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Buck rolled over in bed and cracked open an eye, glancing at the bedside clock.
12:02am. Great.
He didn’t want to deal with this.
Closing his eye, he willed his mind to quieten and allow himself to fall back asleep.
*****
2:23am.
The room was pitch black, the silence oppressive, his thoughts the only thing he could hear. He almost wished for the return of his “ghost”, and the creaks and groans that accompanied him as he crept through Buck’s house.
He tried to drift off again.
*****
4:15am.
Could he please get more than two hours sleep?
*****
At 6:29am, Buck reached over and switched off his alarm before it started blaring in a minute’s time. Grabbing his phone, he shot off a text to Chim, explaining that he wasn’t feeling well and he wouldn’t be coming in that day.
Rolling over, Buck grabbed his blankets and threw them over his head, burying himself in a blanket cocoon, determined to stay in bed all day.
*****
A knock at his door jerked Buck awake. He must have finally dozed off at some point, and now there was someone interrupting what little sleep he had managed to get throughout the night.
He glanced at the clock. 10:17am. His brow furrowed as he tried to figure out who could be at his door – it couldn’t be any of the 118, they would all be several hours into their shift by now (not that I expect any of them to check on me he couldn’t help but think a little bitterly). It couldn’t be Maddie as she would be at work as well. He hadn’t ordered any food, and he wasn’t expecting any parcels – he figured it was probably door to door salesmen as another knock echoed through the house. Well, they would just have to try their luck next door – Buck wasn’t moving.
The fourth time he heard the knock, Buck threw his blankets back in frustration and stormed through his house to the front door.
“What do you WANT – T-Tommy.” Buck took in the sight of his ex-boyfriend standing calmly on his doorstep. “S-sorry, I didn’t know it was you.”
Tommy’s lips twitched in a ghost of a smile. “I figured.”
An awkward silence descended, and the pair remained frozen in the doorway, an invisible barrier seemingly keeping one from crossing the threshold to reach the other.
“So, uh,” Buck started, licking his lips nervously. “What are you doing here Tommy?”
Something flickered over Tommy’s face that Buck couldn’t quite identify. Was it guilt? Embarrassment?
Tommy tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans, a sign Buck had come to recognise of Tommy feeling self-conscious and unsure. “I would have texted, but I wasn’t sure if you would have responded,” he said, and Buck felt a little twinge of guilt. Tommy had texted a couple of times after Bobby’s death to check in on him, but he had been so preoccupied with his own grief and trying to look after the rest of the 118, that by the time he had seen the messages he figured too much time had gone by that it would be too awkward to respond. That Tommy had more than likely given up on him and moved on. Maybe Buck had been wrong.
“And, I don’t know,” Tommy continued, “maybe it’s a little selfish of me, but I needed to see for myself. That you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” Buck replied automatically, and the way Tommy’s eyes roamed over him, he knew his appearance said otherwise. He hadn’t passed a mirror, but he knew what he must look like – dressed in sweats and a baggy t-shirt, his hair mussed and shadows under his eyes from a lack of sleep. He wasn’t exactly the picture of “fine”. Buck shuffled his feet, unable to look away from Tommy’s concerned stare. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Tommy tilted his head and his gaze turned intense in that oh so familiar way. A look that said, I don’t believe you, but I’m here for you anyway.
“Because I know what day it is, Evan. It’s been six months today.”
Buck felt the air leave his lungs. He had been trying so hard not to think about it. He had been trying not to think about it all week to no avail, and when he had tentatively tried broaching the subject with the rest of the 118, he had been shut down. It seemed six months was enough for the rest of the team to move on from the loss of Bobby, but for Buck the wound was still as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. He felt like he was drowning, and no one seemed to care.
Except Tommy had cared. Almost six months of no contact, and he had shown up to make sure that he was okay, when he was well within his rights to pretend that Buck didn’t even exist anymore.
Tommy had shown up. Like he always did for Buck.
Crossing the threshold, Buck stepped forward and slowly wrapped his arms around Tommy and held on tightly. There were no tears, no heaving sobs – just a grateful acceptance of the concern and comfort that Tommy was so willing to give.
Buck buried his face into Tommy’s neck as he felt Tommy’s arms encircle Buck and hold him just as firmly. And for a moment, as the two of them held each other in silence in the open doorway of Buck’s new house, time stood still.
*****
“Here,” Buck said, rounding the couch where Tommy was seated to hand him a mug of coffee. He couldn’t resist the lightest brush of his thumb against Tommy’s own as he accepted the mug, and he hoped Tommy hadn’t noticed. However, Tommy was focused on taking a sip of his coffee, so it appeared he got away with the not so accidental caress.
Sitting down on the couch next to him, Buck angled his body to face Tommy’s, noting that their knees were only inches away from each other. Taking a sip of his own coffee, he watched as Tommy’s eyes wandered, taking in the details of Buck’s new house.
