Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Nico left the paddock as a driver on December 2nd of 2016, but Lewis had felt him leaving, pulling away really, for a long time before that. 

He won the championship and Lewis was so very happy for him. It's always something magnificent to see your lifelong friend achieve their dream, the one you'd talk about late into the night together when you were younger. Especially when you're there to see it, even if it’s not in the way you’d expected it to happen. 

It's such a special moment that it takes over all of his feelings of disappointment in himself, because that's all they used to talk about when they were children. Eyes full of hopes for themselves, together, the wonder duo, friends ‘till the end-

And as much as Lewis knows he probably doesn't get to call himself Nico’s friend anymore, not after all the fights and ignoring the other and the cold conversations and everything, he can help but look at Nico holding his trophy with that smile on his face, the one he always has when he's so happy it lights up his whole face, and think that oh, he looks beautiful. He's always been beautiful. Lewis just wishes he's let himself act on his attraction sooner. Maybe things would be different for them. But they were scared, and in some way, they still are now.

He watches Nico celebrate with the flag of his home country on his back, his eyes looking wild and hair wet from sweat. The mechanics and everyone are patting him on the back congratulating him, all smiles and laughter, because they- Nico did it. He won and Lewis didn’t. 

Nico looks down from where he’s perched on a mechanic's shoulders and sees him. They look at each other from afar and Lewis smiles and mouths a congrats at Nico and hopes he can catch it, feel the sincerity of it even with all the noise and people around them. After all, they've always been able to tell what the other is thinking from across a room filled with people. They could never let their eyes stray too long from each other, like they were continuously pulled in the same direction.

Lewis watches the celebrations for a bit then turns around and goes back to his driver’s room, never noticing the gentle but sad smile that appeared on Nico’s face as he watched him walk away.

Later, after Lewis learns through the media about Nico’s retirement and stares at the wall for a good time, knowing that he shouldn't feel sad that Nico didn't tell him himself, because he doesn't deserve it, he goes to his closet and rummage around until he finds a nondescript old cardboard box. 

It contains picture after picture of him and Nico, photographs taken by others that Lewis had managed to get his hands on. Some of them from their early days together and others from more recent years. They are all organized and well loved, even after years of being pulled out and then hidden in a box.

Lewis decided to keep them with him as some sort of memento. He usually goes through them when he's feeling nostalgic, but now, it's with a somewhat bitter heart. Because those pictures remind him of all that he had, and that has now disappeared from his life without even saying a word of it.

He's… angry. It's weird, because that is a feeling he would have never associated with the thought of Nico before. Throughout all of their fights, all he ever felt was irritation and annoyance, never any real anger or resentment. He never thought he'd ever be really angry at Nico, but it's more of quiet anger that simmers in him now.

He sits with his anger long enough for his and Nico’s.. friendship to become something more rotten than it used to be good. Lewis carries it around with him for years, never really acting on it, except in some interviews where regret takes over and words flow out of his mouth too quick for him to take them back, and he only lets go of it after he realize it was grief all along.

Grief after something still warm and alive that was so close yet will probably never be again.

Time passes by and the world moves on.

It's been almost a decade now, they haven't really talked to each other except for media interviews and other Formula 1 related things. Nico has a family, Lewis has Ferrari now, they're both happy in their own little world, at least from what he can see. Nico still follows him on Instagram, he doesn't know what that means, but Lewis does find himself often going through Nico’s feed, something tight in his chest whenever he sees a picture of him and his family, all smiles and happiness. He wishes it was him sometimes, that he too could have love like that, then he remembers all the things he said to Nico and realizes Nico deserves all the good things he has, even if Lewis is not amongst them.

(Lewis lets himself have some nice things too, but they all seem to slip away from his fingers quicker than he can catch them. Like his dog, his sweet, caring dog. He used to have Roscoe too, once. Lewis misses him, too. He misses how easy it was to be loved and love in return. And he grieves him every minute of every day, because that was his dog. And he was so happy with him by his side. But now he's really alone. He doesn't know what to do with that.)

Lewis only admits to himself in the dark of his hotel rooms how he misses Nico. It's been so long and he knows he should've moved on already, a lot of people would have. But no one really moves on from Nico Rosberg. 

He was such an important person in Lewis' life for years, that the gaping hole he left still lingers in his mind after all these years.

A lot has happened and changed for him during that time: championships, new teammates, girlfriends, Roscoe… but he finds that no matter where he goes or what he does, there is always something missing- someone missing.

Everything that he gets stays with him so shortly, the only thing that ever felt permanent to him were cars and Nico. Letting go of things has only ever gotten harder for him over the years.

Lewis's aware that in some way, his love for Nico, (because that is what it is and that's what it's always been, even when he didn't want to admit it to himself, even when he avoided it and pretended it was just attraction and nothing more), will never be the same as it once was. There can never be the same love twice, not with all the different kinds of love there is in the world but it's still love, as twisted and unhealthy as it probably is.

He doesn't really know Nico anymore either. Lewis only knows who he used to be. He kinds of hates himself for still loving the shadow of what once was. It's pathetic of him, but Lewis has always been a pathetic man where Nico is concerned. He clings to that shadow so hard and desperate he sometimes wonders if Nico can feel it. 

And he must, Lewis has seen the videos and interviews, and despite everything pointing him the other way, he still lets himself hope, selfishly and quietly.

He writes letters sometimes, just for himself or for Nico. He writes everything he wishes he'd let himself say all those years ago, all the things he was too much of a coward to admit. He’ll never send them, no, they'll stay forever hidden in the old cardboard box with all of their pictures in his closet at home and never see the light of the day. He can't make himself throw them away, as much as he knows he probably should. He can't rip the band aid off.

He's lived with the pain for so long, it's become a part of him, carved itself into his heart, a permanent scar. Letting it heal would just make his grief worse.

Lewis does wonder sometimes what'd happen if he did send one of the letters to Nico. If it'd change anything. But it would do nothing but torment them both in the end, so he keeps all the what-ifs in his fantasies and continues writing letters to someone who will never read them in the silence of his home.

My dearest Nico,

How are you? How's your family, are the girls doing well? Are you happy?

Sometimes I go to your Instagram page and I see the pictures you post of us when we were younger and I wonder if you can still remember how we used to wake up at the crack of dawn to put our swimsuit on and go to the beach to watch the sun rise. Trying to stay quiet so as to not wake up everyone but giggling silently the whole way outside. Don't you wish we could go back to the simplicity of it all?

I wonder if you remember our first races together, in karting, how exciting and real it felt to race against each other. You were and have always been the only one who ever could make me truly and undoubtedly enjoy racing in its purest form.

I do still love it, I always will and I think you do too, even if it's been years since you quit. You stayed and I think that means a lot.

I think that back then I mixed up what I felt for racing and what I felt for you. It all got so intermingled in the end, it was just a big mess and instead of taking the time to detangle it and talk, I let it stay the way it was until it was just another thing forgotten on the ground. And I hate myself for that.

I wish I had the courage to take my heart out of my chest and lay it bare to show you how it has and only will ever beat for you.

I miss your warmth, your laugh and how it filled a room so easily. I miss the comfort of your arms and the hugs we shared. I remember how nice they were, how they managed to make me feel safe so easily. I miss the way you would tell stories, all dramatic and excited, gesturing with your hands everywhere. I miss the days when we would share my bed together after wrestling because we were too tired to make yours on the ground in my room. I miss the looks we would give each other after each race and how we would kick our feet under the table during debrief. I just miss you.

