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At sixteen years old, you get a mark on your wrist that matches another persons mark out there — your soulmate, as most people call it. Some people think it’s a bust and argue that a small mark cannot help find the perfect person for you.
Gary’s father always went on rants how it was all fate. Even so, Gary had believed in it with unwavering conviction when he was young, bordering on obsession over the thought of having someone who would be guaranteed to love him. On his sixteenth birthday, when two marks showed up next to each other—one a crescent moon, the other some kind of rabbit—he stopped believing in soulmates and fate altogether. The universe played some sick prank on him, and he was a fool for ever getting his hopes up.
———
Gary had expected college to be like all his other years of grade school: get in and get out. He never had a crowd in his old town, no matter what he tried. He didn’t see why college would be any different.
There was his roommate, Rank, with whom he had become friendly with, but Gary didn’t think they could count as actual friends. Everyone else seemed to avoid Gary like he had an unknown illness; he hadn’t even tried talking to someone, and yet people still viewed him as a freak or a threat. That was fine, though. Gary had spent his childhood with no one who cared; he moved towns to live with his MeeMaw when he was thirteen. She was the only person who loved him without any conditions, but her age made her fragile, like a spider web; she had her limits. She was so overjoyed when Gary announced he had gotten a scholarship to a decent college for all his photography; he felt bad about leaving her behind, but she didn’t seem to mind. Gary missed having someone who cared, but he hated the idea of letting down the only person who loved him.
About halfway through his first year, he met Ray Garraty for the first time; they had the same history class and were assigned to a group for a project. Gary did his best to cooperate with Ray; he always hated group projects. He found it better to suck it up, force a smile, get the project done, and never speak with whoever he was partnered with again. Ray was different; he started talking with Gary during class after the project, even though Gary never actually responded much.
It was about two weeks after they had turned in the assignment when Ray first invited Gary to sit with his friend group at lunch; it took another week for Gary to agree.
Gary was nervous the first time he showed; he didn’t say it, though. He tugged on the threads of his sleeve as he sat down next to a tall, well-built blonde man—Stebbins, as he would learn later—who focused intently on stuffing an ungodly amount of jelly sandwiches in his mouth. Gary’s stomach growled at the sight of food; he hadn’t eaten anything other than a granola bar Rank had given him that morning. Sure, he had a scholarship, but it didn’t cover food. Ray had gone around introducing everyone at the table; Pete sat shoulder to shoulder with Ray and turned out to also be Ray’s soulmate. Olson and Baker were laughing with each other, and they were yet another pair of soulmates. Gary ignored the hint of jealousy that boiled in his gut. Collie, Stebbins, and Harkness were all without their soulmates, which simmered his jealousy a bit.
Gary had tried to join in the conversation once or twice before giving up. Stebbins had given him a few unreadable looks whenever he tried to open his mouth. Gary was so lost in thought, trying to figure out what those looks could mean, that he had tuned out whatever the table was talking about.
“Hey, Barkovitch I’m talking to you!” Olson called for Gary’s attention, “So you found your soulmate yet, or what?”
"No, I ain’t found no fuckin’ soulmate; it’s fake made up bullshit for hopeless losers anyway," Gary snapped. He didn’t intend to create an aggressive first impression, but that seemed to be the trend for him in conversations. Stebbins looked at him again, and Ray looked disappointed.
“Don’t be so aggressive. Olson was just trying to make conversation; don’t say that shit.” Collie was quick to bark back, staring daggers at Gary. It felt intensely uncomfortable to have all the attention directed at him for all the wrong reasons.
“Well, maybe he shouldn’t make conversations about something so fuckin’ idiotic.” Before Collie could say anything else, Gary pushed himself out of his chair, leaving with a huff.
Gary had thought that would be the end of his little ‘friendship’ with Ray and his group. He had blown up his one chance of having some kind of connection; it wasn’t anything new; Gary felt like a fool for thinking it might work out.
To Gary’s surprise, there was a soft knock on his dorm door, and for a moment he thought Rank had locked himself out again. With a slight groan, he forced himself up to open the door; instead of seeing Rank standing there, a very tense-looking Ray greeted him.
