Chapter Text
It's been already weeks since he physically left the house. Modern life made it too easy to stay depressed at home. There was no reason to leave the house or interact with people, why would he then? The food and groceries got delivered to his front door and really, what other reason was there to leave the house?
Sitting on the floor next to the couch, in his oversized hoodie. The hood disguising the greasy hair, that hadn't been washed in a while. Why would he? It's not like anyone would see him anyway. The cuffs covering his cold fingers, frayed at the edges from Jisung nervous habit to play with it.
His eyes were empty, gazing into the empty nothingness before him. There was a deep, dark hole inside that wanted to swallow him whole and if he was honest, there was not much power left inside him to fight against it. What for?
He wrapped his arms around his knees, making himself as small as possible. No need to take up any more space in this world than necessary. He was already too much anyway. Too big of a burden on others.
It's not that he was alone, he did have friends that cared about him, wanted him better. But they were not around. They were busy with their own lives and struggles.
He couldn't ask them for more. They weren't responsible for him. They cared, but he wasn't their priority. He was no ones priority.
His head fell heavy against his knees. Even smaller.
Part of him really wanted to cry, let it all out, but there was nothing left.
With a rush that was not necessary his chest started to raise and fall. Faster and faster.
"I just don't want to be alone anymore", he cried out. Desperately and so sad.
Angry he threw a cushion next to him against the wall. With a soft thud it just fell on the floor as if nothing happened. Accusatory he glared at the cushion, personally offended by the little impact that throw just had on... Anything. Just like his existence. Maybe not harmful, but also not meaningful. Just there, a quite echo in a world that doesn't give a single fuck.
In his mind he got up, put the cushion back on the sofa, went into the kitchen and made himself something to eat. After that he even went for a walk, just because he could.
But the truth was, that he couldn't. It didn't really happen, even though it sounded so easy to do. He used to be able to do it, he used to be able to do a whole lot more. But not now, not anymore.
Every muscle in his body was so heavy that felt like he must be weighing as much as an elephant. But last time he caught a glimpse of his body in the mirror, he couldn't help but stare at the visible ribs showing his desperate need for food. He did eat, but it took so much energy to make something and it almost took an equal amount of energy to order food and prepare himself for having to interact with the person handing it to him.
The sun lit up the room in a warm yellow, peeking through the clouds, moking Jisung for his inability of living.
He laid down on the floor, turned into a puddle of incapability. Almost without noticing it, he dug his fingernails into his skin, yearning to feel anything but emptiness.
In his dreams he wasn't alone. In his dreams somebody was with him, loving him, helping him. He wished for nothing more, but this dream to come true. It wasn't perfection he was craving, he just needed someone to care enough to actually be there. Hold him. Guide him. Every step of the way.
But dreams are dreams and reality is... Cruel.
Taking several deep breaths he tried to prepare himself for bring the trash out. This wasn't a big task and he could do it and he really needed to. The mold was growing and it got to an embarrassingly disgusting point. The bag was already in his hand, heavy and damp and waiting to be anywhere except this depressed apartment.
Before he could reconsider, he opened the door, clutching his keys and practically ran down the stairs, praying that no one would see him. Shame about his appearance made him almost sprint out the front door, down the driveway to the bins.
One part of his brain cheered him on, while the other stomped on him for being such a loser.
Quickly he lifted the lid, threw the trash inside. Scanning the surrounding if someone saw him. If someone was judging him. If there was someone he needed to avoid even more now, cause he couldn't bare the knowledge that someone saw him like this. Disgusting, dirty and a total mess.
Just when we wanted to turn around and run back inside, into safety, he heard a noise he wasn't expecting. He froze up and listened.
There it was again.
A quiet and heartbreaking meow reached his ears and then he saw it. A tiny kitten was trapped behind the bins. Without another thought he moved the bin aside and squatted down. Holding out his hand for it to smell him, he whispered, "Who are you?". A little shaken and scared the kitten held its nose against Jisungs finger, apparently determining him as no thread.
