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Jamil hated Kalim's laugh.
Everything about it, from the shrill sound he made when he laughed to the plastic shape of the heir's mouth, deeply irritated Jamil.
It wasn't always like that, he knew. There was a time, years ago, when Jamil allowed himself to laugh with Kalim when they were children, almost as if they were equals, almost as if they were friends.
But the weight of his position was always there, lurking in the corner, and as he grew up, he saw the light of Kalim's laughter shine brighter and brighter, while his own faded away, becoming a polite shadow for adults and nothing more.
Kalim didn't seem to care, he never seemed to care about anything, the idiot.
Jamil would bet everything that the white-haired boy simply didn't understand why Jamil wasn't all smiles and cheerful laughter so they could jump around together.
And contrary to what Jamil expected, Kalim didn't smile any less after... Jamil's incident.
And that pissed Jamil off deeply.
It wasn't fair, even now that he himself had deliberately replaced polite fake smiles with explicit frowns of disappointment and audible sighs, Kalim seemed annoyingly oblivious, as always.
He still smiled and laughed at the usual excuses, “Let's have a party!” or “Oops, I forgot about the housewardens' meeting, thanks for reminding me, Jamil!”
Absolutely frustrating.
It seemed that Jamil was the only one who had suffered, who had changed.
The only one who really cared. He had tried to kill Kalim, for crying out loud, how could the boy still smile around him and blindly trust everything Jamil said?
Well, Jamil should probably be grateful for that. Thanks to Kalim not reacting like a normal human being and requesting a restraining order, and the fact that Crowley was effectively trying to cover up the overblot cases at school, their parents never found out, so he and his family still had a place close to the Al-Asim.
That didn't change the fact that Jamil hated Kalim's laugh. It was almost like a big symbol that Jamil's joy was eternally vetoed in favor of Kalim's joy.
At certain moments, he felt an uncontrollable urge to physically wipe the smile off the other boy's face by any means necessary.
Even now, standing in Kalim's overly ornate bedroom after school while organizing things for the next day, Jamil could barely contain the resentment that had lingered in his mind all day today, for no apparent reason.
He felt unresolved remorse, even though he had shouted relentless insults at Kalim during and after his overblot, Jamil still felt the anger consuming him.
If at least Kalim was mad at him back, they could yell at each other until the weight on Jamil's chest was relieved, but the stupid boy wasn't even good for that. He just acted normally, as if absolutely nothing had happened.
Well, maybe he was a little different, Jamil noticed at times, Kalim seemed to hesitate for a moment before asking for help sometimes, and on some occasions he seemed to try really hard.
A pathetic effort, really. The boy was incapable of doing anything, because Jamil and other servants always did everything for him.
It wasn't fair that only he was resentful.
It wasn't fair that Kalim kept smiling.
It wasn't fair that the more he thought about it, the more painfully clear it became how childish he had been, and still was, in blaming Kalim for a structural problem of an entire nation, something that went far beyond the two teenagers who were victims of these rules imposed on them at birth.
The awareness of this fact lingered in Jamil's mind, but he stubbornly refused to think about it any further. It was much more practical to have someone to hate, someone weaker to blame. Kalim was as much a part of the problem as any other Al-Asim, and he was near and defenseless.
The small and oblivious heir was the perfect target for his pent-up anger, and even after releasing much of it and honestly feeling better now, Jamil still felt he could take out his frustrations on Kalim.
“Haha, you worry too much, Jamil!”
The vice monitor's eye twitched as he replied, “You worry too little. I need to do this for both of us.”
And it wasn't as if Kalim was a normal, carefree teenager and Jamil was his reluctant, more practical friend.
Kalim was the fucking Al-Asim heir, and Jamil was his servant, assigned to him to protect and accompany him from the beginning, forever.
And the boy didn't wipe that bright smile off his face, his eyes closed peacefully as if Jamil were not a threat.
Well, he wasn’t. Not now. But he had been less than a month ago, how could Kalim be so obtusely naive?
“But everything’s fine now, Jamil! I did all my homework, and I didn’t schedule any banquets for this weekend like you told me to!” Kalim’s white teeth irritated Jamil.
