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The train is a lot more lonely than I thought. I think if it weren't for the Fourth Wall, I truly would have gone insane.
I almost wish I had left with them, instead of leaving them with an avatar. Though, that avatar is still me.
It's the piece of me that they know. That they experienced this hellish apocalypse with. I don't think they would want the parts that were left behind.
The memories of before the scenarios. When my only connection to them was the words on the screen.
Maybe Sangah-ssi would notice, but I don't think she truly knew me until the start of the scenarios.
Well, I can't fall asleep now. I slept too much, not tired enough.
I'd consider hitting my head until I passed out, but the headache afterwards wouldn't be worth it.
I looked down at my hands resting on my lap. Strangely, they looked smaller. The probability costs proved to be a worse consequence when on the train.
...hm. I did this so Joonghyuk wouldn't regress, so he wouldn't have become the Secretive Plotter. Yet he went on that path again.
It's funny as it is paradoxical. What if I didn't interfere with that untainted Yoo Joonghyuk?
Anyways...hey, you're still reading, right?
It's cold in the train, seeping bone deep as I curled into my coat. The coat that was now oversized, enveloping my frame. I tucked my knees tightly to my chest, trying to catch the last bit of warmth seeping out of my body.
The idea of speaking to that wall fills me with dread, the same that picking up my phone has recently. But then I'm out of options.
I let out an absentminded sigh, running through stray thoughts in my mind.
It really is cold. A lot colder than I normally prefer. It's almost annoying.
...I haven't checked on them, that world line. I don't want to. If I do, my resolve will crumble. To be honest, it's already been crumbling for a while.
My stories are chipping away, dissolving into the space that is the Star Stream. I can't decide if I'd rather hold on to this conscious, or if I'd rather fade away.
If I fade, if I dissolve, I won't have to feel this way anymore. I wont have feel the abhorrent feeling of wanting to be saved.
I don't want to stay in the train.
I have to, no one else can fulfill this role. This is my only purpose, the only way I can be useful now. If the apocalypse is over, then what purpose do I have?
Without the apocalypse, I am nothing. Another face in the sea of ordinary.
This is the only way I am useful to them now.
I'm so selfish, so desperate, I don't want them to leave me. They would thrive without my presence, yet I selfishly keep them close.
I groan, burying my head further into my arms. Letting my thoughts fester isn't pleasant. Maybe I should force my sleep, headache be damned.
Hm...I hope that avatar keeps them happy. Away from these failed parts of me.