"Where are your parents?", Jisung asked with a genuine tone of concern in his voice. He doesn't know a whole lot about cats, but this one didn't look like it belonged here.
Rubbing its face against his hand, Jisungs heart melted immediately, "But what do I do with you?".
As if it understood Jisungs struggle and wanted to tell him to take care of it, the little ball of fur snuggled even closer to the human, almost planting itself in Jisungs hand. A soft "Ohww" left Jisungs lips. There was no way he'd leave this tiny being out here in the cold.
With that little kitten on his arm he closed the door behind him and just stood there for a moment, not sure what to do next. Was he even allowed to take that kitten upstairs with him? But that kitten didn't look like it ran away from home, rather that it never really had a home.
He sat down at him computer, carefully placing the fur-ball on his lap, "I am sorry, sweetie, I don't know what to do with you", he whispered. The kitten looked up and him and let out a soft meow, on the contrary to Jisung, that little guy looked totally at peace.
"I'll figure out what to do with you, OK?".
After some extend of research Jisung came to realisation that he wouldn't be able to figure this thing out by himself. He had barely any knowledge about cats, let alone kittens and he couldn't even confidently tell its gender or age. Did that little guy still needed to be bottle fed or was it already old enough to eat proper food?
Overwhelmed he buried his face in his hands, mumbling down to the kitten, "I'm sorry… I will get you the help you need!". The realisation that he really needed to leave the house creeped up on him.
"You probably like me because I smell just as bad as the bins outside, hm?". before going out and finding a place where that little baby belonged, Jisung needed to take a shower, "Look what you make me do!". Carefully he lifted the kitten up again and walked over to the bathroom.
"Can I just… leave you on the floor?", he looked around and came to the conclusion that the cold bathroom tiles were probably no place to put down a baby cat. Seeing how peaceful it was snuggled against his hoodie, a smile appeared on his face, "You really like this hoodie, don't you? You have great taste, you know? It's my favourite band on it…", he paused, "OK, yeah! Wait a second, OK? I'll put you down just a second and then you can have your hoodie back, OK?". He placed the kitten on the bath-mat and quickly undressed his hoodie, wrapping the kitten up in it again.
A little confused the cat looked up at him, but it stayed where it was, "You must be really exhausted", Jisung concluded. Before he completely undressed to take that desperately needed shower he moved the kitten around, so he wouldn't unnecessary traumatise it any further, "Really… no need to watch", he mumbled.
Freshly showered and in a clean hoodie and trousers Jisung almost felt like a new human. The kitten stayed wrapped up in his old hoodie and he carried it underneath his winter jacket on the way to the bus to get to the nearest cat shelter. The fact that this little fur-ball stayed this calm worried him a lot, so much so, that he didn't even think twice about using the bus. He needed to do this and suddenly… he was able to actually do it.
In front of the shelter he stopped and looked at the sleeping kitten inside his coat, wrapped up in his hoodie. "They'll help you", he whispered.
He could feel the anxiety creeping up behind him, ready to overtake him, ready to pull him down. But before he could give in and second guess everything, running back home to hide from the world again, he took one last deep breath and stepped inside.
The guy behind the counter looked up and just raised an eyebrow when he saw Jisung walk in with a big belly. Just for a millisecond Jisung stopped in his tracks and was taken aback by the sheer beauty of this man. This guy didn't look like he belonged here at all. If he couldn't smell and hear the presence of a lot of animals in the immediate area he would have questioned if he opened the correct door.
"Ehhh… is this… is this the cat shelter?", Jisung asked non the less, stepping closer.
That man pointed at the big sign saying "Cat shelter" behind him as an answer without any expressions on his face.
Great, first human interaction outside his home in weeks and he already looked like an idiot. "Yeah, I… OK, yeah good!", he stumbled. "I… I have a kitten", he said, opening up his jacket to show him the little fur-ball.
"And here I was thinking you were Santa", he man replied while standing up. When Jisung just looked at him with a puzzled look on his face, the man clarified, "Because of the big belly… You were carrying the Kitten underneath the… ahh, never mind", he made a throwaway gesture, "How can I help you?".
