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The lower level of Spike's blown up crypt. Spike is kicking stuff around, moping and evaluating the damage. Buffy arrives downstairs.
Buffy: Hello, Spike.
Spike: Oh, she's back. So was it the sex, the drooling over your ex, or the blowing up of my crypt that made you come back for more? Got to admit I'm more partial to the first one than the other two.
Buffy: Sorry to disappoint, Spike, but this is about me blowing up your crypt... Spike, I wish I didn't have to do that.
Spike(sarcastic, obviously hurt): Oh yeah? Grand. Like you wouldn't do it all over again.
Buffy(unwavering): You know I would.
Spike's face scrunches up before he looks down and turns around, his back to Buffy.
Buffy: You know I had to.
Spike: You had t-!!
Spike turns around again, in anger.
Spike: I'm perfectly aware, Buffy. Perfectly! Now before you rub it in, why don't I save you some time? The bloody critters had hatched, all of them a danger to the poor, innocent citizens of Sunnydale. Thankfully, the slayer swooped in to save everybody. And it's all Spike's fault for not refrigerating those eggs properly. Spike did something stupid and evil. Again. Like I don't bloody well know where we both stand on this. So did I get the gist of it? Of your white hat sermon?
Buffy: No, Spike. You didn't.
Buffy briefly looks down, pinching her lips.
Buffy: Spike... Were you - those eggs, did you do it for the money? Was this about me working at the Doublemeat Palace?
There is pain in her eyes as she looks up at him.
Spike(on the defensive): Pfft! Wha? You're off your bird! Do I even need a reason t- and why would it be bad, anyway, I can do what I damned well please! Had the suppliers got the hibernation temperature right, you would have had nothing to complain about! And if I had gotten the money, it would be up to me to spend it how I want. And I don't know how you get off, acting like you would have been too good for that money. There's plenty I give you you're not too good for.
Buffy(firm but subdued voice): I would have had something to complain about. If your plan had worked, those eggs would have been used to kill people.
Spike makes a frustrated expression, his inner turmoil evident.
Spike: And you think the buyers will just, what, give up now? Oh, we don't have these eggs, let's stop murdering the innocent?
Buffy: It doesn't mean you have to make it easy for them. Spike. I wouldn't have wanted help from that kind of money.
Spike lets out some exasperated screams, pacing the crypt in frustration, punching a walk in frustration.
Spike: You wouldn't have known about it! What do you care how I make money, you would have stayed clean. I wouldn't have put that kind of burden on you, I know... I know bloody well how you would have felt about it.
Buffy: I don't want that kind of help. You know what I do. Who I am. I can't do that. I won't, and I don't want to.
Spike: Oh, don't you say that to me. I know exactly who you are! Probably better than anyone in this world. And that's why I can't stand to see you having to kill yourself working over there! I mean, think about it, if you were less tired, maybe you could do some more world saving, you know? Have more time for Dawn? For yourself? Hate to tell you but you haven't exactly been the picture of health lately.
Buffy: I'm not going to repeat myself. Spike, you can't do these things.
Spike: Grrrr... Aaah! Woman! There's no one else coming to help you, you know? I'm all you got! Giles, Xander, Willow, all they want is for you to do the "responsible" thing until it kills you!
Buffy(in a self-depricating chuckle): You're not wrong.
Spike(a little thrown off): So??
Buffy: I'm painfully aware. That you're the only one who actually gets how hard things are for me. Who doesn't judge me.
As she says that, Spike approaches her in a mix of sympathy and confusion, attentive to her in a way only he can be. As he approaches she starts to push Spike away with her forearms, so weakly and with such a lack of convinction she ends up leaning on him, her head hung up.
Spike: Pet, what's wrong?
