Chapter Text
Airy whistles echoed throughout the cabin as the icy Alaskan winds rattled the windows. Sprawled across his couch Snake lay staring at the ceiling, eyes unfocused and glassy. Tonight his mind was racing, playing the events of the past twenty four hours over and over on a loop. It had been so long since his last proper mission and despite the success of the operation, he couldn't help but think that if he was a little less rusty he could have saved Gray Fox. The image of Fox getting crushed by the foot of REX pushed itself to the forefront of his mind for what seemed like the thousandth time this night. In an attempt to clear the vision, Snake rolled over onto his side, the tattered couch creaking in protest at the redistribution of weight. He tried to get comfortable under the thin blanket that wasn't quite long enough to cover his feet.
Tonight was colder than most. That coupled with the fact that he had let Otacon use his bed (on account of the injured ankle) meant that it was seemingly impossible to get comfortable, let alone clear his mind for long enough to fall asleep. He sat up and after staring into space for some time, made his way over to the kitchen.
Snake poured himself a glass of water and reached into one of his many disorganised kitchen drawers to retrieve a packet of painkillers, making sure there were enough left for Otacon for when he wakes up. The nanos were beginning to wear off and the pain was starting to surface.
He stood there with his back against the counter and tried to make out the time on the clock shrouded in darkness on the other side of the room. 2:30am.
They had arrived at the cabin early yesterday morning. Otacon had fallen asleep shivering on the back of the snowmobile, hands around Snake's waist to keep his balance with his head resting against his back soaking up the warmth. He was so tired that he had barely acknowledged their arrival, just mumbling something quiet and incoherent against Snake's chest as he was carried inside.
After leaving Otacon bundled under the blankets on his bed, Snake retired to the couch where he lay despondent and distant for who knows how long.
Snake had a lot of time to kill before sunrise. There was not a chance he'd be able to sleep tonight, not after-- he shook the thought from his head. Looking desperately for a distraction, he wandered over to his TV cabinet and picked up the remote before realising that watching TV in such a small cabin would almost definitely wake the sleeping engineer in the next room. Snake settled on looking for something to read instead. He turned on a lamp and was halfway to his bookshelf when he saw a battered and wet cardboard box sitting on the floor of his living room. It belonged to Otacon. Snake had given him one of his boxes to pack his belongings in while (under orders from Campbell) he delivered an injured Meryl to a nearby landing zone on a snowmobile he had found.
Snake was not the nosey type, usually preferring to keep to himself. He wasn't too interested in other people's lives but Otacon seemed so peculiar to him that he couldn't not take interest.
Trying to be as quiet as possible, he slowly peeled back the cardboard flaps of the box to reveal a stuffed doll with long blue pigtails. Intrigued, he lifted it up to get a better look. It was soft with what Snake considered to be a stupid expression embroidered onto its face. He couldn't help but let out a little chuckle. It was no secret that Otacon was weird, the nickname alone could tell you that, but to think that the chief engineer of perhaps the most deadly machine on the planet was into... this? With the slightest smirk of amusement breaking through his tough outer shell, Snake set the plushie down on the floor and returned his gaze to the box.
Rolled up and secured with a rubber band was a Policenauts poster which Snake took great care in unfurling as not to damage it. He wasn't sure what Policenauts was and it wasn't nearly as amusing as the little blue haired doll he had found so he rolled up the poster and carried on with his snooping.
Midway through inspecting what seemed to be a very old packet of jellybeans Snake had found buried under dozens of DVDs, he was interrupted by a sniffling sound coming from the bedroom. With the expert stealth he had perfected, Snake returned the items to the box silently and just how he had found them. He stood up and walked over to the kitchen where he had left the painkillers and filled up a new glass with water. Otacon must have woken up and would be needing painkillers for his ankle. As Snake walked over to the bedroom he let his footsteps fall a bit heavier than usual to announce his presence. The sniffling stopped as Snake slowly opened the door.
"Otacon."
He said in a low growl that came out sounding more aggressive than he was hoping.
He was met with silence followed by a poorly stifled sob.
"Otacon, I know you're awake."
Immediately regretting his somewhat accusatory choice of words, he followed them up with
"I got you painkillers."
Snake put the pills and the glass down on the bedside table.
Snake had lived in solitude for so long and wasn't the most sociable person at the best of times. He often wondered if people found his presence off-putting. Especially now as he stood at the side of the bed illuminated only by moonlight and at a complete loss of what to say to the scrawny sobbing heap that lay before him.
He lingered a bit, trying to think of something comforting to say but all he could think of would surely make it worse. He turned towards the door in defeat when all of a sudden a wobbly and unsure voice broke the silence.
"Snake..?"
He could have easily left. Sneaked out unnoticed, pretended he hadn't heard anything. It would have spared him the emotional discomfort to follow but something about Otacon compelled him to stay. He looked so hurt and helpless, just a civilian, not a soldier.
"Yeah, Otacon..?"
The bundle of blankets sniffled.
"I can't sleep."
The engineer rolled over to face Snake revealing his teary eyes and pale gaunt face painted blue by the moonlight. His hair looked even more dishevelled than it did back at Shadow Moses.
Snake, already unsure of what to say next, began mentally running through a list of things he could do to help his new friend sleep better. He often resorted to finding practical solutions to people's problems when he couldn't think of any way to be of comfort.
"I can't get the image out of my head"
Otacon whispered as he tried (and failed) to keep his composure.
The sight of Fox's final moment flashed in Snake's mind.
"The whole world destroyed... because of me. People dead because of my childish interests!"
Snake figured that even if he had nothing to say, Otacon could still find comfort in the fact that at least someone was there to listen.
He sat down on the bed and watched in regret as Otacon inhaled sharply and pulled his ankle away reflexively. He made a mental note to be more careful.
"I should have seen what they were doing. In a way... I think I did, I must have. Nobody creates robots like that for good... not even in Japanese anime."
His bottom lip quivered uncontrollably as the sound of fast disorderly breathing pierced the otherwise silent room. He buried his face in the pillow in an attempt to hide it.
Snake, wishing he could be of more help, slid his hand under the duvet and held Otacon's cold and shaking hand in his. In response he felt a weak squeeze. Snake's hand was his only tether to reality as he sank deeper and deeper into his spiralling thoughts.
Back when he was a part of Foxhound, Snake had seen all sorts of guilt eat away at both himself and his bunkmates. Sometimes the missions they were sent on ended up going sideways and eventually boiled down to kill or be killed. The nights after these missions would leave a tense atmosphere hanging over the dorm but nobody ever dared to talk about it, no matter how much Master Miller insisted that it would help.
This was different, Otacon seemed to want to talk about it but it was clear that he was in a lot of pain and was both physically and mentally exhausted.
They both stayed there in silence for a while before Snake, clearly feeling the stress and exaustion of the previous day catch up to him, slid under the covers to join the crying wreck.
Almost instinctively, Snake's arms found themselves wrapped around Otacon's skinny waist and he held him close, careful to not move his hurt ankle.
A small wobbly whisper broke the silence.
"Thank you, Snake"
They lay there in comfortable silence until Otacon's breathing had slowed and he fell into the deepest sleep Snake had ever seen.