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In the aftermath of great tragedy, it is unfathomable, painful even, to imagine how life could possibly carry on. Denial, confusion, and hysteria initially overwhelm the senses as one frantically tries to make sense of such loss and devastation. But as the sun rises to shine light on a new day, the harrowing reality sets in- life always go on.
Kazuma lay there, eyes blurry and blinking as the morning light slowly filled his room. His eyes were red-rimmed and swollen from excessively purging his emotions. Every fiber of his being ached and he felt as though the weight of the universe was pressing against his chest, keeping him in a constant, catatonic state.
He hadn’t slept in days and didn’t wish to. Every time he closed his eyes he was haunted by her and the memories of their time together. Her eyes, so full of life and passion as she fought, the way her brow creased when she frowned at him; all such simple gestures that clawed at his heart because he knew he would never see them again. Pulling his pillow over his face, he openly wept for the first time that day. Not that it mattered, it wasn’t like he had a master to blight anymore. For centuries, he had expertly managed his feelings in order to protect her, now he was making up for lost time.
A pounding at his door sobered him up quickly.
“Come in.” He mumbled, hoarsely. He looked like hell yet he hardly cared; it was merely a reflection of how he was feeling.
Yato opened the door, tacitly, bearing a small tray of food. He, Yukine, and Hiyori had been staying at the manor, consoling everyone since their master’s demise. Walking over to Kazuma’s bedside, he gently set the meal next to all the other untouched trays.
“Do you want to talk about it?” The blue eyed god asked, skipping over petty formalities. It was obvious how Kazuma was feeling, he didn’t need to ask.
“I don’t even want to think about it.” His voice, thick with emotion.
“It may help.” Yato sighed leaning against the window pane.
When Kazuma didn’t respond, he didn’t push him. It was the same conversation every day. Yato would try to speak with him and Kazuma would brush him off.
“The others have been asking about you.” He changed the topic. “They wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Kazuma knew he had an obligation to mourn with the other regalia but it all seemed rather futile.
“I should be with them right now,” He took a shuttering breath, “but I just can’t.”
Yato nodded empathetically.
“And that’s okay, they understand that this is much harder on you.”
The former blessed vessel shook his head slightly.
“We all lost our master. I deserve no special treatment.”
“Kazuma.” Yato’s tone causing him to turn his head toward his friend. “You were her oldest regalia, closest friend, blessed vessel and exemplar.” The god’s words struck a chord, bringing a fresh wave of heart break to the surface. “Yes, you’re different, you have always been different, so don’t even try to pretend that everyone else understands what you’re going through.”
Kazuma rolled away from his benefactor and friend so he couldn’t see him cry. But Yato knew, it was clear from the way his back was convulsing.
“According to Iwami,” Yato treaded lightly, “reincarnation happens a week after the previous incarnate dies. Though the others has been preparing tirelessly, you’re the only one who can make the final preparations and there are only two days left.”
Kazuma’s heart clenched at the thought. He wasn’t sure he could handle being around a hollow version of Veena who lacked all of the essence and charm that made her his master.
“I-I can’t, I’m not ready for that.” He sobbed.
“And you won’t be until you’re able talk about it.”
Kazuma sat up slowly, turning toward Yato.
“Yeah, and what do you want me to say?” he asked incredulously, voice cracking with emotion. “She’s dead.” He paused to keep his voice in control. “She lied to me in order to protect me, which, if you think about is completely backwards…”
He ran his hands over his face at the sheer irony of her actions- a god protecting their regalia- and shifted uncomfortably, biting his trembling lower lip in thought.
“And even though I tried,” his voice waivered and then hitched. “I couldn’t make it to her in time.”
More tears fell carelessly down his face as he covered his mouth with his hand, trying not to break down completely.
“I-I didn’t get the chance to say good bye.” He gasped. “I was 43 meters away from her when heaven delivered the final blow, watching helplessly as she disintegrated in the distance.”
Kazuma cradled his head in both hands, body wracking with sobs.
“I have to live with the fact that my last words to her were ‘I’ll come find you later’.”
Yato moved to console him, letting him sob into his shoulder. But Kazuma wasn’t done venting.
