Chapter Text
Bonnie’s POV
It’s 7pm and I just finished cramming my plates so I’ve decided to lay down for a bit, but all of a sudden my ex hugged me out of nowhere.
Almost one year na nang naghiwalay kami, we’re still living in the same unit. Kinuha namin to nung sophomore year dahil malapit lang sa university.
It’s just a small unit along España boulevard that witnessed every phase of our relationship. Ang mga away, pagsusuyuan, lambingan, pati na rin ang pagod at paghihirap sa pag-aaral. And maybe… both of us can’t let go of that.
She’s so casual about our break up. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nagagawa yon, dahil ba bestfriends kami bago naging couple? Because I’m so sure that for us to grow, we need to be separated from each other. Dahil anong silbi ng “break up” namin kung yayakap-yakap siya sa akin ngayon?
“Bon, I’m going out with my friends later.” she said while her face is buried on my neck.
“Ba’t mo pa pinapaalam sa akin? Just go and enjoy.”
“I’m just letting you know. Ayaw mo bang mag-stay nalang ako so I can cancel?” she asked using her soft voice, “Baby time?”
Anong essence ng break up namin kung ganyan siya lagi aarte? But for some reason, I just can’t resist it.
“Kung ayaw mo pumunta, ‘wag.” I said slightly irritated. Nabasa ko kasi sa group chat nilang mag t-tropa noon na ang selosa ko raw dahil hindi ko siya pinapayagan, pero ang totoo, ayaw niya lang talaga pumunta. “Hindi yung ako yung ginagawa mong dahilan.”
“Kalma, kalma mo yung puso mo.” she said playfully as she tapped my heart. “I’m just wondering, ayaw mo—edi okay.”
She started getting ready, bumangon siya para pumunta sa bathroom and I just continued to scroll on social media. Wala na rin naman na akong gagawin.
Mim: @Everyone gimik tayo tn friday naman!
Bonnie: Tinatamad na ako. Daming plates na ginawa, parusa talaga
View: Daming free time ang husay
Mim: Dali na, minsan na nga lang ako magyaya. Bahala kayo sa susunod busy na ako. As in, never na mahahagilap
Bonnie: gew
View: @Love seener baka sumobra kana sa summa cum laude nyan kaka-aral
Love: @Bonnie may gimik daw sila milk mamaya ah, kasama ka?
Bonnie: Bat ako sasama sa circle ng ex ko bahala na sila
View: Asus seselos siya oh @Mim. Akala ko ba wala na siyang feelings
“Bon! pa abot ako twalya please!” sigaw ni Emi.
Kainis.
“Bukas.”
“Isabit mo nalang dyan, thank you! Kaya sayo ako.”
I sat on our small dining table and checked my pendings para ma-plano ang to do list ko para bukas. I hate cramming, but I always find myself doing it. Mas na a-activate ata yung creative juices ko pag nagc-cram pero ang kapalit non ang constant stress sa utak ko.
After a few minutes she came out of the bathroom and walked straight to the bedroom. Ganon pa rin ang amoy niya, amoy pulbos na may halong detergent.
This scent has always been a comfort to me; kasi pag naamoy ko, naalala ko kung paano niya ako yakapin tuwing iniiyakan ko ang mga backlogs ko, kung paano siya mag alaga at manglambing. And I’m lying if I said that I don’t miss the old us.
Ako lang naman yung umiiwas. I’ve made my decision, and it was to break up with her. Everything became too overwhelming for me. Gagawa ng plates, mag-aaral, uuwi ng unit, magluluto, maglilinis. Tapos si Emi, uuwi nang lasing for some reason that she can’t tell me, aalagaan ko, ia-aasure ko na magiging okay lang ang lahat, mag-aaway, misunderstandings, magseselos, then repeat.
We became toxic to each other. To the point na mas nag f-focus akong ayusin kung anong nangyayari sa relasyon namin. Mas inuuna ko siya kaysa sa sariling kapakanan ng utak ko.
Kasabay din nito ang sunod sunod na pagbagsak ng scores ko that’s why I decided that we should break up. There’s too much happening and I can’t handle everything all at once. Hindi ako super hero.
“Oo nga Piploy, susunduin nga kita.” I heard her say. “Anong andyan si Jane? Wala kaming score, dude!” she chuckled. “I’m there for the drinks lang.”
She walked out of our room wearing her casual clothes, mostly unbuttoned long sleeves and oversized gray slacks. She ended the call with her friend, Piploy. Hindi ko kilala pero parang familiar.
I’m starting to prepare my dinner, for sure hindi naman siya kakain dito. Ayaw ko kasing bumaba para bumili ng ulam, bukod sa magastos, nakakatamad mag-akyat baba.
“Daming butones nyan ah, iisa lang nakakabit?” I blurted out of nowhere. Maybe jealousy was ahead of me.
Bakit siya lalabas nang ganyan? Okay, sige, sabihin na nating style ‘yan. Nakakainis lang.
“Galit yarn?” she said as she approached me.
“I’m just kidding, umalis kana naiirita na’ko sayo.”
