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The screen was blank, with only muffled noises coming from the speakers. It sounded like mutterings at first, and then more clearly, people talking to each other, about the lighting, about the kit, about the time. The screen still remained blank.
Cutting through the noise was the sound of wood being dragged across a floor, sharp, painful, like nails on a chalkboard, and then it stopped, and it was quiet.
“Can you state your name?” A male voice asked, and again, there was nothing on screen.
“ -Bleep-Bleep-. ” The bleep cuts over their name like a curse word.
“Hi, -Bleep- , whenever you’re ready, go right ahead.” There was a long pause, and then a female voice spoke.
“How many people will see this thing?” She sounded hesitant, unsure. Given there were no visual, the only cues to work with were from her voice.
“We’re not sure. We’re going to put it on our youtube channel once this project is finished. Would you not like-” And then the voice was cut off.
The blank, empty, screen came to life, with the camera out of focus, and sound was back, people muttering, someone coughing.
It was expected that when the camera focused, it would be to someone’s face, like the previous confession videos all had been, but instead, the camera focused on the detail of a white tank top over grey pants, taking up all the screen space. From the curve of the body and the hint of breasts at the top of the screen, it had to be the woman.
“Can you state your name again?” the male voice asked once more.
“ Bleep - Bleep-. ” And like before, she was remaining anonymous.
“Thanks, -Bleep- . Now, whenever you’re ready, go right ahead.”
Silence drained on, but it was clear the camera was still recording as the woman’s hands fidgeted just in sight. She was running her fingers over her knuckles, and letting her thumb caress the back of her hand, soothingly so.
“I’m in love with my best friend’s girlfriend,” she finally said, cutting to the point. “I saw the sign outside, and I thought why not, right? It’ll be cheaper than a therapist, and I’m not religious enough to actually go to confession.”
Another pause.
“So here I am.” She sighed, and her hands dropped, her body readjusting on the wooden stool. “Her name is -Bleep- .” More anonymity. “Nothing’s ever happened, and it will never happen, but..but that doesn’t stop how I feel about her.” She paused, taking a deep breath, before going on. “I met her first. Not like that matters, but we were...I invited her to a party and she seemed interested...she was...I thought we were hitting it off, and then, I don’t know, she met -Bleep- . That was that.”
Letting out a humourless laugh, the woman’s leg started jumping and she planted her hands on her knees, despite the bouncing.
“I know better, I know what it feels like to be cheated on, so I would never,” she sounded so serious as she spoke, her voice heavy and thick. “But I can’t stop thinking about her. I mean, I’ve tried, I really have, I thought I’d get over it, I thought when they started dating everything would go away, and I want that to happen, I want this all to go away, but…”
Running out of steam, she stopped, and seemed to gather herself before speaking again.
“They’re engaged now,” her voice was quiet, monotonous. “I found out a few days ago.” Clearing her throat, she went on, “So, I guess my confession should actually be, I’m in love with my best friend’s fiancée .”
Her body shook, her chest shaking, her breath unsteady, and then tears fell onto her pants, darkening the fabric where they’d landed.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should tell her, or...I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
Her hands disappeared from the top of the screen, as she no doubt wiped her face, sniffled, and tried to put herself back together.
“I’m going to be standing up there, at their wedding, wishing them the best, and it’s-” Her body shook again, and she dropped her head into her hands, face still not visible, but her hair fell into the screenshot.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” she repeated, body slumping, taking another shaky breath, then like it was at the beginning, the screen went black.
A second later, white text appeared over the bottom right corner.
- Confession #21 - R.R.
And that was it, the video ended. Up came the usual screen of similar videos, all the other confessions that had been posted, but none of them interested Lexa as much as that one had.
She knew that voice. She knew that figure. She knew those hands. She knew those initials.
Lexa sat back in her chair, dazed, lost, her heart racing, and her palms sweaty.
What had she just watched?
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she picked up her phone, hands shaky, and swiped in her passcode. Her first instinct was to call Anya, to yell at her, to drag her over the coals for sending her the link to that video. But then, her thumb hovered over the messaging section.
