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If there was anything that movies had taught Derek, it was that true love came on fast. There was an instant connection, a spark, and something like a flashing neon sign that said "THIS IS THE PERSON I AM GOING TO MARRY"; and it took Derek near forty years to discover that this actually was not how it went at all. There were those initial feelings, which he discovered quickly were only lust and not meaningful outside of the first encounter.
He did not do relationships, not really. There were girls- girls he met in coffee shops, at the clubs, at the movies. Never girls from work because he never mixed business and pleasure, regardless of what everyone else might think. Back before the job had seriously taken its toll, Hotch had used to rub him about pretty officers when they were on a case.
The first time Derek saw Penelope Garcia, he was so busy trying to figure something else out that the blonde girl had barely stood out in his mind. He had called her baby girl because Reid, who claimed to remember everything, couldn't remember her name. He had apologized; but she hadn't minded. And it set the tone for the rest of their relationship.
Derek was aware of the different types of love. He knew that he could love someone romantically and love someone like a family member. But it was different with Garcia. She was a close friend that he loved like a sister, but their interaction devolved in to innuendo and flirtations.
Derek's relationship with Penelope was different. Different than anyone else he had ever encountered. She was quickly his best friend, and he did not think that a girl would ever be the one that he felt most comfortable telling about himself- his hopes and fears and dreams. Penelope listened without question and without judgment, even if she thought Derek was completely in the wrong.
Derek and she fought sometimes, little bits of friction, when she pressed and he didn't want her to, when Derek said something stupid and hurt her feelings. When she had met that guy at the coffee shop; he'd never meant to imply that he wouldn't cross a crowded room to chat her up. But he was… he didn't know what he was. It caused some strange feeling within him. He said what he said knowing it would hurt her somehow. Then feigned ignorance when he was called out on it.
But she was always there for him, even after that. His heart had gone out of rhythm, nothing but pure terror when he found out she had been shot. He had stayed with her, unable to leave her side, as a feeling of protectiveness raged through him and something else- something deeper and more meaningful than fear. But Derek did not focus on it, merely pushed it aside and continued on. He was strong for her. And he figured that was the best way to be and to ignore whatever entanglement of emotions amassed just outside the edge of feeling.
Earlier, when he'd been in Chicago for his mother's birthday, after the case- he had dialed her up and sobbed to her over the phone, talking about all the things that had happened to him that he never told anyone. And even though she had to be back to work in the morning, she'd stayed on the phone with him until four AM, listening to him as he rehashed some of the worst memories of his life.
Derek remembered her saying that he was stronger than anyone she knew and he disagreed, telling her to look in the mirror if she wanted to know true strength.
When she started dating Kevin Lynch, Derek's hatred of the man was so sudden and so strong he could barely stand to be in the same room with him. It manifested as a sort of general, low level unease where he'd minimize the other man and pretend to be constantly busy, just for the sake of not interacting with him.
He hated the way he had found out too, where Kevin was talking to Rossi about Penelope; JJ knew more and he'd taken her out, plying her with alcohol until she spilled about Rossi showing up at Penelope's apartment and how Kevin had been there in the shower with her. He wasn't sure what to do with what he felt, so in typical fashion, he ignored it.
Derek had grown up in the type of neighborhood where emotions were an unnecessary evil, that vulnerability had been exploited and feelings were a vulnerability. He figured he should be more like Hotch and tap into his inner-stoicism, because everything about Kevin and Penelope frustrated him to a point that almost drove him to distraction. He knew Reid had noticed- maybe not the feelings but definitely the way he watched Kevin and Penelope.
"Are you alright?" He'd asked him in his quiet, concerned voice which manifested as a little quake, the pitch just a bit higher than normal. And Morgan had smiled and played it off and joked about anti-fraternization rules... and then Reid had gotten distracted quoting the FBI regulation handbook at him. Morgan had nodded along and continued watching as Kevin kissed Penelope a little secretively, before darting backwards when Hotch almost caught them.
While on a case, Penelope flirted with him like always and in a sea of despair and frustration, her voice was like a soothing balm over tired, overworked muscles. And he called her from his hotel room late at night and asked her to just talk to him. She kept the nightmares at bay and when he woke up she was gone. He had a text message Your snoring is cute :3. He had shook his head and moved on with the day, feeling refreshed and able to attack the profile with a clearer head.
Back in the office, Penelope complained about Kevin and Derek sitting at the edge of her desk and listening, dark eyes fixed on her profile as she stared at the screen, typing as she spoke. Her hair was up, the frames of her glasses vivid pink with white polka dots, shiny bubblegum lipstick and her eyes looked gorgeous with the way the light hit her face.
He realized in that moment, Penelope telling him that Kevin wanted to move in together that the feeling he has been ignoring was jealousy. And it hit him suddenly, dizzying, like a blow to the head from the butt of a pistol. He loved Penelope.
"I think Kevin wants to move-"
"I love you," Derek blurted, like now that he knew he had to say it. Penelope stopped talking with a sort of weird sound at the end of her words. She turned from her computer screens to stare at him and Derek felt a familiar heat in his cheeks as a ribbon of embarrassment went down his spine.
Penelope stared at him, eyes wide behind her glasses, lips parted in surprised. Like perhaps she couldn't think of what to say; which suited Derek just fine because he moved in to kiss her, fitting their lips together. He kissed her a little hard, a little deep- a slide of lips and tongue, and Penelope whimpered quietly into his mouth. Derek's hand went to the back of her neck, resting against soft skin.
He kissed her until he could hardly breathe. And when he pulled back, Penelope still looked stunned and Derek was unsure of what to do. He couldn't believe he had done that, and while running was not an option, he considered it as his heartbeat quickened. His fingers were still resting against the back of her neck- but he jerked back away from her when the door opened and Emily came in with an invitation to a girl's night out and some data that needed analyzing.
Derek quickly excused himself. Not five minutes later, Emily was in the bullpen and Derek got a text from Penelope. We need to talk, but not here, I'll come by tonight. Derek felt jittery and a little nervous but- he could work with this.
Now that he admitted it, and he knew it was true, he couldn't- wouldn’t- take it back. And so... tonight? They would work it out.