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What is fear?
Fear by definition is, ‘an unpleasant, often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger’. In other words, it's distress. It's your stomach churning, or a lingering thought that something is amiss, or when you accidentally mess up and you know you’ll be scolded for it. It's a common emotion that even infants feel. It's hardly a hard emotion to understand because it’s so widely felt.
At the sight of your dear friend, Kazuha, you felt fear.
Kazuha was not in danger, nor was he a danger to you. No, he could never be. Idly standing by the railing of the ship, the sun hit his gentle expression as he gazed longingly, his eyes tracing the shape of Inazuma's shores. He missed his home dearly and you knew and understood that. After all, a sorrowful person understands the sorrow of another.
During these times of mutual sadness, the two of you offered comfort to each other, often sharing stories of your respective homelands. Despite the difference between the cultures of your nations, the homesickness is still the same. For time you’ve known each other, that's how your friendship has been. Mutual comfort. It's comforting to find someone who feels the same way as you do. But mutual feelings are only found in that regard.
You feared losing Kazuha. It was embarrassing to admit it, but it was hard to deny when the mere thought of him made your heart physically ache. He's a kind friend, patient like the arrival of seasons. His mind and body was abundant in wisdom and experience. He saw the world in a way that you never thought of. It baffles you how Kazuha could still see the world in such gentleness. He went through the trauma of being cast out of his own country, losing his family, and losing his friend, yet his love for living never faltered.
You admired that—you admired him. It was hard not to.
“Has the thought of going back home crossed your mind?” Kazuha asked, turning his gaze to you.
“As much as I miss it, no,” you replied, expecting the conversation to end there. Kazuha wasn't the type of person to keep prying for answers, especially for personal and vulnerable questions like these. But it was different this time.
Kazuha asked, “Why not?”
You didn't expect a question, so you couldn't answer immediately. But it wasn’t because you didn't know what to answer. How could you forget something you constantly tell yourself?
You have nothing to go back to.
There was nothing waiting for you, wherever you came from. The present offered something, at least. It was not everything you desired—you had no desire—but it is enough. The simpleness of the life you were trying to lead at present was enough. Being in this moment was enough.
But you didn't say that to him. You ended up not answering his question. You ended up giving him silence.
・・・・・
You met Kazuha the moment you arrived on the Alcor, as Captain Beidou introduced you both to each other. During that time, you felt as though Captain Beidou wanted you to have a friend on the ship. It would make sense. She knew your situation well. You had to convince her to take you into the crew somehow.
But Kazuha was a quiet one, you realized. Beidou already gave you that warning, explaining that he rarely uttered a word to any of the crew members, but you didn’t know that he was that quiet.
You were the one who began your first conversation. Surprisingly though, he was the one that kept it going.
The first conversation you shared lasted for hours. You couldn’t even remember how long. You couldn’t even remember what you talked about. But what you remembered were his starstruck eyes, talking about the countless journeys he’s had. Every word he spoke sounded like he was telling an epic tale of adventure. Each small, simple detail, he wonderfully told, like the way the waves of the sea swayed. Each grand sight to marvel at, he described with such visual detail, like the lanterns floating to the sky during Lantern Rite in Liyue.
You admired the way Kazuha made his words into art, even at just the simple act of telling. He had so much passion for living.
So much, you felt that you should keep living too.
・・・・・
Sleepless nights are not a new concept to you. Despite the silence on the Alcor, in the middle of the sea, the countless thoughts storming your mind is enough to keep you from the peacefulness of dreams.
When you were only a few weeks into your time on the Alcor, you'd just shrug it off, try to sleep it off but fail to. You'd end up staring at the ceiling, occasionally listening to the drunk ramblings of the cabin next door. A few times you'd stay up until the sun rose. However, after 3 months in the Alcor, you feel more at home. So, during these times, you go out to the prow of the ship, watching the gentle waves rock the ship, until your eyes start drooping. It worked for a while.
Until those moments of trying to calm yourself turned into late night talks with Kaedehara Kazuha.
Here you are again, trying to “feel sleepy” when in reality you were just waiting to see Kazuha again. You hated admitting that to yourself. But how can you blame yourself? It's hard not to be intrigued by him. Every time he talks, poetry and prose comes out of his mouth—it’s like talking to a book.
“I sensed you'd be here.”
You couldn't help but smile as you turned to see Kazuha. “Because I've been here 3 times in a row or is it because of those sensitive senses of yours?”
“The former, at first. The latter confirmed it,” Kazuha replied, crossing his arms. “Sleep evades you again?”