No. She couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair.
The ring on her third finger reminded her of that fact, too.
Instead, she did what she was originally going to do.
“Why did you send me that?” Lexa growled down the phone, after Anya answered.
“You needed to see it.” She sounded so blase, like this hadn’t rocked Lexa’s world.
“No. I didn’t,” Lexa stressed, rubbing a hand over her forehead. “What are you trying to do? Are you trying to ruin my marriage?”
“Lexa, I sent you a video. I haven’t done anything to your marriage. That’s on you.”
“You know what I meant.”
“No, I don’t. Why would this jeopardise your marriage?” Anya asked, pausing for a quick second, before ploughing on. “Unless, this news matters to you? Unless the idea of Raven once being in love with you is important?”
“Stop it.” Anya always did know how to push her buttons. “For God’s sake, Anya, why would you send me this?”
“You know why. It’s going to come out. Sort your shit out before it does.”
Lexa dropped her head back in the chair and let out a sigh.
“I might need a place to stay.”
“My spare room is all yours,” Anya replied, like she had prepared it for her already. Great.
“Thanks.”
Leaving it at that, Lexa hung up and closed her eyes. She needed a moment. Things were going to change, there was no two ways about it, she just wasn’t sure how exactly they were going to do so
Still holding the phone, Lexa opened her eyes and decided to take the plunge. Reckless and foolish, but her heart was still racing with Raven’s confession video still on screen, and it had been four years.
Four years.
[Lexa] Confession #21 - R.R.
[Lexa] Confession: I went to that party for you, and I didn’t think you were into me
[Lexa] Confession: I had no idea you felt this way
[Lexa] Confession: Now that I do, I don’t know what to do
She sent each message right after the other, knowing Raven would understand, knowing she would know exactly what she meant. And like it burned her, with the last message sent, Lexa dropped her phone onto her desk and moved back.
If her heart was racing before it was all out galloping now, pounding in her chest with each step she took, pacing the back wall. Raven might not reply, but god, Lexa was hoping she did. She needed to know, she needed to get this out there.
Four years.
With a sudden buzzing of the phone vibrating, Lexa pounced, grabbing it quickly and going to read what Raven had returned.
[Raven] You stay married to my best friend, and you never mention this conversation again
Please. Like that was even an option.
[Lexa] I don’t think I can do that
Or rather, she didn’t think Clarke would do that when she found out.
[Raven] You need to. That was college. That was years ago.
[Lexa] Do you still feel the same way?
[Raven] Are you trying to cheat on your wife? My best friend???
Lexa scowled at that message, shaking her head. This wasn’t about that. This wasn’t about an affair. This was...well, this was about tying up loose ends, so to speak.
[Lexa] You know I would never
[Raven] Then we need to stop talking.
[Lexa] Do you still feel the same way?
[Raven] What does it matter? Do you need an ego boost?
The bite to Raven’s words was loud and clear, and now it was time to come clean. Raven needed to know this wasn’t her way of trying to take advantage.
[Lexa} You should watch the rest of the confession videos. They release a new one every day.
Dropping the phone back on the desk, Lexa held her head high and took a deep breath. Leaving it at that, she deleted her browsing history, shut down her laptop, and went to distract herself elsewhere.
*0*0*
Anya had said it was going to come out, and Lexa knew, now that the project was seeing the light of day, that would be the case. What she wasn’t expecting was for Clarke to be the one to bring it up.
“Guess who I ran into today,” Clarke said, stirring the pot on the stove.
They were making dinner, on one of the few nights they had together, when shifts coincided. Lexa was on the prep, chopping the veg, while Clarke was putting it all together doing majority of the actual cooking.
“Who?”
“Monty, Miller’s boyfriend in college?” They hadn’t exactly run in the same circles, but Lexa knew of him.
“The chemist?” she asked, not wanting it to be obvious.
“Yeah, he went into film studies though. Remember, he was doing that confessional project, senior year?” Clarke said, tasting a little of the sauce on her spoon, before grabbing the salt.
