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It hurts.
His chest hurts so much.
It’s hard to breathe.
Each breath causing a sharp pain in his ribs— no his lungs.
Shakily, Choi Taein reached for his phone and tapped on his phone screen, the bright light illuminating him enough to see juho and jaeyoung sound asleep on the bunk beds opposite of his and heeju’s.
3:25 am.
They have to get up for schedules in 30 minutes but the pain in his lungs wouldn’t ease.
As quietly as he could, Taein stepped down the bunk bed ladder. The last thing he wants is to wake anyone else up especially in such a busy time in their lives where sleep is scarce. And holy shit it hurts. Every move, every step, any breath, shot a pain up all throughout his body.
Tears swelled in his ears as he finally reached the restroom, looking at himself in the mirror still half asleep.
Then he coughed.
A single petal fell onto the sink surface from his lips.
No. No no no no no.
“NO!” Taein yelled, falling back into the door and running his hands through his hair, pulling on his dark locks slightly. “No no no no!” Another cough and another petal fell.
“Fuck!”
He slid down the door and stared at the petal on the floor.
A marigold petal.
Taein started shaking and tears ran down his cheeks. Why him? Why did he need to be born with such an unfortunate condition? The words his mom said to him played over and over in his head.
-
“Taein, never fall in love. I mean it. Don’t think about it. Don’t get feelings. Don’t stare at someone too long. Never. I MEAN NEVER. Think about falling in love.” His mom said to him the moment he turned 18, exactly at 12 am.
“What are you talking about? I don’t have any intention of doing that mom. I want to be an idol! I want to be on the stage. You know that.” His mom shook his head, grabbing his shoulders and looking into his eyes.
“You’re my only son, Taein. I don’t want to watch you deteriorate in front of me because of some feelings.” Taein grew worried.
“I’m sorry for passing you something so hard, I hope you don’t hate me for it.”
Taein hugged his mom, feeling her shake in his embrace.
“Hanahaki disease, I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It's used by a lot of people in stories and movies. But it’s a real thing. And because of me… you have it as well. I’m so sorry my Taein. I want you to feel love. I want you to know how amazing it is. But please, so I don’t lose you so soon. Never fall in love. It’s too risky.”
-
“Taein?” A faint knock sounded at the door snapping Taein out of his panic.
“Are you in there? Are you okay? I… we heard you yelling.” The voice was soft and concerned.
“It’s Heeju. Cmon are you okay?” Of course it was Heeju, it was always Heeju. When wasn’t it Heeju? Heeju is the main reason he’s on the restroom floor watching his life fall apart. Because of Heeju he might be at death's door.
“I’m fine, go back to sleep.” His voice came out weaker and hoarse than he expected it to. Obviously exposing he indeed wasn’t fine and knowing the type of person Heeju is, he wouldn’t step down until he knew his teammates were okay.
A small pause fell in between them before Heeju spoke again.
“No you’re not, can I come in? Please?” That tone, that damn tone where Heeju shows he cares so deeply. It was too much to handle.
“Just… get a manager.” Taein sobbed, burying his face into his knees and fingers into his head. He was so fucked. And it was all Heeju’s fault.
The sound of rushed food steps faded away as his sobs bounced off the restroom walls.
A couple of minutes later three pairs of footsteps appeared.
“I got them.” Heeju sounded out of breath, as if he started running at one point, knocking on the door.
“Heeju… can you go away?”
“I hope you’re okay.”
Then Heeju left.
He quickly reached for the door, opening it with the last little strength he had, before collapsing onto the floor. The last things he heard were his managers yelling his name before falling unconscious.
-
Bright lights greeted him as he opened his eyes, straining as he did. Then he noticed the familiar smell of hospital and beeping of machines.
A light blue hospital grown fit him loosely, reminding him he hasn’t been eating as well as he should.
“Taein! Great, you're awake.”
Taein looked up and nodded, greeting the company's doctor.
“How long have I been unconscious for?” The idol asked nervously, the pain in his chest had eased by now but it still hurt.
“A couple hours, an announcement was made that you won’t be able to participate in group activities for a week. So for now don’t worry about your group activities and members. Right now we need to worry about you.” The tone in Dr. Hwang’s voice was serious.
Taein started to panic, unsure on how he’ll explain why he’s the way he is.
“I was aware of your condition through your mother, I studied it on my own and will try my best to understand it.” Taein let out a sigh of relief before Dr. Hwang started speaking again.
“”Who did you fall in love with?”
Taein froze in fear.
A long pause fell in between the two.
Dr. Hwang sighed.