"I have a kitten", Jisung said again.
The man suppressed a giggle and tilted his head, "I am aware".
Jisung stumbled, "Oh, yes! of course! So… eh… I found him… or her… I am actually not sure what it is… I found him or her in front of my house and… I think it needs help? I don't know a lot about cats, but it looks so small and… sad". With big eyes he looked down at the bundle inside his jacket, "I… wanted to help, but… I… ehh… don't really know anything about cats…".
"Sadly that happens more often than you'd think", the man replied, "Can I take a look?".
"YES!", Jisung almost shouted, shaking from anxiety. This took a toll on him and all he wanted to do was run away. Run away from this conversation. From this beautiful man eyeing him up and down as if he was trying to figure something out. From this responsibility. But he stayed, because this little baby needed him right now.
He fully opened up his jacket and passed the bundle over to the employee. Once the man took over his hoodie with the kitten inside, embarrassment flooded him. Would that man be able to tell that he was wearing that hoodie for almost a week straight?
Nervous he dug his fingernails into the palm of his hands, hiding them in his pockets.
After checking the kitten out properly in a closed off room, the man determined the cat to be female and besides being seemingly a little thin in good condition. A sigh of relieve left Jisungs body.
"You only need to take her to the vet and get her vaccinated and properly checked out".
"Oh", Jisung let out, "No, I can't… I…". More nervous than before he started to play with the cuffs of his hoodie, "I can't take care of her". He took a step back, almost tripping on a transport box. He whispered, almost inaudible, "I can't even take care of myself".
The man lifted up the kitten with practised hands and walked over to a fridge and started preparing a bottle for the kitten, while eyeing Jisung every now a then, "I see… I thought you were coming here for help and not to abandon her".
Jisung gasped. He hadn't expected to be judged this openly. "No… It's not like I don't want to…".
"But you don't have time… yeah, it's always like that, don't worry. She's still little and very cute… hopefully we'll be able to place her with someone quickly".
Jisung scratched his head, "No… it's not like that… I kinda do have the time… b-but…". His eyes started to well up and even though he tried to stop it from happening, a tear escaped and rolled down his face. Just before he could wipe it away the man turned around and look at him.
Instead of curling himself into a tiny ball like everything in his body told him to do, Jisung just stared back at the man before him. He had no idea why or what just happened. But something in the eyes of the other made him lose his shred of control he was holding on to. Another tear silently followed the previous.
With a husky voice Jisung mumbled, "I want to, but I don't know how". The man came closer and after a little hesitation he held out the bundle in his arm for Jisung to grab, "I think you maybe need her more than she needs you".
Wrapping his arms around the little kitten a little sniff escaped Jisungs nose and he buried his face in the bundle inside his arms. Did he need her? But how should he take care of her? But also… he lifted his head and look into her blinking eyes, how should he leave her behind.
"I can't…".
A hand reached out for him and softly landed on his forearm. This should be more uncomfortable than it was. He was crying in the presence of a stranger and said stranger was touching his arm, but instead of feeling the urge to run away, he felt… safe. This made no sense.
"I can't even take care of myself, OK? Is that what you wanted to hear? I don't leave the house. I forget to eat because I have nothing at home and I simply can't bring up the energy to go out and buy something. On some days I wish I wouldn't exist. I'm disgusting, I don't shower, I- I am not in a position to take care of a baby cat. I can't!".
He should just give the kitten back to him, say goodbye and leave. Get back to being alone and depressed. He wasn't equipped to take care of a kitten. It was a huge responsibility and he didn't want to be responsible for making this baby suffer any more than it already has. But on the other hand… Who knew when she'd find a new family and if they would actually love her and treat her with respect.
They stood like this for a while, both trapped in their own thoughts. Both struggling to say what they were thinking. But then the other said something Jisung hadn't expected, "I can help you".
