Chapter Text
“I heard you won Cage's case,” Karen remarked, tapping her fingers on the rim of her glass.
“Yes, it wasn't an easy one, for sure,” Foggy sighed. “But hey, we had all the cards in our hands. Besides, public opinion helped a lot.”
They met again at Josie's after work, after several weeks of communicating exclusively via text message. These little meetings brightened up their gray weekdays, although they were becoming increasingly rare, and Karen couldn't help but feel the growing distance between her and Foggy. They were both busy, with a lot of work at their new jobs, a lot of stories, a lot of cases. It wasn't that Karen didn't like working at the newspaper. And it wasn't that Foggy didn't like working at Hogarth's firm. But they were still upset by how much space work had come to occupy in their lives. So a little Friday night out for drinks on a cool spring evening was a real breath of fresh air. They could relax and take an hour's break from the complexities of the real world, which entangled them like chains from head to toe and pulled them further and further apart. They had postponed this meeting several times and were therefore simply happy to be in each other's company. In addition, now that they worked in different places, they had much more to talk about than they would have if their old company had stayed afloat, because then they would have seen each other every day and known everything about each other.
And yet, even here, sitting across from each other at a table in their favorite biker pub, Karen couldn't shake the feeling that she was losing touch with the life she loved. Foggy hadn't changed. He was just as cheerful, smiling, and supportive as ever. But he had changed nonetheless. The dress code required him to cut his hair. The short hairstyle suited him. But he stopped wearing colorful shirts and funny ties with silly prints. In any case, Foggy wasn't quite himself in this new place. He was really turning into “Mr. Uptown”, as Josie now called him. And it was unlikely that “Mr. Uptown” would have enough energy and time in a month or two to keep up with aspiring journalist Karen Page, who was about to write some sensational article.
But the main thing was that Foggy was here. For her. He sacrificed his precious time, which was his salary, to spend the evening with her. And it seemed like a gift from above. That he was still here and still her friend. In addition, by a great coincidence, Foggy was working on Luke Cage's case, and Karen had written an article last week about Cage's imminent release from Seagate.
“It's nice to know that sometimes we work on the same stories,” Karen smiled softly and nodded.
“Anything else on your radar?” Foggy asked. “The Rand article seemed good, but you said that was just the beginning. Come on, Page, spill the beans on what you've got planned.”
“Oh, yes, I just wrote an article about the school board today,” she boasted and smiled. "Can you imagine, the state wanted to cut spending on the local system. We're talking millions of dollars. So many teachers without salaries, so many children without textbooks and all that. Anyway, it will be a real disaster in a couple of years, unless the city fights for these grants, of course."
“I see you have a pattern in your writings, a recognizable style,” Nelson took a sip of beer. "It's... I dunno, maybe it's good that you can always tell that you wrote it."
“Well, in theory, journalism should be impartial, so it's more of a disadvantage,” Page joked. “But now the media is so... artificial, fake, deceitful... It seems like that idea should be in the past. Why write about something that doesn't concern you personally and ordinary citizens?”
“Yeah,” Foggy drawled. “I wish I could say the same thing.”
“You do good things, Foggy,” Karen tried to convince him.
“Well, Cage's case is more of an exception,” he shrugged. “But what can we do? It's an profession's hazard. Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty with something you don't like, so to speak.”
There it was, a fading glimmer of the good old Foggy. Still, the system hadn't yet digested his belief in justice and his desire to help those who really deserved it. Karen bit her lower lip sympathetically. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and then grabbed her glass.
“Well, let's drink to having to get our hands dirty less often,” she suggested and raised her glass.
“Cheers,” Foggy agreed.
They clinked glasses, took another sip, and set them back on the table with a loud thud. Karen sighed heavily. While she had managed to get the same Foggy she had met almost two years ago, she had to talk to him about something. It seemed she had done something completely crazy, and she needed guidance. Perhaps she wanted Fogg to try to talk her out of her decision, but mostly she wanted to believe that he would support her as always. Even if it was a painful subject.
“Hey, Foggy,” Karen muttered hoarsely. “There's something else.”
“Yeah?”
“I... I got a story out of Ellison for... next week...” She fidgeted with her fingers, trying to calm her growing tremors. “Aaron v. Berkowitz. About that, um, endexoprine.”