You were everything and you still are now.

I hope you know you'll always be loved by me, even if you might not want it, want me, i’ll always be there. Not waiting, because I know I missed my chance and you've built something truly amazing for yourself, what happened between us back when we were younger was all I got, and I'm okay with that. I'll just be there, watching from afar.

It's always good to see you in the paddock, even from far away. 

Take care of yourself and im sorry, i love you

-Lewis

It’s a few hours before quali and Lewis is walking through the paddock by himself with headphones on. His mind is going in circles about strategy and tire degradation and points and how the car feels, when he sees someone stop beside him.

He turns around and sees George, who's wearing a weird Mercedes puffer jacket that looks like something someone would wear in an alien movie, slowly falling into step with Lewis.

“Hey, George, you good?” He takes off his headphones and puts them around his neck.

“Yeah, I'm good, thanks. I was just wondering something, mate. And feel free to tell me if I'm overstepping, but, uh,” He waves his hands around, seemingly having no idea how to get his thoughts into order and Lewis is a bit amused at his ex-teamate attempts at a conversation. “How long’s it been since you've talked to Nico?”

Lewis feels his heart stopping for a quick second before he plasters back a smile on his face and replies. “Hulkenberg? We haven't talked this weekend at all. Why is there something wrong?”

And, yes, he knows that George is probably not talking about Hulkenberg but Lewis still tried to buy himself a few seconds to freak out a bit about someone, especially George who's the person he'd least expect to gossip, wanting to talk about that Nico with him.

“No, not Hulkenberg. Uh, Nico Rosberg?”

“Ah,” He tries to look around to see if this is some sort of a prank before looking back at George. “I haven't really talked to him in years, except for some interviews. Why are you asking me this, George?”

He seems to get a bit more courage at that and explains. “Well, I was talking with Kimi about something that he talked with the rookies about. And well the subject of 2016 popped up and he asked me if I knew what really happened between you two back then,” George glances at him quickly before averting his gaze away again. “I was going to tell  him what I knew, but then I realized that what I knew was what everyone knew, because there was so much media coverage of your rivalry going out that year.”

“Yeah, the media had fun twisting and using some of our moments for their own needs and all. I'm sure you're aware that not everything that was said about our… fight, was true.” Lewis has an idea of where this is going and he doesn't really know if he wants to talk to George about all of it.

“Yes, yes. I know that, but um, what I was wondering was if you two were friends,” They stop walking and Lewis turns to look at George inquisitively. “Or if you were… more.”

Lewis lets the words hang in the air for a second before he drags a hand over his face and sighs. 

Well, I've got nothing to lose. “We were something.”

George lets out a surprised breath, like he didn't quite expect Lewis to actually answer. “Oh.”

“You can see it didn't end well. So, no, I haven't truly talked to him in a while. And I don't know if I'd ever be ready to try.”

“Do you… miss him?”

“You can’t miss what you never had in the first place.”

They stand in silence for a minute before he nods and moves to leave. But before he can, George says something that will keep echoing in Lewis's mind for many sleepless nights.

“You should still try, I mean, at least let the universe know that you tried. Let him know that you still care, even if it doesn't end up doing anything in the end.”

Lewis stares at him, weirdly moved and nods. “I… yeah, I'll think about it. Thanks, George.”

Just before he walks away, George tells him with a quiet intensity. “Thank you for trusting me with this. I won't tell anybody else, I promise. But I do wish you the best if you do decide to talk with him again, mate.”

He pats him on the shoulder and walks back to the Mercedes motorhome, leaving Lewis standing there, more thought than ever swirling around in his head.

During debrief after quali, Charles asks him if he's good and Lewis tells him he's fine, even if he feels fractured with no idea of what he should do.

Because isn't it too late for them? What could they ever be able to fix after all of the time that has passed. 

So he lets it go, even if the idea, the possibility, stays with him.

A few weeks after that conversation, Lewis is out shopping for groceries in Monaco and yes, he knows he could just have them delivered directly to his apartment, but he still prefers doing them himself. It’s all so normal in the way practically nothing in his life is anymore that he actually enjoys the mundanity of it all more.

It's a part of his routine that helps ground him into himself and not the persona he wears for the world.

He's wearing casual clothes, jeans and a white shirt and a cap, not the most efficient of disguises, but he didn't want to attract too much attention. Anyways, the locals are used to seeing celebrities around here, it's Monaco, after all.

So when he's walking around the store, it really shouldn't be any surprise to see him, they do live in the same city after all, but it's still a shock to his heart to see him in the dairy aisle, with a grocery cart already full and wearing clothes that look so comfy and his hair as perfect as always and Lewis want to run his hands trough it-

Nico looks up and sees him and for a second they just both look at each other in the middle of the dairy aisle in a grocery store. Lewis always thought that the place where they'd, maybe, hopefully, start talking again would have been near the paddock, in an interview or something media related. Not in Monaco during summer break. Not when Lewis feels so alone it's suffocating him. Not when Nico already looks to have healed from the past and moved on but Lewis still feels all the things he said chaining him back, left as forever bleeding wounds, unable to heal.

Despite himself, he feels his body move around the instincts he's developed over the years when it comes to seeing Nico that urges him to just make a run for it. He's always been good at running away from his problems, even if they always seem to catch up to him, somehow.

But Lewis remembers that conversation with George, how he said he should just try.

Lewis buries all those feelings of running away and flashes Nico a quick smile, because despite everything, Lewis is happy to see him. And he thinks that it’s all it will be, he doesnt want to dellude himself into thinking that Nico will actually talk to him,  but then he smiles back and oh, fuck, Lewis missed seeing him smile so so much. 

Then Nico opens his mouth and says so softly Lewis thinks he might have imagined it, “Oh. Hey, Lew, good to see you, how’ve you been?” He looks so gentle and Lewis might just combust from all the repressed love he feels for Nico right now. It's like everything he buried has been dug up in an instant and brought right to the surface of his mind. And his voice is just as nice as he remembers and Lewis doesn't know what to do with that fact.

“Hi, Nico, I've been good, taking things slow, you know, relaxing. It's nice to see you as well,” He puts his hands in his pocket before he gets the urge to go up to Nico and shake his hand or something. “How are, uh, things?”

“Yeah, things have been good, life is good,” Nico is smiling and despite the awkwardness of this whole interaction, Lewis can't help but be happy by its normality, how it's so mundane, like two old pals just catching up while seeing each other around and not them, Lewis and Nico, with their shared past holding up the space between them. “And, um, I know it's probably not the right moment, and that you've probably heard it from everyone, but I'm sorry about Roscoe. He was such a nice dog and I know you loved him a lot. I can't imagine what you're going through."

“Oh, thank you, that means a lot. Yes, things have been, uh, a little hard lately,” he says and looks up to Nico, who isn't staring at him with pity like he expected, but deep understanding. "I'm still grieving, you know. But it's getting easier each day. I've had a lot of support, so that helps.”

Nico nods at his words and says, almost hesitantly, "I'm sorry if it's weird and do feel free to tell me no, but can I, like, hug you?”

Lewis looks at him in surprise and before he does something he regrets like saying no and walking away, he nods and watches Nico walk up to him, holding his arms out. Lewis goes to him, because of course he does and he feels Nico arms going around him and Lewis holds him close and he just, breathes.

He might actually start crying in the grocery store if this continues and Nico pulls away and looks at him like he knows, and maybe he does. He did always seem to be more aware of Lewis's emotions than he himself was when they were younger.

