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"Is Kaidan okay, John?"
Dropping onto a kitchen chair a little more heavily than I planned, I wince at the sharp pain in my hip, but push it aside. "Yeah. He thought he might be getting a migraine so he just wanted to lie down for a little while, maybe head it off. I offered to stay with him, but sometimes he just needs to bury his head in the pillow in a dark room."
"It was a hard day for him."
"Yeah, for all of us."
"Can I make you a cup of tea?"
I start to say no, but realize I would like that, and she might need to be doing something. "That would be good, thanks. With just..."
"With just honey, I know."
That makes me smile. She knows me pretty well by now. "And only if you'll sit down and join me for a few minutes."
After a moment, she nods and pours another cup. She brings a plate of cookies to the table with her. "They're honey oatmeal cookies – Kaidan’s grandmother Natalia used to bake them. Isla made these and left us the extras. I told her to take them home to Sean and Grace, but she said they’d already sampled plenty from that batch."
I don't eat a lot of sweets, but I try one and it's pretty good. "Nice and chewy. It was good of her to come. That's kind of a long drive."
"She wouldn't have missed it for the world. Michael was very much like a father to her."
Elena sighs softly as she adds honey to her tea as well. I guess I'm a bad influence. And she looks tired. I've seen the same look in Kaidan's eyes and written in the lines on his forehead.
"How are you holding up, Elena? You've been running around making sure everyone was taken care of."
"I'm fine, thanks. I'm better off being busy, I guess. Just now that it's all over, I'm out of things I need to do. Unless you two need something?" She sounds almost hopeful of that.
She's resting her head on one hand, stirring her tea with the other. "No, we need you to take a little time for yourself. This isn't any easier on you that it is on Kaidan. And I know it's not at all easy for him."
"You're taking such good care of my little one, John. He'd be lost without you." She takes a sip of her tea before continuing. "He was."
It takes me a moment to realize what she's talking about. I never knew how much or how little Kaidan had ever shared with his family about my death. I just know he'd said he couldn't talk about it to anyone right away after it happened.
"Yeah. I know. He's told me it was a pretty rough time for him. I can't even imagine how I would feel to lose him. I came close to it once..."
She looks up, meeting my eyes. "When he was injured on a mission right after the Reapers attacked Vancouver? When he ended up in the hospital on the Citadel?"
"Yes. I carried him back to the Normandy myself, scared to death he wouldn't make it to the hospital. I was a mess… devastated at the thought of losing him... and I didn't even know how he felt about me then. I just knew how I felt... and it was terrifying."
"I didn't realize it was that close a call. I guess he played it down some... he would. To keep me from worrying,"
When she starts to lift her teacup, I notice her hand trembling a little. She sets it down untouched and I reach for her hand across the table and wrap mine around it. So small compared to Kaidan's familiar hand.
"I don't know... I don't know how I could have borne losing both of them..."
"Elena, it's okay... it's okay to grieve... nothing wrong with tears. Your son taught me that. He must have learned it from you and Michael. You've told me I'm family.... you know you can talk to me if you want to... I've been told I'm a good listener."
She wipes a hand across her eyes in a smaller version of a gesture I've seen Kaidan use so often. "You are family. You're my other son. I wish... I wish Michael could have known you. I wish he could have seen how happy his son is when he's with you. He worried so much about Kaidan, wanting him to be happy, to have a full life... to find someone."
I squeeze her hand lightly. "He did... in his own time and way. You know, I can't imagine how you feel losing Michael. I wish I had known him too."
She picks up the teacup again, her hand more steady this time. "Grief is so unpredictable. I think I wrote about that to Kaidan once... You're fine and then something triggers a memory. A smell, a song... a flavour..."
"Today must have been hard then, with so many memory triggers... the Ukrainian food, the music... even the orchard itself.
She nods, but is silent for long moments, sipping the tea. "Life and death are like black and white. In my mind, Michael existed in the grey area in between... in the uncertainty."
My reply slips out unbidden. “In your hope... in Kaidan's hope. Trading that hope for certainty could release a second wave of grieving. I think maybe you need to let yourselves mourn for that loss."
"You should listen to him, Mom."
"Little one... I didn't hear you come downstairs. Are you feeling better?"
Kaidan pulls another kitchen chair close to both of us. "Yeah, better enough not to want to be alone." He rests a hand on my arm, my hand still wrapped around Elena's. "I need to be with you both right now."
Slipping my hand from hers, I wrap my arm around Kaidan and lean in to kiss his temple. "I'm here... for both of you."
Elena leans over to kiss Kaidan's other cheek. "My family."