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James walked out of Harry’s bedroom, closing the door with a resigned sigh, and he pushed his forehead against the wood. Harry was up at the school now, and James knew there was no point trying to change things, but it was difficult. Peter had escaped, and trying to focus on keeping his son safe instead of tearing through the country to exact revenge on the man responsible for Lily’s death…
He swallowed and turned, slamming chest-first into the other body in the home. Regulus was coming from a bath, and as James slammed into him, he lost the towel which was draped round his shoulders. James’ eyes immediately caught massive, thick scarring along Regulus’ throat, and the left side of his chest.
Freezing, Regulus quickly snatched up his towel, elbowing James out of the way before rushing into his room and slamming the door.
James didn’t know what to make of it, and in the end, turned round and headed to the kitchen to make tea.
***
Nearly two hours passed before Regulus came out again, and he didn’t meet James’ eye as he went into the kitchen for a cuppa. James was sat on the sofa near the window, slightly sideways as he watched the streets just outside the cottage. It would be a while before any of the students had permission to go about the village, and now that the Dementors were gone, it felt a bit safer.
Though knowing the Lestranges and Peter were still on the loose made it difficult for James to ever want to drop his guard.
His eyes cut to the left as Regulus padded out, and the grey-eyed man sank into the chair by the fire. After a long moment, Regulus sighed. “Enjoy your eyeful, Potter?”
James stared at him. “I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to.” Regulus gripped his mug so tight, his knuckles were yellowish white, and his fingers trembled. He took several long drinks before he spoke again. “Suppose you think it’s justice served, right? For what I did.”
“I didn’t…”
“I mean, how can you not. For what I did to Lupin. And to Sirius. More than once, I suppose.” Regulus swallowed, then rose and took a step away from the chair. “I shouldn’t have come here. This was stupid. It was…” He didn’t finish his sentence, storming off.
After a moment, James heard the back door slam, and he finally rose with a sigh. Pausing by the cabinet, he pulled out a bottle of firewhiskey, then followed the stalwart Black out into their garden. It was charmed, disillusioned so even the strongest wizards would have to use quite a lot of magic to see what was going on beyond the wards. It was the only way Regulus could wander round outside of the house in his human form.
He was presently sat against the wall, knees curled into his chest, and he didn’t look over when James sat. He stiffened though, and let out a sharp puff of air.
“Remus forgave you back at school, you know.”
Regulus let out a sharp, bitter laugh under his breath. “He’s a fool.”
James couldn’t help the small smile edging at the corners of his mouth. “Yeah well, we knew that the moment he told us he was in love with your brother.”
There was a long beat before Regulus spoke again. “Hardly my brother. Haven’t earnt that, have I? With what I did.”
“We all make mistakes, and you atoned for yours.”
“Did I?” Regulus finally turned, staring properly at James. “I offered Dumbledore information to help defeat the Dark Lord, yes. But that doesn’t erase what I’ve done. Long before I even considered that the Dark Lord was in the wrong. What I did to Sirius…”
“He never lost hope he’d get you back.” James dragged his hand through his hair. “Well, until you died, I suppose. But…”
Regulus’ face flickered through pain, just for a moment, before he schooled it back into a neutral expression. “And you think he should just move past that?”
“He did for me,” James said, and when Regulus blinked, confused, he laughed. “He thought I was dead as well. Dumbledore let him believe it, but I thought Dumbledore knew what was best. And for eleven years Sirius and Remus believed Harry and I did not survive that night at Godric’s Hollow. And I did nothing,” James repeated. “When Sirius and Remus found me, I got punched in the face for it.”
Regulus laughed. “Ah. So it wasn’t just me, then?”
James let out a very small chuckle. “No. Wasn’t just you. We’ve all got our scars, Reg. Some of us wear them on the inside, some on the outside. But they’re there all the same. And mistakes or not, I wouldn’t ever believe we deserve them.”
At that, Regulus reached over and plucked the bottle from James’ hands. He uncapped it, and took a long drink without finesse. Passing it over, his grey eyes fixed on the slope of James’ throat as the bespectacled man took his own drink, swiping the back of his hand across his mouth after. The pair shared a tense smile.
Then James reached a hand over and toyed with a long lock of Regulus’ fringe. “I could cut it for you. If you like. I’m not half bad.”
Regulus raised a brow. “Please don’t tell me your reference is your own hair.”
James threw his head back and laughed. Pushing up, he offered a hand down, and after a long moment, Regulus took it. “No. Not my own, and not Harry’s. Trust me?”
Regulus stared for a moment. Then he sighed. “Suppose I do.”
Going inside, James pushed Regulus into a chair, then rummaged through the drawers until he came out with a pair of scissors. Regulus’ eyes went wide, and he crossed his arms over his chest. “The muggle way?”