Nico nods to his almost empty basket and says, “Want to get out of here?”

And Lewis smiles at him and responds with, “Yeah, do you wanna go get a coffee? I'll pay for everything, don't worry.” He's so desperate to keep Nico with him for just a second longer he doesn't care at this point if he looks pathetic. 

“Thank you, I appreciate that. Lemme pay for my cart first. There's this cute cafe down the street that has some great pastries. Come on, let's go.” Nico looks to him and worldlessly, Lewis follows him.

They walk together in the sun and get a coffee. They talk until it gets dark and they laugh and reminisce about the good ol’ days (Nico’s words) and Lewis can feel the weight sitting in his chest get lighter. They don’t talk about the championship and everything that came with it, they don't talk about what happened during those last years before everything shattered, they just focus on the times they were together and happy.

Maybe they should've done this years ago, like George said,  just sit down and talk, it probably would've saved them a lot of heartbreak. Yet, Lewis finds himself content that things led to this, to them talking somewhere outside of races, because he gets to watch Nico’s face light up whenever he talks about his family without caring for any camera capturing their conversation and the only thing Lewis has always loved more than Nico has always been seeing him happy.

And he gets to see it now.

(Lewis really hopes this isn't going to be a one time thing. He really wants to try to be friends again with Nico. He's willing to try, has been for so long.)

When he gets home that night, feeling happy and warm, he goes on his phone in search of Nico’s contact, because he never had the courage to delete it, and opens their chat thread. 

He doesn't look at their last conversation, can't bring himself to, so he writes a quick message to Nico and hopes that they'll get to see each other again soon.

Lewis: 

Hey, I really had fun today, it was good to talk to you. If you want, would you like to, maybe do something together again soon? I'd really like for us to be friends again.

He goes to sleep alone, but not feeling lonely and he thinks about Nico's laugh until he quickly falls asleep.

The next day Lewis wakes up and goes about his normal morning routine. He goes on a run, showers, eats and brushes his teeth. When he checks his phone, he sees a message from Nico and opens it with slightly shaking hands.

Nico: 

Hi, yeah i really loved getting to spend time with you, maybe we could go for a walk on the beach next week? I heard there's going to be a firework show on Wednesday.

Then another message under it, sent a few minutes after the first one. Lewis looks at it and he can feel his eyes starting to burn a bit.

Nico: 

You've never stopped being my friend, Lewis. See you next week, yeah?

There's a certainty to Nico’s words, texted to him like they're just a fact, something unchangeable like someone saying: Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton have always been friends. Lewis is… relieved to read those words, it brings a sense of peace that he hadn't felt for a very long time.

And Nico says it with such certainty, like the idea of Lewis saying no to seeing him is unimaginable. He's always been so sure of himself off track, never second guessing anything, it makes Lewis ache that he gets to see that side of Nico again.

So of course Lewis responds immediately, smiling so hard his cheeks ache.

Lewis: 

Yeah, can't wait. :)

Thank you.

Before he closes his phone he texts George a quick: You were right, thanks again.

He goes about the rest of his day feeling like he's floating, finding himself smiling at the most random things, and somehow the world looks a bit brighter.

Chapter Text

Nico drives to Lewis house feeling like a little kid again, all excited and nervous. They’d agreed to meet up at his place to eat before heading down to the beach for the fireworks show.

They don't live far from each other and Nico was explicitly aware of that (had been for a while). He does wonder how they never managed to cross paths before last week. When he'd moved in, it was with the selfish hope that he'd get to see Lewis more. Nico thought he had seen Lewis once, years ago, had even run up to him, but when the figure turned around, it was just another person. 

(He didn't know why his heart had sunk in his chest back then, or maybe he did know but had ignored it like he'd done with so many things. Nico knows now, and he came to terms with it long ago. His love for Lewis never left him, it just hid in the back of his mind, waiting for the perfect chance to come out again and destroy everything Nico has spent years trying to, well not forget, he could never forget Lewis, but repress.)

If Nico believed in anything related to Gods, he'd guess it was fate keeping them apart and then reuniting them once more (in the middle of a grocery store, but still.)

It took him a while to forget that… incident, and it's in the past now, but he's still glad that they're talking again and Lewis doesn't hate him. 

When he told Vivian about them seeing each other again, he was scared at first that she wouldn't agree with it. She's been with him for so long, she saw what he was like during the worst of their.. well fallout, one could say. Vivian saw him longing for Lewis in a way that was perhaps more than what someone does for another when they're supposed to be just friends.

But she never asked questions, just sat with him and understood, she stayed by his side through it all. Nico wonders sometimes if Lewis had someone with him like Nico had. Someone to hold him and comfort him when all the lights from the media and the press became too much. Someone to just be there to support him through the pain. Like Vivian was for him back then, and how she still is, now.

She smiled and looked genuinely happy for him. They held each other closely for a bit before she'd pulled back and asked him, “Nico, you know it's good that you guys managed to talk and I'm so truly happy for you. Whenever I thought about the two of you starting to talk again, I always thought I'd end up with you in tears because the memory of the past would just take over your mind the whole time you talked. But it's good that you're excited, god knows how long it's been about time for you two to talk again. We couldn't just let him come give gifts for the girls and let him outside forever. Maybe it's time for you to let him back in.”

Nico looks into her eyes and lets himself admit it, “Yeah, I really want that, Vives, so much.”

She smiles and runs her hand through his air, a comforting gesture he has become accustomed to, and tells him, “While it's good for you two that your second-first meeting didn't end up with tears and shouting, you know it's still important to talk about what happened. It's okay if it's not right now, take some time to figure out your places in each other's life. But you know if you don't talk about it one day, it may continue festering and not end well.”

Nico understands what she's saying, he is very aware of it in fact, and he knows it better to talk about it first before anything else happens. 

He prefers to know he tried to mend what they had, well have now, than live with the old resentment plaguing both of their minds, never being sure if bringing it up would destroy the careful friendship they'd make for themselves.

He thinks about it as he's driving and knows that he has to bring it up. 

But he'll let himself enjoy the evening a bit before the time to really talk comes.

To see you again feels like fate. Like it was the right time all along, not before this and not after.

I don't know where we'll end up going with this friendship, if we'll hurt each other again, but I'm willing to give it a try.

For both of us, I'm willing.

I can't wait to watch the fireworks with you. It feels like a second chance, but with the knowledge of how the first one ended.

I'm scared I'm going to screw this up again.

But I did say that I'm a better teammate than I was back in ‘16, didn't I?

I just want us to be together again. In any way, so long as I get to have seen you I'll be happy It’ll be enough.

-Lewis

Lewis hears a knock at the door and jumps up from where he was sitting on his couch, overthinking about everything and all that could go wrong. He opens the door smiling, because despite his anxiousness, he can't help but be excited.

Nico is holding a bottle of red wine in his hand and he's wearing a flattering sweater that looks very soft. Lewis holds the door for him and says, “Hi, Nico. Come in, come in, let me get that for you.” He holds his hand toward the wine bottle and Nico hands it to him with a smile and a nod.

“Thanks. You have a beautiful home, Lew. I love the decor, it feels very you.” Nico looks around his house with curious eyes. He notices the shelf in the living room with some of his racing trophies. He walks over to them and notices a few more recent ones, from 2024 and 2023, but most are from 2010 to 2018 surprisingly. 