“Just say that you don’t want me to go. Promise, hindi na’ko aalis.” she said as her fingertips ran through my waist.
“Ano ba,” I gently smacked her hands. I know what she’s doing and I can’t let her do whatever she wants.
“‘Wag mo i-double lock yung pinto ah, uuwi rin ako kaagad.” as she kissed my neck.
After that, I ate my dinner, washed the dishes, studied, and prepared to fall asleep.
Halos 12:30AM na rin ako matapos sa lahat ng mga gawain ko. I’m already laying down on our bed and contemplating if I should call her kung pauwi na or let her be.
Sinubukan kong buksan ang TikTok para libangin ang sarili ko—pero wala. Hindi ako mapakali.
*ringing*
*ringing*
“Emi, pauwi kana ba? I d-double lock ko na yung pinto,” I said as the call was answered.
“Hi! Bonnie? Si Milk to! Nasa dance floor si Emi, she’s fucking wasted. I’ll send her home mamaya!” she’s half screaming, halos malunod ang boses niya sa ingay ng paligid.
“Send me your location and I’ll go there myself.”
“Sure! For a while lang!”
As soon as I received the location, hindi na ako nagdalawang isip mag book ng grab. I hate it when she’s drinking too much, kaya niya naman alagaan yung sarili niya, pero pag kasama ang mga tropa, palagi nalang hindi kaya iuwi ang sarili.
Ewan ko, puro hard ba iniinom nila?
I arrived at the location quarter to two. Even at this hour the club is still alive. Marami pa rin akong nakikita na mga taong labas pasok at hanggang sa labas rinig pa rin ang mahinang kanta sa loob.
Anong ginagawa ko rito?
Tanga ka nga talaga sa ex mo.
Sa labas ng club I saw her friend Namtan talking to some girl. As soon as she saw me, she gestured to me to go inside and hand signaled number 3. I knew then that it was room number 3. Sanay na rin siguro ako sa routine na ganito kaya na-gets ko kaagad.
Halos dalawang buwan ko ba namang tiisin ang ganitong routine namin. Baka nga muscle memory na eh, kahit nakapikit ako mapupuntahan ko si Emi.
As I entered the club, the smell of liquor crawled to my nose. The speakers blasted through my ear, flashing lights everywhere and the tough crowd.
I hate this culture so much. Hindi para sakin ang ganito. I prefer being in a quiet room with my colored pencils and sketch book.
I know her friends always opt for VIP rooms kaya I knew where to find her.
Kinekwento sakin ni Emi minsan na naiinis daw si Milk sa mga humaharot sa kanya doon sa dance floor. Namtan on the other hand preferred being with the crowd.
Pero dahil libre naman ni Milk palagi ang room, hindi na rin daw sila tumatanggi.
“Hey, looking for something?” a man approached me.
“No,” I dismissed him. Hindi ko pakay ang maghanap ng kausap. Gusto ko lang mauwi si Emi at matulog.
I reached room number 3 and opened the door.
There I saw two unfamiliar women beside her; one was holding Emi’s lap and one had her hand over Emi’s shoulder playing with her nape.
Agad ko rin silang nilapitan, I saw Emi half awake and trying to keep up with what’s happening.
“I got this,” I said to one of the girls who’s playing with her nape as I removed her hands. “Pwede na kayong umalis.”
“Who are you?”
“Her… friend.” I answered. It was the safest choice hindi pa labeled kung ano ba kami maliban sa mag-ex na nagyayakapan, nasa iisang unit, at natutulog sa iisang kama.
“How can we trust you? Tsaka bakit ka pumapasok bigl-” one girl answered.
“Baby…” Emi said sluggishly. “I knew the scent was familiar.”
“Let’s go home. Bumangon ka na.”
— Condo —
I let her sit at the dining table. Alas kwatro na nang makauwi kami, I didn’t let her lay down on the bed because we’re strict about the ‘no outside clothes on bed’ policy. Inabutan ko na rin siya ng tubig para mahimasmasan.
“Inumin mo na para mabihisan kita.” Inabot ko sa kanya ang tubig. “Pumunta kaya, umuwi hindi? Ilang beses ko ba sasabihin sayo na magtira ka ng pang uwi. Anong ine-expext mo may susundo sayo palag-”
“Ingay,”
“Ako pa talaga maingay?” I scoffed at her. “Eh kung inaalagaan mo nang maayos yang sarili mo hindi ako mag gaganto.”
“Hindi ko naman sinabi na sunduin mo ak—” she backfired, but said it softly.
“Wow, edi sana pala hinayaan nalang kita mabulok don at landiin ka ng mga babae mo.” the jealousy is evident in my tone. I don’t like seeing her flirting with other girls.
I don’t like seeing other girls touching her. I don’t want them to have access to her like I do. Kung tutuusin nagseselos nga ako at gusto kong sugurin yung dalawang yon.
Pero bakit ko aaminin yon?
“Were you jelly?” she teased.
“Ang kapal ng mukha, mag ex na tayo. You can do whatever you want. Wala akong pakialam.”
Not long after that. tipsy na lang siya. I still supported her para magbihis, removed her makeup, did her skincare routine, and helped her brush her teeth.
