Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

chapter one

Their last first day of school had arrived after a very intense vacation. Shauna was nervous; she had already gotten used to the routine of staying home every day listening to music while all her friends were traveling and partying.

Shauna preferred silence and tranquility; she wasn't as extroverted and sociable as Jackie, her best friend. She didn't find it easy to socialize, so for her, vacations were like a breath of fresh air amidst so much confusion and despair.

06:07 am

Jackie: Shipman, you're going to class today, right? I have a loot to tell you.

06:08 am

Shauna: Unfortunately, I have to go!

Shauna: I'll meet you at the entrance?

06:09 am

Jackie: Yes! :)

'Jackie!' Shauna shouts, trying to get her friend's attention, who is surrounded by people.

"Shauna!! I’ve missed you!" Jackie steps away from the group of people and hugs Shauna.

Jackie and Shauna have been friends since they were eight years old; their mothers are close friends, so the two grew up together. They've witnessed all of each other's phases, and today, at sixteen, their connection is stronger than ever.

"So, what do you have to tell me?"

"Oh, so much to say, come with me, I'll explain on the way," Jackie says, pulling her into the school hallway.

The school was full of people, so everyone was crammed together. For Shauna, this happened because the first days of school are a time when people are still happy and hopeful, always starting out excited, saying, "This is my year!" and being friendly with all their classmates. Until something happens and they revert to being the same selfish and fake people they always were. For Jackie, it was different; she believed there was goodness in everyone. And even with different worldviews, they got along very well; they were soulmates.

While Jackie tells the whole lore Shauna tries not to get lost with the several different names and people mentioned. How can so much happen in three months? The highlight of Shauna's vacation was buying a discounted Fleetwood Mac CD, her favorite band. Shauna gets distracted thinking about how hectic these people's lives must be; being popular wouldn't really work for her, one wrong decision and...puff everyone hates you, and you become the subject of daily gossip for three long weeks. Until they forget and no longer even remember who you are.

"Shauna? Did you hear me?"

"Hi Jackie, sorry, I got distracted."

"I told you that Randy wants to hook up with you."

"Randy??? That idiot?"

"He's not a idiot, Shauna! You're being too critical."

Shauna rolls her eyes and says, "Oh, I don't know, Jackie, he's so immature." 

"So what? You're just going to hook up, it doesn't have to be anything serious!!" Jackie says hopefully.

"I'll think about it!"

"Yay! I knew you'd accept! I'll let him know!" Jackie then runs to the end of the hallway looking for Randy.

Shauna rolls her eyes and gives a light laugh. She grabs her things from her locker and heads towards the classroom.

“Shauna!!!” her friend, Taissa Turner, was waving frantically from across the room. Shauna smiled and walked towards her friend.

"Hey Tai, you won't believe what just happened!"

"Oh, what??"

“Jackie’s setting me up with a guy again!” Shauna says, putting her things on her table next to Tai’s, “and this time it’s Randy.”

After that, Taissa spends 3 minutes laughing non-stop.

“Okay, I’ll stop…” Taissa says after laughing hysterically. “But are you really going to hook up with him?”

"Oh, I don't know, I was even considering it before, but after your scandalous laughing..." she says jokingly.

"Oh Shauna, he's dumb, isn't he? But I don't know, it's been a while since I talked to him, maybe he has changed!"

Lottie Mathews, a friend of the two girls, sits at the desk behind Shauna and says, "He hasn't evolved, he’s still the same dumbass."

Shauna turns around to look at Lottie and puts her hands to her face, laughing. She doesn't really want to be with Randy, but when Jackie gets something in her head, nobody can change her mind. A year ago, when she decided she was going to date Jeff, it didn't even take two weeks and they were already together. But Shauna knows she doesn't do it out of malice; she just wants to find someone for her 'lonely and depressed' friend (according to her). But, for Shipman, her friends and her books are enough for her; she doesn't need anyone to be happy, she can be happy on her own. But she also knows that if she wants to make her friend happy, she'll have to be with Randy, so she's already preparing herself psychologically. Shauna would do anything for Jackie, just as Jackie would do anything for Shauna. (Graceland Too, Phoebe Bridgers reference)

When the professor (unfortunately) arrives Shauna starts sketching in her notebook, she has a lot of hobbies, but drawing is probably her favourite, it distracts her from her mind. Sometimes she wishes she could disappear, even when she is not depressed she still doesn't want to be seen. 

“DAMN IT!” Natalie screams in the hallway. She enters the class and everyone can see how mad she is. “Late again Miss Scatorccio?” the teacher says, and she obviously ignores it and goes to her desk.