“Nice place,” he said simply.
“Thanks. It took a while to find a new place after I had to leave Eddie’s, but…” Buck frowned. “How did you know where to find me? The last time we saw each other I was still living at Eddie’s.”
“Ravi told me.”
Buck’s eyes widened in surprise. “I didn’t know you two were so close.”
“We’re not,” Tommy clarified, placing his mug down on the coffee table. “I went to the 118 to check on you – I knew you’d be working today. I saw Ravi and he told me you were taking a sick day and then gave me your address.” Tommy smiled wryly. “It worked out well for me that he was the first person I saw – I’m not sure if anyone else would have told me where to find you.”`q1 1`
Buck scoffed. “You know, once I would have told you that you were wrong, but lately…” He shrugged as he trailed off, and Tommy frowned.
“What do you mean?”
Buck waved it off. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing if it’s bothering you Evan. You can talk to me – if you want to.”
Buck looked up into Tommy’s concerned eyes, and he gave him a small smile. “I know I can,” he said softly. He looked down at the coffee he still held in his hands. “Do you remember last year, when Denny got injured and we were waiting for him in the hospital? Do you remember what you said to me?”
Tommy’s eyes grew distant, and Buck watched as he thought back to that day. Eventually he shook his head. “I’m sorry, a lot happened that day and a lot more has happened since then. Care to remind me?”
“You said that it was a good thing, to have a team like that to rally around you, even when things get bad.”
Recognition dawned in his eyes, and Tommy nodded. “Especially when they get bad, is what you told me I believe.”
“Yeah, well… I guess I had more faith in the team than I should have.” Buck turned to put his coffee onto the table to avoid Tommy’s frown.
“What do you mean by that?” he asked. “Evan?” he pressed, when Buck didn’t answer.
“Just that…” Buck paused, taking a deep breath. “The 118 hasn’t been the same since Bobby died. I thought we were a family – turns out Bobby was the one holding this family together.” Buck barked out a harsh laugh. “Or Bobby was the only one who actually wanted me around.”
“I’m sure that’s not true…”
“But it is,” Buck insisted, and he hated the way his voice cracked as he said it. “Half the time… if they’re not in my face, they’re acting like I’m an inconvenience. I- I have been trying to keep Bobby’s memory alive, but no matter what I do… it’s like I’m doing it wrong. Like I should have got past this by now, and they don’t understand why I haven’t.” Buck sighed and slumped back on his couch, resting his head on the back and staring up at the ceiling, his eyes stinging. “Maybe they’re right. Maybe things still shouldn’t be this hard, that I should let it go, let Bobby go.”
Buck heard Tommy exhale loudly through his nose as if he was holding himself back, then felt a warm hand rest on his thigh. Turning his head to look at Tommy, Buck saw sympathy in those deep blue eyes – sympathy, and a spark of anger.
“There is no time limit on grief Evan. You take all the time you need to process, not however long someone dictates you should. Especially when I know how much Bobby meant to you.”
Sitting up, Buck turned to face Tommy, moving carefully enough so as not to encourage Tommy to remove the hand resting on his thigh. He didn’t. “You do?”
“Yeah. “The father you never had,” remember? You didn’t just lose your boss Evan – you lost the man who was the closest thing to a father you’ve ever known.” Tommy glanced down briefly, before meeting Buck’s eyes once again. “I uh, I never told you this, but I saw you – at the lab,” Tommy clarified when he saw Buck’s confusion. “Through the monitors – I saw you collapse after you said goodbye to Bobby. I saw the pain you were in. That kind of grief – it’s not something you move past quickly.”
Buck felt Tommy gave his leg a short, gentle squeeze. “Don’t let anyone tell you that what you’re feeling is wrong, Evan. Anyone. You’re allowed to mourn Bobby and in your own time. And if…” Tommy’s eyes flickered down, and Buck could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “If you ever feel like you’re alone, that you have no one to talk to… you do, okay? No matter what, you can always talk to me, okay? I’ll always listen.”
It felt like a small weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Not much – Bobby’s loss still weighed heavily on Buck. But knowing that there was someone out there who cared about Buck – truly cared, not only when it was the most convenient – made him feel a little lighter. Covering Tommy’s hand still on his thigh with his own, Buck leaned over and rested his head on Tommy’s shoulder, and seconds later he felt Tommy’s cheek rest against his still sleep-ruffled curls.
They sat in silence. Although Buck had been craving someone to talk to for months, now that he had someone, he found that at this moment, words weren’t needed. They could talk later. For now, the comfort of Tommy’s steady presence was enough. Knowing that Tommy was in his corner, after feeling increasingly isolated as the months dragged by after Bobby’s death, was a soothing balm for his soul.
So, they sat in silence. And for the first time in a long time for Buck, that silence wasn’t deafening.
It was peaceful.