A yawn nearly came out of your mouth, but you suppressed it, nodding your head as you shifted your head away, “Yes.”
“Then I suppose I'll think up a new topic to talk about,” Kazuha said, leaning against the wooden railings of the ship. “Unless you have an idea?”
You glanced at him then looked back at the ocean. You have so many questions and ideas, more than you'd like to admit. What was your childhood like? What's something you hate? What's your worst fear? Do you think you should be loved?
In one breath, you picked up your courage, taking all of your thoughts into a simple yet terrifyingly vulnerable question, “Do you think we'd be friends for a long time?”
Kazuha, being the epitome of contemplation, took a moment to reply, humming for a moment. He pressed his lips together in thought, crossing his arms as he shut his eyes, as if visualizing his thoughts before answering.
“I am not keen about disappointing you but, life leads us in different paths. I'm sure you know that,” Kazuha stated, looking at you, waiting for your response before continuing.
“I know that. I'm not naive,” you said with a smile.
Kazuha nodded, “I know you're not. You're far from it.”
He continued, “I am not someone who stays in one place for too long. I traverse the land like a leaf being carried by the wind. And I'm sure you have dreams of your own. Who knows if we walk the same path in life?
“But if fate wills my path to be intertwined with yours, I’ll thank the Archons for it. To have you as a friend is a blessing.”
Your heart dropped at his last sentence, but it didn’t show by how you started laughing, shrugging your feelings off, “You really make everything sound like a poem.”
“A poet’s curse, if not my own. I apologize,” Kazuha chuckled.
“Nothing to apologize for,” you told him. “It’s part of your charm.”
Kazuha laughed softly, “You know, Captain Beidou once told me that I have potential in wealth if I made poetry books.”
“Let me guess,” you stood up straight and crossed your arms, “you said no?”
“Indeed, I disagreed,” Kazuha nods. “Not even in my dreams could I ever imagine myself using my poetic prowess for mora.”
“You’re just not that type of person.”
“Yes, exactly,” Kazuha nodded again. “Poetry for the sake of wealth has little depth to it. I don't judge those who do so, but for me, it would go against my beliefs if I did the same. Poetry is how I get my… wild, unadulterated, and romantic emotions into words. It would hardly have the same meaning and effect if I did it for money.”
“I respect that,” you told him. “You're consistent with your morals, even in the face of temptation.”
“You flatter me. I only seem that way because I'm not held by material possessions. The life of wandering is enough for me. It’s not a life most people live,” Kazuha says. “But what about you? At the face of temptation, would you falter?”
This question felt like a test of whether you’re a saint or not. Of course, you admit that you’re not perfect. You may or may not choose your own feelings or act irrational in certain situations. It’s impossible to be rational because you’re a human being. But, you liked to think that, to an extent, you wouldn’t let temptation and irrationality control you. However, the way you think has a difference to how you act.
Just as the way you think and feel for Kazuha.
Kazuha is your friend. You converse in conversation, spend time together, and consider each other as equals. The two of you got along the moment you two met, and the rest has been smooth sailing. These things are facts, or at least, things that the two of you would agree with.
You have feelings for Kazuha. Your heart feels heavy and restless just at the mere thought of him, your mind is enraptured by his mere existence. He has taken your heart and it’s undeniable that your feelings grow stronger the more you know him.
Your heart hopelessly yearns for Kazuha. Even so, you know you’re just his friend. Regardless, you are his friend. And that's enough for you. To think that such a beautiful soul lives and breathes in the same cruel world as you do is enough to keep your heart at ease.
Yet…
Why does thinking about the future where you are no longer friends hurt? Why does your heart ache at the idea of losing him? Why does your heart burn with despairing passion when you think of him liking someone else? Why does your heart still ache for him even when you believe that being friends is enough for you?
Your so-called ‘rationality’ has become a mask. Is this all a ploy to trick yourself into making your feelings hurt less? You don't know. You can't tell.
“I think it depends on the situation,” you finally answer. It felt like months passed before you even answered but Kazuha never minded that. “It’s hard to be sure if I won't be tempted. But I have morals.”
“At least you're honest,” Kazuha laughs, looking at you. “Not many people would admit that. I thank you for being so honest.”
You smiled back, shrugging. “I believe you wouldn't judge me so…”
“The act of giving trust is an act of bravery.” Kazuha moved away from the railing, sighing deeply. “And I thank you for that bravery.”
You wanted to thank him for being your friend, too. But it was too soon. It was too much. What if saying that sparks several other paths? Perhaps you'll tell him some other day. After all, there's nothing waiting for you. You had enough time.
・・・・・
What is love?
