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A knock on the door prompts Mabel to open the door. Outside of the door (the one she just opened) is a man-shaped golden retriever. It's probably from space or something. Mabel squeals and The Pig comes to her side. “‘This is so cool’ is what she said,” The Pig explains, he often has to translate for guests. Thor tells her that he isn’t a space dog, he’s actually a different dimention dog, she doesn’t give a shit. Dumbass space dog doesn’t know what the fuck he's talking about. “I am here because I need clothes,” he says. Mabel is already in the car. Thor had been talking to a life sized cutout of Ronald Reagan, It looked almost exactly like Mabel so it was understandable. “Get in the car bitch we’re going shopping” she pulls out a pen and notebook and crosses off “mean girls meme” from her to-do list. One down 5 to go.
The Pig drives them to the nearest mall. It was a large menacing building. It was definitely haunted. Maybe even Double Haunted. They go in and it's pretty much a normal mall. What a fricken let down. They walk to the nearest victoria's secret. It was easy because Mabel has a special sense for where tiddies and tiddy related apparel are. She was bitten by a radioactive tiddy. You know what they say though, with a great tit comes another great tit right next to it. Mabel holds Thor’s hand so he doesn’t get lost. The Pig ends up buying literally all the panties in the store. Like all of them, the employees are just letting it all hang out now. Thor didn't end up buying anything there but he did find a loose nail which is exciting because he has a hammer so he can just nail anywhere he wants!!! The Pig told him not to put the nail in anything that was alive. Mabel told him that is exactly what he should do and then she triple dog dared him to. He had no choice so he nailed an elderly moose in the face. He later sent it to Thomas Jefferson in France. This proved to all the Frenchman that the USA was not swamp and had kickass animals.
The next store they ventured into was Forever 21. Mabel purchased pants that were made out of moss. Thor after looking over everything with a fine tooth comb bought a floor length skirt made of 3 inch solid steel welded into a cylinder, two miniskirts that were relatively plain but emitted the sound of dripping water, and overalls. Overall it was a huge success. As they exited from the slimy maw of the alligator, inside of which the store was located, someone from the floor above them dropped their sunglasses and it landed right on Mabel’s face. “Deal with it,” she said, pulling out her pen and notepad once again to check ‘entirely accidental meme reenactment’ off her list. 2 down, 4 to go.
They wandered the building for a while until they got to a bath and bodyworks. The Pig pushed them inside. Thor fucking stank. They were having a buy three and then buy three more sale (as always) so they got two size 8 boot fulls of japanese cherry blossom, one lotion and one body wash for mabel. Thor got a keg of refurbished car smell scented ambiguous gelatinous liquid. The Pig was more practical and got a mini bottle of fresh ground beef scented ax polish, a body bag of fresh ground beef scented whip polish and (of course) a bucket of vanilla holy water.
They all got some pretzels for lunch. After eating at a plastic table nailed to the ground next to a fountain indoors she pulled out her notepad and crossed “normal mall experience” off her list. She really didn’t think she’d get that one done. 3 down 3 to go. Mabel was glad when their trip went back to being weird and outlandish again as aliens began attacking the mall. The Pig huddled them all close together. “Guys,” The Pig began “,this is the perfect time to steal shit” and he was absolutely correct. Mabel stole an alien and The Pig stole a nice spring dress for Thor. Thor was very strong and stole the entire build-a-bear building that was outside. The aliens, besides the one mabel had tamed and carried in her purse, were really friggin annihilating the mall. They put the loot they got so far back in the car, which had been illegally parked next to a fire hydrant, and also on the sidewalk. They did nothing to correct this. Mabel opened her purse and asked the alien to hand her her notepad. It did and she crossed off “get an alien to hand you this notepad” off her list. Hell yeah 4 down 2 to go. There was a loud crash and boom as the mall collapsed beside them. They were all mildly disappointed but whatever, Thor had a whole build a bear.
They wandered through town and stomped down every flower they saw. They played undertale. They weren’t gonna risk that mess. An older man with a leather jacket and a forehead tattoo that said “if you're reading this you must be standing very close and I want you to keep reading so you'll keep standing there. You see I'm very lonely and my pet armadillo says very mean things about me. If you want to be my friend my email address is [email protected]” The Pig wandered away and remained unseen by the man who was clearly renowned comic book character Stan Lee. Mabel checks “Stan Lee cameo” off her list. 5 down only one to go. Thor acts like he is reading the man's forehead but all that is happening in his mind is the Gilligan's island theme song. Suddenly The Pig back yelling “the police found me sacrifice yourselves for the greater good! “ but it was actually just a toddler in a really convincing costume. Thor gave him child safety scissors and then menacingly to him to run with them.
On the walk home Thor finally asked what Mabel had been writing throughout the day. Mabel pulled out her notebook and marked off the final thing. “Never tell anyone my dark secret.”