Chapter Text
Minho knew they couldn’t keep doing this. The constant arguing, disagreements, silent treatments, make up, make love, then repeat all over again. It was killing them both and they can’t go on like this.
The worst part of this mess is that Minho loves Jisung with every fibre of his being, he never stopped loving Jisung, he has never loved him any less at any point in their 3 year long relationship.
Not when they’d constantly get into arguments because of how close Jisung was with Felix, although there was nothing going on between Felix and Jisung aside from friendship, Minho couldn’t help but feel pangs of jealousy and insecurity every-time his new boyfriend’s longtime best friend was around and seemed to know Ji way better than Minho felt like he ever could at the time.
He knows now that it was a ridiculous assumption on his part but their relationship was still so new at that point and so was the fear of messing things up and losing Jisung.
Minho’s love for Jisung never faltered even for a second when Jisung was struggling really bad mentally last year and lost all desire for intimacy after starting his medication. Back then, Ji always felt guilty for never wanting have sex with Minho. There was so much Minho did for him and he couldn’t even reciprocate one simple task. Of course, Minho didn’t care about the whole sex thing, he just wanted Ji to get better but Jisung felt the guilt regardless.
Minho dealt with his constant mood swings, depressive episodes, dinner time fights over whether Ji had eaten enough, which almost always led to another fight about how Ji just wasn’t eating enough in general. These nights were the probably the hardest for the both of them. Jisung would get mad at Minho for “making a big deal out of nothing” swearing that he never skipped meals and Minho just “doesn’t trust him enough”.
Despite it all, Minho loved Jisung through and through because nothing else mattered to him as long as Jisung was okay.
Minho never stopped loving Jisung. Even when the growing gap between them became too large to ignore as they’d been doing.
Minho can’t stop loving Jisung.
If you’d had asked him a year ago, he would’ve been 100% sure that Jisung would be the man he marries. Sure, things were hard but Ji was his forever companion. His other and better half. But now—
Now he’s not so sure anymore.
The pair were cuddled up on Minho’s couch watching A Howls Moving Castle with Jisung resting his head on Minho’s chest, arms snaked around his waist and Minho’s arms circled around Jisungs shoulders holding him close.
Usually the room would be filled with giggling and languid conversation, rarely ever watching the movie because they were always too invested and infatuated with each other. But today is different. Everything is just different and Minho can’t place why.
Keeping his eyes focused on the tv, Minho sighs timidly, breaking the unnatural silence between them.
“I think we should break up” Minho utters barely above a whisper.
Jisung stills completely in his arms.
Silence follows.
“Ji? I said I think we should break up” Minho says confidently this time, gently pushing Jisung off him at an attempt to see his face, maybe even read his mind like he used to be able to.
Jisung however, resists. He shakes himself from Minhos grasps and holds onto him tighter, this time burying his head in the crook of Minho’s neck.
After an extended suffocating silence, Minho concludes that Jisung doesn’t intend on saying anything. So he continues.
“Listen” Minho sighs.
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, I dont think we’re right for each other anymore Ji. I don’t know what changed or when or who but—”Minho pauses, hearing the shakiness in his voice and feeling the tightness in his throat.
He tightly squeezes his eyes shut, takes a deep breath and clears his throat before reopening them, then he continues.
“But, it’s just not the same anymore.” Minho utters, barely above a whisper, like he’s afraid to say it out loud.
“ I used to understand you, i used to feel like i knew you better then anyone else, even yourself sometimes but now… “ Minho sighs helplessly, “Now, I don’t know. ”
Jisung remains completely still.
More silence.
Minho has no choice but to continue. Sighing, he says “I just feel like there’s a wall between us, a giant brick wall. I can hear you, i know you’re there but I can’t SEE you Ji. I used to be able to but now I just—”
“Minho” Jisung finally whispers, interrupting Minho’s confession.
Gingerly he pulls himself up right, sitting cross legged face to face with Minho. They lock eyes for a while, trying to read between the lines, trying to find what was once there but now is lost.