Surprised Jisung looked up, "What?". With his big, round eyes he looked at the other he didn't even know the name of. This had to be a joke. But he didn't look like he was joking. He looked sincere and for some not explanatory reason he felt a certain trust and pull towards that person before him.
The other pulled his hand back and stepped backwards, "I could help you figure things out".
"Why?".
"Because… I don't know man, you look like you could use some help", he replied.
Jisung stumbled. "I… I look like I need help?".
"With the kitten", he added quickly, feathering his hand through his hair as if he was… nervous? Did Jisung make him nervous? He had no idea about how these things usually work, but he started to feel like this wasn't the normal way.
"I don't know you", Jisung replied.
"Right. Yes", the man walked around the table in the middle of the room, seemingly fighting an inner battle. "OK", he walked back up to Jisung, "I'm Minho. Lee Minho. And I work in this cat shelter and I want to help you to take care of this kitten", he held out his hand, but Jisung was too stunned to move in any way. He was serious about this.
Minho.
He liked that name, it suited him. Lee Minho.
With a crocket smile Minho put his abandoned hand back in his pocket and mustered Jisung challenging.
This man was definetely insane. Insane, but also very cute.
"I… but how… when… h-how?".
Minho leaned against he table and his smile got a little bigger, as if he knew he just won a battle, "Well, first things first, what's your name?".
Right. "Han", he answered too quick.
"Like the River?".
"Well… yes… Han Jisung, though".
Three hours and two panic attacks later was Jisung sitting at home by the window scanning the street for one specific face. He couldn't believe himself that he was doing this. This was insane and also not really smart. Who gave a stranger his home address after deciding on the spot for no particular reason at all to take take of a little kitten together?
Apparently he did.
But what was the worst that could happen? Yes, Minho could turn out to be a serial killer and take Jisungs life, but in that case he just hoped that he did it quickly. Wasn't like he hadn't thought about doing it himself. He didn't really want to die, but sometimes life was just too hard to live and in those moments death sounded more peaceful than living. And if he turned out to be dead tomorrow he'd at least know, that on his last day of living he actually did something, took a risk. The wrong risk, but still. Better than slowly turning into a vegetable by just sitting at home, questioning life and staring at the monitor of his computer.
On the way back from the cat shelter Jisung felt a weird combination of nervous excitement and crippling anxiety. They decided that Minho would take the kitten to the vet after his shift ended, since he had good connections and also because Jisung looked as if he was about to collapse. Furthermore Minho had offered to bring the most important things for the first few days with him as well.
The only task Jisung was given, was surviving till the end of the day and kitten-proofing his home. And he did this to the best of his abilities.
His mood swings were making him more insane than usual. But even with several existential crises he actually managed to clean up his flat to a tolerable state and made sure all cables and outlets were safe from nosy kitten paws.
And then he saw them. Minho with a big transport box. Jisung gasped at the sigh and his entire body twitched, sending shivers down his spine.
So he hadn't just hallucinated the whole interaction.
Before he could stop himself, he jumped up, opened the door and ran the stairs down with a wide grin on his face. Just when Minho was about to ring the bell, Jisung flung open the door and almost ran him over.
"Hi!", he almost yelled out like a maniac.
Surprised by the energy force that just hit him, Minho took a deliberate step back, but reached with his free arm for Jisung in case he needed to be stabilised. "Hey", he chuckled.
Without taking any further notice of Minho, Jisung squatted down and looked at the kitten laying in the transport box. A little shaken she stumbled over to the window and meowed. Jisung convinced himself that she looked excited to see him again.
"You take her up, then I'll get the other stuff", Minho said, but Jisung barely listened. With one finger he reached into the box and let her sniff it to recognise him. Almost immediately she sleepily rubbed her face against it and Jisung couldn't help but feel deeply connected to her.
"Ohww, you sweet little angel, let me bring you home, OK?". Carefully he lifted the box and made sure he didn't shake it too much while carrying her upstairs. Half consciously he left his apartment door open for Minho to get inside and walked over to his living room.
Shortly after he could hear panting from the hallway. Completely packed Minho opened the door a little wider, making sure he was actually entering the correct apartment.