“Oh. Yeah.” The steady drum of the knife against the chopping board slowed. “How is he doing?”
“Really good, actually. His project was nominated for a few awards, and I think he won some, too.”
“That’s-that’s fantastic.”
“I watched them,” said Clarke, still staring at the sauce. The knife slipped about like a fish on the chopping board, the onion being sliced haphazardly, and Lexa paused. “I was surprised with how good they were.”
“Hmm.” She didn’t know what else to say. Her heart was racing.
Raven’s video had come out nine days ago, which meant that unless Monty rearranged the order-
“And surprised by who I saw in them.” Shit.
“Clarke-”
“Did you know?” Clarke asked, putting the spoon down, crossing her arms and turning to Lexa.
“Know what?” Lexa asked, standing up taller, knife down.
“About Raven.” Raven. It was about Raven. Lexa slumped slightly against the counter at that.
“What about Raven?” she tried, playing the fool. She was getting so damn good at it.
“You should watch it,” Clarke said, pointing next door, and coming over to fetch the onions.
“The videos?”
“Confession 21. Watch it.”
“Clarke-” But Lexa knew that look, and it wasn’t like she could come out and say she’d already seen it, so she relented. “Fine, I’ll go see what all the fuss is about.”
Heading into the living room, Lexa grabbed her laptop and headphones and took a seat. She left Clarke cooking in the kitchen and loaded up youtube, searching for confession 21 in the search bar. It returned what she was looking for, a playlist of the all the others, and with a click, she had it loading.
Lexa watched the video again, guilt seeping through her body with each passing second. Made worse by the end of the video, when it showed what others were available to watch.
“Did you know?” Clarke asked, standing in the doorway, watching her, and Lexa nearly jumped out the seat.
“I had no idea.” Liar. Fucking liar.
Clarke nodded and crossed her arms over her chest once more, the corner of ther lips turned down, and a frown between her brow.
“Did you watch the rest of them?” Lexa asked, rising from the couch, entwining her fingers together.
“No, I stopped after seeing that one. Couldn’t quite handle anymore confessions.” There was a humorless laugh that followed, and then Clarke shook her head. “I can’t believe she was in love with you.”
Lexa wanted to ask why that was so hard to believe, but knew better.
“You believe she was?” she asked, instead.
“Why else would she say as much? Okay, they cut out her name and her face, and your name, but it’s her and you. She was in love with you. She might still be in love with you!”
“I doubt that,” Lexa muttered, eyes downcast.
“It’s not right,” Clarke said, pursing her lips.
“It’s not her fault.”
“Lexa,” her voice was soft, as if Lexa was a fool for thinking otherwise.
“You can’t help who you fall in love with,” Lexa said, knowing that better than anyone.
It was enough for now, and Clarke waved her words off, going back to the kitchen to finish dinner.
They ate in silence that night.
*0*0*
Having retreated to the bedroom, Lexa was sitting up in bed, reading through her notes for the next day. She had her laptop up on her lap, and was almost oblivious to the room around her; including the addition of Clarke at the doorway.
“I watched the rest of the confession videos.” If her presence hadn’t been enough to scare, her words put the fear of God in Lexa, like ice in her veins, and she sat rigid.
“Oh?” she said, knowing that her voice sounded shaky.
“Number 28. Yours is number 28,” Clarke spat, voice croaking, and Lexa pushed her laptop off her, trying to get out of the bed as fast as possible.
“Clarke-” she began, but Clarke had heard enough.
“No. Don’t.” She put her hand up, stopping Lexa in her tracks.
It was enough to do just that, and more.
*0*0*
The doorbell rang at twenty past two in the morning, and Anya was going to murder whoever felt like they had the right to wake her at that time. Armed with a baseball bat, she opened the door, and then immediately did a double take.
“What happened?”
“Can I stay here tonight?” Lexa asked, face ashen, eyes puffy, in her pyjamas, bag slung over her arm.
“Sure, what’s going on?” Anya opened the door wider, letting Lexa, who then stood awkwardly in the hallway.