There's also a lot of framed pictures -Lewis and his dogs, the Mercedes team, with his parents and friends, with other drivers- that are scattered everywhere. Even if Nico knows Lewis probably doesn't spend that much time in his house, it still feels very lived in and loved.

He points to a photograph of Lewis and Charles smiling together wearing Ferrari red and says casually, “I always knew red was your color.” Nico turns around and sees Lewis almost tripping against nothing and laughs.

“Oh, uh, thanks.” Lewis smiles at him, trying to calm his racing mind after seeing Nico laugh like that, and brings Nico a wine glass. “I just wish it’d bring me more luck in the races this year. But don’t tell the team I said that. Let's go sit outside.”

Nico winks and mimes zipping his mouth shut as he’s taking the glass from Lewis. Their hands briefly touch one another, sending a tiny electric shock down their arms, neither mentions it.

They make their way out to the balcony where Lewis leads them to a sofa. There’s fairy lights strung around the patio and Lewis made sure they were blankets just in case. (He knows that Nico gets cold easily, Lewis just wants him to be as comfortable as possible.)

They sit together without talking, just sharing the silence. 

Nico turns to glance at Lewis to see him already looking back at him. He smiles and decides that now is as good a moment as any. 

“I’m sorry I never told you I was retiring, back then.” Nico says, staring right into Lewis’s eyes. He hopes Lewis knows that he means it and that it’s one of the things he’s most sad about, when he thinks back to all that happened after his announcement of his retirement. “I know it’s probably a shitty excuse but, everything was going so fast and it was too much. I guess the fact that we were fighting also played a part in it but I still should’ve told you.”

Lewis stares at him and nods, looking away for a moment and clenching his hands. He knew they’d have to talk about 2016 and everything that came from it, he’s just a bit surprised Nico brought it up first.

He looks back at Nico and responds with, “I never blamed you for that, Nico. Sure, I was a bit angry that you didn’t tell me but I think it was more because I wouldn’t get to race against you anymore. I think ultimately, I was more sad about it than anything. But I can understand why you did it too. And I never held it against you, never will.”

“Oh, that’s… thank you.” Nico takes a sip of his wine and tries to calm his racing heart. 

Lewis takes a deep breath and decides, fuck it, “I didn’t think we’d talk about all that so soon but I’m just going to say it now,” Nico stares at him with a question in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I was an arsehole and destroyed our friendship. I got too into my own head and twisted everything, I treated you like shit and never tried to apologize to you about it. I’m sorry I ignored you for so long. I never meant to cause you pain and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for everything. I’m just sad I didn’t tell you all this sooner. Would’ve saved us a lot of grief.”

Nico chuckles a bit at that and quickly wipes the tears forming at the corner of his eyes. 

“I forgave you a long time ago, Lew. You may have started it, but I never tried to stop it either. For what it's worth, I’m sorry too.”

Lewis looks at him with a sad smile and says with all the honesty he can, “I’ve missed you, Nico. So so much. You meant the world to me and still do now.”

“I know, I’ve missed you too. You’ve never stopped being dear to me. That we let ourselves be brave enough to try again, to talk again, means a lot.” Nico leans down and puts his head on Lewis' shoulder. He gathers a blanket around the both of them and they watch the sunset together. 

They lapse back into silence, but this time it’s warm, full of all the things finally spoken.

After that, they sit together for a bit and Lewis orders them takeout that they go back inside to eat.

As they’re eating, Nico looks at Lewis and says, “I don’t think I’ve thanked you for that, so thank you for the gifts you send the girls every Christmas. They always look forward to opening them and are so happy every time.” He smiles fondly, thinking back to how he felt when the gifts first showed up on his doorstep, how his daughters loved them so, and continues, “To be honest, there was a part of me that was happy about it because, even if you were not there physically, you still got to be a part of my girls life.” 

Lewis smiles and replies, “Yeah, I just wanted you to know that some part of me still cared. I didn’t want to overstep, so, uh, that’s why I just stuck to sending them gifts on Christmas.” Then he smirks and says, “Were you jealous? Should I send some for you too now?” 

They both laugh and Nico tells him while gesturing wildly with his hands, “Oh, well, I certainly wouldn’t mind if the great Sir Lewis Hamilton was to send lil’ old me a Christmas gift. In fact I would be quite delighted!”

They spent the rest of their dinner quietly laughing and sharing secret smiles between themselves. Lewis gets up once they're finished to clean up and Nico comes to help him. It's all surprisingly domestic and without tension. They move together not in the same way they once used too, but in a manner that's both familiar and new at the same time. It's… nice.

“You ready to go?” Lewis holds a few blankets and gestures outside. “I think they're going to start the fireworks soon, because it's already pretty dark. Wouldn't want to miss them, yeah?”

Nico nods and puts on his shoes. “Yep, I'm ready, let's go.”

They don't have to walk for too long, the beach is quite literally next to Lewis's house. There aren't a lot of other people, so they manage to find a nice spot quite easily. Lewis puts down the blankets and they sit down near each other. It's all so very casual and Nico feels happy.

He leans back and feels Lewis doing the same beside him. They both stare at the stars silently, once again sharing the silence in the same space.

BOOM!

“Oh shit! That gave me a scare,” Lewis says into the air and Nico laughs so hard he has tears forming at the corner of his eyes. “Did not expect that, gosh.”

Nico's still laughing hard while holding his stomach, and says, “I see you're still quite the scaredy cat. I remember how I used to sneak up on you and you'd start cursing me out in front of Toto! Haha, you always tried to act nonchalant afterward, but you were just sulking.”

Lewis smiles and laughs quietly at that. “Yeah, you're probably still one of the only people who can successfully sneak up on me.” He chuckles and continues, “But I do remember seeing an interview of yours where Jenson gave you a scare and you jumped so high while holding your mic like a weapon! So I'm not the only one easily scared." 

Nico chuckles a bit at that and says, or more like whispers quietly into the air, “Yeah, well, maybe we're all a little bit like the people we used to love.”

Lewis stares at him, something indescribable in his eyes, then turns to look back at the fireworks. “Yes, maybe.”

They don’t speak again for the whole show, they just share the moment together, quietly in a way they never let themselves really do before. When they were young and loud and though the world revolved around them.

A bit farther away from where they’re sitting, there's a bunch of kids playing around in the sand with their parents watching, there's teenagers smoking and laughing a bit farther away, there's a young couple in their own little bubble in the distance and two old men holding hands as they walk near the shore.

There's Nico and Lewis, sharing the same blanket but staying silent together. Admiring the beauty of the lights in the night sky and feeling at peace even with all that they still hold inside.

They walk back together to Lewis house and when they arrive, they just look at each other for a moment before Lewis closes the distance and hugs Nico.

Before Lewis can second guess himself and pull away, he feels arms encircling him, quite reminiscent of that day at the supermarket, though this time, they let themselves fall into the warm embrace of the other without caring about prying eyes.

He feels settled and safe. He’d never thought one day he’d get to be back into the warm embrace of Nico again. They were never really into big hugs in front of people, instead just doing half-hugs that always made Lewis ache for more.

He’s glad they get to have this, now.

They step back and Lewis waves at Nico as he pulls away in his car. They’ll see each other again soon. This time he knows it, for sure.

Chapter Text

Time passes by in quick stolen moments. 

They spend more and more time together, four times Lewis goes to Nico’s house and eats dinner with his family. Vivian cooks vegan pancakes for them and Lewis brings her flowers the next time as thanks. Nico smiles at them both fondly while Vivian hugs Lewis and welcomes him into their home.