But to no avail.
Jisung crumbles under weight of Minho’s intense gaze. Unable to maintain the overwhelming eye contact that reveals all the things they can’t say. All the things they’re too afraid to say.
Jisung looks down at his lap, balls his hands into a fist and presses his fingers nails hard against his palms, hoping the pain will quiet the noise in his head.
With a shaky breath, Jisung murmurs “Please stop talking” squeezing his eyes shut.
Jisung could feel his whole world shatter and he knew there’s nothing he could do except watch it all unfold. It’s not exactly like Jisung had been caught off guard by what Minho said. He knew things had been difficult recently, he knew they argued a lot more, he knew he stopped being Minho’s vacation house and only seemed to stress him out these days. He knew they just didn’t work as well as they used to.
But the last thing he expected was for Minho to give up on him.
Jisung digs his nails deeper into his palms as hot tears threaten to escape his closed eyelids.
Talking to Minho used to feel so easy because Jisung knew that whatever was on his mind, no matter how ridiculous, Minho would understand. Sometimes Jisung felt like Minho understood him better than he understood himself. He knew that if something was wrong he could confide in Minho and they’d work through it together because that’s just how they are.
Jisung knows this is all his fault. After everything that happened last year, he felt like he owed it to Minho to withdraw a little.
They were both in their 2nd year of University with important things to focus on. Minho especially who was juggling a degree, a part time job at a kids dance class, being far from his friends and family in korea since he was an international student at Queen Mary’s and on top of all that, a mentally unstable boyfriend who only added to his mountain of stress and gave him nothing in return.
Minho already had too much on his plate and Ji couldn’t keep making it worse. So naturally, he stopped being as honest when Minho would ask him how he was doing. He stopped going over to Minho’s place on weekends after work because he figured Minho was probably tired and needed to rest. The last thing anyone would want after 6 hours of dealing with whiny children was to have to deal with their extremely high maintenance boyfriend. Jisung was probably super exhausting for Minho.
All jisung wanted to do was relieve Minho’s stress but it all backfired. Horribly. As Jisung pulled back, Minho pushed further, worried Jisung was shutting him out because he was slipping into another episode. Minho started checking on him a lot more than usual, even going as far as dropping by Jisungs on weekends after work but despite his efforts, it just seemed like Jisung didn’t want him around.
It was all hard, messy and confusing. Minho didn’t know what Jisung needed or wanted and Jisung was too scared to say that all he needs is Minho and he is terrified of the fact.
To Jisung, Minho is the purest thing to ever walk this earth, the closest Ji would ever get to meeting an angel. The closest Ji would ever get to meeting God. He couldn’t let himself ruin Minho. There was no hope for Ji but Minho could be so much more if he didn’t have Jisung weighing him down.
Even if Jisung thought he was ruining Minho. Jisung couldn’t help but love him regardless.
How selfish.
Jisung finally opens his eyes again, vision blurred as hot tears quickly begin to fall.
“I- i’m sorry” Jisung begins with a shaky breath. “I don’t really know what to say Min. I’m just sorry” Jisung sighs defeatedly.
“It’s okay Ji” Minho says softly, shifting closer to Jisung, placing his hand on top of Ji’s as an attempt to get him to stop hurting himself. Sometimes Ji doesn’t really realise he’s doing it until Minho tells him to stop or until he finally unclenches his fists and feels the sting of the fresh wounds created by his finger nails.
Jisung hates this. Even when they’re supposed to be breaking up, even when Minho too is hurt, he still takes care of Jisung. Maybe breaking up is what’s best for Minho. He would finally be able to focus on himself rather than always taking care of Jisung.
Minho doesn’t say anything else. He knows Ji just needs time to organize his thoughts and get out what he wants to say. So they sit there for a minute, sat face to face cross legged, holding hands in the crushing silence.
After a while, Jisung breaks the silence with his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry for everything. I know things have been weird between us recently. I never wanted it to get like this I just-” I just thought you deserved better than me.