“No better way. Trust me,” James said again.
“I do,” the other man mumbled.
James used a quick spell to re-wet Regulus’ long locks, then transfigured a fork into a comb. With careful motions, he began to comb through the slight tangles until the hair was hanging wet and low in Regulus’ face. James turned his head from side to side, then carefully began to snip away at it.
The hair hit the floor with a soft plonk, lock after lock until it began to resemble the slightly careless, easy style Regulus had sported at school. It fell in a casual, shaggy way over his forehead, just above his ears.
Carding his fingers through, James worked and worked until it was tidy, using his wand to get the shorter bits, then he set the scissors down and gripped Regulus by the chin. Using his other hand, he brushed his fingers through until it fell the way it had years and years ago, and he smiled.
“Sorted.”
Regulus swallowed thickly, then rose and brushed the front of his shirt off. “I. Well. Thanks. Makes me feel a bit more human again.”
James smiled at him. “Suits you. Why don’t you go have a seat, relax a bit. I’ll tidy up here and sort something for tea.”
Regulus’ jaw worked, like he wanted to say something else, but decided against it and eventually left the kitchen. The moment he was gone, James found himself gripping the counter, his breath coming in short gasps. What was he doing? He had a feeling in his gut, low and burning and wanting. Something he hadn’t experienced for nearly fifteen years. Something he’d only experienced before when looking at bright green eyes and red hair.
And now…?
By the time food was ready, James moved into the lounge and found Regulus fast asleep. He was curled up into himself, face against the cushion of the sofa, and his brows were dipped in a low frown. There was a quiet, distressed noise coming from the back of his throat, and suddenly he began to scream.
James started, freezing to the spot before he snapped into action. Falling to his knees, he grabbed Regulus by the cheeks as he flailed. “Hey. Regulus. Hey…hey. It’s alright, you’re alright.”
Regulus’ eyes flared wide, unseeing, clearly somewhere else. Then things began to clear, and almost absently he curled his fingers round James’ wrists, as though grounding himself. His breathing was hitched, but slowing down, and his soft eyes met concerned hazel.
“Hey,” James said after a long moment.
Regulus swallowed thickly. “I…”
“Nightmare,” James said.
Regulus let out a choked, tense laugh. “Yeah I…normally I sleep as a…as a cat. Keeps the nightmares at bay.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” James was then profoundly aware he was still holding Regulus by the cheeks, still almost nose-to-nose, and he carefully backed up. He felt Reg tense, so instead of letting go, he dropped his fingers to Regulus’ shoulders and kept them there.
“I think um. I think not,” he said after a long moment. “It’s…just a lot.”
“Okay.” James shifted up onto the sofa, then pulled out his wand and summoned the food carefully to the coffee table.
Without another word to each other, the pair tucked in, Regulus mostly picking at it, but he seemed less shaken. After they finished up, James summoned the bottle of whiskey which was half gone, and he poured them each two fingers.
“For the nerves,” James said.
Regulus stared at the liquid. “Not sure this is a good idea.” But he tipped it back anyway, then held out the glass for another. James obliged, refilling his own glass after, and offered the other man a smile.
“I get them too,” James said after a while. “The nightmares. They’re not…they aren’t as bad as they used to be, but they can be a bit…” He cleared his throat. “Not just that night you know, when Voldemort showed up at ours.” He noticed Regulus flinch, but didn’t apologise for it. “There were a few close-calls during the war. Battles. In the back of my mind I always wondered if the people we were fighting were people we knew. People we went to school with.” He took a swallow of the burning liquor. “You, sometimes.”
“I was never…” Regulus let out a breath. “I was too young, and wasn’t allowed to use magic yet. For most of it, anyway. And by the time I was of age, I was a little disillusioned with the whole thing. I…stupidly you know, thought he was on to something. Thought muggle-borns would taint what we had. But when I realised the truth behind it, it seemed so stupid. And when I realised that it was all for him, none of it was to help anyone, it was to achieve whatever…whatever goal the Dark Lord was after well…” He shrugged. “I did what I did with the intent that I wouldn’t make it out of there alive. I sent the letter to Sirius knowing that if I didn’t die that night, the Dark Lord or his followers would track me down and flay me alive.”
James’ fingers went tense on his glass. “The scars?”
Regulus stared down at his long, pale fingers for a long time. “Fiendfyre,” he said. “There were inferi.”
James sucked in his breath. “Regulus…”
Suddenly the other man let out a small sniff, and James saw a few, clear drops spilling from his eyes. “There was a potion. I’m not…I can’t tell you what I was trying to get. Dumbledore has me under the strictest secrecy right now but…but to get it I had to drink this potion.”