Love can mean so many things. There's no exact definition for it because love is felt so differently in the vastness of the world. Love is ever-changing but it is also still. Love is silent but it can be loud. Love can give you everything or make you lose it all.
But most of all, love isn't defined by the majority. It is defined by yourself. What love means to you depends on what you know it to be.
When you were younger, love was a lifelong dream of yours. As a little girl, love was a happy ending to life, the answer to all problems, the very thing that brings life to life. When you grew into a young teenager, love was just simple, plain, old love. You didn’t really know what it was as you had no experience on the matter. It was a feeling that couldn't be put into words and that was enough.
But now, you're not really sure what love is. You never really thought of it anymore. You'll find an answer some day, you told yourself.
Or, alternatively, you could ask your wise friend Kazuha. You knew he’d have his own thoughts on this. So you asked him, one night, when the two of you left the Alcor and took a calm walk on the beaches of Liyue. Life seemed to flourish in the darkness. The waves of the sea felt like the breath of the land.
“Love is an act of selfishness and selflessness.” Kazuha continued walking, his wooden sandals sinking into the sand as the two of you walked near the shore.
Naturally, you asked why he thought so. After all, it wasn't a typical answer, especially from him. Kazuha tended to be more gentle and poetic to his words. But the way he answered felt stern. It was him standing his ground, in a way. The way he spoke is still imprinted in your mind, like ink bleeding on paper.
“What do you feel or do when you love someone?” Kazuha asks you first. He must be trying to prove a point with this question, so you answered.
This made you think about how you acted with your silly little flings. Your memory of love has slightly faded over the years, but you never forget the ones you loved even as time passes. Your lovers and crushes were different in plenty of ways. But one thing in common was that-
“I sought their attention. I desperately wanted to be with them.”
There was once a time in your life where you knew someone and loved them so deeply that, despite not being as religious as most people are in your hometown, you found yourself praying to the gods everyday—to any god for that matter—to let this person stay in your life until your last breath.
Maybe love is unfiltered desperation for someone. Or maybe not. Not everyone feels that desperate for someone, right? You didn't feel that way for some people you liked. But when you were a fool in love, your heart pounded, as if trying to reach out of your chest and jump into theirs. You wanted someone. You wanted them. How could you stop yourself from trying to chase someone regardless if they didn't love you back?
Kazuha smiles, nodding his head, “And that's precisely why love is selfish. In some cases, you end up putting the weight of your feelings on them. After all, loving someone is not asked. It is not a free choice.”
You nodded slowly. That answer seemed so correct. Typical of Kazuha to make a good point. You asked a question, “But what about selflessness? Doesn't that contradict the selfish part?”
Kazuha didn't reply, at least not yet. His footsteps slowed down until he stopped completely. You stopped walking once he stopped, following him closer to the shore. “When you love someone, you let them go.”
You furrowed your eyebrows, tilting your head slightly. To an extent, yes, that's true. Love ends in separation. But continuously? How would that even work?
“What do you mean?”
“Letting go can be interpreted in multiple ways—can be done in multiple ways. Through the loss of a loved one, you let them go to the afterlife and be in peace with yourself. When parting with a loved one, you set them free and let them be a stranger. When you wish better for a loved one, you remember that they are not yours and they are their own person,” Kazuha explained.
He moved to sit down on the sand, taking in the beauty of the moon and the sound of the waves while he took a deep breath. He exhaled. “And while we continuously remind ourselves that our loved ones are their own person with their own fates, the final act of love is, too, letting go. Love is letting go. After all, what does love mean if not losing?”
“Losing…?” You asked.
Kazuha chuckled softly, looking up at you, “Am I rambling too much? Your question intrigued me to answer with whatever's on my mind.”
You shook your head as you sat beside him. Your distance to him was not far enough to seem like strangers, but it wasn't close enough to seem like lovers, which reminds you—
You still liked Kazuha. No, you’re sure you love him.
It’s been 10 months since you began liking Kazuha. Time went by so fast that your feelings for Kazuha felt so natural now. There were no longer any nervous smiles and laughs from you. You no longer felt the tightening of your chest when you thought of him.
Is that what love means to you?
“You can continue,” you told him. “What do you mean by losing?”
Kazuha smiled slightly, putting his hand against the sand, “To love is to accept the chance of losing that person. We can’t keep the ones we love, as much as we wanted to. Even if we give ourselves away. Even if we offer everything. Even if we love them too much to do so. But that’s the beauty in it, isn't it?”