Lewis finally gets to meet Nico’s daughters and they love him. He plays with them while Vivian and Nico cook and they call him uncle Lewis. When he gets back home his face hurts from all the smiling he did and the hole in his chest starts closing, bit by bit.

He goes to bed every night with the knowledge that he gets to see them -and Nico- whenever he wants, because they've become so close he's basically an honorary family member at this point and it's not a wild fantasy of his that his mind conjured up years ago but reality.

Lewis's happier than he's been in years.

When he calls his mother a few days after their night at the beach, she starts crying on the phone saying, “Oh, you and Nico were always so close, practically inseparable, when you stopped talking it was like a piece of you left. But now, you sound so happy, Lewis, I'm glad you two finally talked. It's been a long time coming, honestly. I don't think either of you would have been able to stay away from the other long. Tell him I said hi next time you see him, okay?”

“...Thanks, mom, I am happy. And yeah, I'll tell him.”

“Good, good. I'm passing the phone to your father, he looks like he wants to say something.” He hears shuffling in the back and his fathers voice comes on the phone.

“Hey, son. Now, I'm not going to repeat all that your mother said, but there's one thing I want to tell you. You and him crashed and burned before and it wasn't pretty, don't do it again, got it?”

Lewis is silent for a moment before he finds his voice and replies, “Got it, dad. We're both trying together and it's going well. I'm not going to fuck this one up, dad, dont worry.” He doesn't tell them that if it doesn't end up working out with Nico, he’ll probably never be able to smile again. He's gotten too attached, maybe even more than he used to.

“Good. I miss that boy, he always had the most interesting arguments when talking. I remember how chaotic you two were together. Ay, you fit together so well. Invite him over some time, it'd be good to catch up with him.”

He hangs up and goes looking for his cardboard box with all of their pictures. When he looks through them now, he doesn't find himself hurting inside but instead quietly laughing at all the random things they used to get up to together.

After a few weeks, they get into a routine where they text each other things that they experienced during the years they didn't talk, as a sort of way for them to catch up. Sometimes it's completely random things that make Lewis laughs like:

Nico: 

You remember Jenson? Yeah, well one time at work like 1 year ago, he arrived in the morning at a meeting wearing a hot dog costume. Like, completely unprompted and then just sat like normal while everyone was staring at him. After, when I asked him why he was wearing THAT, he said some dude dropped their milkshake on him and that was the only change of clothes he had in his car!

He got an earful from HR but at least it was funny for the rest of us. I couldnt stop laughing at him, he just stomped away in his hot dog costume like a little kid. 

Lewis: 

Did u at least take a picture of him wearing it???

Nico: 

Course, who do you think I am? I wasnt gonna let this blackmail opportunity pass, nuh huh

Or

Nico: 

One time I was in the subway and this old lady sat next to me and started talking about how pigeons are government spies and always watching us. She got into so much detail and she somehow had a LOT of evidence?!? I think she permanently changed my worldview concerning pigeons, man. Whenever I see one now, I get paranoid.

Or

Lewis: 

Did you know Max still calls u Britney sometimes?

I get whiplash whenever i hear it

Nico: 

That guy is Satan incarnate i swear

Fuckkk, that nickname wont ever go will it?!

Lewis: 

Nope!

You should start singing her songs every time someone call you that

Id pay good money to see that

Nico: 

Yeah okay that does sound hella funny

But i want 20 bucks after i do it

Other times it's more reminiscence of the things they did when they were young:

Nico: 

You remember when we were sharing a hotel room and we snuck out during the night just before a race to go eat tons of ice cream?

Lewis: 

God, Dino never let us live that down didn't he? I remember the lecture we got after, that was awful. But for the ice cream? Worth itt

But sometimes it gets more heavy:

Nico: 

I still cant believe you thought i hated you all these years

I mean, did u see all the interviews where I talked about you? I think I even said one time that I still thought of you as my best friend

Lewis: 

I was too scared  to know what you'd say about me, so… i avoided watching them

Blocking out everything about u was sort of my way to try to move on, i guess, to try and not hurt the image i held you in

Even if it meant taking crazy measures like that time with my umbrella. Sorry about that btw, I was more trying to protect myself? I never meant to try to hurt u

You can see how that worked out now

Nico: 

…

I admit i was a bit hurt about that, but talking again really helped put things into perspective

I dont know if I said it before, but dont blame yourself all of our shit, we were in it together back then and we still are now

We shoulder the blame as one, okay?

And they do.

Sometimes Nico jokes about how they should attend couples therapy together, and Lewis doesn't feel the tight knot in his chest at his words. He laughs and smiles back.

It’s peaceful and new, in a way they never were. 

They go to a karting track together once, in between races somewhere in Canada, wearing stupid disguises: Nico with a blue cap on and jorts, Lewis with a fake mustache and glasses. They race, make it a competition and when they start shit talking to each other, it's lighthearted with no heat behind the words.

They both win a few races but in the end, Nico gets on top. When Lewis looks at him surprised but not that shocked, Nico just shrugs and smiles saying “I took my daughters karting a few times over the years. Can't let them beat me yet, can I?”

Lewis laughs. “I really can't believe you. Always one step ahead. Good race.” They both grin at each other and Nico forces Lewis to take a picture with him, both of them on the top step of the small podium the track has, their arms wrapped around the other and smiling wide.

Nico later sends it to him and Lewis asks him if he can post it. Nico seems shocked and texts:

Nico: 

THE Lewis Hamilton willing to post a picture with me where he ISNT the winner?! Hell YES

Im joking btw, but yeah go for it! 

Lewis: 

Okay thanks. I'm going to shut my phone off for a while. Dont really want to see the shit show that'll start after. Tho im sure itll be entertaining.

Nico: 

Yepp all good. Me, im going to bask in the chaos ;)

Lewis: 

Enjoy yourself, ya demon

Lewis smiles and posts the photo on his instagram, tagging Nico, with the caption: Always good to see you. Racing together again, even for fun, really brings me back. Congrats on P1, Britney ;)

He shuts off his social media and leaves his phone on his nightstand, grinning to himself thinking of all the chaos that's going to unfold.. 

Sure enough, everyone is shocked to see the two of them together again. Nico goes through most of his social media platforms looking at the response to Lewis's post. He decides to stir the pot even further and adds the post to his story, along with a picture Vivian took of the two of them at one of their dinners together.

He gets messages from a whole lot of people, the press mostly, asking for the story of how they started talking again. Nico leaves them all on read and happily continues his scrolling.

At the next race, they decide to stop pretending to ignore the other and instead can be seen spending a lot of time in each other's presence. Whenever someone asks them about their apparent reconciliation, they both play dumb and change the subject, constantly frustrating the press.

When Nico is walking back from an interview, he sees Max walking toward him. He smiles and says, “Hey, Max, how's it going?”

Max smiles back and claps him on the shoulder. “Good, great. Happy that you and Lewis got over your, uh, how do people say it? Ah! Divorce era.”

Nico can't help the laugh that gets out of him and sees Max grinning. “You’ll always be a little shit, won't you?”

“Part of the charm, Britney!” Max calls out as he walks ahead.

He laughs again, yelling out, “Good luck!” and continues to where he was going, happy that there doesn't seem to be any ill will between them. 

Nico spends the rest of the race with a cheerful expression on his face, catching himself watching more than once Lewis's red car and even hugs him after it's over, congratulating him on P4.

