Chapter Text
Pearl’s shoulders felt like lead. She was slumped over her desk in her dim office space, currently bordering on a grueling twelve hour shift at her architecture firm. The desk across from her was empty. Usually, even at this hour, Tango would be occupying the office space with her, his occasional chatter helping to relieve her immense fatigue. However, he had a date planned with Jimmy already, and it was the couple’s anniversary. Tango, knowing the strict deadline he and Pearl were on, offered to reschedule, but Pearl insisted against it, and the blonde eventually caved, leaving the office earlier that day with a reminder to not overwork herself. She did not follow those instructions.
Every muscle in her ached. At some point after her lunch break, which was easily five hours ago, the lines on the parchment in front of her started to blur. She had no clue how many times she had erased and remodeled the ceiling plan for her recent client’s new department store. Pearl’s supervisor had been pestering her about the blueprints for the past week, after a particularly rocky meeting with the picky client.
Though the client was an older man with no credentials in architecture whatsoever, he kept rejecting the plans they presented him with, for no real reason other than his claim that, “This just isn’t my vision.” Despite the man’s demanding behavior, he refused to work with any of the architects on the project to fulfill his “vision.”
With a yawn, she leaned back in her chair and stretched. Pearl sighed, letting her eyes close momentarily before taking a glance at her phone. The clock on her lockscreen read 7:36pm. She glanced at the plans in front of her. After a careful, albeit tired, assessment, she decided that the blueprints were satisfactory. Pearl resolved herself to present the plans to her supervisor when she entered the office two days later, as she luckily had tomorrow off.
Feeling the ache in her joints as she stood to pack up her things, she was relieved that she had the next day off. Eying the time once more as she left her office, walking down the hall towards the elevator, she pulled on her red zip-up sweatshirt, and tossed her phone into her purse. The brisk night air hit her face when she opened the door, causing her to shiver as the breeze nipped at her fingertips. Pearl tugged the fabric further over her ears, and began walking towards her car –a 2005 deep red Toyota crown hybrid– at a quick pace.
She unlocked her car, sliding into the front seat and haphazardly tossing her purse into the passenger seat. With practiced ease, she started up the car, and began her drive home.
Her drive home was completely uneventful, as was most of her life the past few years. With dragging footsteps, she unlocked her front door–taking a few frustrating moments fumbling with her keys due to her fatigue– and dropped her bag onto the table by the door.
Almost immediately, Tilly was at Pearl’s heels—with the same renewed excitement as always— greeting her owner home after such a long day. Despite her exhaustion, Pearl managed a huff, bending down slightly to scratch Tilly behind the ears. Tilly followed her closely as she refilled the pup’s water, and then portioned out food into her dinner bowl.
Giving Tilly one last pat as she chowed down, Pearl shut off the lights and headed to bed. Barely managing to change out of her work clothes, she plugged her phone in and allowed her aching body some rest in the solace of her sheets.
Pearl never considered herself lucky. If she was, she wouldn’t be plagued with the hurt she faced in her dreams. Unfortunately, her subconscious didn’t seem to have any care for just how stressful her waking life was as is. If anything, however, Pearl’s life was one thing— painfully consistent. This consistency did not end in the waking hours. No, the whispers were always the same.
It wasn’t like Pearl hadn’t tried. She always did. But the nagging voice remained. It was always there. Insisting that she had something wicked and ugly ingrained in her soul, no matter how many times she tried to carve it out, carve herself anew; into someone kinder, someone easier to care for.
But no matter what she tried, time and time again, she was reminded of the same, painful, glaring question; why was she so hard to love? It was her mind's way of making sense of things. She was the common denominator in every failed relationship. So surely, she must've done something wrong. After a while, she stopped letting people get close. It simply proved to be a waste of time. Why attempt to form new bonds when she got taught the same lesson every single time?
After some time, she began to accept it. Accepted she would always hate the person staring her back in the mirror. Pearl didn’t attempt to change anymore, no. After hearing the echos of people she once held dear telling her just how little she was to them; just how awful she was, Pearl internalized it. Because if she had truly fucked up this many times, then it had to be her fault. She gave in to the the belief that these tendencies were part of her- that she was inherently destructive and harmful to those around her.
She became like a caged animal, in that sense— a violent dog who only knew to bite. After all, that stopped people from getting close. Kept her from inflicting harm on more people that she had cared about. There were few exceptions to the cage she had put herself in. Her brothers, who had known her before she surrendered to her own guilt and self-pity. Tango, being another, as he and Jimmy had been together for such a long time.
Though she wasn't consciously aggressive to people a majority of the time, Pearl retained a steely resolve. Kind, but private. Witty, but uninteresting. She carefully constructed a character for herself, palatable enough for most, easy enough to have a fun time with occasionally, without being burdened with all of who Pearl was as a whole. No, the character Pearl designed contained only the shallow, fragmented parts of who she was.
When Pearl allowed herself time to ponder it, she decided it was only fair. To punish herself for the indescribable ugliness she was sure permeated her soul, she resigned herself to this life; a job that she hated, and a mind that always kept her deeply aware of her own self-hatred. And in her dreams, of course, this loathing was much harder to ignore; with nothing to focus on but her own regretful thoughts and memories.