“We need to do so we can do our best to help you Taein. If it was a fan or a staff there’s nothing wrong with developing feelings like that towards someone who’s in close proximity to you. There’s many ways we can go about this but I need to know who it is before suggesting surgery.”
Taein shook his head.
“…None of those.” He looked away from Mr. Hwang.
“It’s one of my members.” The way Taein confessed was pathetic and sad, his fingers curling into the covers so tightly his knuckles turned white. “Kim Heeju.” He admitted defeatedly.
Mr. Hwang didn’t say anything, he didn’t need to. Both of them knew the fact it was another idntt member made the situation worse.
If surgery is done Taein will forget Heeju completely, the strain in the group will grow and eventually one of the two parties will have to leave. If he confessed there was a 50/50 chance Heeju would feel the same but the group's image would be in trouble. A relationship between two members of a boy group in a country where even being next to your male friend and brushing shoulders receives a bad reaction. Along with the fact both Taein and Heeju were too busy to maintain a relationship. But if Heeju didn’t, Taein will slowly start to die. Painfully and quietly as the world around him keeps spinning as death's door opens for him.
“Go home for the week, talk and bond with your mom, figure out how she went through it herself. I’ll be here doing more research and try to find a way to get through this with you. I’ll talk to MODHAUS staff and see if we can put you on an indefinite hiatus due to health issues. For now try not to strain yourself, the coughing will continue and it will get worse the deeper you fall in love with Heeju. Try not to. It might be best to cut all contact with him currently.”
With a heavy heart Taein nodded and looked out the window. The image of Heeju smiling up at him from the bottom bunk just the night before played in his head. Not falling deeper for Heeju was going to be harder than anyone thought.
-
When Taein entered his mothers home the energy in the air felt heavy and upset but he wasn’t surprised. He did the one thing his mother told him not to do.
“Taein.” His mom greeted him, sitting at the dining table waiting for his arrival. The cup of tea sat in front of her now cold, who knew how long she sat there waiting for her son to arrive home. She wanted to be upset, she wanted to scold him for going against the one thing she asked. However she couldn’t.
As Taein started coughing violently and crumbled to the ground, the marigold petals falling out of his mouth were covered in saliva and blood.
She got up quickly, falling onto her knees beside him and pulling Taein into her arms, cradling him as her tears fell into black hair. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here." She tried her best to comfort her son, who was now shaking and sobbing as he coughed more, but she was all too familiar with how he was feeling.
“Mom…” Taein sobbed out, lurching as the coughing didn’t stop. “Mom, help me. I don’t want… I don’t want this!” He slammed his fist into the accumulated pile of petals on their kitchen floor.
“Just let it out.”
After a couple more minutes the coughing eased, his lungs ached as they did their best to keep going while his heart felt as if it was going to explode.
“Come on, let’s get you in bed.”
Once his head hit his pillow, he let it all out.
“I’m in love with Heeju. I didn’t… I didn’t want to admit it. I was scared to, scared of what would happen to me if I did. But then the more I looked at him and his stupid smile. The more he laughed at my jokes. The more he said my name while pulling me close to him. The more he crawled into my bed at night because he didn’t want to sleep alone. And, fuck, he’s so handsome. He’s so cute. So funny. He’s constantly making me feel warm and happy. I can’t help it. My heart races whenever he’s around and I don’t know how to make it stop.”
He sobbed loudly, hitting him that he truly is in love with one of his closest friends. In love with someone in the same idol group as him.
It wasn’t the fact It was another male, it was the fact that it was someone who thousands of people are paying attention to, fans and media constantly talking about the group.
“I really… love him mom.”
His mom let out a shaky sigh and ran her hand through his hair.
“When I fell in love with your dad, I felt the same way you are right now. I was scared and worried what would happen if I told him I loved him. Scared if I did and he didn’t love me back what would happen to me. How would death feel? But what would happen if I got surgery? I didn’t want to forget the one person I truly fell in love with and felt safe around. So I decided to tell him. I would rather die slowly than forget him.”
The way she talked about her late husband made Taein’s heart ache.
“When I confessed he kissed me, it was filled with love and affection. It made me so happy. I was finally cured of such a painful disease. I kept the flower buds, they’re still in a box somewhere. They haven’t even wilted, not even after your father passed.”
She took Taein’s hand and held it tightly.
“I’m not going to stop you from being in love with him. I’m not going to stop you from confessing to him. I just want you to know what could happen if you do. Think about it and while you do, also think about yourself.” She laid a kiss on his forehead before leaving his room, the door shutting quietly.
Taein laid there, staring at the ceiling and not knowing what to do.