“I think...I think my marriage just ended.” Shit.
“What happened?” she repeated, stressing the words, needing to know, and Lexa almost crumbled.
“The truth came out.”
“Because of me-”
“No. Clarke, she found them on her own.” Lexa looked like she was going to collapse on the rug right where she stood. Anya didn’t waste long pulling her into a hug, and leading her through to the bedroom.
Best thing for Lexa now was sleep, where she could forget.
*0*0*
“Can you state your name?” a male voice asked, the camera zooming in and out of focus until it settled.
“-Bleep-Bleep-, but -Bleep- for short,” the girl replied, pushing the sleeves of her white shirt up to her elbows, getting comfortable on the stool.
“Hi, -Bleep-. Whenever you’re ready, go right ahead.”
The girl tapped her fingers on her knees before clearing her throat.
“I’m getting married,” she said, a smile in her voice, face out of shot. “It’s a new development. My girlfriend, she- she proposed the other day.” The sound of the smile waned. “It’s new and exciting but...there’s this girl. I’m in love with this other girl.”
She let out a puff, a sigh, a long shaky breath.
“She has no idea. She’s never shown any interest, which makes me pathetic. And I know that. I’m aware. I’m-I’m-I’m engaged to a girl I love, and in love with another, and I don’t deserve either of them.”
Her fingers tapped again and again, drumming against her knees once more. Then stopped. Nothing, until she clasped them, leaning forward in the chair, elbows on her knees, hands like a prayer. Her curls fell into shot.
“I feel like when I walk down that aisle, I’m going to be looking at the wrong girl. I’m going to be giving my life to one when I want it to be to the other.” It was said like a whisper. “But I love my fiancee, and I can’t hurt her that way. I can’t cancel the wedding, I can’t break up with her. I do love her, and we will have an amazing future ahead of us.”
Another pause.
“I just...I can’t help think about -Bleep-.”
And then another.
“What makes this worse, so much worse, is she’s my fiancee’s best friend. She’s going to be up at that alter, she’s going to be in our lives every day from now on, and I don’t...I don’t know if I can handle that.” There was that shaky breath again, that slow exhale, that struggle. “I don’t know what to do, and if you knew me, you’d know that’s not me at all. I always know what to do.” That was easy to believe, by the strength of her voice, the steadiness of her hand.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I think I’m going to end up hurting all of us if this ever comes out,” she admitted, voice dry. “I love them...I love…”
And then it went blank; before Confession #28 - A.W. appeared across the screen.
*0*0*
[Raven] What’s this I’m hearing about you and Lexa being over?
[Clarke] Why? Hoping to fuck her now?
[Raven] ???????!!?!?!
[Clarke] Confession 21. Nice.
[Raven] You saw that?!
[Clarke] It’s on youtube, Raven.
[Raven] It’s not what you think. Nothing has ever happened.
[Raven] Fuck. Clarke, you’re my best friend, I would never!
[Clarke] Lexa would.
[Raven] What the fuck are you talking about? She’s never ever cheated on you.
[Raven] And definitely not with me!
[Clarke] Confession 28. You should watch it.
[Raven] What? Why??
[Raven] Clarke?
*0*0*
The next time Lexa was Raven, it was a little after ten on a Friday night. Anya had left her pizza and beer while she went out on a hot date. So the knocking had surprised her, and looking through the peephole, she’d been even more surprised. But worse of all, she knew that she couldn’t turn Raven away, and if Raven was there, that meant she’d probably spoken to Clarke at some point.
Clarke was the only one, aside from Anya, that knew where she was staying.
“We need to talk,” Raven said, as soon as the door had opened, barging in, pushing past Lexa and marching right into the living room. “Where’s Anya?” she called, looking around.
“She’s out.” Lexa shut the front door, knowing that this moment was coming. She just hadn’t expected Raven to arrive out of the blue.
“Okay, well, whatever, we can still do this.”
“This being?” Lexa headed into the kitchen, grabbed another beer and brought it back into the living room, handing it out for Raven.
“I’m driving.” Right. Of course.
