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The atmosphere in the house was miserable. Diamond had taken to wearing a moth-eaten sweater even Banri found too unfashionable to put on, covering up her undeniable assets in dingy wool. Banri was ready to bite everyone's head off in a frustrated way that made Gojyo sure he wasn't getting any and was almost ready to kick Diamond out. That didn't seem as attractive a proposition as it would have been even a couple of days before, given the way Kaihou hovered around, all too obviously ready to be a monk-in-shining-armour if anyone looked at her the wrong way. Kaihou's own interests in sex had dialled all the way back down to finding hand-holding a bit racy. Gojyo was beginning to contemplate going back to the bar to crack some fucking skulls on the principle that the bastards had messed up everyone's life.
"We can't let the bad guys win," he said, watching Kaihou wrap his robes tight around himself like a chastity belt, and went in for a kiss that somehow ended up as a chaste peck on the cheek as Kaihou danced aside and evaded his hug.
"I'm just -" Kaihou said, an overly bright smile on his face, " - running late, Gojyo."
"For what? No, wait, I don't mean to raise my voice -"
Kaihou looked back from the doorway. "Of course you don't! You're not taking access to my body as your right. That I don't get a say in."
"Fucking hell! Kaihou!"
The door didn't slam, but barely. Gojyo kicked the pillows across the room and back until he sort of calmed down, then got dressed and slammed out himself. Kaihou was braced against the cooker, watching the kettle boiling madly, muttering to himself.
"So fucking stupid," he told the steam viciously. "That's what you are. Fucking stupid and useless."
Gojyo balled his fists. Great. More fucking shit to start the day; he loved hearing people's opinion of himself before breakfast.
"You can be a real bastard when you want," he said, letting it sound as sharp as he felt.
Kaihou jumped and turned. "Gojyo!" He looked like he did sometimes when he'd been learning to be useful after he first sort of recovered: helpless and scared, like he was about to be told he was doing everything in his life wrong. "You're right. I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that, I wanted to be mean to you and I was! I know you - I don't think - I -" His shoulders sagged and he simply turned around again, shoving one wide sleeve up, and stuck his bare arm into the boiling steam. Gojyo leapt forwards and grabbed him away.
"Fuck! What the hell? Kaihou! You can't - Kaihou, let me see."
The scald was red and angry for all the steam had only had a couple of seconds to do its work. Kaihou's face was pale and set, his mouth clamped shut in a thin line. Gojyo dragged him to the sink and let cold water run over the arm, thinking about the kettle boiling furiously as if it had been for some time, Kaihou standing there, looking now in Gojyo's memory like he was psyching himself up. Had he been planning on doing this all along? What if Gojyo hadn't come to pull him away?
"What's going on?" he said, trying not to sound like, You moron.
"I was mean," Kaihou said, sounding ill. "If I was that disrespectful to my Teacher, he'd - Ukoku would have punished me. Don't worry, Gojyo, I won't embarrass you by crying. He always said, Stop that noise, or I'll give you something to really cry about." He drew a deep breath. "It's not so bad. God, I wish I had the Muten, though."
"This isn't how we say sorry to each other," Gojyo whispered to him, appalled. "I'm gonna go buy some frozen peas, OK? You can hold them on your arm, if you don't have a spell to fix it."
"I wasn't taught too much of that sort of magic," Kaihou said with a sound that almost qualified as laughter. He rested his face against Gojyo. "He always made sure I was fixed up after, when he felt I'd learnt my lesson. It's shitty to miss him, right?"
"Sit at the table and don't do nothing," Gojyo said, then grabbed the jar of housekeeping cash and ran out the door.
The nearest pharmacy listened to his garbled tale of a kitchen accident and sold him ointment and gauze, then it was on to the corner store for an overpriced pack of frozen peas and a few cans of fizzy orange on the theory that sugar would fix things faster than anything. It seemed like a good theory, given the weepy pleasure with which Kaihou cracked the first one open. Worse than a terminally-depressed lush with cheap beer, and Gojyo knew from terminally-depressed lushes.
"Better?" Gojyo said, after he'd finished with the ointment and gauze and the peas were being applied.
"Yes," Kaihou said. "Sorry I've been so awful for the last couple of days."
"I know the thing with Diamond's been . . . tough for you," Gojyo said carefully.
Kaihou nodded. "I wish I could have killed those men," he said. "I'm a sanzo, I can do what I want, after all! It would only have been justice." He smiled; a sweet little smile like a child. "And I'd have enjoyed it."
Gojyo paused, then pushed the next can of neon orange towards him. "You weren't dressed as a sanzo. People would have thought you were just a common murderer."
"Oh, boo. I suppose you're right." Kaihou drank, a thoughtful look on his face. "This is so yummy! Ooh, I have an idea - we all need to cheer up and put this behind us, don't we?"
"Yes," Gojyo said, relieved. "The faster we can put it behind us the better. It was a shitty night, but we lived to tell the tale, and those guys're gonna be singing soprano for a while."
