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“Mama, can I marry Yoshiki when we grow up?”
Soft laughter along with an amused smile. His mother had looked at him like Hikaru had just said something funny on purpose.
“Oh sweetheart, boys don’t marry boys. You’ll find some nice girl when you are older.”
But Hikaru’s dad had told him that Unuki-san will take the person he cherishes the most, if he doesn’t marry them quickly. So, what Hikaru had to do was stop caring so much about Yoshiki. Because boys don’t love boys.
“I have a crush on one girl,” Hikaru announces. They are in Yoshiki’s room, reading comics.
Yoshiki lifts his head, still some of his face hidden behind the bangs. But Hikaru can see that he looks disinterested about what he just said. “Okay, why are you telling me?”
“’cause you are my best friend, Yoshiki. We are supposed to share this kinda stuff,” Hikaru explains. It’s not really the reason why he brought it up. He is trying to convince Yoshiki as much as himself here. Maybe someday he could actually have feelings for someone else. Someone else than him.
“Okay.”
“So you gotta crush on anybody?” Hikaru asks. Why is he hoping for two things at the same time? He is wrenched, wanting Yoshiki to always be just with him, but also wanting him to be safe and with someone he loves. So, he should like someone. A girl.
“No.” Yoshiki turns his head away, focusing on the pages again.
Yoshiki doesn’t like talking about girls. It pains Hikaru to keep mentioning his so called crush. But that’s what he is supposed to do. He can like someone else too. Surely he can. The girl is pretty. And nice, probably. Hikaru doesn’t really know her yet. He is always with Yoshiki.
“If you don’t want him, I’ll gladly take him,” the monster says. Hikaru is looking at himself in the mirror. It looks just like him. But that isn’t him. It may act like him, because it knows everything he knows. But it doesn’t understand anything. Its love is twisted and wrong.
“No! Please don’t do that to Yoshiki. I don’t want to hurt him. Leave him alone.” Tears are running down his cheeks. He never cries around anyone else. It takes a lot of effort to keep his emotions in check, to make sure he doesn’t mess up. If he feels too much and especially if he lets everyone see, bad things could and will happen. So, Hikaru has to hide his feelings.
“I’m stronger than you,” the monster inside him says. And Hikaru knows it. There’s no use fighting against it. He lost already. And now Yoshiki will be doomed with him.
“Yoshiki,” Hikaru says, grabbing his hand. Yoshiki turns around to look at him.
“Hm?”
“I want to show you something,” he says and pulls him to the gym storage room. Here they won’t be bothered. No one will see and this is going to stay just between them.
“What now?” Yoshiki asks. He looks confused, but he sits down when Hikaru gestures him to do that. Yoshiki always does what he wants.
“Don’t tell anyone,” Hikaru whispers. His voice is slowly disappearing, trying to escape so that he won’t say the words. But he has to. And if words aren’t an option, then he just has to act.
“Tell what? Hikaru what’s wrong?” Yoshiki is clearly concerned now. But Hikaru can’t do anything to soothe his worries. The monster is lurking and waiting for its opportunity. It will strike soon. Poor Yoshiki. He can’t save him. He tricked him into a trap. Willingly.
His hands move, but it’s not him controlling the movements. Fingers trailing the buttons, opening them one by one.
“What are you doing?” Yoshiki asks. His voice is strained now. He lifts his hand, as if trying to stop him, but then he just lets the hand drop, not doing anything to prevent Hikaru from exposing himself.
His shirt hangs open now. Hikaru spreads the fabric, showing more skin. Yoshiki turns away, but he saw his expression already. Flustered. Wanting. The monster is not wrong. Yoshiki wants him.
“Look at me,” Hikaru begs. It’s not even the monster inside him pleading that. Hikaru is doing it, wanting his friend to look at him normally, just one time before the monster ruins everything between them.
Reluctantly Yoshiki turns to look at him again, his eyes glistening with something. He is trying to hide it, but Hikaru knows the same thing the monster does.
“What is this?” Yoshiki asks. The silence in the room is maddening, making their every breath sound so loud that Hikaru’s head is spinning already. Feels like he might faint. He’s never fainted before, but now it could solve the situation. Not forever though.
“You like looking at me,” Hikaru starts. It disgusts him, to hear the monster use his voice, to violate him like that without his consent. But Hikaru can’t stop it. He can only look at Yoshiki and watch the situation unfold in front of him. He is here, but he is not in control. It’s cruel and... somehow freeing. He is not responsible for this. He is a victim. And so is Yoshiki... but they are still going to be together.
“W-what?” Yoshiki is sweating now. He is nervous. Because he knows it’s true. He just can’t admit that.
“I’ve seen it. You don’t hide it well. You think you do, but you don’t.” Hikaru watches as Yoshiki gets up, facing him. He is a little taller than him, but it’s not intimidating. Because Yoshiki is scared.
“Don’t.”
One word. Hikaru should fight against the monster. For Yoshiki’s sake. Because he doesn’t want this to happen. Neither one of them is ready. Maybe never will be. This world won’t let them.
But it’s going to happen. In one way or another.
Hikaru’s body moves fast. In a blink of an eye, he has closed the distance between the two of them. His arms wrap around Yoshiki, tightly enveloping him into his arms.
“Please.”
Hikaru is in control of his own voice. But he doesn’t know what he is begging for. For Yoshiki to accept this, or to push him away and save them both? Either way, he is begging for him to solve this. Only Yoshiki can make that decision now.
Yoshiki is stiff for a moment. Then he wraps his own arms around Hikaru, holding him too. Neither one moves for what feels like an eternity. Then, slowly Hikaru raises his head, facing Yoshiki. A single tear runs down his cheek. Yoshiki catches is with his finger. For a short while the drop of tear captures both of their attention.
Then Yoshiki leans to place his lips against Hikaru’s. And in that moment when there’s not an inch separating them, Hikaru’s monster enters Yoshiki only to be met by his own.