“Thanks, Nico. Happy you're here.”

“Yeah…I am too.”

There's a part of me that's scared of what we're doing. That we’re letting the media see us, again. It didn't help us last time. But I trust you. 

You've seen me hide when everyone was watching and shielded me when it mattered.

I said I'd try, didn't I? For you I've never been more happy to do so.

The feeling of seeing you in the paddock knowing I couldn't run up to you was one of the worst things. But now? I get to hug you again, freely, in front of everyone. And I find myself caring less and less about every little thing the media says about us.

I don't have the naive thought that everything they say about us is true like back then. I know what is and what is not, and that is enough.

We’re in this together, that's what you said. And I believe it.

-Lewis

The months continue to pass by.

They find themselves hanging out more and more around the paddock, doing interviews and challenges together, sometimes even with other drivers.

Some of the most memorable ones were with the Racing Bulls duo (they did a cooking segment and all left the kitchen with flour everywhere), the Mclaren duo (they talked about healthy rivalry and just spent the whole ten minutes sharing stories) and with the rookies (they included Fernando too, of course).

They continue going to karting tracks together, they bring their families along too and that ends up with one of the most competitive races they have, full of small challenges and laughs shared.

Sometimes they spend weeks without seeing each other, they both have work lives that make it hard. They understand that and make sure to communicate and be honest with each other. They are more open about their feelings, even if it's difficult, but they always make their way back to the other.

Lewis sometimes hangs out alone with Vivian and doesn't feel a deep sense of jealousy like he'd expected, but more of a feeling of contentment. He finds he's grown to care for her over the last months and feels happy about that.

She trades fashion tips with him and they go on multiple shoppings sprees together, much to Nico's dismay.

“You're both going to drain my bank account, you know.” He complains about it on one of their dinners after the girls have gone to bed.

Vivian raises an eyebrow and tells him. “Nico, we all know you have enough money to last one or two lifetimes. Now come help us take the tags off these shoes, hun.”

Lewis folds into two while laughing and raises his hand for her to high five, which she does while Nico drops to the floor dramatically while groaning. He does eventually end up helping them but only after they give him some shirts they'd bought for him and he gives them both big hugs. Vivian and Lewis both share a fond smile at his antics and continue their work.

The days where they go to Lewis’s house, they usually end up watching movies together and baking random recipes Nico finds for them online. Lewis usually puts music on and they sometimes dance languidly, without exchanging words, just peaceful silence as they sway to the music.

Other times, they go on runs together early in the morning, there's even mornings where one of Nico’s daughters join them and when that happens, they both go a bit slower and take her for ice cream afterwards.

Lewis takes them to an amusement park, going on every ride the girls want to go on as Nico and Vivian watch (safely, from the ground) with amusement. They take a bunch of pictures and all go on the ferries wheel together.

→Nico sent 6 pictures

Nico: 

Look at your dumbass on the last ride, why your face like that

You look like you're about to sneeze!

Oh and thanks for today, really

Lewis: 

Hahaha, your welcome

It was my pleasure really

Im posting the one with your big forehead tho, i look amazing in it

Nico:

LEWIS NO

I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU POST THAT

Lewis: 

Calm your tits! I was jokingg

Nico: 

Yeah yeah, whatever you say uh uh

Dinner still on for Monday?

Lewis: 

Yep, see u there

Later, when Lewis finds himself alone in his room, he takes account of all that he is feeling, and realizes that the old grief that was always buried deep into his heart isn't there anymore. Instead it had changed and filled the gaping hole in the middle of his chest, not in the same way it was before, but better.

He hasn't moved on, but he has healed and found something even better.

And he wouldn't change it for the world.

It's the same for Nico, though even if he has thought he'd moved on long ago, he still finds sadness when he thinks of all the time they lost. He tries to hide it, but of course Vivian sees right through him, he's never been able to really hide from her.

So he tells her everything, honestly.

“I’m so happy with what we have now, me and Lewis. But, Vivian, I can't help but feel, I don't really know, but sad? I guess. That we've lost all these years being stubborn pricks to one another. I missed him and I know he missed me, but we missed the version of us we aren't anymore, and I find that I still do…”

“Oh, love…”

He continues, shifting from his place on their bed, they're both in pajamas and it's a calm Wednesday night. “Im frustrated with myself because I know we'll never get it back, what we used to be. But at the same time, like I told you, I'm so happy for what we have now. I just… I don't know how to feel.”

Vivian takes his hand and turns his head so they're both staring at each other. “You two have always had that special bond that you can only have with your first true friend. He showed you how friendships felt. When you stopped talking and grew apart, loss was the only thing you could feel. And even if you've begun to talk again, started becoming friends, you have to know it'll never again be the same. You've both grown and changed, and know that it's beautiful, the people you've become.”

Nico leaned into her arms as she continued.

“You have so much love in your heart, Nico. I've always admired that about you, and I still do. Don't waste it for what's in the past, focus it on what you have now. Know that you loved who he was once, but that now, you get to love him again anew, not in the same way that you used to, but differently in a softer way.”

“I love you, so much. Thank you.” Nico mumbles from his place on her shoulder.

She smiles and pulls them back into bed. “I love you too. Now go to sleep, my love.”

In the morning, when Nico wakes up and sees her, he hugs her tightly, hoping to convey all that he feels. Vivian circles her arms around him and leans in, carding her fingers through his hair. He kisses her forehead and she smiles.

Despite what people may think, Vivian has never once doubted Nico’s love for her. Like she told him last night, she understands that there is so much love in his heart, not all of it will be for her. And she doesn't love him despite that, but because of that.

She watches Nico and Lewis hug in the doorway, and thinks to herself what a beautiful thing I get to witness.

She joins them with a soft smile on her face.

Chapter Text

2002

It's late in the afternoon, street lights turn on, people on the streets thin out, the beach calms down and the sun starts slowly going down on the horizon.

Nico and Lewis, both seventeen and with sun kissed skin, lay down on the still warm sand. They're both staying in Nico’s family vacation home in Greece, taking a well deserved break from all the racing they constantly put their souls into for the past months.

They spent the entire day surfing, playing beach volleyball with other teens, lounging around, (and they may or may not have taken one or two beers offered to them by some older guys), but overall just enjoying themselves.

Now it's late and they're both tired (and kind of buzzed), not the bad kind of exhaustion, but the kind of tired that leaves them both satisfied and content that they got to enjoy themselves. 

Lewis is laying down with his head cushioned on one of their beach bags, looking at the horizon, while Nico draws nonsensical patterns in the sand. They can still hear the faint thrum of music coming from the houses behind them, sometimes interrupted by voices laughing.

It’s peaceful, the silence that sits between them, casual in the way two souls who’ve known each other for so long can be.

Lewis breaks it, still staring ahead. “I hope we get to stay like this forever.”

Nico looks up from where he was concentrating on drawing what seems to be… an eagle? Or maybe it was a horse? He doesn't remember what he was drawing at this point. And he smirks at Lewis. “Oh, are ya getting sappy on me, Lew?”

“Nah, just… thinking I guess. About what's gonna happen to us in the future. You're going to BMW and I'll stay in karting. It's just the start of the road for us. And I don't want to lose sight of you. Or for you to forget about me.”

Figuring that Lewis is serious, Nico stops what he's doing and moves to sit right next to him. Lewis scoots so there's space for them both to put their heads on the bag.