“Barkovitch, I’m sorry for Olson yesterday; we didn't know that soulmates were a sensitive subject for you. You are welcome to come sit with us whenever.” Gary had expected a lot of things to come from Ray’s mouth; an apology wasn’t even in the top ten. He thought he’d completely ruined any chance of finding a crowd here, but Ray was still offering that opportunity for humility with a nervous yet honest smile.
Gary was unsure how to respond; no one had ever come to see him after he fucked up, let alone apologize to him. Gary mumbled a small ‘it’s whatever'; it was a weak response, but it was all he could manage.
“So you’ll come eat with us again?” There was no pressure in Ray’s tone; it was a genuine question. Gary nodded; he felt like an idiot for getting so mad in the first place when Ray was trying so hard to be nice. Despite not even answering verbally, Ray still seemed happy.
“Don’t be afraid to tell me or anyone else if something’s a bad subject to bring up, okay?” Ray had laid a reassuring hand on the side of Gary’s arm, giving one soft squeeze before walking off.
———
Gary started sitting with Ray’s group at lunch whenever he was free; it felt nice to be included, even though he could tell that Pete still watched him warily and that Collie seemed to watch him as if he might start clawing his own throat out at any moment. Gary did his best to ignore it; he really didn’t want to throw Ray’s overwhelming kindness right back in his face.
Gary would bite his tongue anytime he saw Ray and Pete get all lovey-dovey with each other; it was wrong. Boys can’t love boys; they should never have the chance to be soulmates. That’s what his father screamed at him when he got caught kissing another boy in early middle school. It’s also why he started living with his MeeMaw. Gary had called them fags once in front of everyone, and he had walked away from lunch that day with a black eye that Collin had given him. No one spoke to Gary until he apologized; Gary decided it was better to keep his thoughts to himself instead of losing the only people he had.
Even if Gary chose not to say anything about Ray and Pete after Collie had punched him, they still fought verbally more often than not. Ray would step in if it seemed things might get physical, but other than that, they were usually left to their own devices. It became the norm for them to argue over something minuscule; even when Ray started inviting Gary to hang out outside of lunch, they’d still be at each other’s throats.
Gary never understood Stebbins, he never seemed to get upset at anything Gary said. Stebbins didn’t talk much in general, especially towards Gary. The more Gary felt ignored, the more it pissed him off; he was accustomed to a variety of reactions, but he didn’t expect indifference. Gary tried to do anything to get a reaction out of Stebbins, the most he was ever given was a small confused eyebrow raise or a little smile, like what he said was amusing to Stebbins instead of insulting. It was hard to tell what Stebbins thought about Gary; sometimes he’d hand Gary a sandwich during lunch if he had shown up empty-handed like usual. Stebbins would shrug whenever Gary asked why he was giving him some of his food; Gary didn’t admit how much he appreciated having something to eat.
———
Everything was completely normal, the usual routine, when it all went to shit. The group had been complaining about how high the heat was in the cramped college lunch hall. Collie had shrugged off his usual long-sleeve jacket, and Gary’s eyes immediately caught the small crescent moon symbol on his wrist; the same one Gary had on his.
Gary didn’t know what to do, what to think. It had to be wrong; there was no way he actually had a soulmate, let alone his soulmate being Collie Parker. It left so many odd feelings to creep up in Gary’s gut. Does this mean he truly did have two soulmates? Or was it all just a sick joke? It had to be. Collie was a boy; there was no way he could be Gary’s soulmate.
“Barkovitch?” Ray’s voice snapped him out of his internal spiral; he sounded worried. “You okay? You’ve been staring at Collie, and you didn’t respond when he called your name.”
“Yeah, I’m fine—fuck off, it’s nothing.” Gary stood up and rushed out of the lunch hall before anyone could respond.
Gary scurried to his dorm, praying Rank would be out somewhere. Thankfully for Gary’s pride, he was.
The dorm room was quiet, with Gary’s side being a complete mess of clothes and chaos. He had to kick some empty cans out of the way to make it over to his cheap bed. That hard mattress never felt more like home than now as he flopped down; Gary was so lost. He had spent the past three years of his life believing fate had chosen to laugh in his face. Giving him something that wasn’t possible, giving him zero chances of ever finding his destined lover. He believed that whatever gave out soulmates knew no one could ever love Gary Barkovitch. Yet, Collie had the same mark on his wrist.
