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"Great dinner, Mom.”
Kaidan pushes back his chair just a bit, enough to stretch his legs out in front of him and rest a hand on his belt.
“I knew you’d like it, little one. A thick juicy steak, barely warm in the middle? It had your name written all over it.” I shake my head, laughing a little. He has his father’s taste. John and I appreciated a little more time on the grill when it came to our own steaks. “I saved those steaks for your last night here, a special treat for my boys.”
Kaidan reaches across the corner of the table to squeeze my hand. “The sweet potato fries were good too. You didn’t need to go to any trouble…” I catch a glance between the two of them before he continues. “Would you like a cup of tea? And did you save room for a bite of dessert?”
He and John had been busy in the kitchen earlier this afternoon. Kaidan would say only that he was giving a cooking lesson, sharing some family recipes. Leaving them to it, and taking advantage of a sun break, I took a short walk through the orchard before the clouds rolled in again. I ended up in the music room, where the etudes I was playing morphed into an improvisation that reflected the weather outside, sounding a little melancholy even to me. So I switched to playing Bach. I can always lose myself in Bach.
The smells wafting from the kitchen confirmed my suspicion about the nature of the cooking lesson – the unmistakeable aroma of an apple pie made me smile into the music. Of course. Kaidan has always loved my apple pie… There’s nothing unique about it, but he’d asked me to teach him to make it, back when he was a teenager. It was one of the few times he’d stayed for more than a day with us here after returning from BAaT, no longer a child but a troubled young man searching for peace… and for himself. I still treasure that day, both of us smudged with flour and the kitchen smelling like cinnamon and apples. And he was smiling. An interesting choice to teach John, but they seemed to be enjoying themselves.
“Mom?” I must have hesitated a little too long, lost in thoughts.
“Yes, of course, little one. I’ve always got room for a cup of tea and a sliver of pie.”
John gets up to help him clear the dinner dishes, motioning for me to stay where I am. “We’ve got this, Elena. Just give us a minute.”
“I can help – you probably want to make an espresso too, don’t you, Kaidan?”
“It won’t take long, but yeah… need my coffee at the end of a good meal.”
As the two of them disappear into the kitchen, I’m a little surprised by the lack of their usual light banter. As much as they’re apparently trying to keep their voices down, the bits I’m overhearing are a little worrisome. “... not sure we should leave yet, Kaiden… all alone here… Yeah, I know... even the music…”
“You two can stop whispering about me. I can hear, you know.”
That brings both of them to the doorway, looking suitably embarrassed. John is carrying the pie and sets it on the table before returning to the kitchen to get the teapot. Kaidan sinks back onto his chair, silently stirring sugar into his coffee, his ears noticeably pink.
Rubbing at his neck awkwardly, John breaks the silence, looking up to meet my eyes. “I’m sorry. That was rude. We were just… well…”
Kaidan picks up the sentence as John’s voice trails off and he focuses on adding honey to his tea. “It’s just that we aren’t sure we should leave you here alone, Mom. So soon, you know? We don’t have to go back to Vancouver tomorrow. It was just a tentative plan… if you’d like us to stay on for a few more days, a week or so even, we’re glad to do that. Nothing pressing at home...”
I reach for Kaidan’s hand to stop the torrent. “I’ll be fine. Thank you both for worrying about me – I appreciate it – but really, I’m fine. I’ve been on my own before, you know.”
Kaidan’s voice is very quiet. “It’s harder when you know someone isn’t coming back… when there seems to be no end to the loneliness… when the days stretch out ahead of you, all empty… I don’t know... Just think about it, okay?”
John scoots his chair closer to Kaidan and rests a hand on his forearm, stroking slowly as their eyes meet and they seem to share a very private moment.
“Actually, there was only one time when it really bothered me to be alone.”
I accept the slice of pie that John hands me and taste it before answering his unspoken question about what I’d just said. “This is delicious… compliments to both of the bakers!”
“My first pie ever! I had a good teacher… and he said that he did too.”
It would be easy to let the moment go, but John and Kaidan both have questions in their eyes. I take a deep breath after a small sip of tea. “I was living in Singapore. Pregnant with you, little one. And Michael was on deployment. Usually those were short trips and we stayed in close touch. But that time it was longer… and they were out of comm contact. He couldn’t tell me much about the new mission, of course, so I feared the worst. What if he never came home?”
