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IT WAS A SUNNY DAY AT HERMITCRAFT HIGH SCHOOL. GRIAN WAS REALLY GLAD IT WAS LUNCH BREAK NOW. HE SKIPPED MERRILY DOWN THE HALLWAY TO THE CAFETERIA. ALL HIS FRIENDS WERE ALREADY THERE AT THEIR USUAL TABLE.
“MUMBOOOOOO!!!!” GRIAN YELLED, LAUNCHING HIMSELF AT HIS FRIEND. MUMBO FELL OUT OF HIS CHAIR. GRIAN STOOD OVER MUMBO AND FROWNED. “I DIDN’T EVEN TACKLE YOU, MUMBO.”
“WELL YOU USUALLY TACKLE ME EVERY DAY.,” MUMBO SAID, STANDING UP AND DUSTING HIMSELF OFF. “I FALL OUT OF MY CHAIR ON REFLEX.”
“THAT’S FAIR, THAT’S FAIR,” GRIAN CONCEDED. HE LOOKED AROUND. ETHO, CUB, BDUBS, PEARL, AND GEM WERE ALL THERE. “WHERE’S SCAR?”
AT THAT VERY PRECISE INSTANT, SOMEBODY YELLED FROM THE DOORWAY. EVERYBODY TURNED TO LOOK. IT WAS SCAR!!!!
“GUYS!” HE YELLED. “DOES ANYONE WANT TO COMMIT ARSON WITH ME TODAY??”
EVERYONE TURNED BACK TO THEIR LUNCH AND IGNORED HIM. IT WAS THE SAME AS EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY HE CAME IN AND ASKED PEOPLE TO COMMIT ARSON WITH HIM. NOTHING HAD BEEN BURNED DOWN YET SO NOBODY CARED ANYMORE.
SCAR SCOWLED. “FINE, THEN! I’LL SHOW ALL OF YOU!” HE WHIRLED AROUND AND STORMED OUT OF THE CAFETERIA.
“HEY, HE DIDN’T EVEN SAY HELLO TO US,” BDUBS SAID SADLY. “MAYBE WE SHOULD GO TALK TO HIM. HE SEEMS MORE UPSET.”
“YEAH, NORMALLY HE GOES AROUND ASKING THE TEACHERS AFTER THAT,” PEARL SAID. “MAYBE HE’S REALLY SAD THIS TIME. WE SHOULD GO CHEER HIM UP.”
THE GROUP GOT UP AND LEFT THE CAFETERIA. IT WAS EASY TO TELL WHERE SCAR HAD GONE BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE HE HAD PUNCHED THE WALLS AND LEFT GIANT HOLES IN THE DRYWALL. ALSO THEY COULD HEAR HIS VOICE ECHOING DOWN THE HALLWAY. HE WAS SCREAMING, “THROW THAT CIGARETTE AWAY! SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU! NOW GIVE ME YOUR LIGHTER!”
“THAT MUST BE SCAR,” GRIAN SAID, AND FOLLOWED THE SOUND OF HIS FRIEND’S VOICE. THEY FOLLOWED THE SCREAMING AND YELLING INTO A MATH CLASSROOM. WHEN THEY CAME IN, SCAR WAS STANDING ON ONE OF THE DESKS AND HOLDING A LIGTRE IN ONE HAND. IN THE OTHER HAND WAS SOMEBODY’S MATH WORKBOOK. HE WAS LIGHTING THE MATH WORKBOOK ON FIRE. “DIE, ALGEBRA!” HE SHRIEKED.
“SCAR,” CUB SAID. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
“I’M LIGHTING THIS MATH WORKBOOK ON FIRE!!!”
“OKAY, BUT WHY?” GEM ASKED.
SCAR SHRUGGED.
“IS THIS BECAUSE NOBODY OFFERED TO COMMIT ARSON WITH YOU?” ETHO ASKED INTELLIGENTLY.
“YES!!!!!!” SCAR SCREAMED, THROWING THE STILL-BURNING WORKBOOK AT THE STUDENTS WHERE THEY WERE COWERING IN THE CORNER. (THEY ALL SCREAMED AND FLED THE ROOM.)
“SCAR, IF EVERYONE REALLY DID COMMIT ARSON WITH YOU EVERY DAY, WE WOULDN’T HAVE A CAMPUS ANYMORE,” MUMBO REASONED.
“WHY IS THAT A BAD THING?”
EVERYONE LOOKED AT EACH OTHER. NOBODY COULD THINK OF AN ANSWER.
“THEY COULD’VE SAID YES JUST ONE TIME!” SCAR RAGED, JUMPING DOWN FROM THE DESK AND LIGHTING THE TEACHER’S DESK ON FIRE. “JUST ONE TIME! THAT WOULD’VE BEEN ENOUGH! BUT NOO, I’M NEVER ALLOWED TO SET STUFF ON FIRE!” HE PICKED UP A FLAMING APPLE FROM THE TEACHER’S DESK AND CHUCKED IT AT THE DOORWAY, WHERE THE TEACHER HAD BEEN SADLY WATCHING THEIR DESK BURN. THE TEACHER SHRIEKED AND RAN AWAY.