Buffy: What's wrong is that I actually sometimes almost feel like relying on you, until... Shit like today happens. I'm attracted to you like we're different poles of a magnet. But when I'm near you, I feel that you're a killer. My blood gets cold. And your body is cold, too. And I think I want to feel your skin against mine because it feels like death and I'm being self destructive. I trust you with parts of me I can’t even admit to myself and you're the person I trust least in this world. I can't ever let myself be happy around you because I know that if you didn't have the chip, you would take someone's life just for your enjoyment. Just for a snack. In fact, I know there were many times you did in the past, and you relished it. At least with other vampires it's straight forward, there's an honesty to it: we try to kill each other. When I think of you killing other people, my heart, my stomach… All of my organs go in knots.
Spike : Buffy… I...
Buffy : You’re the only person that numbs the pain for me, that makes it hurt right. And I know this is not the same to you, that you want us to be... But today you've endangered this whole town, and you didn't care for the damage that would have happened elsewhere if your plan had worked. You're still a monster anywhere Dawn or I are not directly concerned. So you see why I could never give you what you want?? And what I hate is there's a part of me that doesn't care. I can't forgive myself for it. You tell me I came back wrong, and I feel it. Not sun-tan like. Bones deep. It's eating me alive. It's making me feel like I want the monster inside you to hurt me. I should be dead, so I crave the vampire part of you. But you love me, and I see it in your eyes. And I hate it because it hurts in a whole new different way that I don't feel ready for. Even though it's probably the only reason I'm letting you get close to me.
Spike's arm contract around her, not knowing if they should hug her or get away from her. His expression is torn, conflicted.
Buffy: Sometimes, when I'm alone, I miss you, I remember how selfless you've been for me, how you've changed... And I just want to give in and let myself feel... Stronger, different feelings for you. And when I do, it hurts, and I resent you for it.
Spike opens and closes his mouth, not knowing what to say.
Buffy: And then I feel bad again because how dare I treat you like dirt when you endured torture to protect Dawn, when you stayed and protected her even when I was dead, even though you were in pain, out of devotion for me and her? When you also fought for months alongside everyone to protect innocent people, for no reward, even though you're a vampire? When I see every day in your eyes... that you would do anything for me? When I see that those eyes are so full of feelings, so different from the other vampires. And still, when I look at you back, I give you back coldness and indifference. I feel like I don't know how to do it differently. It feels wrong to keep you close, both because I see you as a monster, and because a part of me doesn't and I hate knowing that I'm hurting you. I see that I'm causing you pain, that I'm punishing you for my own mixed feelings. I hate each and every one of those mixed feelings in a different way. And I'm sorry I'm hurting you.
Spike(worried, tentatively reassuring, hugging her): Buffy... you don't need to... I...
Buffy: Spike. Stop. Don't tell me it's alright because it's not. Can't you see how even now you're trying to protect me while I'm just being selfish? This will destroy you one day. Please be angry with me. Rebel. Tell me how I'm hurting you. Tell me, please. I need you to. I can't stand hurting you.
Spike: Oh, is that right? Alright then. Pain? You want to hear about my pain? That sure is rich, coming from you! All of a sudden, you decide you care about Spike, do a 180 and want to hear me out? Just because you feel bad? How is that different from your usual selfishness?
She just looks at him.
Spike(whispers, worried, desperate to make her feel better): Like that?
She offers him a tiny, encouraging smile.
Spike (carrying on, steeling himself) : You know, you're right. I did help your friends all this time you were gone. Not to toot my own horn, but I even saved their lives a couple of times. And, you know, I kind of expected them to still give me the cold shoulder. It's you guys' white hats kind of way. No camaraderie with demons. Except for Anya, right? Or Angel, who, by the way, is the one who taught me everything I know about evil, and then some...
Spike stops hugging Buffy to pace around the blown up crypt.
