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On the day the ninth Orb was returned to Bajor, Winn knew what she must do.
Seeking wisdom from the Orbs was the duty of the Kai. She was expected to visit them regularly to let them guide her path, and she had done so, though always reluctantly. Orb Experiences were draining, and though she would never reveal this to anyone, she rarely saw what she wanted to see.
Now that the final Orb had been returned, there was nothing to stop Winn from undertaking an ancient ritual that no Kai had been able to practice since before the Occupation. She announced to the Vedek assembly that she would be absent for nine days, each morning a visit to one Orb with the rest of the day spent in secluded contemplation.
Winn would not be disturbed during that time. She would be alone with the Prophets.
Of course, that meant she would be entirely alone, but no one could ever know that.
The first Orb – the one that had first appeared in the skies above Bajor thousands of years ago – was the Orb of Contemplation. The ancient scholars described it as casting light on truths one already knew. Winn had visited it frequently and was less wary of it than of some of the others.
Alone in the room where the Orb was kept, Winn approached the platform on which it lay and didn’t allow herself to hesitate before opening the orb ark.
Blinding light filled her eyes. Then she was somewhere else, standing in a featureless space. As was common during Orb Experiences, she only barely remembered where she was and why she was here.
“Winn Adami,” someone whispered.
More voices whispered her name all around her, but she couldn’t see against the bright light.
Then her surroundings resolved into the Vedek assembly hall. She stood in front as if addressing them, but it was the crowd that spoke in hundreds of whispers.
One Vedek stood. She knew him, though she couldn’t recall his name.
“You come out of obligation,” he said.
A Vedek on the other side of the room stood.
“You come wanting something more,” she said.
“You always want more,” said another.
Winn tried to turn her head to look at each Vedek. They spoke faster and faster until she was dizzy.
“You always wanted to be Kai.”
“You dreamed of it.”
“Faces upturned to you.”
“Love in their eyes.”
“Worship.”
“You are Kai now.”
“You have everything.”
“Everything you have ever wanted.”
“So why?”
“Why?”
“Why aren’t you satisfied?”
Winn pressed her hands to her ears. The room spun. She was falling.
She emerged from the vision. She’d fallen to the ground before the Orb. Her ragged breaths filled her ears.
It hadn’t been too bad this time. The Orb of Contemplation only told her what she already knew. No matter how much she gained, it was never enough. Being Kai wasn’t enough.
She knew this, but no one else could.
No one could know of the emptiness inside her that nothing could fill.
The second Orb was the Orb of Time. It was even more carefully guarded than most of the other Orbs because it allowed time travel.
In preparation, Winn disguised herself in the clothes of a Vedek and covered her face with a mask Bajorans wore when ill. No one in the past would recognize her.
She opened the ark, concentrating on where she wanted to go, which was necessary for this particular Orb to function.
Winn found herself in an empty hallway of the Vedek council building. She followed the sound of murmuring voices to the ceremonial chamber where the Vedeks were gathering.
It was only a few years before the present – the day of the ceremony of Winn’s ascension to Kai.
From the audience, Winn watched herself stand before her peers and become the greatest of them, reciting the ancient words that bound her as Kai. This had been the most triumphant day of her life, until the initial high wore off and she realized it wasn’t enough.
There at the front of the crowd was the reason Winn’s day of triumph was bitter. The Emissary, specially invited to the ceremony. His Starfleet dress uniform stood out against the robes of the Vedeks.
Most people knew that Winn and Sisko disagreed politically, and some knew how much Winn personally disliked him. But no one could know how profoundly Winn hated him for taking what should have been hers, and buried even further below, how resentful she felt toward the Prophets for choosing him.
The third Orb was the Orb of Prophecy, described by the ancient scholars as producing visions of the future. This Orb was one Winn had consulted frequently in an attempt to learn to communicate with the Prophets directly.
The visions and experiences given by the Orbs originated from the Prophets, but were not direct communication. The Prophets weren’t truly speaking, except perhaps some distant part of them, like an echo of a thought they’d once had.
Winn had experienced many Orb visions, but she’d never felt the love of the Prophets, or even their attention.
The vision she had this day was no different. She was alone in her bedroom. Then a figure appeared – Sisko.