“Great, congratulations on doing the bare minimum, Kalim. Now, did you fill out the semester documentation for Scarabia?”
Kalim blinked in confusion, but his smile didn’t falter.
Jamil sighed. “You know, the one they handed out at the last dorm leaders’ meeting? The paperwork you need to deliver to Crowley tomorrow?”
Kalim’s eyes widened comically. “Ah, man! I totally forgot!” He started running around the room, looking for where the papers might be.
Jamil took a deep breath. “Here. It’s all done. I just need you to sign it.” Jamil pulled the neatly folded, carefully filled-out papers from his own bag and handed them to Kalim.
“Awwwww, thanks, Jamil, you’re the best!” Kalim ran over to throw himself onto Jamil, nearly crumpling the papers in the process. “I’m so sorry! I promise next time I’ll—”
“Eh, cut it out.”
“But I mean it! You’re amazing, Jamil!” That awful smile returned, and Jamil felt that wave of anger wash over him again. “I don’t know what I’d do without yo—”
“Stop smiling.”
Jamil clenched his fist, trying to think clearly, but something about the exhausting week mixed with the resentment from the past month, all that time spent wondering why the hell Kalim still idolized him, snapped.
“…Sorry, what?”
“STOP SMILING.”
Jamil impulsively lunged at Kalim, shoving the smaller boy against the wall. Kalim hit his back with a thud, his red eyes widening and a flash of fear crossing his shocked expression.
Good. Jamil thought as he pinned him harder against the wall. He should be afraid. I’m dangerous to him.
“Jamil…?” Kalim, who didn’t seem to have an ounce of self-preservation in his whole body, managed a weak smile. “Are you okay? Did something happen today?”
The vice dorm leader tightened his grip, forcing the smile off Kalim’s lips.
“Why? Why are you always smiling like an idiot? What’s so wonderful about life? Oh, wait, I know! You don’t have any worries! You don’t have to think about anything, or make an effort for anything, everything you want just arrives to you on a golden platter served by me, doesn’t it?”
“Jamil…”
“You wanna know if something happened today? Yeah, it did! What happened is that I can’t stand that stupid smile on your stupid face anymore!”
“Jamil, I—”
“What? You want something else from me? Isn’t it enough everything I’ve already had to sacrifice just so you can smile around carefree?” With every poison word, Jamil made sure to press the smaller boy harder against the wall. “At least you could be kind enough not to shove your happiness in my face every day.”
“No! Wait…” Kalim tried to stammer something incoherent to Jamil.
“What?” Jamil should have turned around and left, he’d vented enough, but his body refused to release Kalim from his rough hold.
“There’s… there’s something I really want, but you never give it to me, even when I ask.”
Jamil froze, confused.
“I really wanted to be your friend, Jamil.”
“You can’t seriously be saying that crap. What’s wrong with you?”
“I am! I… really… Haha…”
Jamil growled, “Seriously, what’s your problem? We’re not friends, and we never will be. I’ve always been and always will be just a servant, don’t you get that?”
“I… I know, and I don’t like that either, but I…” Kalim began trembling in Jamil’s arms, his words becoming disconnected and stammered. “I’m fine, we’re fine, and everything’s really okay.” Kalim forced a smile, but this time Jamil noticed how fake and strained it looked. “I believe smiling makes people happy, and I’m happy if everyone’s happy!”
What the hell was this idiot talking about?
“But Jamil is different. You never smile back at me, not since we were little. And I knew something had changed. Deep down, maybe I always knew you didn’t really like me, but it hurts, you know? You’ve always been my best friend, but I guess it was one-sided all this time.”
Jamil watched, stunned, as tears began streaming down Kalim’s face.
Wait, what?
“I… I… I always tried to smile to attract smiles, happiness brings happiness, right? And I hoped that even if you didn’t smile back, you’d still feel a little happy seeing me smile? …Wow… saying it out loud sounds totally stupid, huh? But I guess I really am an idiot. You said that a lot this past month, and you’re always right, so it must be true.”
No, none of that could be true, because that would make it much harder to keep blindly hating him.
Just stop talking.
“I… I’m really sorry, Jamil…” Kalim’s voice broke completely now, his sobs audible as he clutched at Jamil’s clothes like a child. “I’m trying, really trying so hard not to depend on you for everything… I want you to be happy.”