"Yes," Kaihou said. "You know, I think a lot of poor Diamond's problem is she's thinking about it too much. It's better if you can't remember things like that clearly. Much better." His expression was firmly, Don't ask questions, so Gojyo just nodded. "We should have a nice dinner and a games night, then I think everyone will feel a lot better, don't you?"
"Uh, maybe?"
There was a shuffling noise and Banri wandered in like a zombie, Diamond silent behind him. He yawned and jerked a thumb at Kaihou's arm.
"What's up with the mummification, Blondie?"
"I hurt myself," Kaihou said, rolling his eyes. "I'm going shopping so everyone can stay in and wait for me."
"No way. Me and Diamond are goin' out for some proper food, none of your half-assed cookin' -"
"I said everyone is staying in all day until I come home," Kaihou said, the echoes of his voice rolling around the room. Gojyo felt rooted to his chair. There was no reason for him to ever get up. Banri staggered, yawning even more widely.
"I'm wrecked," he said in a dazed manner. "Gonna catch a few more z's." He wandered back out of the room. Diamond drifted over to the couch and curled up, instantly asleep.
"Wow," Kaihou said brightly. "Just as good as you with the Muten, Revered Teacher. Gojyo? Gojyo! I didn't mean to get you! You can go out if you want."
"Huh?" Gojyo said, slowly, very slowly lifting his head, but Kaihou had already skipped away. Gojyo stared down at the table again, fascinated by the scratches on its battered surface. It seemed like only a few minutes before he heard the front door opening and Kaihou was back, humming a pop song.
"Wakey-wakey! Why don't you help me by chopping the onions?"
Gojyo blinked. The table was covered with plastic bags. He rubbed at his eyes, unsure of the time. The light coming in the window seemed lower, more like late afternoon.
"Whoa, you really did some shopping, huh? How'd you get it all back here?"
"A nice man offered to carry it for me. I'm going to recreate a lovely dinner we had in a restaurant! And do a special dessert too. And then afterwards -" Kaihou pulled two brightly coloured boxes from a bag with a flourish. "We can have fun!"
Snakes and Ladders and My First Mahjong Set. Gojyo raised his eyebrows. There'd better be some beer in the bags to make playing either with Banri count as fun. He rummaged and found both a six-pack of beer and a bottle of wine.
"Onions," Kaihou said sternly, tying an apron adorned with pink hearts over his robes. "Beer later."
"Yessir, Sanzo-sama, sir."
"Good boy," Kaihou said, and twirled in to go up on tiptoes and kiss the tip of Gojyo's nose. Gojyo found himself pink with pleasure and unsure why. Maybe it was just that Kaihou was defrosting a bit after the last few days. He rolled up his sleeves, laid out the onions, and got into slicing his victims nice and thin. Beside him Kaihou sliced meat and the non-stinky vegetables, arranging his ingredients neatly as he murmured to himself.
"I'm going to do something fairly simple," Kaihou said in a confidential tone, "but it'll have enough meat to count as being fancy! And I got lots of spices. Hmm, I'll just cook the noodles to have them ready -"
"Careful," Gojyo said as he set a pot of water on the cooker.
"It's all right. I'm feeling OK again now, you don't have to worry. Once I have a plan I don't get silly!" As the noodles cooked he retrieved a couple of tubs from the tiny freezer in the fridge and spooned ice cream into a large bowl, hammering it into a solid mass.
"What did that ever did to you?"
"Hee hee! This is supposed to get super cold and I don't have time, so I'll just have to cheat." He pointed at the bowl and said something that made Gojyo's teeth ache. "That should do it. Probably. Do you think turning it as cold as the grave will work? Oh well, necessity's the mother of invention, as Ukoku used to say before finding some other cool way to destroy things."
"You don't really think that bastard ever did anything cool, do you?"
"No, of course not," Kaihou said, shoving the bowl forcefully into the freezer. "Ah! The noodles!" He drained them, dumped them in another bowl of cold water and started flash frying the meat before cooking the vegetables, putting the meat back and - a little guiltily - opening a bottle of sauce he poured in before adding a few more spices. "I thought it might be safer not to do the spices myself," he said.
"Are we having twice-cooked pork?" Gojyo said.
"And cold noodles! I liked them in that restaurant we went to - I cheated again and got packaged spicy sauce for half and sweet sauce for half."
It was still much fancier than anything Gojyo had ever bothered trying to rustle up. He pursed his lips at the last big bowl in the house - when had they got so much crockery? Kaihou was a fiend for cute kitchenware - having eggs cracked into it.
"Should I ask why you're whipping that many egg whites?"
"It's a surprise."
"What about the yolks?"
"Tomorrow's breakfast."
Fair enough. He watched the bowl being set aside and helped Kaihou clean up.
"I think we can let the others rejoin us," Kaihou said, and snapped his fingers. "Time to wake up!" he called.
The heap of laundry on the couch rolled over and resolved itself into Diamond. Gojyo looked at her in confusion; how had he not noticed her until then? She sat up, rubbing her eyes.
