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I watch as she pours a cup of coffee for herself into the pure white cup. She doesn’t add any sugar or cream to it. She just sits and her gaze falls upon the rising steam that spirals and disappears into thin air.
She sighs contentedly and picks up the book that’s sitting near the edge of the table. She flips through a couple of pages and finally lands on a specific page.
As she reads she reaches for the cup absentmindedly and swirls its dark contents. She inhales the deep scent of the black coffee and then takes a small sip before putting it down and returning to her book.
Suddenly she looks straight at me and closes the book that’s in her hands. “Hey Asami.” She gives me that lopsided grin. I feel something tug at my heart.
“Hey.”
She lets out a long sigh and furrows her brow. “You know it’s funny, life that is.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’re told to live our lives to the fullest, but life’s unpredictable. We find things that we’re passionate about, what we love to do. But then we’re thrown a curveball. Suddenly the things we love most are taken away without warning.”
“That’s true. I understand that it’s hard for you now, but you can get through this.”
She smiles at me again. “It’s tough. Life’s tough Asami.”
She runs a hand over the cover of the book and then fiddles with a petal of one of the wilted flowers. The flowers are dull in color and sit in a clear vase with barely any water in it.
There’s a plate of her untouched breakfast next to it. The eggs and toast have grown cold by now, but she doesn’t care. I want to tell her to eat, that it’s important.
Her eyes fall and she looks blankly at a little vial of clear liquid sitting next to her book. “I want to thank you, Asami. For everything that you’ve done for me.” She looks up at me and smiles warmly. “I want you to know that I love you and always will.”
I watch as she reaches for the vial and pops the little top off of it. The liquid falls slowly into her coffee. She sets down the empty vial and swirls the liquid in her cup.
“I love you too. But why are you doing this?”
She smirks, but doesn’t look up. She just stares at the coffee and lifts it closer to her lips. “It’s not worth it anymore, Asami. I’m not me. This all makes me wonder what the purpose of living like this is.”
The rim of the cup finally meets her lips and she drinks every last bit.
“Really I know it’s hard right now, but it is worth living. This will pass. You don’t have to do this.”
She places the cup down and shakes her head. My hands are shaking. I watch her eyes droop lazily. She runs a hand through her messy hair and her brow furrows.
“I thought things would get better, but I can’t do this Asami. I can’t keep living like this.”
Her eyes close slowly and her head bobs up and down. She takes in a deep breath and exhales loudly. She then lifts her head without warning and gingerly smiles at me. She blinks her eyes slowly and shakes her head slightly.
“I’m sorry. This is all that I can say.”
Her usually vibrant eyes become clouded and unfocused. They try to look up at me, but fail as her lids close. Her head lolls backward and her hand falls limp on the table. A small trinket of a white dog clacks against the table. The trinket that I had given to her.
My breath hitches and the tears that had been building up finally burn a trail down my cheeks. My heart aches and I want to reach out to her. To tell her not to do this. But it’s too late.
I let out a sigh and try to wipe away the tears with the back of my hand, but they keep coming. My other hand is shaking. In it is a camera. I stare at the image on the screen and my heart feels as if it’s been ripped from my chest. The woman I loved. The woman I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, was there. She was just sitting there with her head lolled back. Her last moments caught on camera, just for me.
My body shudders as I turn off the camera and place it down onto the table. I stroke Naga’s head, trying to find some sort of comfort.
It’s been five years since you left me. But I’ve finally come to understand and accept your choice, even if it broke my heart. I understand now that your heart was hurting just as much as your body.
At first I hated this and even you for a time. I thought you made the wrong decision. And I cried, Korra. I cried so much for so long. My heart ached for you.
But I loved you and still do. And because of this I understand. At first I thought it was selfish of you, to take the ‘easier’ way out. But it's not 'easier.' You were suffering. You hid the pain when I was around you, but now I know. I know that every single day you were in so much pain that any normal person would have been screaming and pleading for it all to end. They wouldn’t have been able to wake up every single day and put on a smile like you did. They wouldn’t have loved me as much as you did.
I'm sorry that I didn't realize all of this until now. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there with you for your final moments. That’s the only thing I regret.