He looked up at Jamil with those tear-bright crimson eyes.
Please, shut up
“I just want you to be happy, but… you’re not happy with me. But I… I can’t live without you.”
Jamil finally remembered to let go. His hands fell to his sides as he stumbled a step back, trembling. He stared in complete shock as Kalim — the ever-smiling, ever-sunny prefect of Scarabia — slid down the wall to the floor, burying his face in his hands and breaking down into full, shaking sobs.
Kalim wasn’t laughing.
And Jamil couldn’t understand why he wasn’t happy about that. Wasn’t that what he wanted?
He’d wanted to wipe the smile off Kalim’s face, and he had.
He’d wanted Kalim to suffer under the weight of their situation, and he was.
He’d wanted Kalim to finally care about something, and he did.
So why did Jamil feel that strange heat building in his nose, that prickling pressure in his chest, like he was the one about to cry?
Seconds dragged by in the room, the silence broken only by Kalim’s muffled sobs. Jamil had seen Kalim cry before, they’d known each other since birth, after all, but… this was different.
This was the first time Kalim looked crushed by something real. These weren’t tears over a sad movie or a small mistake. These were tears of despair, of fear, of pain, the kind that comes when you realize you’re helpless in a terrible, irreversible situation.
I should be the one crying.
The thought came and went so quickly Jamil almost missed it. He felt his anger draining away, all that venomous energy fading from his mind.
Then, against all logic, Jamil found himself moving closer again, kneeling in front of his young master. He took Kalim’s hands, still pressed against his face, and gently pulled them away, looking into his eyes.
Kalim didn’t flinch as Jamil wiped away his tears with his fingers, smudging the already ruined makeup even more. The only murmurs from the boy were incoherent apologies.
“I…” Jamil began, unsure of what he was going to say, but let the words come anyway. “I’m not sure I could live without you either.” He startled at his own realization.
For better or worse, they had been part of each other’s lives since birth, bound by a connection deeper than friendship, love, or hatred. They needed each other, somehow. Both had developed this codependence.
Jamil dreamed of living his own life, free from his servitude, he dreamed of traveling, seeing the world and that hadn’t changed. But now, in this confusing moment after hearing what seemed like the most honest confession Kalim had ever made, he found space for a deeper understanding of himself. A line of thought he had never allowed himself before, but now couldn’t ignore.
“Even if I wanted to — and believe me, I do — I don’t think I could ever really move on and leave you behind.”
Admitting it hurt more than Jamil was prepared for.
Kalim listened, still sniffling, as Jamil continued. “It’s not your fault. We were just born the way we were, and now we have to live with it. You can’t do simple things like others can because of me, because I always did everything for you, and you never had the chance to learn… I never let you, because if you knew how to do everything yourself, you wouldn’t need me anymore.”
Another simple truth Jamil had always known deep down, but now that he said it aloud, it felt painfully obvious.
Kalim mumbled something Jamil couldn’t catch before bursting into loud sobs again, burying his runny face into Jamil’s shoulder.
Jamil rubbed Kalim’s back, trying to put his thoughts in order.
What was that? Why was he comforting Kalim when he was the one who had been angry in the first place?
Jamil realized, uneasily, that he didn’t feel any urge to leave and let Kalim deal with his feelings alone.
As the minutes passed and Kalim’s sobs slowly subsided, Jamil went through mental lists, trying to make sense of it all. He knew his emotions had been unstable since the overblot, he’d vented about many things, but not everything, and not the way he wanted, mostly because Kalim had completely ignored all his silent pleas for a real talk, or even a real fight, with both of their feelings on the table, not just Jamil’s.
He had no idea about everything Kalim had just said. Sure, he might’ve imagined a few things, but never could he have dreamed Kalim had that much emotional depth. Why the hell hadn’t he ever said any of this before?
Jamil felt another wave of anger, but this one was less violent, more… resentful, hurt? Did Kalim not really trust him enough to share his insecurities? That was ridiculous, Kalim always told Jamil everything! Jamil was always there whenever anything good or bad happened, and Kalim wanted to talk about it for hours.
