Work Text:
Kaeya wasn’t sure when it all started. When did he stop being beloved and start being disdained, disliked, and deplored.
It wasn’t likely for everyone to hate him. Thinking people cared enough to actually hate him was just as self centered as thinking everyone loved him.
He knew that. It simply wasn’t possible.
But why was it, then, that he could not identify who was responsible for his current state? As he coughed up petals, he could not name who he had unrequited love for. Was it one person? Multiple?
Yes, nobody hated him, but Kaeya Alberich could not think of anyone who loved him as well.
Frankly though, the first name that popped in his head was Diluc.
Was his brother responsible? Did he just not care enough anymore to love Kaeya back?
He didn’t want to ask.
Was it Jean? Had she gotten sick of him messing up?
Lisa? Rosaria? Klee?
The traveler?
He couldn’t tell. He didn’t want to ask either. Sure, he might be cured if he did, but the fear of rejection was too strong.
He couldn’t really ask anyone either. Diluc, the main suspect in Kaeya’s mind, had left on a two week business trip, and they hadn’t been on good terms when he did. A typical argument, led by banter that had gone too far.
Diluc had set off a day earlier than planned, likely because of Kaeya, and that very same day, Kaeya had begun coughing. The petals came the next day.
He drank, out of misery, the night Diluc left, and stumbled into work the next morning. Jean yelled at him for coming to work drunk. Told him to go home, and not come back until he sobered up.
The petals came when he stepped foot in the door.
Lisa sent him a hangover potion, and he nearly choked to death while drinking it.
All things aside, in actuality, Kaeya knew who the culprit was behind his disease.
It was himself.
He wouldn’t be suffering in the first place, if it weren’t for who he was.
It was too late to change anything though.
Kaeya went to work the next day, sober but still out of it. Jean didn’t say anything this time, simply nodding at him as he entered.
His eyes were lined with puffy reddish black circles underneath, courtesy of crying and not sleeping the night before.
He couldn’t read his paperwork, eyes blurring too much whenever he tried.
He couldn’t focus either, constantly coughing. Jean slipped in a few hours later, rubbing a hand on his back and giving him tea. He hid the petals.
“You should have told me you weren’t feeling well. I would have let you take a day off.”
Kaeya didn’t say anything.
…
He took the rest of the day off, and then the next, and the next. By the fifth day, he felt so miserable he wished the Hanahaki would just kill him.
He felt the urge to tell Jean, to write to Diluc, to go cry to Rosaria, but he couldn’t will himself to do so.
He didn’t have the mental strength anymore, not when he couldn’t tell if they actually cared, beyond just worrying about their Captain.
It was far easier to book a carriage ride to Liyue and get surgery and forget everything, or maybe everyone, then to face his loved ones. Coping with this uncertainty, this shame of existing, was becoming too much to bear.
So that’s what he did.
…
There were a lot of documents to sign, relieving the clinic of any liability if he were to regret the decision in the future. Kaeya signed them all, barely bothering to skim through.
Two days later, he found himself sitting on an operation bed, wearing a white gown. The surgeon asked him multiple times if he was certain he wanted to go through with the surgery, and Kaeya reassured him that this is what he wanted.
Maybe he was a little conflicted inside, but it didn’t matter anymore. That’s what he told himself.
Even as he laid down, a mask placed onto his face, he told himself the burning feeling in his chest was just nerves. The only reason he felt so uneasy is because he was scared of the surgery, nothing else.
The anesthesiologist began counting down, saying that Kaeya would be unconscious before he finished.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
It was then, at that moment, that Kaeya felt that he might be making a mistake. His eyes simply fluttered a bit, heart rate increasing ever so slightly as the fingers on his right hand twitched, trying to reach up and stop. Nobody noticed.
Six.
There was no five.
Kaeya Alberich awoke the next day, quite confused. He was in a recovery room, dressed in the softest pajamas he had ever felt, and there were stitches going down his chest.
“Where am I? What happened?” He asked softly to the nurse that walked in. She called the doctor in charge of everything to come and explain it to him.
“You had Hanahaki. Do you remember that? You came for surgery, to get rid of it.”
Vaguely, Kaeya could remember something like that. There were blank spots in his memory, making everything fuzzy.”
“I remember, but everything is fuzzy. There are these blank spots I can’t fill in, but they seem important. I can’t remember much of anything because of it.”
“Ah.” The doctor replied, a sad look dawning on his face. “They must have been important to you. The person who caused your affliction.”
“I think so.” Kaeya replied. “It feels like I’ve lost half of myself along with them.” A tear slipped down his face, and he blinked in surprise, wiping it away. There was no emotion, no recognition he felt to spark any tears.