She was smiling the entire time. I love seeing her smile. May biloy pa naman siya. Although hindi masyadong prominent; makikita mo naman kapag tinitigan mo siya.
She wants to be babied so much.
Minsan pampalubag loob iniisip ko nalang na nagpapakalasing siya para ma-baby. But I know deepdown it wasn’t the reason.
Sana sabihin niya nalang kung ganon? Gagawin ko naman.
I guided her to the bed, bago ko i-turn off yung ilaw. Tinabihan ko siya at hinatak bahagya ang kumot na binalot niya sa sarili niya. As soon as I settled myself, she turned herself to me and hugged me.
“I miss you,” she said as she snuggled her face on my neck. Nararamdaman ko ang mainit at banayad niya na paghinga.
“You’re drunk, matulog nalang tayo,” hinampas ko siya bahagya.
“Hindi mo ba ako miss?” she asked using her soft voice. Still cuddling me like I might disappear if she let go.
“Iiyak ka?” I teased her.
“Hindi, I’ll just make you realize that you miss me.”
“Really?” I faced her, "How will you do that?” I asked slightly intrigued.
As soon as I answered she started showering me with kisses, starting from my neck to my cheeks.
Tangina, may ganito bang mag-ex, Lord? Hindi mapaghiwalay tapos nangkikiss pa!
“Emi…” I said. “Lasing ka,”
“Hmm?” still showering kisses on my neck. “I miss kissing you.” she added as she ran her fingertips on my lips.
“Then do it when you’re sober, hindi yung ganyan.”
“I’m all sobered up, ’di mo ba napansin nakatitig lang ako sayo habang inaalagaan mo ako?”
I felt a little flustered, slightly feeling the blood rushing through my cheeks. She still knows how to make me feel things.
This girl can’t be real. Lagi nalang ganito set up namin. Maglalandian as exes pero no one’s brave enough to ask the question: “what are we?”
Mag-ex. Alam ko pala kung ano, ang confusing lang.
“Baby…” she said as she started pulling me to top her, “Halika.”
Wala akong lakas para pigilan siya dahil nga gusto ko rin naman. I just didn’t want the thought of taking advantage of her while she’s drunk!
Consensual sana kahit siya unang umagaw ng halik no!
While she’s pulling me, unti-unti rin siyang umaayos ng pwesto para umupo. Sinandal niya ang ulo sa headrest habang inaalalayan ako.
Nang makaupo ako sa hita niya, both of her hands stayed on my thigh nararamdaman ko rin ang init ng palad niya sa balat ko. I started to notice the tears in her eyes. Out of a habit I started caressing her face as I removed the strands of her hair from her face.
“Akala ko ba hindi ka iiyak?” I asked her softly. She didn’t answer so I decided na aasarin ko nalang siya. “Yung dalawang babae kanina, ba’t hindi mo sila pinaalis?”
Parang ako ata naasar sa tanong ko. Nakakairita kasi kanina ko pa iniisip na hindi niya manlang tinaboy yung kamay.
Still, she didn’t answer, she’s just staring at me intently kaya hindi ko alam anong tumatakbo sa utak niya.
“Hinayaan mo pa talagang hawak hawakan ka at ayaw ka pa pauwiin nung sinundo kita ah?”
Gusto bumangon ako, pero ayaw magsalita? Sana tinulog ko nalang!
“Nagseselos ka?”
“Hindi.” I denied immediately, hindi naman talaga, nainis lang ako. Baka kasi sobrang nagseselos pala ako. Nagseselos is an understatement. SOBRANG NAGSESELOS. “Anong pake ko? Kahit lima pa yan.”
“You sound jealous eh.”
“Kapal ng apog, kahit isama mo pa si Sophia ng Katseye wala akong pake.”
“Baby, we’ve been friends for 5 years. Tingin mo hindi ko pa alam mannerism mo pag nagseselos?”
Well, tama siya. Pero sinong umaamin na nagseselos? Baliw.
Her left hand started travelling from my thighs to my waist. I felt that she’s pulling me towards her. And the other hand traveled from my waist to my hands as she guided it to her shoulder.
“Bakit ka nagseselos?” She buried her face on my neck and started planting kisses there. For the second time, her kisses traveled from my neck to my lips. “They don’t get kisses like this from me.”
Medyo mayabang.
Our kisses started slowly until it started to become intense. Her hands traveled through every part of my back. Caressing, pulling me, and whatever.
Every kiss became a reminder of the unsaid feelings toward each other, the love, the missing, and the yearning.
We’re both afraid to admit that we still love each other or maybe, I was too afraid to admit it to her. Because if I told her that I still love her, I am making it official, and maybe if we become official again, we’ll become a burden to each other. We’re better off like this—as friends or rather without a label.
I felt her softly biting my collarbone so I knew what she was planning.
“Baby…” I said as I’m gasping for air, “Don’t…”
“I’m just letting them know that you’re mine.”
“There’s a better time for that, mag d-dress ako sa sunday. Kita yan.”
“Yeah?” she said, smirking.