“Yeah, it's gonna be weird not having ya to compete with me in races. It'll be different. But like you said, we've worked hard to get here, and we won't stop now, right?” Nico turns his head to look at Lewis and continues. “I won't lose sight of you, I'll just keep advancing and wait for you to join me. And we'll fight one another again, that's for sure.”

Lewis smiles at him and says something that Nico will remember for a long time. “Can you imagine if we both got into Mclaren, us fighting for the title, best friends and rivals, how cool it'd be? I don't want another teammate or rival that isn't you.”

“Yeah, that'd be wonderful.” Nico smiles back but doesn’t tell him that Yes, it's my dream, it's been my dream for as long as I've known you. It'd be the best thing in the world for me, to stand by your side till we're both tired of all the achievements we'll get together. I do imagine what it'd be like to be forever with you, a lot… Please stay with me.

They share quiet smiles and look at the night sky together, lying on the sand feeling like the only people in the world. After that, they don't speak again for a long, long time.

2008

There's music blasting everywhere around him, people moving their bodies to the beat, swaying and dancing around him. Drinks are being passed around and he's pretty sure he saw a few small white bags being exchanged.

Lewis is on his fourth or maybe fifth drink, feeling buzzed and warm all over. He's knocking back a shot with Fernando at the bar, who congratulates him once again on his win.

They're celebrating at a bar in Canada, a few hours after the Grand Prix where Lewis won his maiden race with Mclaren. He still feels a rush when he thinks of being on the top step of the podium, trophy in hand and then spraying champagne on everyone. He's pretty sure there's still some left in his air but he doesn't care. 

Many other people from other teams came to celebrate with him and he can spot other drivers drinking and dancing around the room. It's quite a funny sight to see Jenson Button and who he thinks is David Coulthard playing beer pong and missing every cup by a mile.

After Fernando leaves him at the bar with a friendly slap on the shoulder, Lewis makes his way to the dance floor where he sees Nico dancing with a girl.

She's pretty, dark hair and a cute smile. They're laughing together and she has her arms on his shoulders. He looks at ease with her, and Lewis feels something thigh curl in his stomach.

He's supposed to be happy, celebrating his win, smiling at the fact that Nico found a girl he likes, but he can't help but frown at the quiet sting he feels in his belly. Maybe he's sick?

He looks at a clock and sees that it's quite late, so he should probably go back to his hotel, they leave early tomorrow after all, and he's celebrated enough.

Lewis moves carefully around the room, saying thank you’s to the people who congratulate him and avoiding the bodies that sway in his path.

He goes outside and sits on the side of the curb, taking in the fresh air, watching people walk around the street. It's late so there's no more fans around and Lewis feels himself relaxing.

He gets up and heads to his hotel, which is conveniently only five minutes away. He manages to get up to his room and gets himself a glass of water.

It’s quiet, and Lewis goes straight to bed, forgetting about Nico and the girl and the ugly feeling in his stomach.

When he wakes up in the morning, headache pounding behind his eyes, he looks at his flip phone and sees two unread messages from Nico. He unlocks it and smiles fondly.

Nico: 

Congrats again on your win, that was absolutely amazing, Lew. Sorry we didn't get much time to celebrate yesterday but I just want you to know I'm proud of ya.

I'll continue cheering you on, but don't go getting too comfortable on the top step! I'll be watching you. See you again soon, yeah?

Lewis texts him back a quick: thank you Nico and yes lets do something soon and goes about his day excited about the future.

He never realizes that what he felt the night before when he saw Nico dancing and smiling at that girl (and not him) was jealousy, and he doesn't acknowledge it either. 

No, he puts it in a box and shoves it away to the very back of his mind, where all of his traitorous thoughts about Nico linger without ever truly leaving. Always there and always waiting for the chance to come out and undo him.

Lewis continues on and throws himself into racing.

2010

They’re hanging out in Nico’s apartment, just the two of them, enjoying the company and the break from all the watching eyes waiting  trying to get a glimpse of them outside. They've both gotten more used to all the attention from the public, but they do get kind of tired of it from time to time.

Lewis shifts through Nico’s piles of CDs, trying to decide between putting on some David Bowie or Pink Floyd. He appears completely focused on his task, brows furrowed and contemplating the two choices.

Nico observes him for a bit before he walks behind him and says, “Put on some U2. And stop making a mess of all my CDs please, thank you. Come on, I made you a bowl of ice cream.”

“Is it that disgusting pistachio flavor? ‘Cause if it is, I don't want it.” He scowls at Nico from his place on the floor, taking the CD from the pile.

“Yep, I know yours is strawberry. Don't worry,” He smirks at Lewis, holding two bowls in his hands. “I wouldn't want to offend your peculiar palate, hmm?”

Lewis rolls his eyes at him and gets up, putting the CD in its reader. He presses play and the sound of With or Without You starts playing in the background, filling the quiet of the apartment.

They both head to the balcony, watching the city below them bustling with life and they talk for hours. Long after they've finished their ice cream and put the bowls away and open some beers, drinking them slowly. They catch up on a lot, still telling each other everything, like the distance they have from being in different teams and not getting to see each other much except inside of the paddock isn't there.

Nico watches Lewis tattooed hands move in the air as he explains how one of his engineers accidently dropped some of their orange juice on his front wing because they were laughing so hard about a joke he said a few weeks ago and his team made a big fuss of it.

“And they were all like Lewis, don’t distract the team. You all need to keep focus and blah blah blah and it’s not professional.” He scrunches his face in a poor impression of what might be his team principal.

Nico listens and laughs, shakes his head at the right times and takes small sips from his beer, but his mind is… distracted.

He’s become aware of Lewis's beauty quite recently. Sure, Nico's known him since practically forever and is aware that his best friend is objectively handsome, but it's only now, after they've seen each other in post race sweat and during puberty and when they were blackout drunk and throughout all those other random times in their lives, that Nico realises he finds Lewis pretty.

And now he can stop himself from staring at him at whatever chance he gets. It's getting quite bothersome actually, because he finds himself lost in his head way too much thinking about Lewis's hands and his smile and his eyes and how they get a flicker in them when he's happy and his laugh and how it sounds and how he looked after the race last week with and his jaw moving when he’s talking and fuck, his waist and those toned arms and why do I want them around me-

Yeah, Nico’s fucked.

When the hours creep by and they start sharing more companionable silence, feeling the day catch up to them, Nico feels a weight on his shoulder. They're both tired and it looks like Lewis was the first one to nod off.

Nico huffs out a quiet laugh and lets him rest for a bit. He takes the opportunity to openly look at Lewis, at the expression he makes while resting. After a while, Nico feels his eyelids getting heavier and taps Lewis on the head, trying to rouse him.

He holds Lewis close and without even saying a word to each other, they change into more comfortable clothes and make Nico's bed into some sort of comfy pillow fort, just like they always did when they were kids. Like the option of Lewis heading back home instead of staying right here with Nico was ever on the table.

They pick up blankets and pillows, putting them on the bed and making themselves comfortable.

Nico pulls a blanket over them and they lay facing each other, breath intermingled and the moon casting a gentle glow through the window.

“Good night, Lew.” He whispers, staring at Lewis who's slowly closing his eyes, sleep catching up to him.

But still he quietly whispers back. “Good night, Nico.”

In the morning when Nico wakes up, he finds arms wrapped around his mind and a face pressing into his chest. His arms are wrapped around Lewis and he makes no move to detangle himself.