“Oh, that's a big one,” Foggy remarked. “I think the paper should sell well, especially if the case is decided in favor of the plaintiffs, and...” Suddenly it dawned on him. “Wait, isn't that case being handled by... Matt?”
Karen blushed and looked down. But then she quickly looked up and was surprised to see Foggy smiling broadly. It seemed she could breathe easy.
“What are you up to, Karen?” Foggy asked playfully.
“Nothing, just... Just get a statement on the verdict and...” She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe invite Matt for coffee?”
“Oh, God damn,” Nelson laughed. “Are you serious?”
“I mean... Matt's doing well now, I think,” Page sighed and rested her chin on her hand. “He's stable. I just... I've been following his latest work and...”
“Ugh, Karen, you're in trouble,” Foggy joked.
“Yeah, I know,” Karen couldn't help but laugh. “Like, I think now is the time... To talk things through properly, you know? When everything is settled and we have found our footing. I just hope he doesn't push me away again.”
“Well, that would be his loss,” he smiled slyly. “But hey, Matt's not stupid. I think if he's really... changing for the better... he won't make the same mistake twice.”
Foggy, of course, had something very specific in mind. For him, Matt's problems stemmed from one source — the red mask with horns. But Karen doubted that this was the real reason. After all, Matt had told her everything that was the real reason. An ancient organization, zombies, a hole in the middle of New York City, blood farms. If he had put that on the back burner, Karen might have been chopped up into pieces along with countless other innocent citizens. And now that she knew that Matt and Daredevil were the same person, she felt an inexplicable sense of shame that scraped at the walls of her heart because she had told him that Matt was not a hero. Of course he was a hero, she sincerely believed in the righteousness of the actions of the Man in Black, and then the Devil of Hell's Kitchen. She didn't doubt for a second that what he was doing was important and necessary. But this was Matt, and Matt chose to fight ninjas rather than help his friends. It wasn't that he wasn't at all to blame for what happened. Matt had definitely messed up. But Karen could understand why he made those wrong choices.
After all, she had dreamed about Daredevil. And she continued to dream about him. She replayed the scenes in the pouring rain or in the dimly lit warehouse over and over again in her mind. And now Daredevil had a face, and the dreams were no longer memories but more like fantasies. Fantasies in which the Devil of Hell's Kitchen held Karen in his warm embrace, picked her up, and kissed her passionately. When Matt told her everything that had happened, she was still seething with anger and disappointment. But several months passed, the flames of rage died down, and on the charred embers of resentment remained an indestructible feeling that she could not describe in one word. Or did not want to describe in one word. So many different ingredients, a whole hurricane of emotions. Something that was begging to come out, but Karen was desperately holding back, even though she wanted so badly to let go of that chain and give free rein to the hurricane for it to be in all its power.
And now Matt is the same as when she met him and as she always saw him. A simple, hard-working, justice-seeking lawyer who single-handedly redeems the reputation of his profession by helping those who really need it. Kind, sympathetic, and sweet. Handsome... Karen shook her head every time she thought about it, so as not to get carried away by her own rich imagination. But now Daredevil was only in her dreams. All that remained was the man she fell in love with as soon as he said he liked her voice, something no one had ever said to her before. And now nothing prevented him from staying the way he had been for the six months before the Punisher and the Hand appeared. The way she had first imagined her distant future, more like a dream than a plan.
But there was another problem. Matt opened up to her, while Karen continued to hide the dark corners of her soul behind a curtain. And it was wrong of her to demand the truth from him when she herself was unable to share what was troubling her so much. So, removing her hand from his heart, she said she didn't think Daredevil was the problem. She was the problem. How could she want an equal and healthy relationship if he didn't know what was hiding behind her own mask? Because Matt, with Daredevil behind him, now seemed much better. He was a hero, a defender of the weak, in court and on the streets, where the law failed, he took matters into his own hands and helped those in trouble. And who was Karen with what was hidden behind her? A former drug addict who had killed her brother out of foolishness and who, as she herself thought, had cold-bloodedly finished off a man. A bad one, but still a human being. But Matt thought she was innocent. Matt thought she was good. That she deserved care and protection. And if Karen wanted things to work out between them, it wasn't fair that he didn't know who she really was. And she wanted it. She really wanted things to work out.