She wasn’t staying.
“What can I do for you, Raven?” Lexa asked, taking a drink, leaning back onto the couch.
“I want answers.” So did Lexa, but that was neither here nor there.
“Then ask your questions.”
“What the fuck happened?” Raven spat, frown deepening.
“A lot of things happened-” Lexa shrugged, knowing she was playing with fire, but maybe she wanted to get a little burned.
“Don’t be so goddamn difficult. You know what I’m talking about. It’s not a fucking coincidence that Clarke finds out about my confession video the same time you message me about it?” Raven crossed her arms and faced up against her, with Lexa taking another drink, unperturbed.
“Yes,” she answered simply, and for a split second, she thought Raven was going to try and whack her.
“Bullshit! You needed an excuse to end your marriage and you’re using this, you’re using me, and it’s fucking poor.” It wasn’t until Lexa stood up straight, beer down on the side table, that Raven realised she had waved the flag in front of the bull with that comment.
Good.
“I do not need an excuse to end my marriage. My marriage is-” Lexa began, jaw tight.
“Don’t even lie by saying it’s good, cause we both know it’s not.”
“Raven-” Lexa didn’t get a chance to continue before Raven bit back with more.
“Clarke was my best friend, before this shit, so I know the truth. I know that you two are a fucking mess. I know that you spend more nights asleep in the living room than in your bed. I know you haven’t fucked for at least six months. I know that both of you are too stubborn to face up to the fact you got married too young and now want out-” She could have gone on, but it was Lexa’s turn to bite.
“Our marriage might not have been the best, but I would never drag someone else into it. I did not do this. I did not tell her,” she said, vehemently.
“She won’t talk to me,” Raven added, switching topic. “She thinks I want you. It’s been four fucking years, and apparently now I want to make a move, all because you-”
“I didn’t do anything!” Lexa roared, chest heaving, but it did nothing but pull Raven closer.
“Exactly! You married Clarke when you shouldn’t have, you fucking kept this secret until it blew up in your face! In mine, too! Thanks for that!”
“And you didn’t do the same?” Lexa barked, advancing, with Raven straightening.
“What?” she asked, frowning.
“You took part in that video confessional. You kept your feelings for me a secret. You did exactly the same.”
“It’s different,” Raven tried, swallowing the lump in her throat.
“How? How is it different?” Lexa asked, cocking her head to the side, mockingly.
“Because Clarke was my best friend and she loved you. I was not going to ruin either of those things by telling her how I felt about you.”
“Now you see why I didn’t say anything either; hurt Clarke, hurt you, hurt myself,” Lexa finished, realising how close she was standing to Raven, before stepping back.
Neither had to say that the outcome they’d tried to avoid had happened anyway.
With Lexa moving back, Raven did, too. She crossed her arms and surveyed the living room, opting to take a seat.
“Is she talking to you?” Raven asked, watching Lexa carefully.
“Not really.”
“She’s blocking my calls.” It stung to think Clarke had pushed her away like that.
“She’ll come around when she realises that you haven’t done anything,” Lexa said, taking another drink.
“You don’t think she’ll do that for you?”
“I married her when I was in love with someone else, I did do something wrong.” It was said with such ease, it was almost easy to forget the magnitude of those words.
“You were in love with me,” Raven murmured. It was said as a statement, not a question, but Lexa answered it like one anyway.
“Yes.”
“We’ve really fucked up.”
“I’ve really fucked up,” Lexa hummed, taking a seat and dropping her head in her hands. “I didn’t tell her about your confession, because I knew she’d see mine. I was trying to save myself from...well, from all this.”
“Your confession…” Raven began, biting her bottom lip, unsure how to continue.
“Forget about it. Like you said, four years ago. A lot of things have changed since then,” Lexa said, voice strong, unwavering. Her gaze caught Raven’s and they looked back at one another, for that moment too long, taking in the other in a new light.
“It’s forgotten,” Raven finally said, rising. “I should go.”
“You could have yelled at me down the phone, you know,” Lexa said as they moved back towards the front door.