"Oh shoot, sorry", exclaimed Jisung, got up and took a few things from Minho fully packed arms. Somehow he managed to carry up a bed, bags filled with food and bowls and bottles and toys and a litter box.
They carried everything into the living room for now, then they just looked at each other.
They were apparently really doing this.
"What now?", Jisung asked shy, miserably aware, that even though his apartment was cleaner than before, you could still see and feel the lack of life in here. This wasn't exactly a happy place to spend your time.
Minho sat down in front of the carrier on the floor and opened the door, gesturing Jisung to also sit down next to him. "Now we just wait and let her decide what's happening next. The doctor checked her out and she is healthy, just needs to eat a little more. Next week we'll take her there again for her first vaccine. This must have been a long day for her, so she might be exhausted. I just fed her before we drove here, so we have enough time for me to teach you some things", Minho took his eyes off the kitten, still sitting in the box and looked at Jisung, "Since we're sharing custody for our child now, we should maybe get to know each other".
Shared custody of a child. That was insane. A kitten, to be fair. Still nothing he'd expected to happen today when he got out of bed this morning. Midday.
"Right, yes". Now that his focus had shifted from the kitten to the person sitting next to him, he suddenly was painfully aware of how close they were sitting. He shifted a little on the spot to create a little more space between himself and the STRANGER SITTING IN HIS LIVING ROOM!
Since Jisung was not making a move to start introducing himself, Minho cleared his throat, "OK, let me start then… I am not a killer or planning to do any other harm to you-".
"Oh my… thank god! Not like a killer wouldn't say the same thing, but yeah", Jisung muttered, half ironic, half relieved.
Minho nodded pleased with himself, "Yeah, I figured that you'd worry about that. So I just wanted to roll that out the way. Hm… what else… I work in a cat shelter. Well, you already know that… I am twenty-five years old, wanted to become a vet but couldn't be bothered to do all the exams and studying, so I became the second best thing-".
"… a employee at a cat shelter?", Jisung asked with big and curious eyes.
Seemingly relaxed Minho leaned back on his arms, "I prefer the term Cat-Rescue-God but whatever makes you happy", a little giggle reached Jisungs ears and he couldn't help but feel a little tingle in his stomach. He told himself that that didn't mean anything and it was just because he was not used to actual human interactions anymore, especially with strangers.
"What else is there…", he tapped his finger against his full lips and the little noot he made subconsciously robbed Jisungs sanity just for a second, "Due to unforeseeable and totally unimportant circumstances I am currently living with my parents again. We really don't need to talk about that. Oh, and I just adopted a cat with a stranger".
"Another one?".
"No, stupid! I was talking about you and her", playful Minho bumped his shoulder into Jisungs. "So, what about you, Hannie? What should I know about you?".
"Other than what I more or less involuntary told you earlier?", Jisung asked nervous.
Minho nodded, "Yes, tell me anything you want to share".
Thinking about it for a second, Jisung wrapped his arms around himself, making him as small as possible, "I don't know, I am not that interesting…".
"I am sure that's a lie, but OK, I won't push you", he pointed at the kitten with his head, still laying in the carrier, but her head rested on the entrance, so she could see her new home from a safe distance. "You know, she wouldn't let us separate her from that hoodie you brought her in with. You two really hit it off immediately. I need to take notes from her", one corner of his mouth lifted upwards into a sly grin.
Was he flirting with him?
Impossible. He was a mess and for a stranger he knew already all too well how big of a mess he was. No way any sane person would willingly flirt with just a pile of known mess.
Well… there was always the option of Minho being no sane person after all.
The next morning Jisung woke up with a headache. It took him a few moments to remember what happened the day before, but the second he realised that he did in fact not dream all that, he sat up in one quick motion.
He was a co-parent of a kitten with a stranger.
Though he probably needed to stop calling him a stranger after they spend the entire evening together, got to know each other, set up the place to make it more comfortable for the little babygirl and ended with him staying the night.