“You will choose wrong,” Sisko intoned.
Winn flinched.
Another figure appeared – her assistant Solbor.
“You will choose wrong,” he repeated.
Beside him appeared Major Kira, then Vedek Bareil, then others who’d both allied with and opposed Winn. Each said the same words, coldly and dispassionately. There was nothing behind their eyes. They were empty vessels – condemning her without even looking at her.
Winn emerged from the vision feeling as cold as the words she’d heard. You will choose wrong. The prophecy she’d been given.
No one else could hear those words. No one could know that they weren’t even truly a surprise. Winn doubted her path often now, even if she pretended to herself otherwise. But in the cold darkness of truth the Orb brought, Winn couldn’t deny how uncertain and afraid she’d become.
The fourth Orb was the Orb of Memory which usually produced visions of unhappy childhood memories.
In the vision Winn experienced this time, she was a child again, small and weak. A distant part of her remembered this wasn’t real, but that didn’t ease the sting of pain this memory brought.
She was in a room watching a huddle of other children turned pointedly away from her. When she tried to speak, they didn’t look at her. They walked past her as if she wasn’t there.
Winn had often been excluded as a young child. She told herself it was because she’d been too timid and unintelligent. She’d had to grow strong and crafty to make other children like her.
But now, forced back into childhood, Winn considered an alternate explanation she’d long suspected. There was something missing inside her – a hollow where the love of the Prophets should have been. She’d been unable to hide this emptiness as a child. Everyone had seen it in her eyes.
Over time, she’d learned to hide it. Now, she was beloved by many. But they didn’t truly look at her. They didn’t truly see her. No one could be allowed to see the darkness inside.
The fifth Orb was the Orb of Connection – the only Orb that couldn’t be used alone. It allowed the sharing of thoughts between individuals. Winn had never experienced this Orb before, and never would. No one could know her thoughts. No one.
A discrete payment to a Ranjen took care of the problem. He would confirm that Winn had entered the room with Solbor, rather than alone.
The sixth Orb was the Orb of Desire. Its visions were said to reveal one’s deepest desires, though Winn had always found it much more obscure.
This time, Winn found herself in a featureless room full of hundreds of people kneeling to her. They loved her. They worshipped her. But when she moved closer and tried to peer at their faces, they were blank. Behind their adoration was emptiness.
No one could know how deeply Winn desired power. Power was all she had. Without it, she would go back to being nothing.
The seventh Orb was the Orb of History. No one knew exactly how it differed from the Orb of Time. It also allowed time travel. The primary difference seemed to be that the Orb of History could not be led. It would bring you where it willed.
Today, it brought Winn to the upper level of the Promenade on DS9, once again in masked disguise. A past version of herself stood before a window. As she watched, the Celestial Temple burst open, and there were gasps of wonder from the surrounding people.
This was the day she’d first traveled to the space station to see the Celestial Temple, not long after the Occupation ended. This was the day she’d felt nothing, even as she heard the ecstasy around her.
No one could know that while others felt the love of the Prophets, the emptiness inside Winn had only grown.
The eighth Orb was the Orb of Fear. This was the last Orb to be returned to Bajor. Its name came from the ancient scholars who’d found its visions particularly frightening. Winn tried to reassure herself with the knowledge that most believed this Orb reflected emotions more than reality.
In her vision, she was alone in the darkness. Completely alone. Time became a strange, indeterminate thing. Was she inside the darkness for hours or years? Nothing looked at her or spoke to her, and she began to understand that this was because she was nothing.
She had always been nothing.
No one could know.
The final Orb was the Orb of wisdom. The ancient scholars advised visiting it when facing a great dilemma. It tended to reveal perspectives one hadn’t considered.
It had never helped Winn speak to the Prophets. None of the Orbs had ever helped her.
The vision the Orb gave her this time was simple and brief. She was in the darkness once again, but this time, a figure appeared.
The figure was herself.
This other version of herself was on her knees facing away. She was praying, Winn realized distantly.
“Speak to me!” the other version of herself cried in a hoarse, desperate voice. “Speak to me!”
But there was no answer, only emptiness.
No one could know. No one could know. No one could know.