Minho cups Jisung’s right cheek, gingerly wiping away the fresh tears falling with his thumb .
“It’s okay Ji.” and he looks like he really means it. But how can Jisung believe him when nothings okay. They’re about to break up and Jisung is going to lose one of the best things that has ever happened to him. Nothing will ever be okay again.
Jisung leans into his touch, savoring the last few moments he has in heaven.
“I think maybe breaking up could do us some good anyway.” Jisung lets out a wet laugh, a poor attempt at trying to make light of the situation.
Minho removes his hands from Ji’s face as if he had been burned and his face twists in confusion
“Don’t say that”
“sorry bad joke”
Jisung sees the hurt flash across minhos face and he wants to die. Why can’t he ever say the right thing? This is why Minho would be better off without him.
Silence kidnaps them.
Minho sighs
“I obviously still love you so much and i’ll always be there for you if you need me Ji but i don’t think it’s fair to the both of us to keep going on like this”
“I still love you too hyung and i’ll be here if you ever need me. This doesn’t have to mean things are over between us. We can still be friends?” Jisung doesn’t even believe what he’s saying, things are over and he could never be just friends with Minho. It would hurt too much to be so close yet so far to the thing you love and cherish the most.
Silence.
“Yeah. Friends.” Minho mumbles stiffly. They both know they can’t be friends.
For a second no one says anything and the silent understanding that they can never enjoy each other’s presence again lingers through the thick air.
“Will you be okay?” Minho mumbles so softly, he’s sure there’s no way Jisung even heard him.
Jisung smiles sadly in return, even after they’ve decided they aren’t right for each other, Minho still only thinks about Jisung instead of himself.
“Hyung” Jisung sighs “Look at me” and when Minho’s eyes meets his own, Jisung regrets everything. Minho looks sad, wrecked, exhausted and Jisung knows this is all his fault. Maybe it would have been better for Minho if they’d never met at all. A part of Jisung wants to beg, wants Minho to take it all back, wants to promise they will be okay and all they need is to work on it and communicate more but, this is what Minho wants. Jisung should respect that. Even if he feels like he’s dying.
“You shouldn’t be thinking about that right now.” and before Minho is able to cut Jisung off and go on a tangent about how he won’t ever stop worrying about Jisung, Jisung continues “I will be okay, and like we said we’ll still be friends right?” wrong, so so wrong but Jisung wants so bad for it to be true.
“so we can still check up on each other okay? don’t stress so much. I-” Jisung chokes his words, he’s pretty sure he can physically feel his heart shattering.
“I love you okay? so so much. Always have, Always will.” Jisung uttered softly, voice breaking at the fact.
He loves Minho more than he’s ever loved anything and it’s all over. What is Jisung supposed to do after this? How is he supposed to live after they leave the bubble of Minho’s apartment and actually have to accept that they’re broken up. What will they tell their friends? This will make everything so awkward with the guys. Everything is crumbling and it’s crumbling fast, giving Jisung no chance to make sense of it all.
Jisung is broken out of his thoughts by the feeling of Minhos arms around his shoulders. He is immediately smothered into a tight hug as Minho’s body ricochets violently from his sobbing with his neck buried in the crook of Jisung’s neck. Jisung is stunned for a second but then he immediately hugs Minho tighter and sobs into his shoulder.
“I love you Ji. I’m sorry” Minho sobs into his neck, words broken up and barely coherent as he holds clings onto Jisung tighter, like if he let go the world would end, and in a way, he’s right.
They stay like that for a while, postponing the inevitable.
Finally Jisung pulls away, his hands reaching for Minho’s cheeks as he wipes tears away from his red rimmed eyes. Minho leans into his touch.
“I should go.” Jisung whispers, not trusting his voice to say more.
“Yeah” Minho mumbles.
They stare at each other for a second, looking deep in each others eyes trying to find an answer, a solution, anything that will undo this. But all they find is hurt and regret.
Jisung plants a soft kiss on Minho’s lips and he wants to cry all over again because he knows that will be the last time.