Ellison, of course, immediately noticed that this could be a conflict of interest. He knew where Karen had worked before, how could he not? But she argued very unconvincingly that it was just a work thing, that it was an important case that would change the legal process and prove once again that corporations could not avoid responsibility, and that the fact that her former friend was defending the plaintiffs in this case was just a big coincidence and certainly not her biggest interest. But Ellison treated her fatherly. Whether it was something that flashed in her eyes or her voice faltered, he probably realized that Karen was exaggerating her concern about the story itself. Still, he pretended to believe her and allowed her to write the article. And for some reason, he specifically requested an exclusive statement. Perhaps he also guessed that Matt Murdock was more than just a former employer and estranged friend to Karen.
Karen was determined. This would be her first small step. And when she was sure that her whirlwind of emotions was not unrequitted, that Matt also missed her and wanted the same thing she did, Karen would tell him. She would definitely tell him everything.
Journalists with cameras, microphones, and notebooks had already gathered in the hallway, eagerly awaiting the verdict in the Aaron v. Berkowitz case, but Karen was not among them. Instead, she had spent the last ten minutes in the ladies' room, trying to calm her nerves and rehearsing what she was going to say. She was still primping a little. Maybe Matt wouldn't notice, but what he had told her made her think that her efforts would not go unnoticed. The subtlest notes of perfume, the taste of lipstick, the freshness of a recently laundered shirt. And she was just going to get a statement from him. Over coffee at the nearest cafe, but just a statement. And why was she so nervous? Probably because she hadn't seen him face to face in almost six months.
Finally, the doors swung open and the sound of a crowd of people, camera flashes, and a million questions came from the hallway. The verdict was in favor of the plaintiffs, $11 million. It wasn't that Karen was surprised by the outcome, but it was still delightful in its own way. She allowed herself to linger a little longer near the sink, washed her hands thoroughly, smoothed her hair, slung her bag over her shoulder, and cautiously stepped out into the hallway, moving slowly toward him as he spoke to the poor boy who had suffered from the misuse of endexoprine. The boy in the wheelchair moved aside, and Karen saw the exact moment when Matt noticed her. He turned toward her and looked almost surprised of her presence. Karen shifted from foot to foot, stood up straight, and evened out her breathing. She hoped her pulse had calmed down enough not to give her away prematurely, but Matt's raised eyebrows and slightly open mouth definitely had an effect on her. He wasn't just surprised. He was pleasantly surprised.
“Congratulations, Mr. Murdock,” she said as she exhaled.
“Oh,” Matt was definitely surprised. “Thank you, Miss Page.”
She needed to lighten the mood a little, to prepare for the moment. To make it clear that she wasn't just standing apart from the other journalists for no reason. A light joke was a good way to set the right mood, but she still felt a little self-conscious, so she looked down to keep her spirits up.
“You can be proud of yourself. A little. I won't tell anyone.”
And Matt smiled broadly. The very smile that always warmed her heart. Well, he appreciated her approach. It was nice. But instead of responding with a joke, he said:
“Um, are you here for a statement?”
Was he stupid or what? Karen was slightly taken aback, and in that same second she remembered that, yes, she was here for his comment, not to have a nice chat with him in a café outside the courthouse, away from the deafening crowd of questions and camera flashes.
“Um, yeah,” she paused and noticed that Matt was silent, as if waiting for something. Okay, it was time to be obvious: “Hey, you maybe wanna go... do that over a bite?”
“Ehm, sure, yes,” and a surprised expression graced his face again. “Can you give me five minutes?”
“Mh-hh,” Karen muttered, not even waiting to hear the rest of what he had to say. The most important thing was that he had already agreed.
Matt turned away and walked over to the group of reporters and the Aaron family, while they showered him with “Mr. Murdock.” Karen watched him politely talk to the reporters, support the family with light, almost friendly touches, pats on the shoulder, and smiles for everyone around him, and she wished he would do the same for her. She took a few shallow breaths, trying to calm her nerves. Karen stood motionless in the middle of the hallway and could have continued for five minutes, an hour, a day, or even weeks. But Matt dealt with the questions fairly quickly and returned to her almost immediately, approaching her slightly awkwardly, this time even closer.
“So, over a bite, huh?” he smiled, adjusting his tie. He definitely liked the idea.
“Yeah, I know a place nearby that serves pretty good coffee,” Karen nodded.
“Well, I could use some coffee,” Matt joked. “It's been a rough morning.”
“Do you need...?”