Gary sat up just enough to pull off his pullover, tossing it onto the floor with all his other clothes. He stared at the two taunting shapes on his wrist. Who could have the rabbit? Was it a girl or another boy? The thought of it being another man made Gary feel nauseous, not because he hated that idea. He liked it; he didn’t hate the idea of being with a man, or even being with Collie. That’s what made him sick; he should have hated it and been disgusted by the thought. It’s what his father would say, but he wasn’t. Gary was dirty, even more sick in the head than he thought. Gary scratched at the symbols on his wrist, raking sharp fingernails over the cursed marks until blood started caking up under his nails. Gary watched the big, blotchy lines that bled over his bed, red covering up his shame. He stared until the blood dried, and he continued staring until his eyelids felt too heavy to keep open anymore.
———
Gary slept until Rank returned and subsequently freaked out over Gary’s wrist and the blood that surrounded it. Gary tried to get Rank to calm down by saying it was old, but it didn’t help much.
After some time, Gary persuaded Rank to relax and agree not to tell anyone if Rank could clean and bandage his wound. Gary refused to tell Rank what happened, and he didn’t pry either.
———
Gary started avoiding the group altogether, lying in bed for two days straight, only getting up to use the bathroom every few hours. Gary doubted that any of them would notice or care; he felt disconnected from the group, merely a stray cat that Ray had brought along out of pity. Gary knew Ray had texted him a few times an hour or two after he had left in a huff that day. Gary hadn’t bothered checking them; it was probably Ray telling him that he was finally throwing in the towel on his pity project.
Gary had been drifting in and out of sleep the whole day; the sudden knock at his door made him jump. Gary’s phone died yesterday; he hadn't bothered to charge it, so he had no idea what time it was. Maybe it was someone looking for Rank or something.
Gary got up and swung the door open, still wearing the same clothes (minus the hoodie) as he had two days ago. He knew his hair was probably a mess too, but he didn’t care about what Rank’s loser friends thought about him anyway.
Gary stood face to face with Ray; of course, he was. Gary had major déjà vu and fought the urge to smash his fist into his head for being so stupid. The moment Gary’s mind caught up to his body, he blinked once before slamming the door shut.
“Wait! Barkovitch I want to talk! We’re all worried about you," Ray called through the door; after a beat of silence, he spoke again, “Can we please talk? I promise I’ll leave you alone after; I just want to make sure you’re alright.”
With a slight sigh, Gary opened the door again, allowing Ray to enter his dorm with visible reluctance. The silence felt uncomfortable; it made the buzzing under Gary’s skin feel unbearable, his fingers itching to scratch at the marks that were now covered in bandages thanks to Rank.
“B, what happened? You stared at Collie for a long time and then just left; no one has seen you since." The worry in Ray's voice, the concern that creased his brow, made Gary feel guilty for disappearing without saying anything. Gary hadn’t even realized that instinctively his hand had fallen over his bandaged wrist, scratching at the soft cotton, trying to reach the skin underneath.
Ray gasped at the sight of the bandages covering Gary’s arm; he reached down to pull away Gary’s itching hand before speaking, "Oh, Gary, what happened?"
Ray’s tone felt too soft and endearing; that slight bit of care was all it took to break Gary. Small tears picked up in the corners of his eyes as he shook off Ray’s gentle hold. Gary removed the bandage with a shaky hand.
“I think—fuck, I think Parker is my soulmate.” Gary’s voice trembled as he held his wrist out for Ray to examine. Despite the ugly scab's best efforts, the symbols on his wrist were still visible. Ray didn’t say anything at first; he stared at Gary’s arm for what felt like an eternity.
“You have two marks?” Of course that was the first thing Ray noticed as he took hold of the underside of Gary’s arm, drawing it closer to examine the marks.
“Yeah, I thought it was some sick joke when I got ‘em, like the universe was makin’ it clear I’d never find that kinda love," Gary rattled off with a shake still in his voice; Ray nodded at his words. “But yesterday Parker took off his jacket and I saw the same goddamn mark on his wrist. It’s all so wrong.”
“What’s so wrong about it? You know it is possible to have more than one soulmate? Very rare, but not impossible," Ray was calm in his words.