“SCAR, MATE, WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST ASK US?” GRIAN SAID. “WE’D GLADLY BURN SOME STUFF WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.”
SCAR BRIGHTENED. “REALLY? COOL!”
“DEFINITELY!!!” BDUS, GEM, AND PEARL CHEERED IN UNISON. MUMBO, ETHO, AND CUB SHRUGGED AND JUST DECIDED TO GO ALONG WITH IT. WHAT THE HECK, RIGHT?
“WE HAVE TO GO STEAL SOME LIGHTERS FROM STUDENTS,” SCAR DECLARED. “THEY SHOULDN’T BE SMOKING ANYWAYS.” HE HOPPED UP ON A DESK AGAIN AND POINTED DRAMATICALLY AT THE DOORWAY. “GO FORTH, MY MINIONS!!!!!!!!”
EVERYONE SPLIT UP TO LOOK FOR CLUES KIDS SMOKING. LUCKILY THOSE COME A DIME A DOZEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL. GRIAN SPRINTED INTO THE NEARBY MEN’S ROOM. “DROP EVERYTHING!!!” HE SCREAMED. “THEY’RE LETTING EVERYONE PLAY FORTNITE ON THE LIBRARY COMPUTERS!!!!” THERE WERE TWELVE BOYS IN THE BATHROOM AND THEY WERE ALL SMOKING (EXCEPT FOR TWO THAT WERE IN A STALL TOGETHER BUT THEY DIDN’T SEEM TO REACT TO GRIAN’S STATEMENT) (ACTUALLY THEY COULD TOTALLY HAVE BEEN SMOKING TOO, GRIAN COULDN’T SEE TEHM). ALL THE BOYS THAT WEREN’T BEING FREAKY IN A STALL TOGETHER DROPPED THEIR CIGARETTES AND LIGHTERS AND RAN. GRIAN SCOOPED UP THE LIGHTERS AND, CACKLING, RAN OUT OF THE BATHROOM. AFTER A MINUTE HE CAME BACK TO THE BATHROOM AND PICKED UP ONE OF THE ABANDONED CIGARETTE PACKS TOO. HE LIT ONE, TOOK A DRAG, STARTED COUGHING, AND DROPPED IT ON THE GROUND. MAN, SMOKING WAS NOT AS CRACKED AS EVERYONE SAID IT WAS.
THREE OF THE LIGHTERS WERE OUT OF JUICE. THEY WERE PROBABLY FROM EXTREMELY CHRONIC SMOKERS. GRIAN TOSSED THEM IN THE TRASH AND RACED AROUND THE SCHOOL, LIGHTING RANDOM PAPERS AND DISPLAY BOARDS ON FIRE. WHEN HE ENCOUNTERED CUB AND ETHO, HE GAVE THEM LIGHTRES OF THEIR OWN, AND THEY RAN AROUND BURNING STUFF AND TRYING TO FIND SCAR.
GRIAN STARTED TO SMELL LOTS OF SMOKE. HE ROUNDED A CORNER AND WAS IMMEDIATELY FACED WITH A BLAZING INFERNO THAT USED TO BE THE CAFETERIA. “I THINK I FOUND SCAR,” HE SAID TO THE OTHERS.
SURE ENOUGH, SCAR RAN OUT OF THE BURNING CAFETERIA. ONE SOCK WAS ON FIRE BUT OTHER THAN THAT HE SEEMED TO BE FINE. “FREEDOM!!!!!!” HE SCREAMED, AND TACKLED GRIAN. “OH, HEY, GRIAN. I GOT A LITTLE EXCITED THERE.”
“I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE GOING TO BURN DOWN THE WHOLE BUILDING,” CUB SAID.
“WHAT ELSE WAS I GOING TO BURN DOWN?”
“WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?” GRIAN ASKED. “I HAVEN’T SEEN THEM.”
“MUMBO’S BURNING DOWN THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE. PEARL’S TAKING CARE OF THE AUDITORIUM. BDUBS IS BURNING DOWN THE TRAILERS AND GEM IS BURNING THE GYM.”
GRIAN WAS ALARMED. HERE HE WAS LIGHTING UP POSTERS, AND THE OTHERS WERE ALL BURNING DOWN BUILDINGS. HE WAS FALLING BEHIND!!!!! “SCAR, I HAVE TO BURN DOWN A BUILDING TOO! EVEN MUMBO IS DOING BETTER THAN ME! IS THERE ANYWHERE ELSE I CAN BURN DOWN?”