She held out her hand for him to take. Of course, he could sense the world much better than anyone who could see. His cane was just for show. But Matt was still blind. And he needed to maintain the more familiar image of a blind man. Karen knew it wasn't necessary, but it had become a habit for her to walk arm in arm with him, and even after all this time, the habit hadn't disappeared. Matt was embarrassed again, but he still gently took her by the elbow, softly, almost caressing her hand. And Karen, whose back was already covered with goose bumps from fragments of memories of when everything was good, led him down the hallway to the courthouse exit.
Matt didn't know what to expect. What questions would be asked, how to answer them. He could hardly believe that Karen was finally sitting across from him at the table by the window, smiling and giggling. He hardly realized how much he had missed her company. Even though he had been following every new article she wrote. Of course, he had to listen to the voice transcription of other publications in the Bulletin beforehand, but every time the robotic voice said “by Karen Page”, Matt knew he would sleep well that night. He was no longer used to using his abilities to their fullest, but now he absorbed all the sensory information that surrounded Karen, trying to figure her out. Karen Page was a big mystery to him. He could hear her breathing and heartbeat, but he could hardly read her thoughts. Matt could only guess what made her heart flutter.
Everything had long since become simple for him. No matter how hard he tried to complicate his feelings about it, he couldn't escape one simple fact. Matt loved Karen. He was just too afraid to accept it and admit it. But he had another way of letting her know. Unobtrusively, delicately, a little sweetly. So she would know that he didn't go a day without thinking about how things might have turned out if he hadn't done what he did.
“Great story last week,” Murdock said. “About the school board scandal.”
“Thank you,” Page replied again almost as soon as he spoke, without a second to think. "Yeah, Ellison's pretty much given me a free reign. It feels like what I've meant to be doing or... Um, I don't know if that makes any sense."
Of course it makes sense. Karen is smart, attentive to detail, compassionate, and determined. Who else but her to tell about all the sorrows and misfortunes in New York? Who else but her can touch people's hearts and open their eyes to the truth? Who else but her can make this city a better place? She does it better than Matt ever did, and she doesn't have to swing her fists and turn herself into a bloody mess every night to do so.
“Yeah, of course,” Matt nodded. He could have given her so many compliments, but for now he settled for simply agreeing with her.
“And it looks like you're doing what you always wanted to do,” she said.
“Yes, it's been a transition from the Nelson & Murdock days, from the partnership, but, uh... No, the pro bono work does make me happy.”
It was sincere. But still, there was a bitter aftertaste to that feeling. Matt wanted to do this with Foggy and Karen. But he was doing it alone. And although he was fulfilling his need to help the community, he couldn't say that he was part of it. He was detached from people, he allowed himself to be alone in this, and there was nothing he wanted more than not to be alone. He wanted to be part of this world, but without Foggy and Karen, he wasn't sure he could fully exist in it. That's why Karen's presence brightened up the gray weekday that he feared he would spend alone again. And it gave him hope that maybe it wasn't too late to fix everything. The waitress poured them coffee and helped Matt find the cream and sugar. And that's when Matt noticed a change in Karen's mood. It was as if something had frozen her. Her face changed, becoming gloomier. Matt tensed up because he wasn't ready to let go of this little ray of light that had broken through the gloomy, cloudy day. He wasn't ready for it to be covered by a cloud too. A cloud in the shape of the devil.
“Do you wish you'd kept your secret to yourself?” Karen asked grimly.
“No,” he shook his head for emphasis. Matt had to get her smile back, no matter what. “I needed you to know. I don't know what I expected, but I... I know I couldn't lie to you anymore.”
Another victory. Karen smiled slightly and broke into a smile again. Not a bright one, more sad than joyful, but still a smile, a grateful smile. And that was enough for him.
“Do you miss it? The suit, the mask?”
“No,” Matt pursed his lips.
And then it was as if he had been struck by lightning. He didn't show it, but inside he felt a painful knot forming. He had just said he couldn't lie to her anymore. And the first thing he did was lie to her. He missed it. It was wrong, and for the wrong reasons. But he missed it, and he couldn't deny it. Every night, he wanted to go out on the roof, track down some scumbags, beat them up and turn them in to the police, save an innocent person who had fallen victim to local street crime. The suit was still in the chest. Matt should have burned it, thrown it into the Hudson, torn it into tiny pieces, but he didn't. He renounced Daredevil to give Karen a chance. So she could take the place of Devil of Hell's Kitchen, rid him of all his fears and anxieties. But she wasn't ready and didn't cross the threshold of his soul, didn't take the place she so desired. And for all these six months, Matt couldn't stop thinking about how good it would be to put on the Devil's costume again and go out and take justice into his own hands.