"What time is it?" she mumbled.
"Almost dinner time! You can help set the table."
"Pfft, I don't think so, Kai-Kai."
"Yes. Up you get. I'm doing the cooking so you can pull your weight. I'd say set out wine glasses but we still only have the glasses that the New Year's jam came in. Gojyo, how come you never got yourself some real glasses?"
Gojyo shrugged. He'd liked the jam and got some cute New Year-themed glasses for free - it seemed obvious to him.
Diamond wandered over and looked at the food silently. "It smells good," she said after a while.
"Yes! It's made with a secret ingredient," Kaihou beamed. "You'll see."
Gojyo was astonished to see her actually go and take the glasses from the cupboard and put them on the table, along with chopsticks from the stash that he replenished every time they got take-out. Banri meandered in, scratching his ass, and zeroed in on the beer. Gojyo waited for the shriek of annoyance, but Kaihou just smiled peaceably.
"Nice one, Gojyo," Banri said after his first swallow.
"Y'can thank Kaihou."
"Huh. Thanks, Blondie."
"Not at all! Everyone sit down, dinner's just about ready."
"It better not be that boring veggie shit," Banri said, and elbowed Diamond. She looked annoyed and moved away. He rolled his eyes and gave Gojyo a Can-you-believe-chicks? look. Gojyo really didn't think there was a dinner in Chang'an that could fix those two.
Kaihou started ferrying the food to the table and everyone began to chow down. Between the noodles, the pork and the vegetables even Banri hadn't much to complain about, and the food seemed to be working its own kind of spell. Diamond sniggered at Banri's stupid jokes. Banri looked less peevish than he had been, once female admiration was turned his way once more. Kaihou was pink with exertion and happiness, now and then letting his hand touch Gojyo's. Once or twice Gojyo caught him whispering something about everything will be all right, which was so sweet, like a child wishing good things into being.
At last Kaihou stood up and went to the fridge. "Time for dessert!" He pulled out the bowl of solid ice cream and produced a round sponge cake from his final bag of shopping, putting it on a flat metal tray. "Now the ice cream has to go on this -" He vainly shook the bowl over the cake as Banri laughed. "If it doesn't come neatly out of the bowl right now I'll evaporate it with the force of my fury," Kaihou trilled, glaring at the bowl, and everyone howled with laughter. The ice cream dropped neatly onto the cake, a perfect mound of snowy whiteness. "Better," Kaihou said stonily, and started spreading his egg whites all over it. "You can firm up again while you're at it."
"What are you doing with that?" Diamond said.
"It's going in a nice hot oven," Kaihou said, sliding the whole thing into the oven as he spoke.
"He's putting ice cream in the oven? What the hell's wrong with monks?" Banri chortled. "I'm not cleaning that up, I'm telling you now."
"I'm sure it'll be -" Gojyo started loyally and sighed. What a mess. He saw a night of cleaning ahead of him.
Kaihou grinned at them all. "Wait and see." About ten minutes later he pulled the tray back out. His creation seemed to be in one piece, which had to be a testament to either his skill in magic or maybe the oven not being on. But the egg whites were browned and set and it was definitely warm -
"It didn't melt!" Diamond said in astonishment as Kaihou proudly placed it in the middle of the table and gave Gojyo a large knife to cut portions for everyone. "How'd you do it, Kai-Kai?"
"Magic," Kaihou said solemnly. "It's called a Baked Alaska - it's a dish that commemorates a previous Muten Sanzo who destroyed part of the Western Continent for their impiety and wickedness."
They celebrated the victory of Buddhism by devouring every scrap. When the games came out afterwards Gojyo was surprised that Banri and Diamond didn't complain or mock at all. Maybe the beer had been some fancy super-strong brew?
"I vote mahjong," Banri said. "Everyone get ready to owe me . . . one million dollars!"
"Man, I wish you'd never seen that movie," Gojyo said, shaking the tiles out. "Are you gonna quote it all night?"
"Oh, yeah."
Diamond giggled, her cheeks flushed with food and heat from the cooking. She wriggled out of Banri's godawful old sweater and let it drop on the floor, gathering her tiles to her.
"Kai-Kai, you and me'd better make an alliance!"
"I've led a very sheltered life with a holy monk as a guardian," Kaihou said, his eyes wide. "What can I know about such games?" He swirled his tiles and set up a perfect wall without bothering to look, and everyone laughed.
Half-way through the game Gojyo remembered that all of the evening had been meant to cheer them up for some reason, though he couldn't really put his finger on why all of them had been down. It was probably nothing: Banri and Diamond were sniggering like dirty-minded twelve-year-olds over something crass and dumbass that had dribbled out of Banri's mouth, everyone was well-fed and not actually fighting for once and Kaihou looked happy and very pleased with himself. Probably because he was almost certainly cheating at mahjong like a pro, and no one could work out how.
Gojyo shook his head, grinning. His little monk had hidden depths.