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For the third time that evening, Goro excused himself from the table. Each swift exit grew clumsier the sicker he felt, and by that fateful third, he was already covering his mouth before he’d even turned away. He nearly collided with the waiter holding their dishes, to which they cursed at his “utter lack of spatial awareness!”
The far-left stall became a temporary solace as he retched into the bowl, relieved to be the only one in there. Blue and white petals stained with blood and bile poured from his lips, their roots wrapped around his lungs. Laboring breaths caused them to constrict further, leaving him clawing frantically at the metal walls, desperate for air. When the retching stopped, the pain persisted. His stomach burned, and he knew exactly who lit the match.
Kitagawa Yusuke.
Oh, how he wanted to hate that girl for putting him through this constant torture, but none of it was her fault. Despite every atrocity he’d committed, forcing himself to hate her, or for her to hate him, might just be the greatest sin imaginable. Even so, Goro considered ways to betray her trust more often than he’d care to admit. A selfish monster until the bitter end.
The alternative to hate was to stop loving her entirely. While it seemed like the obvious solution, there was still something holding him back. He’d hurt so many people, ended so many lives and permanently altered countless more. He didn’t deserve the easy way out.
Akechi Goro was in love, and he shouldn’t feel good about it. Yusuke was in love, too, but not with him. So he’d cough and retch as long as it took to bring him down, but with his track record, he couldn’t count on death coming soon enough.
He returned to the table with cotton in his head and thumbtacks in his shoes. They might as well take him out back like a sick dog and shoot him now.
“Uhhh, you good, Goro…?” Sakamoto asked, watching him white-knuckle his salad fork.
Stop calling me that. Only she’s allowed to call me that. “Just- just feeling a little under the weather. Don’t worry, I’ll be alright.”
“You have blood on your collar.”
However Sakamoto intended to respond to his lame excuse fell short as he followed Yusuke’s finger. Of course she was the first to notice. An artist’s eye could see right through to his flaws before he even knew they were there. She’d claim these flaws were “beautiful”, that he was beautiful, but Goro always had trouble believing that.
“Answer me, Goro: why is there blood on your collar?” He usually loved it when she said his name, but not now. Not like this.
“Bloody nose,” he replied with a shrug. “You know how common they are this time of year. Honestly, you’ve no need for concern.”
“Three bloody noses…?” Sakamoto said incredulously. “One after another? Maybe you should see someone ‘bout that.”
“Maybe I already am.” He hadn’t told anyone about his condition.
“You’re lying.” Yusuke narrowed those keen artist eyes, and the roots squeezed tighter. “Did you not promise to come to me when you’re in pain? Because you’re clearly in pain.”
Sakamoto instinctively placed his hand over hers, expression shifting to one of concern, and Goro’s blood boiled. Stop touching her. You’re already on her side of the table. You’ve already made a home in her heart. The least you can do is stop proving with every. Goddamn. Gesture that you’re more deserving of her than I’ll ever be.
Goro pulled weakly on the roots. “Sounding rather entitled, don’t you think? Not every problem requires you to fix it.” He could feel another wave coming on. “But you- you need to fix things, right? You need to feel useful. Well, let me tell you now that what you really need is—”
One moment, he was seated at the table; the next, he was on the floor, barely able to breathe. The nemophilas came first, as they usually did. What was once a comforting sight, a gift of soft blue petals on her birthday, now filled his throat until his face turned a similar shade. Then, more painful than the last, came the lilies of the valley. Poison polluted his bloodstream, acting as a final warning to seek help, acceptance, or closure before the end.
Yusuke was yelling. At him, he hoped. He’d ruined what should’ve been a peaceful night out, a celebration of her acceptance into a gallery she’d recently applied to. She couldn’t boast her accomplishments or treat herself to another slice of cake, because Goro had to go and ruin things again. That’s what set him apart from Sakamoto: he shared the spotlight with her, while Goro turned it away and shattered the bulb.
“…Goro…!”
Huh?
“Goro!”
She carefully lifted his head, and he hurled flowers all over her freshly pressed suit. Yusuke looked at him, then at the flowers, then back at him, and he knew. He knew that she knew. “Goro… This is…”
Sakamoto spoke frantically on the phone with emergency services, darting back across the restaurant to place a trash bin in front of him. Goro regretted ever underestimating that boy. He was a great friend; far greater than him.
As Goro emptied his lungs (and stomach) into the bin, Yusuke sat beside him, rubbing comforting circles onto his back. “It’s okay, I’m here. You’re going to be okay.”
How could he possibly tell her he wouldn’t be?
“I—” he paused, before realizing nothing else was coming up, “—I’m sorry I ruined your dinner. I should’ve just stayed home.”
“Forget about the dinner. You’re unwell, and- and I think I understand why.”
He tried to laugh, and choked on a stray petal. “I-I’m that obvious, aren’t I…?”
“How long have you been suffering in silence, Goro? Answer me honestly this time.”
“About a month, I believe.” Though he’d felt a different type of pain for well over a year. In retrospect, he really should’ve predicted that it was always going to end like this.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because…” The anguish in her eyes was impossible to look at without feeling sick again, so he turned away. “Because I knew it would break your heart. I’ve accepted that I’m doomed to fail; in everything I do, in everyone I make the foolish decision of getting close to. Nothing good ever comes from having desires that don’t deserve to be fulfilled.”
Goro packed an entire desk drawer with drafts he’d never send. Apologies he’d never give in person… until today, that is. He thought he had more time, but in the event that he didn’t, there was something important she needed to hear. “You can’t help me, and… and I can’t stop myself from loving you. Please, don’t blame yourself.”
“You… love me…?”
He could only nod.
Yusuke went silent for a moment, clearly mulling over her response. It’s okay, he thought. You don’t have to let me down gently. I already know.
At last, she spoke. “You deserve to be happy. Though you may not agree, it’s the truth. You deserve to get older, to heal, to experience the youth you were previously denied.” She continued rubbing his back. “Becoming your friend is, undoubtedly, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. May I see your beautiful face?” Goro’s heart pounded against the roots that had begun forming around it as well, and he reluctantly obliged. “There you are. Now, when I say that I love you, too, it is, without zero regrets or hesitations, the absolute truth.”
Goro’s stomach, his lungs, his heart burned and constricted more than they ever had, and he briefly feared that this was it, that she’d lied to save his life and it didn’t work.
“Goro!? I apologize, I made things worse, I—”
He threw up the roots. A long, tangled system topped with the few flowers that remained. Then, and only then, could Goro finally breathe again. Though he was likely on the verge of collapse, he felt damn near euphoric.
There was no need to hide anymore. He loved her. He loved her so much.
Sirens approached the building. Before Sakamoto could greet the paramedics, he had an important question to ask, one that stopped him from getting too excited. “If Yusuke loves me, then what about you…?” He hoped his exhaustion didn’t translate into condescension. Goro wanted no part in a relationship formed on the grave of another.
“Y’know, it’s funny you say that- not like, funny funny, but…” Sakamoto knelt down. “We were actually plannin’ on openin’ our relationship to you tonight.”
Goro doubled over from sheer shock alone. “What…!?” He braced himself against the hardwood floors, and Sakamoto took that as his sign to leave. “You… you two are impossible.”
“I love you~” Yusuke repeated.
“I love you, too. But just so you’re not surprised when it happens, I’m about two seconds away from passing out,” Goro said, then did exactly that.