“I loved her.” The past tense making his nauseous. “I love her so much.”
He hugged Yato like a lifeline and bared his soul to him.
“And I miss her, I just want to go across the hall and see her sitting there but s-she’s not- she’s-” he broke off, completely falling apart. His emotions were spent and the weight was being lifted off his chest with every passing sob. Yato let him cry on him as long as he needed, relieved that he was finally starting to make some progress.
“I just wish,” Kazuma whispered as he calmed himself. “I got the chance to thank her.”
Yato sat in deep though before pulling back and reaching his hand into his pocket.
“I was going to wait until you were a little more stable, but I actually think this might help.”
Pinched between his thumb and forefinger, Yato held a flash drive with his friend’s name haphazardly scribbled on it. Kazuma just stared at him in confusion.
“About a month or so ago,” he explained, “Bishamon showed up to Kofuku’s looking for me with dozens of these things. She made me promise that if she ever reincarnated, that I would give them to her regalia.” Kazuma plucked it from Yato’s hands and stared at it in disbelief.
“Most gods just write letters.” He elaborated. “But I think she wanted to make it a little more personal.”
Yato stood up from the bed and made his way to the door.
“I haven’t watched it and I don’t know what it says.” He turned around and gave Kazuma a pleading look. “But please, watch it.”
After Yato left, he sat there just staring at the small hunk of plastic that had suddenly become his most prized possession. Veena’s final thoughts and words just sitting there in the palm of his hand. A part of him didn’t want to watch it because once he did, it was over and done. But his desperation to hear her voice won out and gave him the strength to get out of bed and sit down at his desk. Plugging the device into his laptop, he clicked through folders at record speed and loaded the file: ‘Kazuma.avi’. His cursor hesitated over the play button as he mentally prepared himself, heart racing.
Finally, he summoned the courage to double tap the trackpad and couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face when he saw her face appear her on screen. But when she spoke, tears pooled in his eyes.
“Kazuma.” She cooed with a small smile on her face. “I decided to record your video last in hopes that I’d be completely cried out.” She sniffed. “But obviously, that’s not the case.” Onscreen, she wiped her tears while laughing at herself before turning serious again.
“No, I-I did yours last because I knew it was going to be the hardest one to get through.”
“I wish I could make this video last for years and years so it could begin to convey just how thankful I am for you.” She paused to take a deep breath. “My blessed regalia, you are so much more to me than a servant and my lead. I truly admire you and look up to you -and yes, before you lecture me- I know that as a god, I shouldn’t be lowering myself to the status of humans, but quite frankly I don’t care.” She smirked at the screen quickly before continuing on. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve your loyalty, your devotion, or your guidance, but I am the luckiest god in all of heaven and earth because you are my regalia.”
Pausing again she lifted her wrist to show off a beaded bracelet.
“Remember this?” She glanced at it in admiration. “You made this for me when it was just the two of us living in Takamagahara. I was a complete mess, totally inconsolable. I thought that there was no escape from the pain and every day felt like the same, horrible nightmare repeating itself over and over again. But you brought me out of my hell, you saved me, and it all started with this.” She snapped the bracelet against her wrist.
“So no,” she gasped, voice wavering with emotion. “You’re not my servant nor my exemplar,” her face broke into a radiant smile with glassy eyes as tears ran down her face.
“You’re my everything, Kazuma.”
“I know I’m not good at showing affection,” she hesitated slightly, “but I hope you know how much I love you, how much I am in love with you and have been for centuries.” Sniffling, she tucked some stray hair “And I know you love me too.”
“I’m sorry for leaving you.” She apologized. “Trust me, I never wanted to. But please, be my guide again.” She begged. “I wouldn’t trust my reincarnation in anyone else’s hands.”
“-Veena!” she jumped hearing his voice off screen from another room. “I need you to fill out these forms, they need to be filed tomorrow morning!”
“One Second!” She called before giving the camera a knowing smile.
“I love you. Goodbye, Kazuma.”
The screen went black and only the sounds of a ticking clock filled the room. Emotionally wrought and heart broken, Kazuma dug the heels of his hands against his eyes.
“Goodbye Veena.”