“I needed to see you...I needed answers.” She needed to see Lexa as she answered her questions, because if there’s one thing Raven’s always been good at, reading people.
“Did you get them?”
“Yes,” she said, nodding, and Lexa nodded back, once.
With that, Raven left, heading back down the steps and out the building towards her car. Lexa closed the door, locking it and taking her keys out, in case Anya did return home.
Whatever happened, Lexa wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Only time would tell.
*0*0*
Clarke initiated the divorce proceedings as soon as she could. There was no waiting around. There was no couple counselling. There was no hesitation. Lexa shouldn’t have been surprised.
“I can’t trust you. Our whole marriage, it’s been built on a lie,” Clarke explained, one what was going to be their last meeting as a married, albeit separated, couple.
“I never lied,” Lexa replied, taking a cautious sip of her coffee. It was still too hot.
“You were in love with my best friend, which you failed to mention.”
“It wasn’t important.”
“It was important to me,” Clarke said, and Lexa knew that. She knew that then and she knew that now.
So when the papers came in, she signed her name, no questions asked.
*0*0*
In the months that followed, Lexa got her own place, moving in with the help of Anya, and tried to patch up her life, post Clarke. That was easier said than done. She still loved Clarke, loved her to a degree she was never getting back. It was trying, some days more than others.
Raven’s words echoed in her mind constantly; you needed an excuse to end your marriage and you’re using this. Well, Lexa didn’t feel like she was, but she felt like Clarke certainly latched onto that excuse. And maybe that was the bitterness, the pain of losing someone she loved, but Lexa wondered. She couldn’t help but wonder.
Would their marriage have lasted had none of that come out? Or was it all inevitable?
They were questions she was never going to get the answers to, and she knew that. One day she’d grow to not care about those answers, too.
And it happened, slowly, with each change of the season, spring to summer, summer to autumn, autumn to winter, and back round again, with winter to spring, and so on and so forth; until one day, when the dust settled, and Lexa could finally slip off her wedding ring without any lasting pain, without a second thought, without feeling like she’d lost part of herself.
Clarke had taken hers off right after the divorce, Lexa wasn’t surprised, but she needed longer. She needed to give herself a chance to breath, to recover, before advertising to the world she was unmarried.
She just needed time.
*0*0*
Being single was an unusual set of circumstances to get used to. For starters, attending events, any kind of event, a birthday, a dinner, a funeral even. Lexa was alone. She used to have Clarke, they had each other, but now, she attended these things alone. For some, she could take a date, but she couldn’t find a date in the first place. And that brought her on to point two, dating.
Dating was hard.
With Clarke, it had been almost instantaneous. There was that magnetic pull, and while Lexa’s eyes had always kept Raven in her peripheral, she hadn’t needed to work hard at her relationship with Clarke. It came easy.
But now, dating was not easy. There was no magnetic pull. There was no static sensation between the women she’d met, the ones she’d tried to move on to; whether that be for one night or longer.
Or, rather, that was all true to a certain extent. There was still one person who had that pull; one person who made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end when she was close, and one person who made it all seem so easy.
“Can I join you?” Raven asked, sliding into the booth next to Lexa, knowing what her response would be before asking.
“You may,” Lexa said, sitting that little bit taller with Raven’s arm against hers, her fingers skating up the condensation on the side of her drink.
They were out celebrating. It was Lincoln’s birthday, and Octavia was having none of their nonsense. So Clarke was there, Raven was there, Lexa was there, and they were to get the fuck on, according to the message left on their answering machines.
“She talking to you again?” Lexa asked, nodding over at Clarke, who was hugging Octavia and laughing at something Bellamy was saying.
“She is,” Raven replied, taking a slow sip of her drink. “I don’t think she’s going to keep talking to me, though.”
“Why’s that?” Lexa almost didn’t want to know. Almost.
“I want to ask her ex-wife out, but I think it might fuck her off something awful.” With her beer halfway to her mouth, Lexa paused, taking in those words, before finally having another drink. A hefty one this time around.