“I THINK THE ENTIRE SCHOOL IS BURNING DOWN BY NOW,” ETHO COUGHED, PULLING YET ANOTHER BLACK MASK OUT OF HIS POCKET AND PUTTING IT ON. “WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.”
“YEAH, WE SHOULD,” SCAR AGREED, PICKING UP GRIAN AND ETHO AND THROWING ONE OVER EACH SHOULDER. HE AND CUB RACED OUT OF THE SCHOOL RACINGLY (SASCIA TOLD ME TO ADD THAT ONE).
“THERE ARE PLENTY OF BUILDINGS BESIDES THE SCHOOL,” CUB SAID ONCE THEY WERE OUTSIDE AND GRIAN AND ETHO HAD BOTH BEEN DROPPED ON THE FLOOR. “LOOK, THERE’S A GROCERY STORE ACROSS THE STREET. WE CAN BURN THAT DOWN.”
GRIAN SPOTTED ORANGE FLAMES INSIDE THE WINDOWS OF SAID GROCERY STORE. MOMENTS LATER, MUMBO AND BDUBS BURST OUT OF THE STORE, CACKLING WILDLY. THEY SPRINTED ACROSS THE ROAD TO REJOIN THE GROUP.
“I GUESS NOT THAT GROCERY STORE THEN” GRIAN SAID SADLY. “MAYBE THAT CAR WASH NEXT TO IT?”
THE DOOR TO THE CAR WASH SLAMMED OPEN AND PEARL AND GEM CAME SPRINTING OUT TOWARDS THE REST OF THE GROUP. FLAMES COULD BE SEEN IN THE OPEN DOORWAY BEHIND THEM. “NOT THE CAR WASH THEN,” GRIAN SAID.
“WELL, EVERYONE’S HERE NOW,” ETHO SAID. “ARE WE DONE, OR SHOULD WE PICK ANOTHER BUILDING?”
SCAR SMILED EVILLY. “WE’RE NEVER DONE!”
FORTY-TWO MINUTES LATER
THE GROUP STEPPED OFF THE PLANE, EXHAUSTED. FORTY-ONE MINUTES OF HARD ARSON WAS EXHAUSTING. THEY WERE ON THEIR WAY TO SET THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORD FOR FASTEST BURNING OF ALL OF EARTH’S BUILDINGS EVER. (THIS WAS AFTER THEY HAD ALREADY BURNED DOWN ALL THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORD OFFICES.) THEY HAD ALREADY BURNED DOWN ALL THE PTHER BUILDINGS IN THE WORLD TOO. NOW THERE WAS ONLY ONE BUILDING LEFT, THEIR OWN HOUSE.
“OKAY, GUYS,” SAID MUMBO WHEN THEY REACHED THEIR HOUSE. THE GROUP WAS STANDING AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY AND LOOKING UP AT THE HOUSE. “LET’S ALL TAKE A MINUTE TO THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE WANT THIS WORLD RECORD. WHO KNOWS IF THEY’LL EVEN GIVE IT TO US? EVERY POLICE FORCE IN THE WORLD IS AFTER US BY NOW. AND WE’LL HAVE NOWHERE TO LIVE.”
“LET’S DO IT!!!!” GRIAN SCREAMED.
ETHO SHRUGGED. “WHAT THE HECK, RIGHT? WE HAVE A HOUSE, WE DON’T HAVE A HOUSE, DOESN’T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE TO ME.”
“I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE IN A GOPHER TORTOISE BURROW,” GEM SAID THOUGHTFULLY.
“WAIT, GUYS,” BUDUSB SAID NERVOUSLY. “I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT STUFF IN MY ROOM. CAN I GET MY STUFF BEFORE WE BURN THE HOUSE DOWN?”
“I GUESS THE HOUSE IS THE ONLY THING THAT NEEDS TO BE BURNED DOWN,” CUB REASONED.
“ARSON!!!” GRIAN SCREAMED. MAN, WHY WERE THEY HESITATING? HE WANTED TO BURN SOMETHING DOWN NOW!!!!!!!!
“OKAY, LET’S ALL GRAB OUR STUFF FROM OUR ROOMS BEFORE WE BURN THE HOUSE DOWN,” CUB DECIDED OVER THE SOUNDS OF GRIAN’S DISTRAUGHT SCREECHES AND SHRIEKS. THEY ALL TURNED TO THE HOUSE. SCAR WAS COMING OUT OF THE HOUSE, TOSSING A RED GASOLINE CANISTER BEHIND HIMSELF BACK INTO THE HOUSE.
“SCAR!” EVERYONE SCREAMED. “WAIT!!!”
SCAR TURNED HIS LIGHTER ON AND TOSSED IT INTO THE HOUSE’S OPEN FRONT DOOR. FIRE IMMEDIATELY ROSE UP, AND THE FLAMES GREW. SCAR TURNED AND RAN BACK TO THE GROUP, GRINNING. “GUINNESS WORLD RECORD, HERE I COME!”