Then his phone buzzed.
heeju ♥︎: taeinie, are you okay? You left without saying anything… I’ve been worried. The way you yelled startled me. Managers told the group you’ll be on break and they weren’t sure when you’ll come back. I miss you…
He read the message and stared at the screen.
‘I miss you…’
God damn Kim Heeju.
heeju ♥︎: I can see you read my message, cmon teanie… talk to me
He signed and typed out a small but firm response.
taein: I’m okay. I’ll come back when I start to feel better.
heeju ♥︎: I hope you feel better soon, it feels weird sleeping on my own
Taein’s face turned a deep red, he cussed out under his breath and closed their messages, opening up twitter. He really shouldn’t have though as the first post was an interesting read.
‘Taejuz moments while we wait for Taein to come back from hiatus. GIVE HEEJU TAEIN BACK!’
It was a thread made by @gaydntt, a user he’s seen before while he aimlessly scrolled through the app when he was bored at night.
He shouldn’t click on it, he really shouldn’t, but curiosity got him.
The thread was a lot longer than he expected, than he wanted, because it showed him how Heeju looked at him when Taein wasn’t looking at Heeju. It showed the way Heeju had to have some sort of physical touch between the two. It showed everything he couldn’t see with his own two eyes and it was making his feelings worsen.
He coughed, tears pricking in his eyes as it was unexpected and aggressive.
The feeling was different, unnervingly rough and painful.
After a couple seconds of choked coughs he was able to breathe again.
His chest rose up and down sporadically as he stared at the marigold bud in front of him. It was unnecessary and beautiful, a flower with a deep meaning.
A flower representing Heeju.
“I’ll just avoid him for now.” Taein whispered to himself, shutting his eyes and forcing sleep on his body.
-
A week passed of Taein being on hiatus, the coughing continued and the flowers came out with ease. The feelings he felt for Heeju were deep and real. But the guilt was starting.
Guilty for hindering his team, his family, himself.
Everyday he read rumor after rumor, speculation as to why he’s on hiatus and why he hasn’t been seen in public at all. None of their fans knowing he’s at home in pain because of his own feelings.
The loneliness was starting to get to him, not having Heeju’s warmth next to him made his body feel weaker and fragile. It’s only been a week but it made him realize how much Heeju meant to him. Maybe he should call him, just to hear his voice. Even if it meant coughing all night long until his throat became hoarse.
Taein’s mom was at work, his sisters at school, and he was alone. Eating whatever leftovers his mother prepared for him at the dining table when he heard a knock at the front door.
Puzzled, he got up and opened the door. Being in his home town he didn’t even check the peep hole, opening it to the last person he wanted to see.
Kim Heeju stood with a worried expression and a backpack.
He froze, eyes wide and scared.
Before he’s able to close the door, Heeju stepped inside, taking his shoes off and closing the door behind him as Taein stepped back in shock.
“What the hell are you doing here Kim Heeju?!” Taein yelled out more aggressively than he wanted it to.
Taken aback, Heeju stepped towards Taein.
“We don’t have any schedules for 3 days. You haven’t been answering our messages or calls. We’re all worried about you so I asked if I could come and check up on you and stay with you for a little. I called your mom and asked if that would be okay and she allowed it.” Heeju backed Taein against the wall, putting his hands on either side of the shorter’s shoulders.
“I’m here now. Tell me. What is going on with you?” The concern on Heeju’s face made Taein want to cry and break down.
“Go back Heeju. I’m fine. Really I’m okay.” Taein turned his head away, closing his eyes.
Heeju let out a sigh and rested his forehead against Taein’s shoulder. The close proximity making Taein’s lungs start to hurt. He started to panic.
“Heeju please… just go away.”
Heeju shook his head, his brown hair tickling Taein’s neck, before wrapping his arms around the other's waist.
“I’m really worried about you— fuck Taein please just tell me what’s happening. I want to help you. I want to be there for you.”
Taein shook.
Without warning Taein lurched forward and choked, grabbing onto Heeju to steady his body. Flower buds fall out of his mouth as he collapses, bringing the other down with him.
Heeju watched in horror. His fingers shook as he tried his best to hold Taein up, back to chest, picking up one of the buds carefully— looking at Taein then back at the flower. Taein in his arms shaking and choking out any last coughs he had left in him.
They stared at each other, neither knowing what to say, both shaking against each other from what just happened.
“What… what was that?” Heeju spoke softly, afraid he’ll hurt Taein even more in some way.
Taein pushed Heeju away, stumbling as he stood up and marched to his room, the taller following closely and grabbed onto Taein before he was able to close the door.
“Just talk to me.” Heeju pleaded, hugging him tighter.
The shorter huffed, ripping Heeju’s arms off of him and faced his worried member.