Spike: And, by the way, these two stopped being evil because they stopped being demons, against their wills. I'm working for it. It should be a freaking wonder, it should make you guys question everything those watchers think they know about vampires!... Instead, the harder I try, the more everyone looks down on me. I got my pride, you know? And you... You, I know you see it. You're too close not to see. Yet when you come to me, you have the gall to be ashamed of it. Ashamed of what I am. But you always knew exactly what was in the package. And if I wasn't so happy you came to me, so thirsty for every drop of attention I get from you, I'd find it insulting. That's the thing, though. I look past everything because I love you and I forgive you before I even register that there's something to be upset about. And you know exactly what you're doing. You act like I don't matter. Like I'm a... thing. Which is ironic, considering you come to me because you've been feeling less and less human. But I guess if Spike is beneath you, then you're still something, right? Well bad news, pet! This dance you're doing with evil, it won't fix you! It will bring you down with me. And I've been evil, way more evil than this. I can go on forever. Hold you in my arms as we dance through the darkness. Believe me, you have the potential. You get the violence, you're a natural. Just gotta let your hair down. Let it slip in. And that would be fine, you know, why not?! But if you don't stop lying to yourself it's going to destroy you from the inside. And guess who'll be held responsible? Who will hate himself until the end of days for hurting you? You act as if all I want is to have sex with you- granted, it feels pretty fucking great. World changing, in fact. But this, this, being near you, holding you, it's so much more to me, because I love you. I've been pretty clear about that. Sometimes it's like you forget. But when I'm in your arms, I feel more like a man than I've ever felt in my life or unlife, and I need you to just... Acknowledge that. Even if you can't feel the same.
A silent tear is streaming on Buffy's face. Spike walks to her and wipes it off with his thumb.
Spike: Did I go too far, luv? I'm sorry, I just...
Buffy: I don't want you to feel sorry for me. You're right, you know? I see it too. And to be the sister Dawn deserves, the slayer I need to be, I need to... Confront my feelings. All of them. Especially the contradictory ones.
Spike (still brushing her cheek with his thumb): Right...
She hugs him, and there's a beat where they just stay like this, in a tight embrace.
Buffy: I've been stuck. I didn't know what I wanted, -still don't- I haven't been there for Dawn, for my friends, I haven't been the slayer Giles wants me to be, I have a fucking hard time just keeping a roof above our heads, I'm a dropout, I don't know where I'm going, and I can't give you... Anything. I've been so unfair to you. I've lashed out at you. Been cruel. I've been using you... And it's killing me. I don't want to be that person anymore. For starters, the shame I felt when Riley saw us, I want to get rid of it. I feel shitty about the secrecy. And the violence we do to each other, I... Don't want it anymore. Not like that. Something needs to change, I need to change, so... I'm going to start with being honest about what's been happening. To everyone. And what's been going on between us, I don't know how it will change, but it's going to be different. Are you okay with that?
Spike(at a loss for words at first): Of course, luv. Anything you need...
There's a pause. Spike looks away, deep in thought.
Spike(hesitates, then, voice hoarse): But I want you to know you do love me.
Buffy(firm, hurt and angry, though still in his arms): No, I don't.
Buffy hides her face in his chest. He gently raises her face again for her eyes to meet his.
Spike: It may not be the kind of love you had for Riley, or... Angel, and you might not feel it because you feel a 100, a 1,000, 000 other things for me besides love and it's messy and layered, and complicated. But trust me when I say, I know love when I see it, and I see love hidden deep in your eyes right now.
She lowers her eyes, and he redirects her face towards him again, as gently as the first time.
Spike: I'm not telling you this means we should be together. I'm not telling you to love me more, to stop having reservations about this thing we have, or, or to do anything. But I'm saying this so you don't feel guilty about your feelings for me anymore. You... Gave it your best shot, and I understand, I think I understand... Why you can't love me fully. Unreservedly. In that beautiful way of yours with which you've always loved every important person in your life. It hurts... And believe me when I say that because I think I have endured a little more pain than the average bloke. But ultimately... I know you can't help how you're feeling. You can't help it anymore than I can help loving you. So it's okay that you hurt me. I want you to keep on hurting me. Please. So just stay with me.
Buffy once again burries her face in Spike's chest, neither confirming nor denying anything he said. Her shoulders tremble softly and Spike's shirt gets wet. Spikes shushes her in comfort, gently combs her hair with his fingers and softly kisses the top of her head. After a few minutes like this she kisses him, more softly and tenderly than they ever kissed. It feels like a goodbye.