"Wait, really? I always thought— shit, that’s not the point; it’s wrong for my soulmate to be a guy.” Gary was getting more stressed by the minute; it felt like his nerves were trying to fight against him.
“Why is it wrong? Pete and I are soulmates, quite happy ones at that.” Ray looked a little sad, maybe even disappointed by Gary’s words, but Ray was still trying to be understanding.
“I don’t know—it just is! That’s what my Pa always said.” Gary felt embarrassed for trying to explain what had become common knowledge for him to someone else who seemed not to have that same thought.
“It’s not Barkovitch, it’s really not. Your dad is wrong; why would there be same-sex soulmates if it were so wrong?” It made sense, but Gary hated it. He spent his whole life squashing the butterflies in his stomach whenever he thought about how right it felt to kiss that boy in middle school. It had been years of self-hatred over the feelings for men that he could never completely erase from his thoughts.
Gary hadn’t realized he had started scraping his nails down the old scabs on his wrist until he felt the tender touch of Ray’s hands pulling his fingers away from the new wounds that had started sprouting with blood. Ray helped Gary over to sit down on his bed, looking at Gary for a moment before grabbing a few tissues out of a box on Rank's bedside table. Ray pressed the tissues to Gary’s wrist with a gracious amount of care.
“You know when I first found out that Pete was my soulmate I freaked out a bit too. I had always thought mine would be a girl; I never considered anything different.” Ray looked at Gary, who kept his own eyes trained on where a slight spot of red had started seeping through the tissues. Ray took a small breath before speaking again, “But when I started dating Pete it felt so right I didn’t care about anything else, about any girl I had dreamed up in my head before. It didn’t matter what anyone thought and still doesn’t.”
Ray’s words hit harder than Gary cared to admit; Ray was so earnest with every word, more confident than Gary had ever been about anything in his own life. Gary wanted to believe Ray, but knowing that the person who shared a mark with him was Collie made it even harder for him. Gary never wanted to admit that he had found Collie frustratingly attractive when they first locked eyes, or how much he liked it when Collie would argue back.
Gary wasn’t stupid, though; he knew Collie didn’t like him in the slightest. He really had no reason to; they just argued; it wasn’t like anyone knew them for their blossoming friendship or anything.
“You say that, but Pete loves you; he’s got reasons to. Collie’s got no reason to give me the time of day.” Tears pricked at Gary’s eyes again, even if Gary believed Ray that it was right for two men to be soulmates, there’s no way Collie would ever love him.
“I don’t think that’s true; Collie talks about you a lot when you’re not around.” Ray paused but seemed to understand the question Gary wanted to ask before he could speak. “And no, it’s not negative; well, maybe it was slightly negative at first when he was still unsure about you; it’s mostly concern now. He always talks about how thin you look, like you’re not eating, or the way you scratch at your neck."
“You’ve got to be kidding me. That isn't funny, Garraty," Gary snapped; he didn’t mean to, but everything out of Ray’s mouth seemed too good to be true.
“I’m not, he couldn’t stop talking about why you had completely disappeared for the past couple of days. He even tried to figure out who your roommate was so he could get a key.” Ray lowered his head until he made eye contact with Gary. "He really does care about you, Barkovitch.”
All the air in Gary’s lungs seemed to be caught in place; did Collie really care as much as Ray was saying? It felt impossible.
“Maybe you should try talking about it with him, yeah? I could tell him to come see you,” it was a harmless offer, yet it felt like the most taxing decision Gary had ever had to make.
“Yeah, fuck it, yeah okay," Gary sputtered out in a rush before he could overthink it. Ray smiled at him, glancing down at the tissues he still had pushed against Gary’s arm; it was probably stuck in place now by the dried blood.
“I’m really proud of you. You’ll be okay on your own while I get him?” Gary felt a bit flushed at Ray’s first few words; he nodded. That nod was all the confrontation Ray needed to get up and leave Gary alone in his dorm.
The second Ray closed the door behind Gary, feeling regret for having spilled his guts out so carelessly. Gary couldn’t stop thinking about everything he’d confessed to Ray; what if Ray was just leaving to go laugh at him with the rest of the group? Gary would become the social outcast again; his MeeMaw would be so disappointed. She was so happy to learn he had finally ‘found his folks,' as she called it when he had called her. He wouldn’t even be able to tell her what caused it in the first place; she always said she loved Gary unconditionally, but he didn’t want to test his luck.