A part of her though, begged for a change, for a second chance; to prove that hurt was not all she was.
This dream always started the same. Twisting her own memories into something different, something painful. She stood in a clearing, a park near her old home. Across from her, an old friend, their face twisted up in disdain. Distantly, buried under the feeling of the wind howling in her ears and her heart beating in her throat, she felt her nails dig into her palms.
“I tried, Pearl. But all you seem to know is how to hurt.”
Despite the wind howling in her ears, stinging her eyes, she could hear the voice just as clear as that day. Pearl didn’t attempt to speak— she knew she was no longer capable of it. She felt the tears run down her face, not bothering to wipe them away.
“You betrayed me, Pearl. You don’t get to show remorse now.”
A voice in the back of her head agreed, her own thoughts beginning to overwhelm her while the person in front of her continued. A voice nagged at her, A dog that weeps after it kills is no better than the dog who doesn’t.
The face in front of her blurred, and the voice shifted– becoming a cacophony of all those she had let down, of all those who she should’ve done better for. The person, now unrecognizable, a gruesome combination of all those she regretted, bore a wicked smile.
“Really, Pearl,”
They tilted their head, with a mocking, falsely sympathetic tone.
“We pity you. You’re a fool for thinking you can amount to anything more. You are destined to destroy everything you love.”
The sound of their voice became muffled by the wind, but she vaguely heard a vindictive laugh.
“Whether you tried to or not, there is something wicked within you.”
The sound and sensation of the wind swirling around her intensified, before she found herself fully enveloped in it, her own-self loathing thoughts running through her mind too quickly to grasp onto.
Pearl did not wake with a start. She simply found her body dragging her from the throes of her unrestful sleep, per usual. Despite her slowly coming awake, she did not bother to open her eyes. Maybe, she wondered —though part of her knew it was futile— If I stay in bed longer, my mind will give me a break. Instead, she forced herself out of bed soon after, taking her medication and washing it down, before dragging herself to the bathroom for a warm shower her body would appreciate.
Mornings after those restless dreams were never pleasant. After living with the feeling so long, she learned mostly to ignore it. Pushing it down reserved more energy for other things, anyway.
Pearl finished up her shower— towel drying her hair and throwing on day clothes— and headed to her kitchen to prepare both Tilly breakfast.
The days she had off were narrowed down into a solidified routine. Pearl would shower, get dressed, and feed Tilly and take her for a walk. While she waited for Tilly to finish eating, Pearl took to washing up some dishes before drying her hands and rummaging for Tilly’s red leash in the wicker basket by the door.
At the sound of the metal of her leash clinking, Tilly bounded over to Pearl, excitedly circling her owner in such an enthusiastic fashion that it was a miracle Pearl managed to secure the leash to her pup’s collar. Pearl couldn’t help but let out a small giggle as Tilly ran straight for the door as Pearl was pulling on her shoes.
Bending down to grasp Tilly’s leash, Pearl made sure to grab her purse and house keys from the table she had put them on the night before in her exhaustion.
Stepping out onto her porch, the slight chill the morning air had on her still-damp skin was refreshing. Looking down at Tilly at the sound of her small bark, Pearl grinned, eyes catching the sight of her dog, brimming with excitement for her walk as she tugged on the leash.
It was only after Pearl had taken Tilly on three laps through the empty park, as well as an extra burst around a few park benches as she felt the need to chase a squirrel, that Tilly had calmed down slightly, now content with just standing by a pond in the park.
That was, until Tilly heard the jingling of keys down the street.
Pearl —not having half a mind to reel her in— let Tilly lead her into a part of the city she didn’t frequent often. Feeling confident in her hold on her dog, Pearl texted Jimmy with her free hand, inquiring about his and Tango’s date.
She wasn’t paying that much attention to much else– that is, until she heard a squeal, and felt a suspicious tug on the leash in her hand. Her eyes shot up– catching a flash of bright auburn hair. Fully taking in the situation, there was a woman —who looked to be around Pearl’s age— leaning down to Tilly and petting her. Tilly, on the other hand, was not the slightest bit apprehensive of this new stranger. She was spinning in circles, chasing the pets and affection that the woman was providing her.
Pearl, suddenly feeling slightly awkward, cleared her throat.
“Ah- Tilly.. Oh, c’mere, you menace.”
Pearl chuckled nervously, catching the woman’s attention.
“Sorry about that. She tends to get… a little excitable around new people.”
She finally met the woman’s eyes —which were a beautiful shade of green and sparkled with amusement. Had the other woman not spoken, Pearl might’ve stood there forever, lost in her eyes.
The stranger laughed softly, shaking her head. When she spoke, her voice was smooth and kind, carrying a hint of an accent, almost imperceptible.
“That’s quite alright,” she smiled, “I’ve always had a soft spot for critters.”
The woman extended her hand.
“My name is Gem, by the way,” She beamed, eyes crinkling.
Blinking for a moment, Pearl snapped back into the moment, shaking the woman's —Gem’s— hand.
Pearl returned a smile of her own —which she hoped wasn’t as unsteady as she felt, caught off guard— and introduced herself, “Nice to meet you, Gem. My name’s Pearl.”