Kaidan reaches for my hand again. “That sounds pretty rough.”
His hand is comforting… I can’t help but compare those strong fingers with the tiny fists we’d seen on the scans back then - the scans that told us that Kaidan was going to be Kaidan and not Kalyna. “What did I know about babies? I was a musician… an only child myself. I’d never grown up around infants. Michael at least had a sister and cousins… I was relying on us getting through this together. What had we gotten ourselves into? I really didn’t know if I could do it all on my own. And then there was that eezo exposure incident... ”
“Aww, Mom… I never knew that. But Dad came home before I was born, right?”
“Yes, he did. And he gave me a letter he’d hand-written but never had a chance to send. It said he’d decided that when that deployment was over, he was going to request a transfer to the Reserves, back in Vancouver.”
John looks a little surprised. “He was going to give up his military career?”
“Put it on the side-burner, yes. When he was young, he didn’t see much of his own military father. His mother… and their extended family… raised him and his sister. He didn’t want that for his own son. We’d been trying for some time to get pregnant.” I squeeze Kaidan’s hand before releasing it to drink the last sip of tea. “It finally happened and you were getting close to arriving in the world. He wanted to be there. It meant so much that he wanted that. I wouldn’t have asked it of him. It was his choice, his gift to me and our son.” I blink away a few tears, wiping the back of my fingers across my eyes.
John’s voice is soft as he traces the rim of his teacup with a fingertip. “Seems like he loved you very much… both of you.”
I can only nod agreement, not trusting my voice right now. It would be so easy to get lost in the memories. Kaidan has been silently chewing at his lower lip. “Sounds like he knew what was most important to him and found a way to do the right thing…” He pauses and glances at John before returning his gaze to me. “Otherwise he’d have been torn… wanting to serve but needing to be with you too. But I dunno… maybe he had to revisit that choice that day the Reapers hit Vancouver…”
The sigh escapes before I can stop it. Kaidan is right. “Yes… he said as much on the shuttle to drop me off back here at the orchard – that this time he knew his duty was there… to defend, to protect. He told me he knew I was strong.” I look up to meet Kaidan’s dark eyes. Not Michael’s eyes… his are uniquely his own. “And he said he was proud of you, little one… and he hoped you’d be proud of him too.”
“Oh, Mom… you know I alway was…” His hand has sought and found John’s and I have to look away. I can only imagine the turmoil the two of them had faced in the last days and hours of the war. It’s never easy being left behind, even when it’s the right choice… or the only choice.
John waits until I lift my eyes from my empty cup. He offers more tea and I accept, still in silence. “Elena… if this is too personal, you can tell me so… but how did you and Michael meet?”
Yes, it’s personal, but this whole conversation has been intensely personal. There’s something about John Shepard that makes me trust him. He really listens… and I’ve noticed that once he asks about something, he doesn’t keep sprinkling in additional questions. He lets the answer come as it will. He also never reveals much of himself in the process… something worth exploring some time.
After a pause long enough to add milk and sugar to my second cup of tea, I finally answer his question..
"Vivaldi...The Four Seasons... I think it was Winter."
John looks a little puzzled. That probably wasn't what he expected when he asked me how Michael and I met.
"I was playing my cello one afternoon. The Singapore Symphony was doing a series of outdoor concerts at dusk in one of the parks, and I wanted to get used to playing outside. And get my instrument acclimated as well. So I found a quiet spot in the park and began to practice. I might have gotten a little oblivious to my surroundings... it happens."
"So you had an audience you didn't notice?"
"Exactly. When I paused to look around, I saw a dark-haired young Alliance officer leaning against a tree not too far away. Our eyes met briefly and he smiled. I began to play another piece and he stayed... and stayed through yet another."
Kaidan smiles at that... a smile so like his it makes my heart ache. "I guess he liked what he was hearing."
"So it seemed. People did sometimes stop to listen. But when he didn't wander off after a few pieces, I got a little self-conscious... probably wasn't playing my best. I kept glancing up to see if he was still there."
"Did he ever say anything? Can't blame you for being a little uncomfortable."