It's a quiet morning in Monaco and Nico makes peace with the fact that he's in love with his best friend. That maybe he's been, for a long time.

2012

“That's P1, Nico. P1! Congrats, first win!”

“YESSS! Thank you guys! So much, WHOO!” He yells into his radio, watching the other cars pass under the checkered flag behind him. Nico is nearly shaking with excitement as he pulls into parc ferme. 

He gets out of the car, immediately being surrounded on all sides by Mercedes mechanics. They pat his back and hug him so hard he gets lifted off the ground. He's laughing and smiling and oh so happy.

Despite all of the people around him celebrating him, Nico still turns around trying to catch sight of Lewis in the crowd, trying to see his best friend.

Someone jumps on his back and yells loudly into his ear. “P1 FROM POLE, BABY! Fucking proud of you Nico.” 

He turns around and sees Lewis, with his helmet still in hand, smiling so hard Nico can see all his teeth. Nico lunches himself at him and of course Lewis catches him. They hug in the middle of a sea of people, not even in the same team but still sharing the joy of the moment together.

And Nico wouldn't have it any other way.

When he's up on the podium, champagne in hand and Lewis right beside him on the last step, they don't even pretend to look at anyone else but one another and spray themselves with the champagne.

They're both sticky and sweaty, still coming off from post race adrenaline but they can't stop smiling at each other. They hold each other and don't care about any of the media watching them, because at this moment, nothing is grander than what they feel in silence for each other.

Nico gets invited to a party to celebrate and drags Lewis with him. He drinks and drinks and drinks ‘till he can’t even stand straight anymore, but he doesn't care. Because Lewis is right beside him and knocking back shots with him. 

Long after they've both become too drunk to think straight, they go to the dance floor and move together as one until Nico starts to feel his knees going weak. There's no girl between them, just the haze of alcohol blurring their minds, making them never take their eyes off each other.

They end up back at Lewis's hotel room, probably by cab, who knows?, and they're both stumbling around, their arms on each other's back, feeling the warmth of the night.

Nico takes his shirt off and jumps onto Lewis' bed, not caring about anything except for the cool air coming from the window onto his skin. He sinks into the covers and lets out a content sign.

He doesn't notice Lewis watching him, his eyes exploring the expanse of his chest, never moving away.

He only feels the bed dip beside him and the warmth of Lewis's body exuding out of him. Before Nico realizes what he's doing, he starts tracing the outline of Lewis' stomach, who also seems to have taken off his shirt.

Lewis shudders underneath his touch but doesn't move away. He continues watching Nico map out his body in a way no one had ever done before.

It isn’t sexual, there's no real lust in their eyes, they don't expect anything from the other, just sharing a quiet admiration between them, because they're both drunk and will probably never get to this point again.

Nico's hand moves up to Lewis face, cradling it gently and they're both gazing at each other now. No stolen glance, just openly looking with a sort of vulnerability they never really expected to show to anyone.

Before the moment is broken, Nico whispers. “You’re beautiful, you know that?”

Lewis lets out a small huff of breath and brings their forehead together. “Thanks, but I dont think ive ever seen someone as pretty as you, Nico.”

Then he does something that he's been craving to do.

He brings their lips together into a small, chaste kiss. It's quick and gentle but lovely.

Nico doesn't pull back and enjoys it for the short time it lasts.

They both have everything they want right in this room, at this moment, but they both know it'll never be.

So they never talk about it. They just share the memory for what it is.

A simple, fleeting moment caused by their shared drunkenness.

(But deep down, it meant something. Something they aren't yet ready to name. And they probably never will be.)

2013

When Nico gets the news of Lewis' new contract in Mercedes, he's ecstatic. That's his best friend, his rival and now his teammate. When the press asks him about it, he doesn't think of the competition or the title, he just thinks of them racing together in the same team, like they'd always dreamed of.

“Are you happy with Lewis being your new teammate for the upcoming year?”

“I mean, yeah. He's my best friend and we've been racing against each other our whole lives. It'll be a new challenge to have him as my teammate but I'm still excited for what the future has in store for us.” He smiles and waves goodbye to the cameras, leaving before any reporters ask him questions that could potentially ruin his mood.

He finishes his day like normal and when he's back home, he gets a call from Lewis. 

They both scream excitedly like little kids and they spend the night talking about all that they want to do together now that they're on the same team.

“We should get ice cream after every race.”

“Nico, you know our trainers would kill us… But I think it'd be fine if we only did that when one of us won.”

Nico can practically hear Lewis smirking on the other end. “Fuck yeah!”

“We could also cycle together in the morning! Call it ‘team bonding’ or something.”

“You’re a genius. Oh! And I have to show you all my hidden spots in the motorhome, I have some marked out for all kinds of situations.”

“If you show them to me, I'll give you a big kiss on the forehead.”

“Shut up, you sap oh my godd. You're such an embarrassment."

“I can still hear you laughing though!”

They talk until midnight and just before Nico hangs up he hears Lewis call out.

“Good night, Nico. Love ya.”

He doesn't get a chance to respond before the line goes dead. Nico knows he should feel weird after hearing those words, but he can't help but feel the warmth in his chest and smile.

He knows that Lewis probably didn't really mean it, that it was just sleep catching up to his words, but Nico still sends him a text before he can regret it.

Nico: Love u too, you dumbass

The next time they see each other, they hug and talk and laugh like normal.

But at night Nico still dreams of words unsaid, and he wonders how long he'll be able to keep doing this. 

2014

It's a few weeks after the first race of the season happened, they’re both hidden on the rooftop of their hotel sitting on the ground, watching the (almost invisible) stars. Their hands had found each other after some time of just talking about anything, and Nico enjoyed it at first. 

But now he squeezes Lewis hand and sits up.

“Lewis, we can’t keep going around each other like this. It won’t end well.” 

“Why not, Nico?”

“Oh, you know why, darling.”

2015

After all of those few stolen moments, in the eyes of the public they remain the same, even if behind the scenes their relationship has… changed.

They're both cooling down in Lewis's drivers room after the first round of practice and he watches Nico gulp down water from his place on one of the only chairs in the room. 

Lewis knows that in this sport they have to have some sort of media appearance, like a second skin to put on when the world is watching them. He does that every time and while it is tiring, he can't bring himself to stop, he doesn't want to become the person the media believes him to be or else he’ll start feeling like he's not his own person anymore.

But Nico seems to have embraced that media personality into who he really is.

So before Lewis loses his already small dose of courage, he looks at Nico and speaks.

“You were my person, once. Before all of this media and the world’s perception of you changed you. Now it sometimes feels like I don't know you anymore.” 

“Oh, Lewis,” And Nico looks truly surprised at the words Lewis just said.

Nico puts down his water bottle and looks at Lewis with all the love he feels exuding out of him. He gets up from where he was sitting and takes Lewis in his arms, holding him tight against the space where his beating heart can be heard. He hopes Lewis feels it, how it still beats for him, even after all these years. “I still am.”

The relief Lewis feels in Nico's arms is big. He sags into the embrace and knows that even after that admission, nothing will probably change.

This is all they ever got to have.

Despite everything, it was still love, you know?

Long after the rivalry they have as dwindled, after Nico's retirements become old news, after Lewis wins championships after championships, after the silence that stretches between them has become so encompassing, them talking again doesn't even look like an option. 

Lewis sits in his room, papers scattered around the floor surrounding him like some sort of weird halo, he picks up a pen and he writes.

And he doesn't stop.