It must have been dry eyes.
“You can be discharged in three days, after we look over you a little longer.” The doctor stated, smiling at him. “Is that alright?”
“Oh.” Kaeya breathed. “Yes, that’s fine. I just— I feel like I’m forgetting something important…” he racked his mind for bits and pieces of memory, trying to piece together an accurate conclusion.
“I think I forgot to inform any of my… relatives? Friends? I’m not quite sure who, about my surgery. Is it possible for me to contact them?”
“Of course. We can send a letter to them.”
“…There is someone coming to my mind. I’m not sure why. It doesn’t make much sense. I believe the person to contact is the Acting Grandmaster of the Knights of Favonius.” He said, mind coming up empty when he tried to remember her name. “She can probably help, and my brain keeps telling me to talk to her, but I can’t figure out why. I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologize. That can definitely be arranged. We will send her a letter.”
“Thank you.” Kaeya smiled politely.
That evening, after Kaeya finished his dinner, he was eating jelly for dessert, when all of a sudden, the door to his patient room slammed open. A furious red haired man entered, nearly smoking with rage. He was fuming, about to come and grab Kaeya by the shoulders, but Kaeya had been so startled he ended up choking on his jelly. This in turn, startled the angry red haired man who seemed to be shocked out of his rage. He immediately apologized and rubbed Kaeya’s back after he managed to cough the jelly back out.
“It’s okay.” He rasped. “You just startled me, Mister..?”
His lack of recognition seemed to spark the man’s anger once again.
“Kaeya— Stop joking with me. This isn’t funny.” The man replied. He seemed frustrated, but there was something deeper beneath it. Fear, perhaps?
“I’m not.”
“Do you have any idea how much you’ve scared everyone? What the hell was that letter?! Jean was so scared— Fuck, I had a meeting and I had to rush over here because of your bullshit! Claiming you lost your memory— that you had had Hanahaki and you hid it?! Are you insane?!”
“I’m not lying, I really don’t remember…” he replied, a familiar irritation growing within him. “The surgery took away my memories… but I think now that you mentioned her, I can recall Jean.”
The man just stared at him, eyes widening in panic.
“Stop—“
“I— For some reason I can’t remember you at all though. Just give me a minute, let me try.” He pleaded, not sure why his throat suddenly felt so dry.
He racked his brain, but nothing came up.
“I’m sorry— I can’t—“
“Just shut up! You can’t— you can’t expect me to believe you’ve forgotten me! Kaeya, stop with this! Enough is enough!” He yelled.
Kaeya panicked, looking at the man. He tried harder to come up with something, mind overwhelmingly blank.
“I’m sorry—“ he started, tears pricking at his eyes. He closed his eyes, pushing his brain towards pain just to try and get a glimpse of who this man was.
He only grew angrier, slamming his fist against the nightstand before grabbing Kaeya’s shoulders and shouting at him.
“Stop pretending you don’t remember me—!”
“I'M TRYING MY HARDEST!” Kaeya cut him off as he screamed, voice cracking as tears rolled down his face. “I can’t remember!” He shouted. “I’m trying so hard to remember but I can’t! And you— you keep yelling at me and being so angry at me when I don’t even know who you are!” He yelled again, shoving the man away.
“Kaeya,” he breathed, voice softening in shock. “I—“ he reached out.
Suddenly, the door opened and the nurses and doctors came in, having heard the shouting.
Upon seeing Kaeya crying and distressed, the doctor looked at the red haired man, gritting his teeth.
“I’m sorry sir, but your presence is negatively impacting our patient. We must ask you to leave.” He said sternly.
The man looked between Kaeya and the doctor, and nodded.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you, Kaeya.” He said quietly, looking rather lost and shell shocked, struggling to process. “Please rest well, and ignore my earlier outburst. Don’t stress yourself trying to remember.”
Kaeya just watched him hesitantly, sighing in relief as the door clicked shut and he was alone once more.
Just who the hell was that?
The next morning, during breakfast, a blonde haired woman entered the room. She was much calmer than the red haired man, but she looked quite sad.
Still, she was more familiar.
Kaeya’s mind bounced around, until he could remember.
“Are you Jean?” He asked.
“Do— do you remember?” She asked, a hopeful glimmer in her eyes.
Kaeya hated having to crush it.
“No. Not really. My memory is quite vague.”
“Oh,” she replied sadly. “It’s as Diluc said.”
“Diluc? Who is that?” He asked, contemplating. His mind filled in the gaps. “Is he the red haired man that came earlier?”