But if he really understands this meeting correctly, if Karen isn't afraid of him, if Karen wants to continue being part of his life, then he won't miss it. Matt will make a choice in her favor. But that hasn't happened yet. It's not yet a fact that everything will turn out the way he wants it to. So it was a lie. And he needed to soften the edges, make everything less clear-cut, express the complex emotions that had been tormenting him for the last six months. But at the same time, he needed to let her know that he was open to her. And if she agreed, then the lie would turn into the truth.
“Feels like a chapter of my life that's closed,” he sighed. “Now, I don't regret it, you know, I just... I regret that it drove some people away.”
“No, it's... Look, it didn't drove me away. I just... You know, I felt like we should figure ourselves out first, or something..."
First? Then what's second? Oh, God, could it be... Matt couldn't hold back the growing smile that stretched the muscles of his face into wrinkles around his eyes and the corners of his mouth. He could hear her heartbeat, and the puzzle was falling into place. Karen still liked Matt. He wasn't sure if there was a stronger word for it, but the main thing was that she needed to figure herself out “first”, and then there would be something else. What else? well, he hadn't pushed her away. So she wanted the same thing he did. It didn't matter if they remained just friends or saw each other periodically for coffee, or maybe something more... Karen would still be a part of his life. And he had to hold on to that.
“I'm trying,” he muttered quietly, hoping it would be a clear enough hint.
But Karen was once again overcome by something indescribable. She rested her chin on her hand and looked out the window at the city, at the cars passing by, at the pedestrians. Lost in thought, she was exceptionally gorgeous. All intelligence and beauty in their most vivid manifestation. Matt prayed in his mind that he would gain the sight in that very second and be able to truly enjoy it.
"You know, as complicated as I fell about all this stuff, I... I feel like you should know. NYPD is prevailing. I report on it every day, and crime rate is down. I really think Daredevil may have made the city a safer place."
I don't think Daredevil is a problem, echoed in Matt's head. But he had already stepped on the gas pedal and had no intention of stopping. Sweet Karen, if only she knew, if he had been truly honest with her, she wouldn't have said that. So Murdock smiled almost mockingly. Where had all that beautiful intelligence gone that made him kiss her forehead every time? What nonsense. Daredevil hadn't made this city a safer place. Daredevil had only fed this endless cycle of violence, cultivated it, made ordinary people admire cruelty. Daredevil was driving Matt away from her. Daredevil was definitely the problem. If it weren't for Daredevil, they would have worked things out much earlier. He wouldn't have been afraid of his scars because he wouldn't have had them. He would have go upstairs, and they would have continued to work and live together, hand in hand. The perfect night would have turned into the perfect life.
“He might have. But right now, the city is better off without him,” Matt said, waving his hand dramatically.
“Hmm,” Karen clasped her hands together. "Well, it's better off with Matt Murdock."
And he giggles. He's flattered. That's who the city is really better off with. With Matt Murdock. Karen is better off with Matt Murdock, not Daredevil. Matt can't help but be proud of what he's been through in the last six months. How he rebuilt his life. How he became a better person. How he found a way to move on and function in society again. How it all brought Karen back to him.
“Speaking of which, Mr. Murdock...” She reached into her bag for her notebook and pen. “I would like to take your statement on today's miraculous Aaron James verdict.”
“Hit me,” he joked, smiling even wider when he heard her laugh.
But as soon as they said goodbye, Matt was overcome with guilt again. No matter what he told himself, it was still a lie. He had lied to her. When he was sure he could no longer hear her heartbeat or smell her perfume, Matt headed for the church. It had only been three days since his last confession, and here he was again. His tie was choking him, his glasses were pressing on his nose. He was breathing heavily as he closed the curtain and sat down in the confessional, rubbing his face. The tie continued to squeeze his throat, and he began to loosen it as soon as he crossed himself.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” Matt muttered as he exhaled and finally straightened his posture, trying to find balance in his own thoughts. “It's been three days since my last confession,” he took a deep breath. “I lied to someone. Someone I love.”