James shifted closer, letting his arm drape round Regulus’ shoulders, and he felt his chest hitch a little when Regulus allowed it, and moved closer. “You don’t have to…”
“I want to,” Regulus blurted. “I’ve never told anyone. Even Dumbledore. Not all of it, anyway.” He cleared his throat, but his voice was heavy with emotion and the tears didn’t stop. “The potion was the way the V-voldemort was protecting it. And I had to drink it. It was…something of his own invention. Forced you to relive the worst parts of your past, of yourself. Like you were going through it all over again. It was…” He stopped, then buried his face in James’ neck and began to cry in earnest.
James didn’t know what to do, so he just held on tight. He carded his fingers through Regulus’ short locks, ghosting his lips over Regulus’ temple, hoping that as he shook apart, James would be able to put him back together again if he just held on tight enough.
“The agony,” Regulus said after a moment, his voice hoarse, “there was nothing like it. It was in every fibre of my being. The visions wouldn’t stop, and water. I needed…but that’s what triggered them. The Inferi. They came out of the water, dragging me down. I ordered Kreacher to leave, and he obeyed, but after a moment he came back. He began to fight them off but they were taking him too and somehow I managed to find my wand and.” He stopped a moment. “Fiendfyre was the only thing that could stop them. It got out of control, caught me,” he brushed his fingers along his side where the scarring was. “But we got out of there. I was half-dead, burnt and nearly drowned, on my kitchen floor. And then I knew I had to go. So I did.”
“And you were alone after that,” James murmured, holding tight. “Reggie.”
Grey eyes peered up, Regulus’ fingers tight in the front of James’ robes. “I got by.”
“You did. You did, Merlin you did.” James rose after that, taking Regulus with him, and the shorter man didn’t give protest as they moved into James’ bedroom. With the door slamming shut, James eased him onto the bed, and pulled the duvet up around them both. “Stay with me tonight.”
Regulus nodded, and then buried his face in the front of James’ robes again, his shoulders shaking. “ I saw Sirius. The night he ran away. The night I…” He took in a shuddering breath. “I cursed him, I hurt him. I have never regretted anything more in my life, James.”
“I know,” James breathed. He reached between them, cupping Regulus by the chin and drawing his gaze up. “He survived. And he fell in love, and he’s happy. And he loved you, Regulus. He never stopped.”
“Should’ve,” Regulus said. “He should have.”
“No,” James said fiercely. He moved his hand to cup Regulus’ cheek. “No, I don’t believe that. You deserve love, Regulus. You do. You deserve it all.”
There was a long pause, then Regulus broke the tension by pushing his nose against James’. “Kiss me.”
James reacted without thinking. He closed the distance between them and their lips met and it was like no kiss James had ever experienced before, and it had been so long since he’d wanted to kiss anyone, the feeling of lips on his was unfamiliar.
But instinct took over. His mouth opened easily under Regulus, and he let out a soft groan as a warm tongue met his. It was clear Regulus was inexperienced, and it had been far too long for either of them. Only a few moments in, Regulus pulled away, his cheeks dark with a blush, and breath coming in a soft pant.
“I…I’m sorry,” he breathed.
“Why?” James asked. He shifted, but didn’t pull too far back. “Why are you sorry?”
“I shouldn’t…this is…”
James quickly caught the other man’s gaze. “I want this. But if you’re just feeling emotionally vulnerable, I understand. If you want comfort, I can hold you. Whatever you want. Just…just tell me what you want.”
“I want you,” Regulus blurted. “I fancied you at school—hated you but you were so…” He let out a tense laugh and buried his face in James’ shoulder. “You’re not…I mean, you don’t fancy. You know. Men.”
“I fancy you,” James said. “Which means I must.”
Regulus pulled back, his eyes wary and unsure. “You…me?”
James laughed and nodded, pressing their foreheads together. “You. Yeah. I don’t know what all this means, only that when you asked me to kiss you, I did it because I wanted to. And I’d like to keep doing it.”
Regulus let out a small sigh. “Could we keep it between us for now? I don’t…this is all just so much and I’m not sure I can handle dealing with Sirius’ wrath or…or any of it.”
James brushed his fingers into Regulus’ hair, then put out the light and held him firm. “Yeah. We can keep it just between us for as long as you like. And we have time. Just know that I’m here because I want to be.”
There was a silence so long, James wasn’t sure if Regulus had fallen to sleep until he heard the small, quiet voice in the dark. “I’m here because I want to be too, James. So…thank you.”
James didn’t answer, merely pressed a soft kiss to the other man’s temple, and the pair of them drifted off.
For the first time, since Regulus had returned to the wizarding world, he slept as a human, and he didn’t dream.