A tear slipped down Jean’s face, which she quickly wiped away. She smiled, attempting to hide her true feelings, but it was obvious.
“Yes.”
“Who is he? He just came and yelled at me, then said sorry and left… kind of weird, honestly.” He grumbled.
Jean frowned, sighing softly.
“He’s your brother, Kaeya.”
“My— my brother?!” He asked, bewildered.
“Yes. He had a business trip in Liyue, so I sent him a letter about your condition and he must have come straight here.” She took a breath, smiling sadly. “I hope you’ll forgive him for his behavior. He must have been very shocked and upset.”
“Is he alright?” Kaeya asked, looking pitifully at Jean. “I yelled at him too, and I said I didn’t know who he was. It must have hurt him… archons, I had no idea.”
Kaeya kept thinking, trying to conjure up any image he could of Diluc, but there was nothing beyond what had happened yesterday. He rubbed his brows, furrowing them tightly till it pained in an effort to think.
“I can’t remember, no matter what I do.” He said, looking up anxiously.
Jean sighed quietly, frowning. “I know. It’s okay.” she smiled weakly, placing a hand on top of his. “The surgery is to blame, not you.”
“Right,” Kaeya mumbled, lost in thought.
If he couldn’t remember this “Diluc” person, didn’t that mean…
“Jean, can I ask you something?”
Jean, who was lost in thought, startled out of it, nodding.
“Ask me whatever you want, don’t hesitate.”
“...Did me and, uhm, Diluc– that was his name, right–?”
Jean nodded.
“Did we not get along? Did… he not love me back or something?”
Jean remained silent, though her hands trembled as they gripped Kaeya’s tightly.
“I heard from the doctors that Hanahaki occurs from feelings of unrequited love? That the surgery is typically only done by people who cannot confess, or believe they cannot confess. It’s kind of a last resort… So—”
“You’re his little brother. How could he ever not love you back?” she replied firmly. “If only—”
If only he had even tried asking. If he had just opened his mouth to anyone, they wouldn’t be in this situation.
But he didn’t. He hadn’t felt secure enough to even dare to ask.
Knowing Kaeya— knowing how fragile his heart was, after all he had been through in his twenty-four years of living, he probably didn’t have the willpower for another heartbreak. So, he hadn’t even tried to find out.
And that was something Jean couldn’t help but blame herself for. She was his best friend– he was her right–hand man. She couldn’t even count all the times she had relied on him, and yet, despite that, in his time of need, he hadn’t even tried to rely on her.
It begged the question, making her whole body uneasy, what kind of friend was she?
Had she done something wrong?
She couldn’t even tell if Diluc was the only one Kaeya believed didn’t reciprocate his love. He could only barely remember her, after all.
Meaning, did he, to some extent, believe she didn’t love him either?
Why? Why would he think that?
Was it because of Khaenri’ah?
She didn’t know everything— but she knew some of it. He drunkenly told her one night. He probably didn’t remember, and she hadn’t confronted him, thinking it would make him uncomfortable if she had.
She should have talked to him afterwards.
Had he thought that she didn’t love him, because she didn’t know him fully?
Or had she simply been a terrible friend?
She could recall snapping at him a couple of times– she had just been so overwhelmed and he was just there and she used him— archons she used him to express her frustrations and he— he probably took it all to heart, knowing him, and he had thought—
She buried her head in her hands.
“Jean? Are you okay?” he asked softly, concerned. Even without his full memories he still managed to care about her, while she couldn’t even pretend to be strong for him.
“I’m sorry.” she apologized, shoulders shaking as she cried, “I’m so sorry, Kaeya, please forgive me.”
It didn’t matter though. No matter how much she apologized, the Kaeya that had been hurt couldn’t hear it, replaced by an amnesiac shell.
If only she had been a better friend.
If only she had tried harder to reconcile the two brothers.
If only she had done things differently.
“It’s not your fault.” he smiled awkwardly, “Please don’t blame yourself.”
She nodded, wiping her eyes, though she wasn’t anymore consoled.
This overly polite stranger was her dear friend Kaeya.
Huh.
What a strange reality to have to come to terms with.
A few hours later, upon Kaeya’s request, Diluc came back.
The man seemed to have a flair for dramatics, seeing as he opened the door awfully quietly, and stood in the corner of the room until Kaeya noticed him.
Kaeya, extremely startled again, choked on his jelly, which he had been peacefully enjoying for desert.
Diluc, again, rubbed his back after he coughed it out.
“You scared me! Can’t you walk in and announce your presence like a normal person?!” Kaeya grumbled, voice hoarse as he cleared his throat.