“Yeah, I can see that fucking her off.” By now, Lexa could practically hear her heartbeat in her ears, the music round the bar drowning out.
“So I don’t really know what to do,” Raven shrugged, and props to her, she didn’t even look phased by their conversation.
“You need to weigh up your options. Pros and cons,” Lexa said, trying to take a diplomatic view to this, despite the fact she could feel that magnetic pull from the second Raven walked into the bar that night, and the static energy between them was almost palpable.
“Pros, I’ve been in love with her ex-wife since college, and apparently, she loved me back at one point. Cons, Clarke might never speak to me again.”
“Or, she might, because you’ve done nothing wrong.” Lexa was still waiting for Clarke to speak to her again, but at least there was a good reason there.
“Making a move on her ex-wife, that’s not wrong?” Raven asked, looking at Lexa for the first time since she sat down.
“Ex-wife for a reason,” Lexa replied, looking back, her head tilting ever so slightly.
“Me being the reason,” Raven said, softer.
“Clarke has no claim on me.” It was true.
“She’ll always have claim on you.” But so was that.
“So will you, you’ve just never know that,” Lexa confessed, knowing that it would have taken one word from Raven, and she would have left Clarke, she would have done whatever.
“Do you regret it?” Raven asked, this time looking away, back to the bar, to their friends.
“Hmm?” She could have been talking about anything.
“The confession video.” Lexa had asked herself the same question, for months on end.
“No,” she answered, shaking her head. “I was scared, I needed someone to talk to who didn’t know either of you. It helped.”
“It did?” Raven seemed suspicious about that.
“It felt good saying the words aloud; I’m in love you; even if you never heard them.” Lexa could remember sitting on that stool, hands shaking, body abuzz with nerves, and the sudden relief once she’d gotten it out there.
It had been a secret haunting her for so long. It had snowballed from one simple lingering feeling to full blown affection and love, which had needed to remain hidden.
“And yet you still married Clarke,” Raven said, her voice gravelly and low. She took another drink, trying to loosen the hurt, but it didn’t work.
“I really didn’t think you were interested,” Lexa said, looking down at her lap.
If only she’d known.
“What did I have to do to get your attention? I was being obvious as fuck.”
“Apparently not. Clarke didn’t notice either. There’s no way she would have made a move if she thought you were interested.” That made Raven pause.
“Okay that’s a good point, one I hadn’t considered,” she admitted, and Lexa let out a sigh.
“It’s all water under the bridge now, anyway.”
“Is it?” Raven asked, and Lexa paused again. “I mean, I think I made it pretty clear I want to ask you out, so is it really all water under the bridge? I know Clarke is going to lose her shit but you two are divorced now, and she’s dating someone-”
“She is?” That was news.
“Yeah, I don’t know who, she’s being secretive about it, but there’s someone in her life.” Raven shrugged, and Lexa nodded.
There was a sudden rush of happiness, for Clarke. Of course Lexa knew that she wasn’t going to be the last person Clarke spent her time with, but for Clarke to have moved on, to care enough not to unleash her friends on them yet, that was promising. It meant the damage Lexa had done was repairable.
It meant that maybe Lexa could move on, too.
“Ask me,” Lexa said, sitting up straight, pushing down the nerves, the fear, and for once, being brave enough to go for what she really wanted.
It took Raven a second to catch up, and then she turned her body in the booth slightly, their knees knocking, before licking her lips.
“Do you want to...I mean-do you want to maybe...what?” Raven stopped, frowning as a smile crept across Lexa’s lips.
“You were so confident when you sat down,” she remarked, and Raven rolled her eyes.
“You’re putting me off,” she said, shrugging, and Lexa frowned at that.
“I’m putting you off?”
“Yes, with your face.” That made Lexa laugh, and Raven smiled, shaking her head, avoiding Lexa’s gaze.
“I can’t do anything about my face,” Lexa said, softly.
“I don’t want you to. I kinda like it.”
“Kinda?” Lexa teased, and Raven rolled her eyes again, turning to look at her as she spoke.
