. seulgi does the same, starting to feel at ease when she sees soojin's small smile.
“i don't really know if i… like them though.”
“no pressure. i was just saying it was kind of ‘out of the norm' for a girl to do that,” soojin air quotes. “you might not even like them. not every girl likes to hear about nasty, immature boys all the time and a girl can do a man’s job sometimes!”
seulgi smirks and soojin’s smile grows bigger. “well, i do think some women on screen are pretty… and there have been a few girls in school that look pretty, but then their personality ruins it.”
“i get it. so many girls that i want to try and be friends with but then they turn out to be a bitch.”
bitch is said with so much hatred it has seulgi burst out in laughter, having to cover her mouth so as to not alert the nuns. soojin follows suit, giggling at how the vulgar word tickled seulgi’s stomach. the laughter dies down after a few moments and seulgi realizes she should thank her friend.
“thanks, soojin,” seulgi says softly. “for still wanting to be my friend.”
“of course. just… i don't like girls, okay? sorry.”
seulgi’s eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. “for what?”
“w-well, i kind of helped you realize something about yourself and i don't want to be a part of a romance cliché where the female lead realizes something about herself only because the male leads helps her come to the realization and she starts having a crush on him!”
seulgi sighs at the words romance cliché, rolling her eyes at where this conversation was going. “soojin, breathe. i do not like you.”
“oh, good,” soojin takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “wait, i feel weird. my heart feels like it just got stabbed. is this my first rejection?”
seulgi giggles, turning her back towards soojin. “go to sleep, i’m exhausted.”
seulgi hears soojin gasp dramatically. “hey! you just rejected me and all you can think about is going to sleep?”
“goodnight!”
seulgi hears soojin huff and a rustle of bedsheets behind her. “goodnight.”
that night, seulgi doesn't conclude that she likes girls, she just knows that she's not the one for boys. she researches what it means to like a girl when you are a girl and finds out there's a term for it: lesbian. she repeats the word a few times before realizing that some of her classmates would use that exact word with ill-intent towards her, another bullied classmate, or with their friends. she grimaces, that disgust for the word gay
(or for herself?)
now being joined with lesbian. clearly, liking the same gender you're born with is morally wrong, so who is soojin to say she “likes” girls? why was she even listening to soojin? seulgi never researches about lesbians again and begins to hate herself for even thinking about her sexuality.
(another word she learned during her research)
+
(there's no second red flag. seulgi just pushes down her feelings for a female classmate she's been admiring for a while because she finally understands that soojin was right. she never acts on her feelings and before entering high school, she told herself that who she likes is irrelevant; that she needs to focus on her studies so she can leave the orphanage and find her dad. she'll never have a chance anyway, so what's the point of worrying about something so insignificant?)