Well, at least he could be honest about it somewhere. At least he could admit it somewhere. And that only made the situation worse. Matt recounted his morning conversation with Karen. Father Lantom, God bless him, as always gave him good food for thought, guiding the way. That awareness of lies is the sure path to truth. That mind and soul are not yet alligned. That perhaps Matt missed not Daredevil, but those who were with him in that other life he led.
Of course, it would be foolish to deny that Matt didn't miss Elektra. She didn't deserve the fate she met. And Matt blamed himself first and foremost for her death. How could he let her go even after all this time? She died sacrificing herself for him. That gesture deserves to be remembered forever. But Matt also realized that what Elektra did to him was wrong. That she awakened the darkness in him that he hated so much. She manipulated him, tested his morals, tempted him, lied to him, and disregarded him and everything he held dear. So he found it hard to believe that she would be happy knowing that he was moving on, no matter what the holy father said. Elektra wasn't the type who liked the simple guy Matt Murdock. She liked the glorious darkness that lurked within him, and she wanted to possess it. And as wrong as it was on her part, her dying act gave Elektra carte blanche to ensure that Matt would never forget it and would never be able to fully recover.
“Purgatory is a place for the dead, not the living, Matthew,” the holy father reminded him. “There's nothing wrong with letting people go. She will find peace. And I pray that you find yours.”
Matt Murdock's peace lay in things that were diametrically opposed to what Elektra saw in him. His peace was in community, in the quiet, safe street of Hell's Kitchen, in the small, cramped law firm, in the pile of papers, in the walls of the courtroom, in the fact that all the villains were behind bars. His peace was in other people. In people who liked the simple Matt. Matt who smiled. Matt who joked. Matt who was his true self. Even if Matt himself believed that his true essence was a sad, pathetic, resentful warrior of God in a Devil's costume. That was all he desired. Not to be alone. And he couldn't torment himself with it forever. Wrong things must be rejected, and mistakes must not be repeated, no matter how much someone wanted it and loved Matt for it. He had to be above that. And he had already come so far on the road to healing that he wasn't going to let a momentary lapse undo all his efforts.
When he left the church, he didn't head home as he would have on any other day. Instead, he walked out onto Tenth Avenue and headed straight south, with a very clear desire to change the course of his destiny and steer it in the right direction. There were fewer cars now, the crowds were thinning, people were retreating to shops preparing to close, to their apartments, pubs, and clubs. New York was slowly being covered by the heavy, thin blanket of night, when the wind from the river was particularly strong and the quiet rustling of rodents scurrying through the trash could be heard even without super hearing. Matt stopped at a tall building, right at the entrance, hesitating, clutching his cane, but waiting obediently, like a faithful dog waiting for its master. He didn't know exactly how long he would have to wait, but soon enough he heard the click-clack of heels inside the building, which he had been longing to hear.
Of course, Karen was very surprised to see Matt standing in front of the entrance to the New York Bulletin office. She wrapped herself in her black coat and smiled awkwardly. Her pulse quickened and her eyes fluttered. Matt smiled gently, trying to make the surprise friendlier than it seemed.
“Matt?” she laughed. “What... What are you doing here?”
“I just... I just thought we had a nice chat this morning,” well, at least something he said wasn't a lie. “And I'd like to give you company on your way home, just like you gave me company today.”
There was nothing romantic about it. Everything inside Matt was bubbling with horror, and even the fact that Karen seemed to be enjoying their little walk did not calm him down. She didn't just like it, she could barely contain her excitement, and her hand kept reaching out to him, only to pull back immediately for fear of ruining the moment. They were silent almost the entire way. They had had enough conversation for one morning. Before and after the short interview, they had managed to discuss everything that had happened recently and were surprised to discover how much they knew about each other's achievements. And Matt was about to ruin it all. More precisely, he had already ruined it all, but now he was letting her know about it. Whatever made Karen's heart pound so loud, whatever took her breath away, whatever sent shivers down her spine, it was all destined to turn into disappointment very quickly. Perhaps even more painful than before. Because it would mean that Matt was unstable. That he wasn't doing well. That it was still too early, or maybe even too late, to change.