“You want me to talk to you?! Talk to you?! You really have no idea?! All of this, everything that’s happening to me is because of you! It’s all your fault Heeju! If you didn’t exist this wouldn’t happen to me! FUCK! I wish I never met you!” Taein snapped out, jabbing his finger into Heeju’s chest roughly while the other didn’t say anything and just let him yell.
“You’re the last person I want to see right now! To see me like this! Like I’m fucking pathetic and weird!” Taein pushed Heeju away once again— the other had tried to step closer to comfort him.
“If it weren't for you… I could have gone all my life without experiencing this pain. Every cough, every petal! It fucking hurts Heeju! It hurts so much!”
Taein sobbed and buried his face into the sleeves of his sweater, his cries filling the tensed room.
“But it hurts more to be away from you. It hurts having to hide myself from you and pretend like I’m okay without you. My bed— it doesn’t feel the same at all. I just want you to be next to me…” He confessed hushly, but it was loud enough for the other to hear.
“Taein what are you saying?” Heeju questioned, the tone in his voice being careful. Yet Taein doesn’t respond.
Heeju closes and locks the door behind him, sitting on Taein’s bed as he pulls out something from his pocket. A small clear bag with the two petals Taein had coughed up while in their down bathroom.
“I’m not sure what’s going on or how whatever is happening to you is possible, I was worried about you so I went into the restroom after you left. That’s when I noticed two small petals.” Taein looks up at the mention of the original petals, gawking as Heeju takes them out and places them gently on his palm.
“But I don’t want you to be hurt. Especially not because of me. So please. Tell me what’s going on.”
The shorter takes in a deep breath before walking up the taller, grabbing Heeju’s face in his hands.
“Don’t you get it? I’m suffering because I’m in love with you.”
Before Heeju could respond Taein kissed him, pressing their lips together roughly yet timidly.
When he pulled away the look on Heeju’s face scared him, it was full of shock and confusion that slowly turned into understanding.
Unexpectedly, Heeju pulled Taein back in.
Their lips met once again except this time it was filled with emotion, deep and raw emotion as Taein’s tears mixed with Heeju’s.
The kiss didn’t last long as Taein coughed violently, the buds of flowers and petals left his body aggressively. Heeju rubbed his back as he did his best to comfort him through his fit, still unsure as to why Taein was basically vomiting flowers.
“You need to— feel the— same.” He was barely able to speak in between the coughs, doing his best to look into Heeju’s eyes sincerely with a hint of anxiety.
Heeju nodded, intertwining their fingers together as he looked back into teary eyes.
“I do Taein, I’ve always had.”
Suddenly Taein’s body shook, a smile on his face as the feeling in his lungs began to fade and the soreness of his throat eased. Soon enough he felt normal again, besides the aching of his chest and throat from his constant coughing throughout the week.
After a while of Taein leaning against Heeju, he pulled the other into a deep hug.
They held each other, not speaking and just enjoying each other's warmth once again. Even though it had just been a week, it was the longest the two had been apart from each other since debut. Holding on tightly as if they let go they would lose each other.
“I know you didn’t mean anything you said earlier, but can you explain to me why you were coughing flowers?” Heeju asked, his lips brushing Taein’s pierced ear.
“Yeah… it's hard to explain so get ready for a lot of info.”
Heeju nodded and pulled away from the embrace, averting his full attention to the other.
As Taein explained his condition, they somehow ended up laying down on his bed and under the covers. Heeju’s hand stroking Taein’s cheek lovingly.
He pursed his lips as Taein finished explaining, upset at himself for being the reason the shorter was in immense pain but a peck at his lips disturbed his train of thought.
“My mom said she would rather die than forget my dad, and when she said that I didn’t really understand.” Taein brought his hand up and grabbed Heeju’s hand from his cheek, kissing it gently. “But now I can, I couldn't live in a world where I didn’t know who you were.” Heeju placed a kiss on Taein’s chin.
“What do we tell the others? We’re still in a boy group at the end of the day. It’s both of our dreams to be idols but I don’t want to be nothing with you.”
Taein sighed and shrugged.
“Let’s not think about that right now, we’ll figure that out after. For now I just need you to be here with me.”
Heeju couldn’t help but smile at the other, giddy at the new relationship between them.
“Alright, but that means I can kiss you whenever I want now. Wherever I want.” Taein blushed and playfully pushed Heeju.
“I was on the brink of death and you’re thinking about ruining me again?” Heeju shamelessly nodded and ran his hand down Taein’s side.
Their lips crashed against each other, the room filling with intoxicating moans and eager kisses. Both know eventually they’ll have to face the real world, but for now their world was each other.