Gary started scratching at his upper arm this time, peeling the skin away with dull nails. It was painful but grounding; it gave him something else to think about other than all his possible fuck-ups. The room was silent other than the sickening noise of Gary’s nails eating away at layers of his skin.
Gary immediately perked up at the slight creak coming from the old hinges of the door as Collie pushed it open. Collie looked normal except for the faint bags forming underneath his eyes. They stared at each other for a moment in silence after the door had clicked closed behind Collie. Collie’s eyes had wandered over to Gary’s arm; it probably didn’t look pretty if Collie's sudden alarmed expression said anything.
“Barkovitch, you look awful.” There wasn’t any bite in Collie's voice; it wasn’t an insult, it was a fact, one that was also laced with concern. He moved towards Gary, moving his hand away from his now-raw upper arm. “Ray told me to come see you, said you wanted to talk about something important.”
Gary nodded as he thought about how he could even begin to confess everything that he had talked about with Ray just minutes before.
“I think you’re my soulmate.” Gary’s words were so quiet, like a small rip in water. Collie’s expression faltered a bit at the confession. Gary felt the heat of shame and embarrassment enveloping his body, and that heat transformed into anger. “Don't fuckin’ look at me like that. Fuck, forget it. Ray was so wrong. Get out.”
Gary pushed away Collie, shuffling backwards onto his bed to make as much distance between them. He felt disgusted with himself for even thinking there was a chance Collie would show any emotion other than loathing. Gary’s hand traveled up to his arm again; he didn’t even get the chance to start the destructive attack on his arm again before Collie had leaned forward to grab his hand with a lot more force this time.
“Barkovitch stop doing that. I’m not mad or whatever else you’re thinking; it just took a second for my brain to process that shit.” Collie was firm, in both his tone and in his grip of Gary’s arm. Gary tried pulling away to no avail; he had always been a bit weaker than average, but in comparison to Collie? He might as well be a piece of paper trying to push a boulder.
“Please calm down; I’m trying to have a serious conversation, but it’s hard when you keep trying to peel your skin off,” Gary grumbled while nodding. Collie was right; he should try to at least pretend to be calm. Maybe there was a way of still salvaging this shitshow. Gary shook his head forcefully for a moment before turning to look up at Collie.
“Okay, that’s good. Can I see your mark then?” That firmness in Collie’s voice had melted into something sweeter. Gary just thrust his wrist forward, completely forgetting the tissues that were still glued in place over his marks. Collie’s brow crested slightly; with a gentle touch, he peeled back the tissues. Gary cringed as the soft material clung to his skin due to the blood. Collie made a soft, shocked noise as the tissue was moved away enough for Gary’s marks to become visible, still having new and old wounds that stretched down over them.
“You have two marks.” It wasn’t a question; anyone with eyes could see that Gary had two marks. Collie seemed to focus on the rabbit symbol, showing interest in it rather than the matching crescent moon.
“That’s the same mark as Stebbins’.” Collie’s words were so quiet that they felt as if they weren’t meant to be said aloud in the first place. Gary’s mind was reeling; he had two soulmates, which seemed unbelievable. One was Collie and the other was Stebbins? There’s absolutely no way.
“Don’t fuckin’ joke like that, Parker, it ain’t funny.” Gary’s voice was aggressive to cover the doubt; he knew there was no way he deserved to have two soulmates like them. Gary had accepted that he had none at all; it made sense that no one could, no one should love Gary Barkovitch.
“I’m not joking; I know I fuck with you a lot, but I wouldn’t joke about this kind of thing.” There was an unwavering seriousness in Collie’s voice.
“I could even go find him and make him confirm it.” It was a genuine offer. Gary almost wanted to agree; he wanted to have that proof even if it seemed absurd. The thought of having to sit alone in his cramped dorm room, alone to spiral with his thoughts again, stopped him from agreeing.
“I don’t want to sit alone.” Gary’s voice was tiny and fragile. He hated how weak he sounded, how much this whole situation had dragged him down.