“Well, it seems someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed” says Taissa laughing, which makes Shauna laugh too and add to her joke - “You should go check on your girlfriend Lottie” 

“She is not my girlfriend! But I kinda wish it were...”
“So do something about it! She is not easy, but neither are you, so I think it is fine. Besides she is on our football team so it’s not impossible, you should talk to her. You don't need to be girlfriends, but like a one time thing” adds Turner.

Lottie listens to the words of her friend and starts thinking of the possibility, she has always found Nat attractive, and it has been a while since she last kissed, so it will be really good. 

"Yeah, i will do something about it" says Lottie. Shauna wishes she were as encouraged and self confident as Matthews, but instead she is insecure and has no self confidence.

When they leave the class Jackie goes straight to Shauna to talk to her “Guess what! Randy is really excited and you are going on a date on friday night! A DOUBLE DATE!! With me and Jeff of course, I'm so happy that my best friend will finally be with someone!” Shauna sees the sparks in Jackie's eyes, she is not lying, she is really happy, you can see it by the way she looks at Shauna. Jackie hugs Shauna and smiles at her, and obviously she can't help it but smiles too, even knowing that she doesn't want Randy at all, but she will do everything to make her girl happy. When they were young, the both of the girls used to kiss ‘casually’, Jackie said that it was to train them for when it was for real, and Shauna accepted it, because she kinda wanted to kiss Jackie, and she never stopped wanting, even now when Taylor is with her boyfriend, Shipman still looks at the past and can't help but wonder how things could be ‘if it was different?’ ‘if she had chosen me over him?’.. But she is slowly accepting the fact that if it had ever had something between them, it's over now.

(i’m sorry for the really small chapter😭 i will do better next time, i promise!)

Chapter Text

Chapter two

Group Chat 

08:30 pm

Lottie: Heyy girls, I'm having a party here on saturday night! Waiting for you two :) 

08:40 pm

Shauna: I will definitely go! Have you invited Jackie? 

08:41 pm

Lottie: Yes don't worry Shauna, i knew you wouldn't go if i didn’t invite her. 

Lottie: And I also did something about what Taissa said and I invited Nat!

08:45 pm

Taissa: That's my girl!! You should learn with her, Shipman.

Group Chat Ended.

Shauna keeps thinking of what Taissa said, but the situations are different, Nat is openly gay, and Jackie is openly straight. She had sex with Jeff multiple times, if she weren't really straight she would've known by now, besides if one day she finds out that she might not be that straight, she would never be with Shauna, because Shipman knows that Taylor only see her as a friend, and she also knows that Jackie is way too cool and pretty for her. But being so close to her only makes things more difficult, liking a girl being another girl it’s not that easy, but liking your girl best friend who is straight and has a boyfriend it’s worse. She even thinks of the possibility of kissing a girl at Matthews’s party to try to forget Jackie, but she knew it wouldn’t work anyway. It’s like their souls are carved into each other, like they are meant to be. Shipman believes that sometimes there is a strong power in life that no one can control, and they are an example of this, like there is an invisible string tying them, even when they are apart their hearts are still beating for each other. Shauna doesn’t know it but Jackie’s heart beats faster than ever when they are together. 

It’s Wednesday afternoon and Jackie is at Shauna's house.

“We could watch a movie!” says Jackie laying on Shauna’s bed.

“Which movie?” Shipman asks as she relies on Taylor’s shoulder

“Hmm, what about Dead Poets Society? It’s your favourite right?”

“YES!! You are gonna love it” Shauna says, really excited, grabbing her tv control on her bedside table. 

When they are watching the movie, Shauna notices how Jackie is really paying attention to all details.

“omg you’re so Todd Anderson” she says.

“and you are so Neil Perry” shauna replies. 

“except for the fact that i won’t kill myself” 

“thank god!”. 

And they don’t realize that both characters are basically a couple.

After they watched the movie, they went downstairs to drink the special tea Shauna’s mom made for them. 

“It’s delicious as always, Ms. Shipman!” Jackie is always kind with everyone, even with the ones that don’t deserve her kindness, she just believes that everyone deserves to be treated nicely, this is why everyone loves Jackie, how could someone hate her? 

“Come with me Shipman, let’s go to your bedroom”. When they get there, Taylor sits on the bed and says to Shauna sit too. 

“So, I was thinking and it’s been a while since you last kissed, so what if we kissed just like for you to do great when you kiss Randy?” Shauna paralyzes. She is not sure if she heard that right. Jackie wants to kiss her? Again? For practice? The words are now spinning on Shipman’s mind, it’s her opportunity, she wanted to do that again for so long, but she was too afraid to ask. But she knows that nothing of this means something to Jackie, because she has a boyfriend and she is straight, and just because she wants to kiss Shauna doesn’t mean she has feelings for her, maybe that’s what straight friends do, right? She is still panicking and her heart is almost jumping out of her. 