“Shut up, and let me do this.” Squaring her shoulders and sitting up straight, Raven prepped herself.
“Do it.”
“So demanding,” Raven muttered, a smile still upon her lips.
“I’ll do it,” Lexa said, and that had Raven’s eyes widening.
“No, you can’t-”
“Why not? Raven, would you like to go on a date with me? See, that was easy. Now say yes.” Lexa couldn’t help but smirk, enjoying the reactions she was getting.
“Again, so demanding. Rude, even,” Raven said, before biting her lip and turning back to look at Lexa. “But, fine. Yes, I’d like to go on a date with you.”
Lexa tried to hide her grin, even going so far to take a drink, but found herself smiling around the mouth of the bottle. Raven appeared to be in the same boat, head down, looking at her lap, smiling.
Chancing a look, Lexa spotted Clarke at the end of the bar, chatting with Anya, completely oblivious to the world around her. Then Lexa looked to her left, to Raven, and knew that even if there was going to be fallout, it felt worth it.
They might have gone about it in the completely wrong way, telling strangers their deepest secrets instead of each other all those years ago; and there might have been a marriage, three broken hearts, and months of turmoil thrown in there; but now, now it felt like that was the way it needed to be.
It was messy, it was hurtful and hard, but Lexa wouldn’t do it different.
And she knew, while Clarke might be hurt to begin with, that it would blow over. She’d talk to Raven again, she’d talk to Lexa again, and they’d sort it out.
College Lexa had been so terrified of hurting anyone, causing anyone pain, she’d pushed aside her own feelings. Now, Lexa wasn’t going to do that. It was about time she stopped worrying about anyone else and just went with what felt right.
Raven felt right; that magnetic pull, that static energy between them, and that warmth Lexa felt deep in her chest everytime Raven smiled her way.
*0*0*
Their first date was a mess.
They had brunch plans at a little cafe across town, which was more Lexa’s choice than Raven’s, but then the weather turned and it was treacherous to drive. Raven arrived on Lexa’s doorstep dripping from head to toe, her hair slick and stuck to her face, and her smile wide and bright.
Their first date started as a mess.
Lexa managed to put together some kind of meal for them to pick at, with Raven dressed in Lexa’s loungewear, sprawled out on the couch, music on, watching the rain outside. It reminded them of college.
Their first date made them a mess.
The food was good, but the taste of Raven’s lips was better. They’d watched the thunder and lightning roll through the neighbourhood, Lexa moving closer, to sit on the floor, leaning against the very couch Raven was on. And then it was one touch, Raven’s hand on Lexa’s shoulder, that sparked it off. She leant forward, and Lexa knew what was coming but was still unprepared.
Her kiss was everything and more, it shocked her from the inside out, that spark, that pull, it had her hooked, and Lexa tried to control the sudden rush of want she had.
Raven did no such thing.
She pushed herself off the couch, and climbed onto the floor, kissing Lexa like her life depended on it, drawing her teeth across Lexa’s bottom lip, and moving closer. Lexa tried her damndest to keep up, to kiss back in time, but she felt overwhelmed with each one, until she was whimpering, moaning, and losing herself in Raven’s lips.
“Confession,” she murmured, pulling back, staring right at Raven.
“Oh my god, you’re such a dork,” Raven groaned, kissing her again, smiling into it, and Lexa pulled back once more, smiling, too.
“I don’t think I ever fell out of love with you,” Lexa admitted, and Raven’s gaze grew headier, her hands coming up, cupping Lexa’s jaw.
“I know,” Raven said, and Lexa went to open her mouth, to speak, to ask what she meant, only to have Raven cut her off with another kiss, one that knocked her brain into another gear.
Lexa’s hands came up, landing on the hips that were now astride her own, and she tugged, wanting Raven closer, desperate for more.
“Confession,” Raven panted, head dropping back as Lexa’s kissed up her neck, “I feel exactly the same way.”
Their first date was a success.
As were all the others that followed.
*0*0*
[Lexa] Confession, I’m in love with you.
[Raven] Confession, I’m in love with you too
*0*0*