But thinking back… how many times had Kalim ever talked to Jamil about something negative, something truly painful?
Jamil made a mental note to dig deeper into that later, but for now, Kalim had gone quiet for a few moments, and Jamil felt like he should say something.
Before he could, Kalim took a deep breath and shook his head.
“Ah… That was kind of intense, huh? Sorry, Jamil!” Jamil could hear the shaky smile in Kalim’s voice, but couldn’t see his eyes. “Let’s just drop it, everything’s fine now! I hope you’re feeling better too… Oh, if you wanna yell at me a bit more, you can! Anything to make you feel better! How about a feast? Oh wait, maybe we could go to the Mostro Lounge so you don’t have to cook?”
Jamil grimaced.
“Ugh, purposely go see those fishes? No, thanks. I’d rather cook.”
“Hmm, okay! Then how about something simple so it’s not too much work? Or curry!”
“You hate curry.”
“But you love it!”
Wait, they were avoiding the subject.
“Kalim.”
They were still kneeling on the floor, and the Scarabia leader looked everywhere except at Jamil’s eyes. He seemed restless, his hands twisting the dorm uniform fabric, his eyelids trembling slightly.
“Look at me.”
Kalim obeyed instantly. Somewhere in Jamil’s mind, he worried Kalim might start avoiding his gaze because of what happened, but one simple request was enough for the boy to open his tear-bright red eyes and meet Jamil’s as if he needed that to breathe.
“What you said earlier… is it true?”
“I really want us to be friends. I want to deserve to be your friend!” Kalim spoke with determination.
“That part I know,” Jamil huffed. “I mean about… our situation being hard for you too, and about you smiling just to make others happy.”
“Ah… haha… Eh…” Kalim looked unsure what expression to make but ended up with a weak smile. “I really didn’t know how hard everything was for you, Jamil… I… I thought that even with your family’s position, you still had fun and liked being with me as… a friend.”
Jamil said nothing, letting him continue.
“I… I should’ve realized sooner. I should’ve told you the truth when you woke up from the overblot. But I was just so, so happy you were still alive! That meant I still had a chance to fix things, and… I’m sorry, Jamil.” The boy looked miserable, and somehow, that calmed Jamil’s heart.
“It’s my fault too,” Jamil sighed. “I assumed you didn’t care and let my anger get the best of me… and I… I don’t hate you.” He muttered the last part, but Kalim still heard it.
“YOU DON’T??? OH THAT’S GREAT, JAMIL!” Kalim practically tackled Jamil, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. “I don’t hate you either! I adore you, Jamil! I’ll do everything I can to make you like me too and to be real best friends!”
Jamil didn’t have to worry about hiding the redness spreading over his cheeks, since Kalim was firmly hugging him and wouldn’t notice anyway.
“Alright, alright, come here, let’s clean your face,” Jamil said, standing up and pulling Kalim along toward the vanity, where he slowly began their nightly routine, trying to bring things back to some kind of normal
He took off Kalim’s headband, removed his makeup, and helped the heir change into his pajamas. Kalim seemed no different from usual, chattering nonstop about random things without focus.
“Are you sure you don’t want to have dinner in the hall?”
“Yeah! I think we should grab something and eat here in the room, and… maybe you could sleep here tonight? Like when we were little… If you want to, of course!!”
Jamil sighed, though this time with a hint of amusement.
“Sure. I’ll get some food from the kitchen, stop by my room, and come back here.”
“Yay!!! I’ll pick a movie for us to watch and…Hey… you smiled!” He said, pointing with a gleeful gasp.
“I did not.”
“You did! I saw it!”
“Must be your imagination, Kalim.”
“It wasn’t!”
Jamil sighed, rubbing his temple. “You’re impossible.”
“And you’re the best, Jamil!”
Jamil left Kalim’s room and took a deep breath. They still had a lot to talk about, tonight’s argument had only scratched the surface of something much deeper, with more nuances than Jamil could count. Something like that couldn’t be fixed in one night.
But…
Jamil smiled to himself.
If Kalim truly cared, then they’d be able to talk things through. And even if it never turned out perfect, there was a strange hope growing in Jamil’s chest, something whispering that maybe he wasn’t as alone in his fate as he’d always felt.