"Eventually he did, John. When I was finished for the day and started packing up my cello, he came over to say hello and to thank me. He had a warm voice. He told me his name and asked if I'd be performing anywhere soon." I risk getting lost in the memory. "Because he didn't ask, I offered him my name along with a flier for the Symphony in the Park series."
"Did he show up?"
"Oh yes.” I remember being only a little surprised at seeing him at the refreshment stand during the intermission. "For all four concerts."
I’m probably smiling, remembering that first night, not wanting to be obvious, but curious if he would come over to say hello.
“Lemonade.”
Kaidan’s eyebrow asks the question for both of them. “Michael noticed me eyeing the long line at the concession stand during the intermission of the first concert. And he brought me a lemonade. He apologized for it not being wine, but said he thought I might not want to drink before having to play the second half of the program. He said he was looking forward to the Vivaldi.”
I’m not sure Kaidan has ever heard much of this before. Maybe it’s time to share some of it.
“Dad always liked Vivaldi… maybe now I know why.” There’s that smile again.
“He liked Mozart too, and the last of those concerts was his favorite. At some point after we’d met a couple times again – by chance of course – at my outdoor practice spot, he asked if I’d join him for coffee and dessert after the next concert. We talked for a long time that night… about music, the concerts, even a bit about ourselves I guess. He told me he played the french horn. ‘Not well, mind you, but I keep trying.’ The final concert was going to feature the Mozart Quintet for horn, violin, 2 viola and cello.
Kaidan is nodding. “No wonder he was looking forward to that one.” He probably remembers hearing recordings of the Quintet on Michael’s omnitool.
“So was I – it was a big opportunity for a young cellist. And I thought I was nervous before knowing his interest in it. No pressure, right?”
John chuckles and murmurs something to Kaidan that sounds suspiciously like ‘Talk about performance anxiety…’ Kaidan’s cheeks turn pink and he huffs a very audible, and horrified, ‘Shepard this is my mother!’ Which only makes John laugh again and me along with him. Kids. They think they invented it all.
“The horn player was Alfred Dornoch… one of the best. I suspected Michael would never ask, but would enjoy getting to meet him, so I invited him to accompany me to the post-concert reception. He got to meet his music idol and we both got to drink champagne and eat fancy canapés. I guess that was our first real date.”
“Sounds like you had plenty of dates before that, Mom. Coffee, lemonade, dessert, practice in the park… seems like you were both falling hard.”
“He worried about what to wear to an event like that. Said he had no formalwear. I told him his dress blues would be perfect. I guess i was wearing something a little nicer than my standard concert dress, since I was playing in the Quintet. Michael asked someone at the reception - a waiter maybe – to take a picture of us together. He kept that on his omnitool too, always.
Kaidan’s voice is quiet. “I remember that photo… dark blue dress. You both looked so young and happy.”
“We were. We moved in together at the end of that summer. And all the rest just happened.”
“Did you ever play together? Cello and french horn?”
“Sometimes, John… after we moved back to Vancouver. He didn’t have his horn with him in Singapore.”
“Yeah, hard to fit that into an Alliance personal cargo allowance. Not room there for much more than a harmonica.”
“I wrote out some arrangements for music we could play together. He’d stopped taking music lessons when he left school, but I think we sounded pretty good together.”
“Did you record any of that, Mom? I’d love to hear it sometime.”
I shake my head. “Sadly, very little. Michael was pretty self-conscious about his playing. I only have a few recordings… my favorite is one I recorded during one of our practice sessions - we were improvising on the Pachelbel Canon and it sounded so good to me. I hit record on my omnitool.”
“Do you still have that?”
“I do. I’ll play it for you sometime.”
“Thanks. That would mean a lot... a side of Dad that i never really knew.”
I exchange a smile with them both. “I miss him so much, little one… so much. But it’s good to talk about him.”
John’s next question makes me think. “Is listening to those recordings too hard?”
The answer comes easily. “No, it makes me think about him though… in a good way. About us. We were doing something together that we both loved. The memories are good ones. I sometimes play them when it’s hard to fall asleep.”
Kaidan swallows hard and scoots his chair even closer to John’s… close enough for John to wrap an arm around his shoulder. His comment is so quiet I almost miss it. “He can still help you fall asleep… that’s something to be grateful for.”
“Oh yes. I’m not really alone, little one.”