Leaning towards the end of the night, Jisung could feel how all his energy had left his body. After weeks of barely being able to do anything other than sleeping and sitting in front of the computer or scrolling on his phone, this day had drained him. It was, no matter how strange it was, one of the best days in a long time. That moment when the little kitten had taken her first steps outside the safe box and started exploring the area around her, had his hearts in shambles.
Minho had closed the door so she wouldn't get overwhelmed by the size of the apartment. After she was done doing her exploring she found her way to Jisungs lap, curled up in there and he could already hear a soft snore after a few minutes. He wanted to cry. He really tried not to cry, because he felt like crying once a day in front of a basically stranger was by far enough. Luckily Minho was able to read the room and signalled that he would go out for a moment to call his parents.
As soon as he'd closed the door behind him again, the tears started streaming down his face. It was such a heartwarming and beautiful moment, but it also took all the energy from Jisung he had left.
When Minho came back and saw how tired Jisung was he offered to stay the night on the couch and make sure that the kitten was doing alright, while Jisung could take some rest. To be totally honest, Jisung hadn't had the willpower to argue or question how smart that would be and just took him up on the offer.
Now, that it was the next morning he regretted at least one detail about that. He wasn't a happy morning person and all he wanted to do was stay in bed and pretend the world didn't exist. But he couldn't for two reasons. Because there was a man sleeping on his couch and because there was a kitten, his kitten… THEIR kitten right next to him.
What on earth was he thinking?
Already tired he rubbed his face in disbelieve. But no matter how bad he wanted to, he simply couldn't stay in bed. With a big sigh he stood up and slurped to the bathroom, passing the closed living room door. Just when he wanted to let out a relieved breath, that he at least got the chance to sort himself out in the bathroom before having to face the semi-stranger in his home, he noticed a noise coming from the kitchen.
Before he could rethink his decision he'd peeked his head inside the kitchen and saw Minho standing in front of the water boiler, just wearing boxers and a shirt he'd lend him last night. "Oh", Jisungs eyes stayed a little too long on the ass before him, which ended in a very awkward situation when the person that ass belonged to turned around and Jisungs eyes were still directed towards the lower region.
"Good morning, Hannie", Minho chuckled a little too enthusiastic.
"I- ehh… yes, good morning".
"Did you sleep alright?".
Jisung wanted to give a meaningless nod as an answer, but now that he thought about it, he did in fact sleep pretty good last night. Surprised by that realisation, he answered, "actually yes!". He paused to think about it. It's been awhile since he hadn't been overthinking his entire life before eventually falling asleep from exhaustion. Odd. He would have thought that having a semi-stranger in the house would make him actually sleep worse than usual.
What was it about this dude, that made him feel this safe?
"Are you getting ready for work?", He asked eventually after staring at Minho for at least half a minute.
Minho pursed his lips in amusement, "I still have a little time, but I wanted to get some coffee started. Do you want some?".
"Shouldn't I be the one that makes the coffee for you?".
Still amused Minho took a step back, "Oh, you wanna make the coffee then?".
"No… I… yes, I can… I… do you mind, if I just… quickly…", he pointed at the bathroom.
"I'm just messing with you, I'll make the coffee. Go, go, wash your handsome face, sleeping beauty". He said that so nonchalant and self-evident that it took Jisung a second to process what he'd just said.
With flushed cheeks he hurried into the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror. He look a mess. His hair had grown a lot and it's been a while since he'd been to the hairdresser. It was longer than usual and some natural waves started to show. His cheeks were pink, but a least he didn't look like a ghost for once. He could hardly recognise himself, but he didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing.
"Is she awake?", he asked Minho when he stepped back outside.
Minho nodded, "Yeah, she was playing with the string of you hoodie the entire morning".
Together they walked into the living room and Jisung immediately got down on his knees when he saw the little fur-ball running towards him. Something warm and fuzzy bubbled up inside him when the soft fur touched his fingers and he lifted the little kitten up to cuddle her in his arms.
He had no idea how to do this and what he got himself into this, but this little buddle of joy was totally worth it.