“...I’m sorry, you normally notice me immediately when I enter. It’s a habit.”
“Creepy habit, no?” he chided.
Wait, why was he being so—?
Normally, Kaeya would find his behavior quite rude, rebuking someone like this, but for some reason… he didn’t feel bad at all?
He even felt a little joyful, instinctively, lightheartedly poking at this Diluc fellow.
“I’m sorry.”
His heart felt a little more guilty than it normally would, seeing the man genuinely remorseful.
“It’s okay. I was only teasing.”
“Okay.”
The two men sat in total silence, a thick discomfort permeating the air.
Kaeya finally spoke.
“I wanted to apologize to you. I said some rude things to you yesterday, because I didn’t realize who you were.”
Diluc was silent, mouth opening and closing like he wanted to say something but he couldn’t find the words. Finally, he just watched Kaeya, only asking one thing.
“...You want to apologize to me?”
Kaeya laughed awkwardly. “Well, yeah? You’re my brother, why wouldn’t I?”
Diluc turned away, body tense.
“You shouldn’t.” He said, voice rough.
“What? I shouldn’t apologize?”
“You shouldn’t be my brother.”
.
.
.
“What?” Kaeya asked, uncertain if he had heard correctly.
Diluc’s fist clenched.
“Since you’ve forgotten me, I think it’s better if you stop calling yourself my brother.” His body twitched. “I came today because you asked me too, but I’ll go now. I think it’s for the best if we part ways here.” he took a breath, shaking from the sheer bitterness behind it. “I’m a stranger to you now anyways, so there is no point in you tying yourself to me with an obligatory relationship. You should just live your life, and keep me out of it.”
“W–what?!” Kaeya exclaimed, shocked. A familiar sense of hurt rushed through his chest, a forgotten yet not foreign feeling. “Hold on—?! What are you talking about?! How can you say such a thing?!”
How could he be so cruel?
“What?” Diluc replied, body trembling with sheer rage. “This is for the best. You’re the one who chose to get the surgery.”
“Hey– I didn’t “choose” anything!” Kaeya yelled, frustrated. “I don’t know the details, but I would have died if I hadn’t gotten the surgery! I mean, sure, I could have “confessed” my feelings, but it’s obvious now why I didn’t! Seeing how heartless and apathetic you are, I probably knew I would have died on the spot from rejection so I decided not to!” He huffed angrily. “Some brother you are! All you’ve ever done is abandon me! That night you did the same—” He blurted, freezing as soon as the words came out from his mouth. His hand immediately covered his mouth, and Diluc turned around instantly.
It was then that Kaeya realized Diluc had been shaking with tears, not anger.
Diluc’s eyes were wide.
“What did you say?”
“I— I don’t know?!” Kaeya replied, honestly, hand lowering from his mouth. “The words came out before I realized what I was saying.”
Which was true. He couldn’t even tell what they meant, but he had said them, instinctively, unable to control his tongue.
And they made him feel dirty. The kind of dirty that no amount of scrubbing would remove. The kind that came from within.
“...Whatever.” Kaeya muttered softly, eyes prickling with tears he couldn’t understand. “It seems like this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. If that’s the case, who am I to deny you?” the tears dripped onto the blanket he pulled tighter onto himself. “You can go. I don’t need you to be my brother anymore.” He trembled. “It’s as you say, we are strangers now. You have no obligations towards me anymore.”
The room was silent, to the point the sound of nothingness became overwhelming. Kaeya buried his face in his hands, overcome with a sense of sheer sadness that he couldn’t even comprehend. The choked crying sounds escaped his throat, as he pitifully tried to muffle them. He was overwhelmed with the deja vu he felt— this was a pain he had felt before, a pain he had been terrified of feeling again, back when he could remember.
There were heavy footsteps towards his bed.
“Kaeya,” Diluc spoke, softly.
“Just leave! That’s all you want to do, right? You don’t want anything to do with me anymore— or maybe, you never have,” his breath hitched pitifully as he shook.
“Kaeya.”
“I’ll stay out of your life, so you can go ahead and forget about me too–!” He sobbed.
Suddenly, arms wrapped around him.
It was so warm.
It felt so familiar, down to the way his head instinctively moved to Diluc’s left shoulder as he leaned on him.
“I’m sorry Kaeya. I’m so sorry.” Diluc whispered softly, crying. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not abandoning you. You’ll always be my brother, I promise.”