"Right, yeah, I could text him? He almost never answers his phone, though.” Collie seemed a little bit tense; Gary didn’t really understand why he would have a reason to be. Maybe it was sinking in that Gary was his soulmate and that Gary was an absolute mess.
“Would he even want to know I’m his supposed soulmate? He never talks to me.” Collie laughed at Gary’s words; Gary felt so embarrassed again. Before he could try to take back his words, Collie spoke.
"Oh, he definitely would; he likes you, that’s why he goes out of his way to bring extra food for you or smiles at everything you say. He’s never done that for anyone else; he’s particularly obsessed with you.” This was all news to Gary; he always thought Stebbins took pity on him when he never had anything with him at lunch or that Stebbins was making fun of him.
“Okay, fine, text him or whatever,” Gary mumbled while Collie smiled and pulled out his phone.
There was a brief pause as Collie sent something to Stebbins, Collie shoved his phone back into his pants pocket before moving to sit on the bed next to Gary.
"Honestly, I’m not opposed to you being my soulmate. Even if we fight, I’ve grown to be really fond of you, though I think I’m only now admitting it to myself." Gary understood what Collie meant; Gary didn’t hate the idea of soulmates being real because one of his was Collie. He hated it because it contradicted everything his upbringing taught him to believe.
“If you want to, I wouldn’t mind trying to figure something out with you and possibly Stebbins,” a pause, a small breath Collie sucked in, “I know everything is probably a lot to take in right now; I’m willing to wait.”
Gary didn’t want to wait; he wanted nothing more than to feel Collie’s hands all over him, but a loud part of Gary’s brain screamed at him for being so dirty, so wrong.
“Okay.” It was hardly an answer, but it was all Gary could muster from his throat. Collie looked happy nonetheless. Gary rested his head against Collie’s shoulder in an unsure manner, like he’d bolt if Collie made the wrong move. Collie sat as still as possible.
———
They sat in silence like that for a while, soaking up each other’s presence in this delicate moment. Gary only pulled away when the door cracked open; he half expected to see Rank, but of course it was never Rank. It was Stebbins. He looked at both of them for a moment before taking his time to walk in. Stebbins almost seemed a little bit out of breath, like he’d bolted the moment he saw Collie’s message.
“I got your message, Collie.” He clarified nonetheless, even though it wasn’t necessary to say that out loud; it was the most obvious reason why he’d be here in the first place. Stebbins wandered toward the spot where they curled up next to each other.
Stebbins rolled down the sleeve of his chunky green sweater that looked soft yet itchy. He held out his wrist to Gary; it was the same rabbit mark. Collie was right. Gary wasn’t sure what to say; he scooted forward away from Collie and held out his wrist toward Stebbins in return. Stebbins looked at the scabs on Gary’s wrist with a serious expression but remained silent. Stebbins reached out to hold Gary’s hand gently.
“Well?” Collie spoke up from where he sat close behind Gary.
“I am happy to know who my soulmate is, and I’m glad it’s you.” Stebbins stared into Gary’s eyes with such intensity that it felt as if he were looking into Gary’s soul.
“Really?” The word slipped past Gary’s lips before he could stop it. Stebbins's grip on his hand tightened slightly while Collie leaned over to rest a hand on Gary’s back.
“Yes, really. I’d love you even if you weren’t mine.” It was all so much, a good kind of too much. Gary bit his lip to distract himself from tearing up; no one had ever been this nice to him unless it was out of obligation. Collie seemed to notice the overwhelmed expression on Gary's face.
“How about we talk about the logistics a bit more later, yeah?” Collie gave Stebbins a look over Gary’s shoulder as he spoke; Stebbins nodded his head. So did Gary.
Gary shuffled back onto the bed while Stebbins crawled up onto the other side of Gary. He climbed higher until he found a comfortable spot next to Gary’s left side, with Collie on his right. Gary felt caged in but not in a bad way, for once his racing thoughts had slowed.
Exhaustion washed over Gary’s body all at once; he leaned his head against Collie’s chest once more while Stebbins reached to hold his left hand again.
It was going to be a tough road to make everything work, something Gary thought he’d never be up for, but with Collie and Stebbins at his side, he realized he was more than willing to try.