He didn’t wait for an answer. “As humans, we tend to seek grandiose dreams, which is not inherently wrong. But because of our fixations of wanting more, we often forget that many ‘little’ things we experience in our everyday lives are privileges. Even wandering with no home to come back to is a privilege. Being able to experience life in this world is a privilege.
“Like a simple, gentle ripple against a still lake, life is a moment to be cherished. We should cherish our brief lives. We should cherish the small things in the world. We should cherish love, regardless of how brief it was. Love was there. Love is beautiful.”
You briefly took a look at Kazuha, the side of his face as he looked towards the horizon, his eyes gazing towards Inazuma, as he usually does. You had nothing to add to his words. Then again, you couldn’t, anyway. What he just said was more than enough, as expected of him.
You realize what love is to you. It’s this. The calmness of living a night like this, just the two of you together. It would make such a good time to profess your love. Maybe you should. Perhaps now is the perfect time.
“Love is beautiful,” you agreed.
You only agreed.
No. You shouldn’t confess tonight. This was perfect enough.
There was enough time to tell him some other day.
・・・・・
What is time?
365 days. 52 weeks. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds. One year. Ten years. A hundred years. A thousand years.
Time is only mere numbers. The day, the night. It’s not a complicated concept, or at least, you didn’t care enough for any other explanation. Because, regardless, there’s no spectacular explanation or philosophy as to what time is. Only the painful reality that time cannot be controlled. It doesn’t wait. It is merciless. It is continuous. Even if you were the richest person in all of Teyvat, you couldn't buy time for it to be in your favor.
You told yourself that you had enough time in the world. Nothing waited for you. The past lingered but it wasn’t there for you to come back to. The future had no meaning to you. You didn’t look that far. Only enough to forget the past. The present was enough. It was the only thing that mattered to you because time didn’t matter to you. You thought yourself to be a bigger person when it came to time because of this.
When you think of Kazuha, you remember the concept of time. Holding the burdens of his past deep in his heart, he traverses the path of the present, looking towards the future with such brightness, with such bliss and hope. He was not bound by the past. With this, you remember how much you admire him.
Time brings so much fear.
What is fear?
You ask yourself again as the Alcor releases its anchor, hitting the Inazuman seabed. You had all the time in the world before. You were not bound by time. You had nothing waiting. Nothing was waiting for you. Yet you’re losing something that you never had.
You didn’t realize that Kazuha was someone that could slip through your fingers.
Kazuha asked you, “Has the thought of going back home ever crossed your mind?”
Your answer was no. Your reason? You have nothing to go back to.
“Why are you asking?”
You wished he hesitated to reply. But Kazuha spoke with sureness. Kazuha was always sure of himself. He stays true to his heart and his morals, after all. Once he made a decision, he wouldn't turn his back on it.
What goes unsaid is that he didn't choose you. Not now. Perhaps never.
You found yourself stepping down to the Inazuman docks. You were on Inazuman land. You were on the land where his heart lied. The beauty of it felt unreal. No, you couldn’t admire the beauty of the scenery. Could you? When you know that you were saying goodbye to the person that mattered to you the most? You weren’t even sure he knew that.
“I suppose this is farewell.”
Kazuha turns to you, a sheepish smile on his face. It wasn’t strained. It was natural. You knew he was so happy to get back to his hometown, after a year of war and rebellion staining it.
“For now,” you tell him, smiling back at him.
“For now.” His response sounded like a promise. It made your heart ache. Maybe it wasn’t a promise. Maybe it was false hope. A wish, perhaps. Nevertheless, he wished for it too, right? He didn’t want this to be a final goodbye.
“I’m happy for you,” you blurted out. You wanted to spill.
Kazuha’s smile grew, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m thankful for that. For your support. I also hope your journey leads you to much joy. The path ahead, for both of us, is a mystery. But we must keep going forward.”
You nodded. “Thank you.”
Tell him.
Kazuha looked away for a moment, as if trying to make a choice. How amusing. You were also trying to make a choice. Do you tell him you love him or just walk away? What do you have to lose, anyway? He was leaving. You were going in another direction.
“Crew! Prepare for departure in 10 minutes!”
“It seems that Captain Beidou is in a hurry,” Kazuha tells you. “Take care of yourself.”
Kazuha opened his arms, slowly pulling you into a hug. Your stomach churned at his act. Something felt amiss about this goodbye. You were surprised that he hugged you. You were happy about it. But you need to decide now. You couldn’t bear the price of love. You couldn’t bear the silence of your love.
You slowly breathed in. “Thank you for everything, Kazuha. You are admired more than you think you are. I admire you. You are not the perfect person in the world, I know. No one is. But I—”