Karen now lived on a different street in a different apartment, so the trip didn't remind Matt of the good old days. Everything was completely new. Completely different emotions, completely different plans. He no longer had any illusions, or at least he diligently prevented himself from having them. He was a hypocrite, a runer, and a hider. No, that was who he was in the past. Now everything had to be different. He had changed. He tried to change, tried to figure himself out. And he had put it off until the last moment, but it was time to face his demons. Something that once took the form of Daredevil, but in reality had haunted him since the moment he was born. Matt wasn't sure when he realized he didn't want to take another step without Karen. Perhaps it was the moment she embraced him and whispered in his ear that he was never alone. She told him something he needed to hear. And that's when Matt realized that this was the person he wanted to be with until the end. And if he couldn't be what she deserved, then he himself didn't deserve to have her in his life.
Matt didn't want to be alone. Because what he was about to do, what he was about to say, felt like a decisive moment. It was all or nothing. And after that moment, his life would be predetermined.
They stopped at the entrance. Karen swayed uncertainly from side to side, biting her lip, seemingly lost in thought. She smiled. Matt didn't want to upset her, but it would be better for everyone. He wouldn't keep her in the dark, not now. He promised to be honest with her, and he kept his promise, no matter how painful it seemed.
“Well,” Karen whispered dreamily, glancing at the front door. “This is me...”
“Karen, I have to tell you something,” Matt blurted out and took a step back from her, taking off his glasses and revealing his sad eyes.
She's still enthusiastic. She still doesn't know and doesn't notice anything suspicious in his pupils. The approaching storm. How quickly will this spark of hope he felt in her fade away?
“I lied to you,” Matt croaked grimly. “I miss it. The suit and the mask. I'm sorry.”
The spark of hope faded slowly. Her smile slipped away, her gaze darted to the sidewalk, her hands crossed. Her heartbeat was uneven, but now it was not from excitement or anticipation. It was from doubt. Matt stood motionless, preparing for any outcome. But something told him that if she just turned away and left, he would crumble into tiny pieces right there. So he desperately needed some kind of reaction. Even if it was anger and resentment. But instead, Karen swayed again to the rhythm of the cool breeze and raised her eyebrows.
“Is that all?” she whispered. “Is that all you walked me home for?”
“I don't know, I feel like I need to talk to you about this,” Matt managed to say. “Not to justify myself, but to explain. I want you to know what's really going on in my head. And I know you don't have to...”
“No, no,” Karen interrupted. “I... I promised I'd be there when you were ready to tell me what was going on,” she reminded him of their little agreement, even before he confessed to her. “That hasn't changed.”
Matt thought that this was undeniable proof that angels exist. Lately, it seemed that God had been unkind to him, but now Matt realized that he had been truly blind all along, since he hadn't noticed this before. The story seemed as if he had entered her life uninvited, introducing himself as a lawyer looking for his first client. The reality now seemed to be that Karen had been sent to him by heaven so that he could finally open his eyes and find the right path. She was his salvation, his guiding star, and his reward for all the misfortunes he had endured. An angel in the guise of an intelligent, touching, strong woman who was willing to put her own doubts and fears aside to try to understand. To try to listen. She did this with everyone, even the big and scary Punisher, something Matt was so afraid to turn into. She tried to understand the reasons, to find explanations for everything she could. There was no reason to doubt that she would try to do the same with Matt. She tried to understand him all the time. For a long time, Matt was the only mystery she couldn't solve.
“I guess we should do this in a more private setting than in the middle of the street,” she sighed.
“Karen, you don't have to do this if you don't want to,” Matt reflexively continued to push away his own desires.
“That's the thing, Matt,” she whispered, clenching her teeth. “I want to. I want to get to know you.”
And she reached out her hand to him. Matt didn't believe it at first.
He tilted his head to one side, focusing all his senses on her palm. But without direct skin-to-skin contact, he could hardly determine the delicacy of her hand, all its lines, curves, moles, wrinkles, and small patterns on her fingertips. He didn't deserve it. But if there was one thing he believed in, it was that sins must be atoned for. And if Karen was an angel, he wouldn't turn down this opportunity. He would let God into his heart, and with that, he would let in something greater than himself. So he gently took her hand, cautiously, as if he might stain it with blood or squeeze it so hard that it would crack like porcelain. But Karen was strong. And her hands were strong. Surprisingly strong. There was some indescribable heaviness in them, something horribly familiar to Matt, something understandable. And only when he touched and squeezed her palm in his did he realize that he could truly trust her.
“Let's go upstairs,” she nodded, and the corners of her mouth lifted again just a little.