“Yes, ok, of course. I mean, why not?” Jackie laughs at her response and kisses her best friend. Shauna remembers how to kiss, and it’s not like she spent a year without kissing, she kissed a girl at a club last month. And Jackie knows it. It’s like before Shauna makes out with someone, Jackie wants to make out with her, so she won’t forget what it is like to kiss her before she kisses somebody else. They keep kissing for ten minutes, which for Shauna sounded like 15 seconds. Being so close and intimate to Jackie makes her sick, she wants that for her whole life, she wants to feel Taylor’s lips on her everyday. She doesn't want to kiss somebody else, she wants Jackie, for the rest of her life. But she can’t have her, and when she remembers she stopped the kiss - 

“I’m sorry. I, I… gotta go to the bathroom” Shipman runs to the bathroom, locks herself in, sits on the floor and starts crying. This is all too much for her, she can’t kiss her knowing that Taylor is not hers. She likes kissing her, but when she starts thinking too much and realizes what she's doing, she freaks out. She hears someone knocking on the door: “Shipman, I'm sorry. Are you okay?? Talk to me.” She sounds desperate, Shauna thinks. 

“Please go home Jackie, I want to be alone.” Jackie leaves, she knows Shauna, and by the ways she is talking she knows that she needs to be alone. After a while she leaves the bathroom, but she is still crying, so she goes to her bed and starts writing in her journal. Ever since she was a little kid she used to write about her feelings, which is a hobby that was her psychology’s idea, and until now she writes, whenever she feels overwhelmed. She felt bad for the way she basically kicked Jackie out, but she was dealing with a lot of bad thoughts and pressure over her. She needs to apologize to her. 

11:11 pm

Shauna: Jackie, I'm so sorry, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. 

Shauna couldn’t sleep at night because she was too worried about what happened earlier. She was embarrassed, because she wasn’t nice and even stopped the kiss that she has been wanting for so long. 

But apparently, Jackie couldn’t sleep either. 

01:24 am 

Jackie: It’s okay Shauna, I pushed you too hard and forced you to do things you didn’t want to do. I am sorry. It was an stupid idea.

01:24 am

Shauna: It’s okay, don’t worry.

Actually, it was not okay, Shauna was still freaking out. But later she put all her stress on beautiful drawings, so it was kinda worth it. She was overthinking, like she always does, cause kissing your friend might be normal, right? And it was for her to practice, it’s not like it was for fun, but she still feels terrible. Besides the fact that, even after four years of being openly bisexual, she still feels kinda guilty after kissing a girl. She should do therapy. 

The next day Shauna was too tired to go to school, so she stayed at home, but when she was listening to music in her bedroom, a message pops up on her phone.

09:42 am

Unknown Number: Shauna, are you at school? 

09:42 am

Shauna: Wait, who am I talking to? 

09:43 am

Unknown Number: It’s me, Lottie, I'm on Nat’s phone, mine died. Jackie is crying, idk what happened but she seems upset. 

09:43 am

Shauna: Wait what???? I’m on my way.

Shauna runs to the school, she was tired and her hair looked like hell but she needed to take care of Jackie. Jackie has always been there on Shauna’s worst moments, she needs to be there too. Besides the fact that she might be crying because of Shipman.

“Jackie!!” She runs to her friend.

“Shauna? Why are you here?” Jackie says while she tries to swipe her tears.

“Lottie told me you were upset, so I came here to check on you.” Shauna is really concerned about Jackie, and Jackie knows it. Shauna wouldn’t leave her house like that if it were someone else. 

“I'm sorry, I'm just sad because I did that stupid thing last night and made you uncomfortable.”

Shauna hugs her. “It’s okay, I'm fine now, it wasn't stupid, you were trying to help me.” 

Jackie smiles at her, and realizes that she was super anxious about it but it wasn’t really a big deal. Shauna stays with Jackie for a while on the hallway floor. They spend most of the time in silence, but it’s a comfortable silence, it’s not that awkward silence when people stay anxious and desperate to think about a subject to talk about. Their company is good for each other, they complete themselves. They aren’t talking, but they already know. 

“I think I'm going home now, you are fine right?” Shauna says looking at her eyes.

“I am fine, don’t worry, Shipman.” She smiles. Jackie always makes sure to look strong for people, she doesn't want them to worry about her.

“Okay, so then I'm leaving… Oh I almost forgot! I made this drawing for you, it’s a little messy but I think it turned out cool.” 

It’s a drawing of Jackie. She made it in class, while she was thinking about her. Shipman sees Jackie as an angel, and you can see this by the way she draws her. 

“Oh my god Shipman, this is AMAZING!!!” she gets really happy and excited, she instantly hugs Shauna. “I’m going to put this in my wallet! Love this so much, thank you!” 

Shauna gets really embarrassed. “I’m glad you liked it. I think I'm going now, bye Jackie” She hugs Taylor and leaves the school.