“Why’d you say all that nonsense earlier?!” Kaeya cried, clutching tightly. “It hurt so bad to hear that from you— even if I don’t know why it hurt—”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” Diluc apologized, stroking Kaeya’s hair. “I just— I felt so guilty. I’ve hurt you so many times, and it’s my fault you got this Hanahaki so I thought— I thought you’d be better off without me,” He sobbed. “And since you don’t remember, I thought you could finally be free from my misery and bitterness— I thought—” he choked, “I thought you would be happier if— if I could just leave your life.”
Because he had seen it with his own eyes. He had seen how Kaeya had changed after that night. He saw the persona he had crafted, he saw it fall apart when Kaeya got too drunk— he saw the pain, the flinches around anything that had flames, the bad habits Kaeya had picked up just to cope— and he hadn’t known what to do. He couldn’t fix everything instantly as if he had a magic wand, so he did the next best thing he could do. He stayed away. He thought that Kaeya would get over him, and along with him, the fear and hurt— and eventually, Kaeya could find his own happiness and peace, free from Diluc’s volatile nature.
But Kaeya kept creeping closer and closer, and soon the one-sided prodding from the bluenette’s end had turned into two-sided bickering, and Diluc was beginning to get used to having Kaeya around, even if it was different from before.
Selfishly, Diluc wanted to have Kaeya back in his life— even if they were simply acquaintances instead of brothers, but he— he was such a mess and so explosive and— he kept saying things he knew would hurt, just to chase Kaeya away, even if he knew it wasn’t working, all because it had become ingrained in him—
And Kaeya had— he had been hurt, and he had been hurt so badly he started thinking Diluc didn’t love him, when really Diluc loved him more than anything, and he had gotten Hanahaki.
When Diluc had found out, besides the shock, guilt, and utter pain he felt at being forgotten— there was a sick sense of relief.
He could finally start over.
The sick and twisted corner of his heart had thought that he could introduce himself differently— he could be the older brother he desperately failed at being.
But faced with Kaeya, who actually couldn’t remember, he couldn’t bear it. Maybe things had been bitter and painful, but that was his Kaeya— and now there was nothing.
So he did what he was best at, and exploded, yelling at Kaeya— accusing him of faking it, sheerly out of shock. He exploded the same way he had before he had left on the business trip, before Kaeya had forgotten him— and he snapped out of it when Kaeya yelled at him.
In that moment, he realized he always managed to disturb Kaeya and make him unhappy. He reflected upon when Kaeya saw him for the first time when he entered the hospital room, and he realized that Kaeya had seemed so unguarded and innocent. The fortress walls that Kaeya used to trap himself in were gone— and Diluc realized that this is who Kaeya could be if he wasn’t in the picture.
So he decided to let go. It would hurt the younger man less this way, since he couldn’t miss something he didn’t know anymore.
He only managed to hurt him again.
“How could I ever be happy like that?” Kaeya cried. “If I didn’t want you in my life, I wouldn’t have lost so many of my memories.” He sniffled, wiping his face. “You know, I realized that if I forgot so much— it means you are someone so important to me— You’ve shaped so much of who I am— How could I ever be happy without you?!”
“But I—”
“So what if you’re “bitter” and “miserable”?! Everyone has flaws. Besides, if that really bothered me, I doubt I would have stuck around so much!”
Diluc didn’t say anything.
“Besides, I’m bitter and miserable too. It’s why I argue with you so much—” Kaeya immediately paused.
“Diluc, I think–” he started, a bit startled. “I remembered something. I had a flashback.”
“Huh—? Thats— what did you remember?”
“We were in a tavern, and you were bartending. You cut me off when I was drinking, and I called you a cold-hearted prick, and you kicked me out.”
Diluc blinked, then chuckled weakly. “Of all the things you could remember—”
“I know right…” Kaeya mumbled, a bit embarrassed. “But anyways— the point is, I would not be better off without you, and you are fine the way you are, so don’t try to change yourself or avoid me just because you think that’s what’s better for me.”
“...Noted.”
It would be two weeks later, at the winery, when all of Kaeya’s memories suddenly flood back into his head, and he goes to Diluc’s room and attempts to strangle him, as he is able to be properly angry at him for what happened at the hospital, now that he remembers everything. Diluc, in turn, puts him in a headlock and messes up his hair for secretly going off and getting such a risky surgery without telling anyone. Adelinde splits them up, scolding them for behaving so childishly, and they simply laugh and proceed to act like everything is normal.
Perhaps that is normal though, for these two.
Later on, they speculate the reason Kaeya didn’t truly forget everything is because the love truly wasn’t unreciprocated, and perhaps deep down, Kaeya had known that before he went for surgery.
…
The end.